My Inferno by Christopher West (thesecond) - Short, Drama - Love gained, love lost. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Christopher, welcome to SS.  I've seen that you've been reading and providing some feedback lately, so I thought I'd check out your script.

I'll try not to be too harsh, but there are alot of issues here and it's not even 2 full pages.

IMO, there are 3 things you need to get right in writing a script (now, obviously, there are a Hell of alot more than just 3 things, but the vast majority all fall into these 3 categories).

1)  You've go to get the technical stuff down pat.  This means no simple mistakes.  It means writing proper Slugs, properly introing characters, not including unfilmables, etc.

2)  You've got to write in a way that's interesting, engaging, and and easy to follow.  This means finding your own voice, but also writing in a way that includes proper grammar, sentence structure, not writing awkward lines, clear passages, etc.

3)  You've got to make your writing (and actual content) visual...but you have to watch the level of detail you use, and write in a Spec script style, as opposed to short story prose or even poetry.

IMO, you've missed on all accounts here, but it's obvious to me you are a good writer, most likely with experience in story writing and poetry.  That's how this comes across to me.  It's going to read much better than it's going to look in a filmed version.  It just won't transfer to film well, IMO, and it's full of little mistakes here and there.

2 things really threw this out of whack for me, right out of the gate.  You open with a dream sequence and it continues for about 90% of the entire script.  It's also less than 2 full pages, so it's going to be almost impossible to get this across in a filmed version.

Your opening passage is absolutely God awful and just killed things immediately for me.  You've written a 4 line, single sentence passage, that's actually a multi-run-on sentence, that's worded very awkwardly, contains all sorts of different subjects and descriptions, and even contains one of the worst intro's I've ever seen.  Just doesn't work at all, and comes off like you're trying way too hard to write in a bizarre, poetic, novelistic way.

You intro this character as "HIM", and even use this in dialogue boxes, but in your following passage, you use the name "Cal" out of nowhere.  Just odd and doesn't work like that.

So, from there, things continue kind of like I'd expect, based on the way you're writing this.  There are missing comas in places that really make a difference in the read, based on your long, complex sentence structure.  More run-on sentences.  Lots of hard to read, awkward lines, and incorrectly used "beat" in the overly dramatic (V.O.) dialogue.  Some use of "we" and "our", slow motion direction, a missing apostrophe, passive verbiage, "CONTINUED" at the top and bottom of the page, an unnecessary transition, more weirdly labeled Slugs that make it hard to picture exactly where we are or what's even going on, and then we finally end the dream sequence and hit reality, with a heavy does of ambiguity, and IMO, a very anti climatic finale.

For me, it's just trying too hard to be too much. It's trying to be too cool, too out there.

Some may really like it...we'll have to wait and see.  For me, though, it needs alot of work.  If you're really going to be able to pull something off like this, it needs to be rock solid and this is far from rock solid.

I apologize for the harsh tone, but for some reason, this kind of thing hits a nerve with me.  Hopefully, what I brought up makes sense and helps as you go forward.

Take care.

Harsh tones are accepted in this camp sir.  I wrote this in about 10 minutes after I heard a song by a singer whom I'd never heard of.  It was rather moving to say the least.

I believe you've nailed it in saying, "...too hard to be too much."  I agree with that completely.  

My writing seems to be having a difficult time crossing into screenplay land, but the continued beatings from veterans like yourself and some others will get me in shape.  

I originally had the character's name as Cal, but decided to forgo names, as that really didn't matter.  Incredibly poor proof reading on my part led to the mistakes so far as his name still being in the script.  

I was truly going for a love at first sight, followed by the price we pay for such foolery.  I don't think one needs 10 pages to pull that off, so I kept is short and sweet.

Thank you for the review and comments, it helps me tremendously.  

hey Chris,

a lot of what Dreamscale said is spot on. he's helped me a lot in my own scripts (god knows i've needed it) so heed his advice. its incredibly useful and applicable.

i think all of this needs to be scaled down, especially the descriptors. theyre way too long and needlessly complicated. they even seem exaggerated at times. because of this, i found the script to be somewhat hokey because it was too over the top. i would recommend reading some professional screenplays. you'll soon find that they often dont go into deep detail when describing a scene. they describe what is needed and let the reader picture the rest.

as for the story? its simply sub par. not really that engaging because it's really not that unique. BUT it was a good exercise. start writing something else and just scale back. let me know when you post your next script because i'll happily read it.

Right on...so your experience in writing is pretty much what I thought?

If so, it can be a tough transition at first, but you'll quickly get it down and nail it, once you start to "see" that a script needs to lay out the groundwork for a filmed version.  And although the writing needs to impress for sure, it also needs to be reigned in, as this isn't a literary work that people will read again and again because they love the prose.

There is a dreamy quality to this work for sure, and as I said, I bet ya some will love it for that.

Sounds like you've got a good attitude, Chris and I look forward to your work.  My advice would be to write a very simple story, 10-15 pages, and just concentrate on the basics, as well as writing in a way that is easy to read, follow, and visualize.

Take care.

I'd love to see an Albino Penguin...  

Thank you for the feedback as well, I appreciate it.  I've posted 4 scripts here, Vindicate, The Verdict, Balance, and this one.  Feel free to read away!  

haha thats the whole point- he'd be entirely white! haha sweet. ill make sure to check em out. thanks for sharing!

Hey Chris.

Technical issues aside, I was excited by the premise of this script. I liked title and Dante's inferno themes, and felt the script might go somewhere into a dark and dangerous love plot. But it certainly didn't pan out that way. You definitely have potential here to create an interesting story with what you have though!

Hi Loulou, thank you for the read and the comments.  I do have a complete story behind this one, and this was the first thing that came out when I thought about it.  Dark and dangerous is an understatement for where I want this to go, so stay tuned!

I've always enjoyed the thought of Dante's Inferno and the backstory being retold in today's climate...

Your feel for writing is good - you can obviously write, it's just a case of applying that to scripts.

This work really didn't make sense. You name Cal early on, but I was kind of assuming that was a mistake.

What you missed: Why was the guy in jail? - it appeared that he had 'made it with this girl' and someone crashed into him, and then he was in jail for it???

This lacks the comprehensible and simple story structure - beginning, middle, end (act 1, 2, 3).

You've had a great idea, and your descriptions are beautifully rich, but your premise fails.

If think it would help if you outlined your idea in the simplest terms possible - this gives you the story structure (provided you give it the 1,2,3).

You then add your descriptions around this structure, to give your story some life.

The only other advice I would give you is to decide if this is a spec script or something you would like to produce/direct yourself - there's a big difference - this came over as something that you'd have to do yourself - a spec script has to be 'aware' that somebody else is going to direct it, and has therefore to lend itself to someone else's interpretation.

Hope this helps.