Perfectly Imperfect by Rebekah Hay (rdhay) - Short, Drama - A woman stricken with OCD battles with her condition only to find relief in someone else. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Rebekah, as promised, I gave this a look...ahead of all the other just posted shorts, as I see you've been reading and commenting...and that's exactly how it's supposed to work.

Well...not sure what to say here. actually, as I am pretty much clueless as to what's going on here, why, and why it would make an entertaining, visual short film.

Couple things first...

Your Slugs are very problematic.  You don't want to use a period in them...dashes only.  Also, if you're using "CONTINUOUS" as your time, that's all you need and you don't want to use parenthesis.

You've basically got a 4 page script here, but in reality, I bet there's not more than 2 minutes of actual script, as you're WAY over writing, in terms of detail, completely unimportant lines, and "assumed" actions that don't need to be written.

But, for me, the biggest issue is the story and plot.  I don't see any...at all.  And I'm left completely baffled actually, as to what you're after here.

You've got some cumbersome, awkwardly written passages, which don't help, but it's the amount of detailed nonsense that has me scratching my balding head.

On Page 4, you have Will's first line of dialogue as "MAN", which makes no sense.

I'm very interested to see what others have to say, then what your thoughts are.

I don't mean to be harsh.  I'm honest every time and I mean to help.  Hope this all makes sense.

Take care.

Rebekah,

I will agree with Jeff on the slugs. Dashes versus periods look more professional to me.

Also, the plot left me dumbfounded. Was she a lawyer? Was she seeking a divorce? I don't think you gave us enough to make it intriguing. You seem to have good insight on someone with OCD, but that's not enough to carry your story. If there's something I completely missed, I'd love to hear about it. At the sam time, most writers on these boards are pretty sharp, if we missed it, you may have not given us enough...

James

Hi guys:)

Thanks heaps for the reads. This was my first attempt at a short and, as I figured, I clearly bombed at getting the story across as I saw it;)

I actually realised after submitting that there were some formatting things that I forgot to fix, so my apologies. And thanks for the catch on the periods in the slugs - I've been doing it that way this whole time and never realised I was doing it wrong. Easy fix though.

The explanation that I'm sorry I have to give:

Holly and Will are both lawyers. Their boss called them in to the office on the weekend to work. Normally she'd be able to control her OCD, but she's been caught off guard and is really struggling with it. The conclusion comes when Will is able to get her mind off of her compulsions by throwing them for a loop. I was aiming for a nice subtext in the final dialogue exchange - I thought it worked well but I guess not.

Anyway, thanks for that guys - back to work I go:)

Hey rdhay,

Scripts that deal with OCD always tend to overly describe things, which make it seem longer because the writer will write every little detail that they want to reader to see. Makes it seem like the writer is OCD as well.

As far as story is concerned, as it was mentioned earlier, there is very little. A friend of mine wrote a script about a woman writing a 'good-bye' letter to her boyfriend because he was more obsessed with making things 'right' then wanting to be with her. His OCD led her to leave him. You have conflict, characters and a story with that. Make me want to know this person, OCD people always come off as 'weird' to people, make her more human than a character to write for.

Quoted from TheUsualSuspect Makes it seem like the writer is OCD as well.

Well I got that right then:p

Anyway, I'm realising pretty quickly that this was probably not the best idea to start off my venture into shorts, and I see why. Everyone's comments are spot on and I really appreciate the help.

I think I'll leave this one for now and wait for the next OWC to try again.

Ta, guys!
Rebekah

OWC are few and far between. Get a good story, write it down, as much as possible, then begin to cut some things out that aren't needed.

I try to write something every week. These forums are here to get us writing and feedback on our style/stories.

I say write something next week and get it posted. I'd love to read more.

Rdhay...

The idea was fine.  Nothing wrong with it.  You've laid good groundwork here.  If you ever go back and re-write this... you can get to where you want to go with this.  I thought you did a nice job of showing Holly's OCD.  I didn't have a problem with the detail.  Nothing slowed the read for me.  

Everyone has their own style of writing.  Don't strip yours all the way down to where you loose your voice as a writer.

Page#4, "Man" character cue, I'd just throw "Will," in there instead.

It's late... forgive my errors.

Good Luck,

Ghostie

Rebekah,

Good on you for posting a short.
Most folks testing the waters in writing shorts tend to focus too much on the plot.
Here, you've given us an exclusive glimpse at Holly with virtually nil plot.

I see you channeling your inner Melvin Udall here. ;D
I would've liked less object interaction and more character stuff.
You detail well pretty quickly how Holly interacts with her environment.
By page three, I wanted to know more about how she is with people.

Must be a heck of a lawyer with all her quirks.
I wanted to know what is it about her condition that makes her good at her job.
Melvin Udall uses his compulsions and turns them into successful prose.

Despite the wonky slugs, this is a pretty decent effort.
I'd like to see where you take this and how you expand on the narrative.

I say stick with it, the most important part of writing is rewriting.
That's why "they" tell you only write what you love.
Because you've gotta live with it for a  long time to keep refining it.

Don't wait for the OWC, you got some feedback, now use it, when you're ready.
Read some scripts by contributing members here, steep yourself in the craft.
And then come out swinging. Best of luck!

Regards,
E.D.

Thanks guys! I really do want this one to work because it is fairly personal. But I can also see how I need to be careful to balance everything out better. I'm actually wondering now if I should expand this into a longer piece, maybe even through the hearing, to show more of how the OCD affects her work, relationships, etc. as you guys mentioned.

I will rewrite and resubmit, but not right away. I'd like to let it and your feedback simmer for a bit, and I've gotta get my war feature finished by the end of August (I'm only half-way through...).

Thanks heaps, guys. You are all brilliant!!
R