Legal Precedent by Sean Chipman (mr. blonde) - Short, Drama - The father of a teenager who's been arrested for murder, makes a plea to the District Attorney who's trying him. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Yeah, I wrote this piece of crap two years ago and just never posted it. Now, I did. Lol.

One of these days, I plan to become a better storyteller (and prose writer). I promise.

Well, Sean, I gave it a read.  I don't have anything positive to say, I'm afraid.

I didn't take notes, but there are numerous mistakes throughout.  One that I will bring up is the way you intro every single character.  Check these out...

"A detective, JASON HOUSTON (39)..."

"Jason approaches a man, CHRIS DEJESUS (41)..."

"Jason walks towards a young woman, SASHA DEJESUS (17)."

"A man, DAVID CARLISLE (44), walks in."

"Chris walks past a young woman, LEAH (23)..."

Do you see what these all have in common?  Every time you intro a named character, you preface the name with "a man", "a detective", "a young woman".  You don't want to do that and don't need to do it.  It's a waste and it gets very irritating.  Something to keep in mind.

As for the story, It just doesn't do anything for me.  I don't buy that Chris would just kill himself like that without trying to do anything whatsoever.  I didn't really care for anyone cause Chris is already dead when the script begins.

I'm sorry and hope this doesn't come across as harsh.  Take care.

Jeff,

That's ok. Like I said, in my first message, I didn't expect positive reviews from this.

I believe that's something I've sinced fixed in my writing, however it is possible that I don't do it everytime. I'll have to get back to you on that one.

I know. It was a lame story. And, as for the spelling errors and stuff, I could've fixed them before I sent the script in, but this is the draft as it was when I wrote it two years ago. I figured that if I made the fixes using what I know now, rather than others' opinions, that would defeat the purpose of posting.

And, it doesn't come off as harsh at all. I've been reviewed by you before and I know what to expect when you're not partial to a script. I have no qualms about that.

Thank you for the read and maybe I'll be able to provide something better for you next time.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde And, as for the spelling errors and stuff, I could've fixed them before I sent the script in, but this is the draft as it was when I wrote it two years ago. I figured that if I made the fixes using what I know now, rather than others' opinions, that would defeat the purpose of posting.

Sean, I'm not sure I follow this quote.  IMO, anything and everything you submit, should be as good as it can be, and that definitely includes spelling and typos.

It's kind of strange to me, as I read another script recently that hadn't been touched in well over a year and it had a ton of simple mistakes, that should be caught with a single re-read.

And I'm not trying to put you down at all, Sean, I'm just suggesting that you present the best you can, all the time.

I look forward to your next script.  Take care.

Hey Sean,

Always pleased to look over something for a contributing member.
I agree with Jeff about the character descriptions, it was confusing.
I kept having to go back and see who people were.
Also, I didn't follow who Chris was when we flashed back.
Perhaps a closing shot on the corpse would clear things up there.

This scene confused me.
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS
Chris jaywalks across the street.
A car slams on the brakes, narrowly misses Jason.
The car blows its horn. Chris doesn’t acknowledge it.

Is the detective randomly showing up in the flashback?

The story itself makes little sense to me in the end.
It seems a heaping coincidence conspired against our protag.
I don't get why he didn't call his daughter to see if she was okay.
Seems to me a simply phone call would have exposed the bluff.

Hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.

Sean, I won't be as harsh as these two bullies...  ;)

I enjoyed the story, and I thought the dialogue was written really well.  Perhaps a bit more exposition with what David's son got busted for would of been nice, some kind of twist there maybe.  It might be a stretch that he would walk across the street and just kill himself, I'm pretty sure the human psyche wouldn't allow that unless the circumstances were imminently dire.  Ok, I'm just babbling now...  

Throw out the parts you don't like, keep the parts you do like, and rework it.