The Brink of Love by Frank Liu (scriptwriteralpha) - Horror - When Tom goes on a road trip to meet Alice's family, things get out of hand and she gets kidnapped by a psychopath.  Now Tom must journey into the unknown to rescue the love of his life.  82 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for posting my script!

Well.  I read the first few pages, but have already found what I think is an illogical plot point.  This is not intended as a trashing, Alpha -- just being honest, one aspiring screenwriter to another, and hoping it will help.  That said, I won't address any format errors because even at this early point in the script, I think it's much more important for you to improve character and plot.

The set up is clumsy, chock full or questionable character motivation, and is ludicrous.  To wit:

Tom has a nightmare about Alice walking in on him making the beast with two backs with his his secretary.

Then he wakes up in bed, looks at the engagement ring in his hand, and comments to Alice, asleep beside him, "Thanks for taking me back."

It's this second scene -- the one when Tom wakes up in bed -- which raises questions about the first scene, the dream sequence.  Why would Tom be having that nightmare?  The fact that he quips "thanks for taking me back" tells the reader Alice knows he cheated, and forgave him for it.  Which means Tom got to have sex with someone else and get away with it.  Why would he be haunted?  If anyone should be having a nightmare about Alice walking in on Tom banging his secretary, it's Alice.

I think you're blowing a prime opportunity for some conflict, drama, set-up and pay-off with that second scene, and maybe even for a little character motivation.  Instead of being ludicrous and have him waking up to tell the sleeping Alice thanks for forgiving him, have him instead wake up to find Alice watching him, concerned.  She asks him what his nightmare about.  He tells her, "Nothing."  To which she replies, "Why won't you ever tell me?"  With that opening scene, and then that brief exchange, you've set up a story about a man who has cheated on his woman, has never told her about it, and is having guilt-driven nightmares about it.  Later on, you pay-off that set-up by having her find out (he tells her, or she finds out on her own, either way).  Then, when she's abducted, his struggle to rescue her actually becomes his struggle to earn her forgiveness.

But that's just off the top of my head.  Anyway, back to your script...

The very next scene, he apologizes for having cheated on her, and she reminds him how it made her feel.

Now, anyone who has ever had an unfaithful spouse/lover/significant other knows that if the act is forgiven and the person is taken back, the dalliance is NEVER brought up again.  Ever.  Period.  It'd be like rubbing it in the other person's face that you got to get some on the sly and, thanks to them, you didn't have to pay the consequences.  Worse still, what kind of idiot does Tom have to be to bring it up mere moments before planning to propose?

At any rate, these things alone were enough to distract me from reading further.  These glaring questions took me right out of the story, even after only a few pages.  

Horror works best when the writer gives us characters we care about and don't want to see die, and then throws them into a situation which might kill them.  They don't have to be immediately likable, but we have to be invested in them in some way, or we just won't give a crap once they're put in danger.  This is especially true if we're asking questions about their relationship only three minutes in.  It's a distraction, and in a screenplay, anything which distracts from the story is unwelcome.

My two cents.  Good luck.  Keep writing. :)

- Lon  

Thanks for the feedback.  I wrote the beginning scene after writing the majority of the script or after I found out how it should end because I thought it was needed to explain or forewarn the reveal at the end.  Basically I felt the beginning was needed because the script is about what someone would go through for love.

The story is about Alice is testing Tom to see if she can trust him, and thus she sets up the kidnapping and everything as a test to see what extremes Tom will do for her love.  In the end, Alice is the antagonist, Tom is the protagonist who ultimately pays the price for his mistakes, and the sole survivor is someone who was introduced as a side character perhaps even more unlikable than Tom.

The beginning was just a teaser that was thrown in, and I didn't spend a whole lot of time on it as it was just used to tie up loose ends with the story.  I do understand your concern as I suppose it may not make total sense until the end.  I suppose Tom and Alice has not really put the cheating to bed.  That is what drives the story forward because all is not well with the couple, and that is why Alice felt that she needed to test Tom in the first place.

Thanks again for the feedback, Lon.

Hey Frank, I started reading this soon after it was posted and stopped pretty quickly as well, but didn't want to start the thread off negatively...so bit my tongue.

I agree with Lon's comments, and have a few to add that were even more cringe inducing for me, personally.

I'm also going to refrain from any technical aspects of the writing.

On Page 2, you write, "Tom takes a few moments to catch his breath. Then he takes
an engagement ring out of his pocket, and fiddles with it in his hand." - So, you're saying, Tom's wearing some kind of shorts or pants in bed, and has an engagement ring in his pocket, while he sleeps?  That's pretty uncomfortable and downright foolish, isn't it?

The thing that made me close the script was the dialogue between Tom and Alice.  It's really bad and cringe worthy, IMO.  These 2 are having a special moment together at breakfast, and Tom is proposing.  Look how many times each one uses the others name.  I think it's 3 for Tom and twice for Alice in 2 1/2 pages.  People don't talk like that, especially when they're a couple.

Also, look at the details of the conversation...just goofy and unrealistic.  And then, after all that, they just up and leave on a trip, which is again, just poor plotting and story telling.

I'm sorry, but I hope it does help.  Take care.

Thanks for bringing those points up.  Yeah, I agree it would be weird if he kept an engagement ring with him while sleeping.  Good point.  And about the dialogue, I guess I kind of rushed the script and much of the dialogue may seem kind of weird or comical.  Thanks for the feedback.