Print Topic

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  One Man's Redemption
Posted by: Don, September 7th, 2011, 10:59pm
One Man's Redemption by Eric Nigma - Thriller - An aging hit man is on the run from the very organization he once worked for. Before he disappears for good, he's approached by a mysterious female, who claims to work for god, that entices him to work four jobs for her. WGA Registration #1085051 64 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: albinopenguin, November 21st, 2011, 5:40pm; Reply: 1
you're asking a lot when you post a 64 page script after not registering nor reviewing anyone else's work. how do we know that you'll even read our feedback? a few thoughts as i scanned the first several pages

there are several unnecessary -ing words (especially in the opening scene)

on page 2 it should be "male's" not "males"

FRANCESCO
What Paul is saying is you’re too
valuable of asset to be done.

^an asset

TONY
Be that as it may, I didn’t sign on
to do the type of work. What are
we, animals now?

^that type

on page 4 you use the phrase "quickly takes." try to avoid -ly verbs. make it "snatches"

FRANCESCO
It’s about the message sent Tone,
you know that.

^Tony

I'm going to stop right here. This needs more editing. I know I'm being nit-picky but you've overlooked some basic grammar/spelling mistakes. Go back, revise it, become a member, participate in the boards, and post it again.
Posted by: kidd8th, December 28th, 2011, 4:01pm; Reply: 2
Thanks for your suggestions.

Yes, I have read others scripts and given feedback (albeit a long time ago)

I don't spend much time here as I'd like to, but I post on occassion.

Thanks for the grammer errors. i will correct them. The Tone one though wasn't a error however. Just a nickname. The snatches suggestion is great.

The paragraph suggestions is a good one as well, however, I thought the standard was no more than 4 lines per paragraph? I may be wrong, but that's how I always written it.

Again, thanks for your suggestions. Yes I will scan through it once more and clean it up a bit.....
Posted by: Forgive, December 29th, 2011, 9:39am; Reply: 3
FADE IN: should be on the left, not the right.

Really can't see the problem with your paragraphs - they seem about right to me.

Not sure why this is in shorts, though? Bit on the long side.
Print page generated: May 4th, 2024, 11:56pm