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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Secrets and Dirty Little Lies
Posted by: Don, July 26th, 2011, 5:48pm
Secrets and Dirty Little Lies (was What's On The Inside)  by Cindy L. Keller - Short - A woman spends her last day with her online love interest to reveal her secret to him.     7 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: leitskev, July 26th, 2011, 6:04pm; Reply: 1
Nice take on the original incident in real life. So much for internet dating!
Posted by: Lyston L, July 27th, 2011, 8:06am; Reply: 2
Hey Cindy

This is rather different lol at first i wasn't so sure how this short story would end but it was definitely a shocker! Quite a quirky piece!

Nice :)  
Posted by: Electric Dreamer, July 27th, 2011, 9:31am; Reply: 3
Hey Cindy,

Great to see new material from one of our veterans here.
I'm not familiar with the story this is based on.
I like the punchline and how it changes the meaning of Clarence's words on the show.
However, him being a soft spoken type kinda gave it all away for me.
He came off as some Gacy type from the get go to me.

Had Clarence been a little more charming and romantic, the reveal should be better.
Then he;s prepared a "special" dinner for her and BLAM-O, guts galore. Yay.

Well written, crisp dialogue and evenly paced, good work.
This might resonate with me more, had I known about the facts.

Regards,
E.D.
Posted by: grademan, July 27th, 2011, 11:47am; Reply: 4
Cindy,

Internet dating never ends well in the scriptwriter’s world.

I liked this.

A few comments.

The ending was telegraphed by Clarence “It all depends on what’s inside.” Maybe if Terri Spaniel (great name) had said it?

Well mannored > well mannered

The slug INSIDE THE REFRIGERATOR seemed unnecessary. The story read the same with or without.

Terri could have had some more provocative reaction to Clarence’s mild reaction to Madelaine instead of “I suppose so.” Like “aren’t you mad at lies she told you?” as she tries to get a reaction for the ratings.

Gary
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), July 27th, 2011, 1:53pm; Reply: 5
Hey Cindy...not bad.  Not bad at all.  For what it is, I think it works.

It's pretty much all set up for what's to come at the very end, but being only 5 pages, it doesn't drag too much, cause there's not much here to allow it to drag.

Only mistake I found was your opening description of Terri, in that you didn't use a comma to offset her description.  You did it properly with Clarence's intro, so this must just have been an oversight...and an easy fix.

I guess the moral of the story is that we all have a secret.
Posted by: Grandma Bear, July 27th, 2011, 2:00pm; Reply: 6
Cindy,

I liked this one for the most part. What I mean by that is I liked the ending and I liked the rest up till then. They just don't match each other in tone. I like horror and dark stuff, you know that. I just think until the very end I really enjoyed it and it had a light tone. I had no idea what Clarence secret was going to be so good job on that. I thought though that the reveal would be something lighter in tone with the rest of the script. So in that way the ending was disappointing to me. If you could somehow just set a slightly darker tone earlier on I think that ending would work better. I was almost ready for something funny to happen so I wasn't prepared.

Good work though. :)
Posted by: CindyLKeller, July 28th, 2011, 3:13am; Reply: 7
Thank you for posting this short, Don.

Kevin,
Thanks for reading. I saw a young man get tricked like this on TV and he didn't seem to care. So it made me wonder why. Then my imagination took over.

Lyston L,
Thank you for giving this one a read. I wanted an ending that wasn't expected. Glad you liked it.

Brett,
Thank you for giving this a read. Yep. The guy I pictured in my head was like Gacy. He still creeps me out. I think that could be why I don't like clowns. I thought about dinner and guts, too, but decided to go this way with it.

Gary,
Thank you for the read. Glad you liked this. Thanks for catching the typo. Glad you liked the name, too. I wanted it to be a cheap imitation of another popular show. Good idea about Terri and her dialogue. I'll definately change it up some.

Jeff,
Thanks for giving this a read. It was just something to write until I can start digging into a new feature horror. Yep, the moral is correct.

Pia,
Thank you for giving this a read. I know exactly what you mean. I was wondering about that myself and had been brainstorming about a different ending because I wanted it to be something that wasn't expected.
I do have a different ending that I've been thinking about, but it would make this short a little longer. I tried to keep it under 5 pages for this draft to see if I could do it. I think I will go ahead and do the rewrite. I think you'll like the alternate ending I've got planned.

Thank you everyone for giving this a read. I hope it made you smile.

Cindy
Posted by: RayW, July 28th, 2011, 8:01am; Reply: 8
Pia has a perfect location to shoot the interior for CLARENCE's house.

I wonder if she opened the fridge there?
Posted by: albinopenguin, July 28th, 2011, 9:54am; Reply: 9
hey Cindy,

first and foremost, im a closeted maury fan and i'm pretty sure i've seen a similar story on his show. i honestly dont know why i enjoy watching the show, but i always seem to turn it on while im eating lunch. lunch and maury go together like pb and j.

regardless, the terri segment of the show was spot on. it flowed nicely and was reflective of a standard episode of maury/jerry. the only thing that stood out as odd was the one man who laughed by himself. i get what you're saying but it might distract a bit from the overall story.

i also enjoyed the scene where terri reflects on what she's doing. personally, id like the scene to play out where terri has a moment of guilt and then forgets about it almost instantaneously when she thinks about the money and fame. perhaps this scene should tie in with the ending a bit more closely.

which brings me to the ending. i'm 50/50 on this one. on the one hand, i like that it's so out there. it comes out of no where. but on the other hand, i feel like its disjointed from the rest of the story. i, for one, had no idea what was going to happen. and i would try to base my revisions on your audience's reactions. if everyone feels like the ending was too baffling, then i would give more hints throughout the rest of the story. i liked the line "its on the inside that counts" but i feel like even that should be a little more indicative of the ending. perhaps you could lengthen the talk show scene a bit to include more "hints" of the big reveal.

regardless, an enjoyable read for sure. and very well written.
Posted by: vancety, July 28th, 2011, 4:32pm; Reply: 10


Ricky lake introduces American Psycho in The Crying Game.
Posted by: CindyLKeller, July 29th, 2011, 2:40am; Reply: 11

Quoted from RayW
Pia has a perfect location to shoot the interior for CLARENCE's house.

I wonder if she opened the fridge there?


LMAO

I wonder...
Posted by: CindyLKeller, July 29th, 2011, 2:57am; Reply: 12
Hey Will,

Thank you for giving this one a read.
The laughing man wasn't supposed to be the only one in the audience that was laughing, just the only one going overboard with it.  :)
I'll have to make that clearer in the next draft...

and I'll elaborate on Clarence's character.  :)

I think readers who were unsure of this ending will like the new ending I have planned.


vancety,
I know of Ricky Lake and American Psycho, but haven't seen the Crying Game.
Posted by: albinopenguin, July 29th, 2011, 4:34pm; Reply: 13
great! can't wait to read the rewrite. let me know when you post it.
Posted by: James McClung, July 30th, 2011, 8:32pm; Reply: 14
Not sure what to make of this one. When I first read it, it seemed like the story had three major and perhaps unprecedented tonal shifts, which left me feeling it was severely disjointed. However over time, the shifts in the story itself seemed to make sense and you sort of did follow through with what was set up earlier on.

The ending seems to be what gets everyone's goat so far. I'm not sure it would've been as strange if you hadn't preceded it by humanizing Terri. There's a moment where I thought this might take a drama route as apparently, Terri isn't as much a sleaze as she appears. As a result, I wasn't sure if the ending was supposed to be cute or dark.

Not really nitpicking here. The more I think about it, the more it seems like the script works. Nevertheless, these were a few things I thought I should bring to your attention. I expect this might still confound a few more readers.

Anyway, not a bad effort, I suppose.
Posted by: CindyLKeller, July 31st, 2011, 2:51am; Reply: 15
Hey James,

Thanks for giving this one a read.

I'm just wondering if the ending made you smile or leave you scratching your head?

I'll be rewriting it as soon as I get a day off of work.

I see that you have a new short script up on the board. I'll give it a read.

Cindy
Posted by: CindyLKeller, August 1st, 2011, 11:50am; Reply: 16
I've finished the rewrite and sent it into Don. Not sure when he'll be able to post it.

I thought about having a comedic ending, then changed my mind and just tweaked the script a bit to make the ending that I have actually work.

Cindy
Posted by: greg, August 1st, 2011, 12:00pm; Reply: 17
Cindy,

You have three different subplots in a short period of time here, two of which were really quite different from one another.  The opening is fine - talk shows are always fun.  I was curious where you were going to go with it from there and I have mixed feelings about the outcome.  Terri's moment on stage after the show was kind of out of the blue.  That and I didn't really consider her the main character; I saw that in Clarence and Madeline.  

When it turned out that Clarence was going to slice and dice Madeline that really took me by surprise.  In a way I think it's the kind of ending that you never see the on the talk shows but wish you did.  Most of the people who have appeared on Springer or Maury have probably wanted to resort to limb hacking.  I actually thought it was gonna turn out that Clarence was born a woman and had a sex change.  I was sure of it when Madeline found the hair.  So you took me for a ride there.

I liked it for what it was.  Didn't go down the conventional route and tried some new things.  Good job.

Greg
Posted by: CindyLKeller, August 2nd, 2011, 3:01am; Reply: 18
Hey Greg,

Thank you for giving this one a read. I wanted to use Terri's after the show scene to show the real Terri, and as a way to move this story forward to show the real Clarence.

Glad you liked it.

Cindy
Posted by: CindyLKeller, August 2nd, 2011, 3:02am; Reply: 19
Don is quick.

He put the new draft up already.
Posted by: JonesyL, August 3rd, 2011, 4:18pm; Reply: 20
I enjoyed the read Cindy thank you.

I found it amusing, but I'm not sure the tonal shift sat well with me. I think the ending just came so out the blue that it left me thinking what the hell just happened. Also it almost seemed like a minor defence of those chat shows! Glad you rhymed it with Jerry and not Jeremy Kyle from back home though! If you do a sequel, have him underneath the axe at the end?  ;D

It read snappily and the dialogue was good. Minor point, the spelling of Terri/Terry kept changing on pages 3 and 4.

All the best!
Posted by: Electric Dreamer, August 4th, 2011, 10:21am; Reply: 21
Hey Cindy,

Let's take a second stab at this one and see what you did.
I always dig it when folks are willing to re-visit a script for a new draft.

Read the new draft, I'm unsure what's new here.
I still don't care for Terri's pity party after the show.
A seasoned host like that would be able to spin it, in the moment.
There's another way for that to go, to heighten the mood.
Perhaps Terri takes it down the sentimental route, something.
Then she can be the matchmaker, of a sort.
Maybe Madeline balks at Clarence's acceptance.
Then Terri can assuage her fears, stop being afraid of happiness.
Stuff like that rings much ore true to me for these reality show vulture hosts.

One typo stood out. Terri calls Clarence a "looser".

Hope this help. Still a very smooth read.

Regards,
E.D.
Posted by: jwent6688, August 4th, 2011, 2:36pm; Reply: 22
Hi Cindy,

Glad to read some new stuff from you. This was okay for me. I don't think the sub-plot of Terri wondering why people act a certain way on her show fits here. Shes a douche exploiting whomever she can to make ratings. Doesn't seem to chracter.

The end could use something. I don't get why eyes are with the brains. Or is it a whole head? You lack description there. Was confused. Personally, I would rather see you have Clarence admit he knew Madeline was a tranny all along. His last line could be "I like weiners better then brains" then he swings away.

James
Posted by: CindyLKeller, August 5th, 2011, 9:12am; Reply: 23
Hey Jonsey,
Thank you for giving this one a read. The Terri and Terry, darn it! I'll have to fix that. As for the ending, well, I gave a couple more hints to it while the two were on stage in this draft.

Hey Brett,
Thanks for giving this a read again. I wasn't trying for Terri to have a pity party. She was just sitting there wondering about people in general and wondering why they do what they do. I thought is was a good transition to the final scene. Oh, well.

Hey James,

Thank you for giving this one a read.
Yes, it was the whole head in the bag.

This script started out as an exercise for me, to get me out of a slump and to see if I could write a 5 page script.  :) The rewrite turned out to be 6 pages.

Thanks everyone for giving this a read.

Cindy

Posted by: CindyLKeller, August 5th, 2011, 10:41am; Reply: 24
Hummm...

I think I'm going to make this a feature. Have Clarence stalk and terrorize Terri while he continues on his killing spree.
Maybe he'll have the hots for her. I'm not sure yet.

I'll have to figure it out.

;D
Posted by: Nomad, August 7th, 2011, 11:07pm; Reply: 25
This one took a quick turn to the dark side that I wasn't expecting.  Almost too quick and too dark to work for me.  It was reading light and funny until the end.  Some of the dialogue seemed comical such as the part where Terri suggests that Clarance wants to beat up Madeline.

Had it seemed a little darker from the beginning, this would have worked better for me.
Posted by: CindyLKeller, August 8th, 2011, 11:28am; Reply: 26
Hey Nomad,

Yep, others have said that too, but I wanted an unexpected ending.
Something that would shock. Bad things do happen out of the blue like that.

Thanks for giving it a read. Sorry it didn't work for you.

I've been working out the story on paper for the feature.  

Cindy
Posted by: Nomad, August 8th, 2011, 2:45pm; Reply: 27
No need to apologize for the story not working for me.  It's just my two cents.  

If everything we wrote worked for everyone, that would make a very boring world.
Posted by: CindyLKeller, August 10th, 2011, 2:52am; Reply: 28
       :)

Thanks again for taking the time to give it a read.

Cindy
Posted by: Forgive, August 11th, 2011, 8:39am; Reply: 29
Didn’t entirely work for me, and there are two reasons for this:

1. The ‘twist’ at the end. As has been said this is a bolt-on twist, and as such you could have done anything here (kidnapped by aliens etc), so there is no challenge to the twist. I believe that the secret to a good twist is that it is embedded in the story before it is revealed; therefore there have to be subtle references to it before it is revealed.

2. I think that there is some confusion as to who’s story it is; the log-line clearly inferred that it should be either Madeline’s or Clarence’s story, but the body of the work makes it more Terri’s story: it’s Terri who really dictates events (calls the guys in, dictates the conversation) and it’s Terri who appears to have a journey of sorts - (questioning herself, undergoing realisations). Clarence appears a little flat at times – while he is being spoken to on the set, I think there needs to be some reference to his actions (shift uncomfortably etc).

I think some possibilities could be that you start off with Clarence in his house, maybe putting something in his fridge, hiding the axe (though we might not know it’s an axe at this stage) and intersperse this with Terri’s introductions..?

Hope this helps some.
Posted by: CindyLKeller, August 13th, 2011, 2:52am; Reply: 30
Thank you for giving this a read.

I see what you're saying. I guess the clues in his dialogue and actions weren't enough.

I'll work on that in the feature.

Thanks again.

Cindy

Posted by: CindyLKeller, October 27th, 2011, 4:44am; Reply: 31
The rewrite is up, but the link isn't working. :-/
Posted by: Don, October 27th, 2011, 5:08am; Reply: 32

Quoted from CindyLKeller
The rewrite is up, but the link isn't working. :-/


link fixed.

Don
Posted by: Electric Dreamer, October 28th, 2011, 10:43am; Reply: 33
Hey Cindy,

Always glad to revisit a contributing member's new drafts.

I don't recall seeing Clarence in the past opener, was he there?

Have you ever considered writing the audience as a dialogue character?
Might make the read smoother, IMO.

P. 3  The audience should laugh after Clarence admits he doesn't go out much.
        Feels very TV to me.
        Add an audience clap/whoop after Clarence says he's had some success.

I don't recall the "relationship status" thing in the earlier draft.
I didn't find that revelation as satisfying as whatever it was before.
It also seemed to require more explanation too, I could be wrong.
It rang false to me that Terri wouldn't be hip to that kind of thing.

Still a charming story. Hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.
Posted by: CindyLKeller, October 29th, 2011, 11:54am; Reply: 34
Hi Brett,

Thanks for giving this one another look.

You're right. Clarence wasn't in the last opener. I had opened on the show.

In the last draft Madeline reveals that she is really a man. In this draft she is a woman, but she is married.

That was an excellent idea to have the audience be a dialogue character. I'm definately going to use it.  :)

Thank you again for the read.

Oh, and a little P.S. If you feel like reading something else short, I rewrote Where There's Smoke in the September 2011 OWC.

Do you have anything you would like for me to read?

Cindy
Posted by: nawazm11, October 29th, 2011, 11:06pm; Reply: 35
Nice little story. Couldn't find anything too bad about it.

One of those few scripts which actually have a lesson to be learnt at the end  :).

The Talk Show kind of reminded me of The Jerry Springer show and the opening of Requiem for a dream.

Overall, a great read. Hopefully you find someone that would like to film this.

Posted by: Electric Dreamer, October 30th, 2011, 9:14am; Reply: 36

Quoted from CindyLKeller
Hi Brett,

In the last draft Madeline reveals that she is really a man. In this draft she is a woman, but she is married.

That was an excellent idea to have the audience be a dialogue character. I'm definately going to use it.  :)

Thank you again for the read.

Oh, and a little P.S. If you feel like reading something else short, I rewrote Where There's Smoke in the September 2011 OWC.

Do you have anything you would like for me to read?

Cindy


Hey Cindy,

I think I enjoyed the being a man premise than the being married one.
I recall the set up for that being smoother than the married thing.
What were you hoping to gain by showing Clarence in the opener?
I liked the previous draft where we dived right into the show.

Sure! I'll put the new Where There's Smoke draft in my queue!
Always happy to return reads to fellow contributing members.
Your writing style is very comfortable for me.
Your premises feel like an old shirt that never goes out of style.

I did a second draft of For Customers Only from the Sept. 2011 OWC.
And, the new fresh draft of Clone Wife will be submitted this week.

Regards,
E.D.
Posted by: CindyLKeller, October 31st, 2011, 10:44am; Reply: 37

Quoted from nawazm11
Nice little story. Couldn't find anything too bad about it.

One of those few scripts which actually have a lesson to be learnt at the end  :).

The Talk Show kind of reminded me of The Jerry Springer show and the opening of Requiem for a dream.

Overall, a great read. Hopefully you find someone that would like to film this.



Thanks for giving this one a read.
I wanted it to be like the Jerry Springer show, but with a female host, Terri Spaniel.  :)
I hope I find someone to film this, too. We'll see.
Cindy
Posted by: CindyLKeller, October 31st, 2011, 10:49am; Reply: 38

Quoted from Electric Dreamer


Hey Cindy,

I think I enjoyed the being a man premise than the being married one.
I recall the set up for that being smoother than the married thing.
What were you hoping to gain by showing Clarence in the opener?
I liked the previous draft where we dived right into the show.

Sure! I'll put the new Where There's Smoke draft in my queue!
Always happy to return reads to fellow contributing members.
Your writing style is very comfortable for me.
Your premises feel like an old shirt that never goes out of style.

I did a second draft of For Customers Only from the Sept. 2011 OWC.
And, the new fresh draft of Clone Wife will be submitted this week.

Regards,
E.D.


Hi Brett,

Well, I wanted to open on Clarence since the story is about him and Madeline.

About Madeline being a man, I had shown that draft to a filmmaker and he didn't like Madeline being a man.

I'll go check out For Customers Only. I liked that script already. I wonder what you changed.

And I'll check out your other script when it comes up. Please remind me, okay?

Cindy
Posted by: CindyLKeller, November 5th, 2011, 9:27am; Reply: 39
It looks like this one is getting produced.  ;D
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