The Tramp by Simon Colligan (SiColl007) - Short - A dead-beat tramp finds an offer of kindness is not what it seems. 15 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Simon,

I see you on the boards from time to time.
So, I thought I'd rescue this thread from disappearing into the commentless pile.

Right from the get go, I've got problems with your slugs.
Your first slug is a doorway.
You spend several lines showing us the surrounding area.
Then we come to the doorway.
Need an exterior slug there from the London street scene to start.

The "urinated-upon" hyphenation is distracting and clunky, IMO. Twice.

The story was OK, nothing new and the ending was status quo.
The best part of this for me was the dialogue, had a pretty natural flow to it.

It felt pretty random, since these two had no history together.
So, we go from just met small talk to action. Didn't really grab me, but not bad.

Also, I don't know why we opened on Lox when he never figures back into the story.

Hope this helps. Keep writing and rewriting.
Regards,
E.D.

Hi - thanks for the feedback - I didn't actually realise this script had been posted up. I had another look at my slugs in the light of what you have said - seems blatantly obvious now. Can't figure out why we miss some of these things when we first write them... I'll give it a good re-read, and rewrite.
Cheers.

Describing the tramps bad luck is somewhere between unfilmable and redundant, as he's being peed upon.  I kno u like that little turn of the phrase, but it's a tad superfluous.

Most of the writing is good, occasionally a touch over clever for my tastes, but some might like it.  Overall the story left me kinda listless though.  I think possible because Alvie is kinda hard to sympathize with once you learn his story.  I'm not for peeing on homeless or anything, but I also have trouble empathizing with a man who's on the streets simply cuz he couldn't show up on time to a litter collecting job.  Also seems a big jump from a group of guys who throw beer bottles and piss on bums to one friend who takes the time to invite him home in a Machiavellian scheme to humiliate/kill? The dude.

So overall, well written, just not sold on the whole concept.  Good job though.

Quoted from jackx Describing the tramps bad luck is somewhere between unfilmable and redundant, as he's being peed upon.  I kno u like that little turn of the phrase, but it's a tad superfluous.

Yeah - this is true, but you're right that I kind of liked it - I think there's always a little flexibility in scripts as long as it's not over done.

Quoted from jackx Most of the writing is good, occasionally a touch over clever for my tastes

I did a couplke of re-reads after writing, and this did creep up in the back of mind - may well re-write some of this area.

Quoted from jackx Alvie is kinda hard to sympathize with once you learn his story.

Okay - I could make it more hard luck for him - I sort of felt that he was inept, but maybe that's not coming across properly - and it's fairly central that there's some empathy for the guy. Point taken.

Quoted from jackx Also seems a big jump...  ...to one friend who takes the time to invite him home

The guy who takes him home is the third member of the original group... hope I made that clear enough..?

Quoted from jackx just not sold on the whole concept.

Okay - it's the first write, and there are clearly areas to improve on. Thanks for the feedback.

No prob.  What I meant about the jump to killing him was the first too guys are cruel and all, but not violent or particularly subtle.  The last guy is both, putting a lot more effort into messing with the guy and taking it vastly further that the other.  I guess he's just the psychopath of the group, but it's still a jump.
Hope that clarifies, good luck with it.