Bitter Sweet by Christopher West (thesecond) - Short, Comedy - An unexpected visit just might save the day for Clyde and Mary. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

hey Chris,

nice writing style here. the narrative flowed nicely and i never lost track of where i was. i could picture the setting vividly. not too many descriptors, but not too few either. just the right amount IMHO. i only found a few spelling/grammar errors here and there but no biggee.

the story was okay for me unfortunately. i like where you went with it and i liked what happened, but i didnt think it was poignant enough. furthermore i think you should outline the couple's let down more vividly. the president should appear as though they were bailing them from their debt and then disappoint them at the end. i realize this is what you were going for, but i would make your message a bit bolder. for example, after the cameras stop rolling, maybe the president could make a sly remark to clyde. perhaps he could even snicker a bit at clyde's hopes. he could say, "what do i look like to you, oprah?" or something along those lines.

furthermore, never once does clyde express his view of the president. he just lost his job. im sure he'd have something to say or want to interject sometime during the presentation.

overall i just think this one needed more depth. take your idea and run with it a bit further.

Thanks a lot, I appreciate it.  I was just reading some news when this popped in my head.  I wrote it out in about 20 minutes with no real aim.  Obviously!  hahaha...  I appreciate the read though.  

Hello Chris,

Been seeing you around the boards lately.
Good to see new reviewers, thought I'd give this a look see.

This reads pretty well, you have a decent grasp of format.
Though I noticed a few times your descriptors were a bit repetitive.
If "BATHROOM" is in your slug, you don't tell us it's a bathroom in your description, etc.

You could use a lot less dialogue in your set up.
Let some effective images tell us that your protags are victims of a forced move.
It could generate more sympathy for your characters too.

The not so surprise guest, was OK.
It didn't really go anywhere, was a bit surreal at times.

In the end, this feels like a pretty good skit more than a story.
I'd be interested to see you take a stab at a full on story arc.

Look forward to seeing you around the boards more.
Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

This made me smile! I do agree with Brett that it's a bit like a skit, but so what? Why can't a short be a skit? If this is your first posted work here, glad to have you on board, looking forward to more.

I hope you have changed the name of the writer to protect the innocent, namely, you. Poking fun at a left wing icon will ruin any chance at a career in Hollywood. Make fun of a liberal and they won't even hire you to work on their car.

Nice start to your SimplyScripts career though, congrats, will watch for more.

I like your style of writing... very simplistic. You leave a lot open for the reader to imagine the scene for themselves. I also like the dialogue between martha and clyde at the very beginning. Its very real and not over written (If that makes sense).

Although I think a bit more emotion from the characters wont hurt... Who is the emotional one out of martha and clyde? Who is the strong minded one who keeps everything together?.... or are they both balanced emotionally?...

Wasnt so sure where you was going towards the end but i enjoyed it... It was a pretty abrupt ending. But I assume this isnt finished yet?

Any who, a great read...

:)
  

Hey All, I appreciate everyone taking a read, and I sincerely appreciate the feedback - especially the good stuff!

I saw a picture of the President swimming in the gulf of Mexico after - or during - the gulf oil disaster last year and that got me thinking, what does swimming have to do with the largest ecological disaster in history??  So I tried to think of a way to tell that same, ridiculous story in a different context.  

Clyde and Mary are your average Americans, meaning they've lost most of what they've worked for their whole life, and are introduced dealing with the hardest thing they've ever dealt with, losing their home.  The media ignores them, but the POTUS shows up to put his spin on it.  Just because you lost your house doesn't mean you can't bake a cake - Marie Antoinette anyone?  

Which is basically my way of saying, even though you think to the contrary, the President could really care less about you, or your problems, which is why the ending is so abrupt.  

He just drops the props and walks out...  tastes like shit.  

As I go:

Page 1:  This dialogue is redundant for me.  What are the main ideas here?

- They're finally here (at something)
- They're not alone
- They married fifteen years ago
- It's all gone

Many of these ideas are repeated or unnecessarily expanded upon.  You've got seven pages here -- each line and each word should serve.  There's no way "fifteen years" needs to be repeated four times, or "a blink" twice.  

Page 2:  "Everything is out..."  Bit of show then tell here.  Can cut the first line.  We see the empty bathroom, we've seen the (presumably) empty bedroom, then she mentions marking boxes...we know exactly what's going on.

Page 5:  I'd make up a fake president, personally.  Silly for all kinds of reasons to use the real one.

Thoughts:

Yes, it's funny.  Here's my main suggestion.  I think it's all I've got.  This is a skit, not a short film, as was noted above.  The difference is this: a skit is relevant to a particular people at a particular time (Americans in 2011), while a short film has a theme that applies to most or all people, past and present.

So, in my opinion, what needs to happen is two things.  

1.  Identify what this story has to say about all leadership, or about all democracies, or about all families, or whatever.

2.  Use that to shape this script into something that is at least mildly allegorical.  This could be as little as having a fake president (and ideally a fake/unidentified country to go with him/her), or as significant as, I dunno, setting it on a farm with a bunch of animals.  Some kind of...animal...farm.  Ha!

Otherwise this script will never be anything more than a mild chuckle.  The power of story is in metaphor.

...in my opinion!

Thanks for the enjoyable read.  

Chris,

Good to see something from you. I've noticed you've been reading alot.

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

CLYDE
Mary, what time do we have to leave
today? - I always think you should describe a scene under a new slug before dialogue. Was Clyde sitting? Lying in bed? I didn't even though Mary was not in the room at first. I just think it reads cleaner. I like a visual first when you put characters into a new scene.

I think you should cap the PRESIDENT when you intro him and use that for his dialogue heading. What is The POTUS?

Who's the Martha the prez refers to? I assume a member of the press. I would either intro her first in action or leave her name out. I had to go back and see if I missed her. You want your script to flow. readers don't want to have to go back and re-read things.

Overall, i quite liked this. I enjoyed the cookyness of the Prez and the face that even after all his talk, he walks out without even helping them-- which was what i was expecting. Good stuff. Keep at it.

EDIT: Just looked up POTUS - I'm not very sharp sometimes. That one flew right over..

James

I was a PSP Marine - Presidential Support Platoon - and the we used POTUS, meaning President of the United States.  I guess this isn't common knowledge!  haha.

Thanks for the read James, I appreciate it, and I understand what you mean with the descriptors prior to new scene dialogue.  That would obviously help a director!  

This felt like a skit on Saturday Night Live.  I mean that in a good way.  

The description of the living room read kind of awkwardly.

I like the reference to Marie Antoinette

Overall I think it has potential for a pretty funny skit.  The world needs more skits.

This had some funny moments, and its based on a good idea: an average American couple suddenly(and incredibly) visiited by the President.

It's only six pages, but I think the beginning could be trimmed if, instead of Clyde seeing the circus out on the front yard, there's simply a knock at the front door and the Secret Service rushes in to secure the place.  Maybe Clyde and Mary think they're from the bank to repossess the house.  Then suddenly Potus strolls in.

On page 4, I really don't think the secret service would smash in the door.

I would have liked it if Clyde challenged the President on something, like why he hasn't been able to find a job in the last eight months.  Have this average dude confront Potus in front of a national audience and really put the screws to him.  And then make him eat a piece of that sh1tcake.

But this was a funny premise.

Ryan

Quoted from TheSecond Thanks a lot, I appreciate it.  I was just reading some news when this popped in my head.  I wrote it out in about 20 minutes with no real aim.  Obviously!  hahaha...  I appreciate the read though.

This is pointless. I could tell it was pointless when I read it and you have demonstrated that it was pointless with what you have said.

I like what Heretic has said because she has thought things through in more depth than you have.

This is an exercise in formatting, but it's clear that you are more than adequate in the formatting process, so you are just taking the easy way through.

True script-writing combines the formatting and the story-telling aspects, and you really haven't bothered with the story-telling aspect (as is evidenced with your comments).

Once a child learns how to walk, it's better that the child walks somewhere. So with your next script - go somewhere with it. Preferably somewhere that challenges you and makes you think. Leaving out the thinking bit of this whole thing is going to get you no-where.

If you believe its pointless then I would challenge your intellect.  It takes more than the average mind to understand what is happening here, and more over what is at stake with ol' Mr. POTUS.  

We need a 'challenge' kind of thing of here where screenwriters can go head to head and let the board judge the better writer.  I would put up my new shoes against 007 here...  

Quoted from TheSecond If you believe its pointless then I would challenge your intellect.  It takes more than the average mind to understand what is happening here, and more over what is at stake with ol' Mr. POTUS.   We need a 'challenge' kind of thing of here where screenwriters can go head to head and let the board judge the better writer.  I would put up my new shoes against 007 here...

Well if the two of you are up to it, here's the thread for the showdown.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-collaborate/m-1297739594/

Time for some new blood in that challenge, anyway.

Send a pm to Mike Cornetto if you're interested http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?v-memberpanel/a-view/u-mcornetto/

I'm in...

Quoted from TheSecond If you believe its pointless then I would challenge your intellect.  It takes more than the average mind to understand what is happening here, and more over what is at stake with ol' Mr. POTUS.   We need a 'challenge' kind of thing of here where screenwriters can go head to head and let the board judge the better writer.  I would put up my new shoes against 007 here...

Mmm... I think this is called wasting my time.

Point me to a script that you have written, and that you believe to be good.

Wasting time was brought to new heights with a little diddy called, 'Them Cuts.'  

Needless to say I was a touch unnerved by your comment, although we're each entitled to our opinion, but I then went on to read a marvelous piece about a crime boss with Down Syndrome - a true miracle in concept, absolutely superb writing I might add.    

If you should be so inclined, I suggest a screenwriting showdown, perhaps there we can see who truly is times biggest waster.