The Bathroom Attendant by Brendan Kent - Short, Sketch Comedy - It's usually pretty awkward when someone waits for you to use the bathroom, only to hand you a paper towel, something you could have easily done yourself. But what if a bathroom attendant did more that that? 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

hey Brendan,

i don't know why but there are a lot of scripts floating around the board that revolve around bathroom attendants and man-eating poop. since your short was a sketch comedy, i figured id take a look.

right off the bat, this isn't properly formatted. read some other scripts and learn.

i wish i could say that your formatting was my biggest concern, but it's not. your sketch isn't very funny nor unique. I've heard the "shake more than twice and your playing with yourself" line more than id like to admit. furthermore the dialogue sounds like your characters stepped right out of the 1950's picture box. not realistic at all. and the punchline at the end falls flat.

sorry i couldn't be more positive. learn how to properly format scripts and go from there. i'd read a few more before writing another sketch/short.

Format is all wrong, couldnt even read it. Get Celtx its free.

While it was poorly formatted, it wasn't impossible to read.  Still, Brendan, you should learn formatting and get some software.  As someone else, here, mentioned, Celtx is free.

The script was cute but it went on a little long for a one-joke script.  I would shorten it a little and throw in an additional joke or two.  Your main character, Nelson, is very talkative; use this.


Phil

See above for format issues.

As far as the story goes, it's just okay.  Nelson needs to be more annoying, his conversation with his mom isn't necessary, and the men need more character.

You might want to have Nelson offer to shake for the men.  Then reveal that he doesn't work there.  That would be awkward, especially if Man #2 accepted his offer.

Give people names.  Man #1 means nothing to me.  It says nothing about his character.  If a guy named Butch came in, I'd expect certain traits to come with that name.  Same thing if a guy named Francis came in.  Use names unless it's absolutely unnecessary.

Sure you've gotten plenty of formatting comments. Won't go there. Well... what you did was how one introduces characters in a teleplay.  (I think)

"Walks up to the urinal and starts urinating" - Walking up to the urinal is all that's needed. It's kind of self explanatory. I guess you could say "walks up to the urinal and unzips" to make it a little bit more clear.

The fact that the guy tells him he's looking at his urine is pretty funny.

The "playing with yourself" line has been overdone. Find a way to say it differently.  

"and it's making me uncomfortable" Haha!

"Mom’s right? But then again who would pour our cereal every morning" What are you talking about? I don't get the line.

the "what a small world" line was hilarious.

I saw it coming, but you didn't execute it right. The word "volunteer" implies that someone in charge knows he's there, but he's just doing it for free. He should have said in some sort of form "I just like to chat" Not that, but something like it.

Good job. Again, some of your lines could use some work, and it was kinda predictable, but it was still good. Just learn how to format for screenplays.

I'm curious as to what the point is.

"Candy doesn't have a point.  That's why it's candy."
         -Charlie Bucket, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory


Phil

"Ok, we've had some word that there is some bad red rope licorice circulating in the crowd. Please stay away from the red rope licorice. Do not bite any off or chew it. It could cause a dental emergency..."
      - Garth, Wayne's World 2