Consummation by Lameth - Short - A couple's wedding night takes a horrific turn… 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Interesting indeed especially the ending. I have more questions about the b.g. to this piece and about Karly. There two scenes specifically that needs editing, only in Peter's dialogue. The dildo scene and the bat hitting scene. Cut the dialogue half way and let the action take place.


Hope this helps,
Gabr

Clever story. I guessed from early on that Karly was a prostitute and a man, but I didn't see the meat distributor thing coming.

Question: did she distribute her own meat? Ok, that was bad.

Congrats on playing. Nice work.

Not sure what to say.  Not sure what happened...or why?

Definitely didn't work for me, sorry to say.  I read and my eyes kind of went in a WTF way, and waited to see what was going on and why.

As I said on another, much better script, you need to watch what you really write and understand that this thing is hard R to NC 17 rating...doubt anyone is going to remotely think about filming this.

Not sure if this is a pisser or a serious entry even.  It's already gone from my memory.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.

This one was pretty twisted, which I like. I think I may have an idea who wrote this one, not many people willing to go this far, I always like when a writer takes things just over the line, not afraid to be distasteful, but it is also written pretty well. This had a nice twist with the meat house thingy. I would change how they said head mistress and said madam (insert name), sounds more believable, at least for me.  Good job on the OWC, a real twisted tale.

Have to agree with Dreamscale - this did not work for me at all. Felt sorry for poor old Ralph. Being dark is one thing, I thought this was just rather mean spirited.

One thing struck me - a cricket bat? This made me think the writer is British (or Commonwealth) but if not, why a cricket bat?

I didn't dislike it.   I did think it was a bit rough around the edges - maybe a bit rough period - but I think it has its "merits".   It's obviously a writer that isn't afraid to go balls out.

The cricket bat led me to think this might be a Canadian because I didn't get the impression from the dialogue that it was British or Australian.  Who knows it could be an American that crazily knows about cricket (or maybe they saw a cricket bat on some sex site).

I think this needs to be fleshed out a bit because things happen way too fast and I think that affects the experience of the script.  There should be some time taken to set things up and then to savour.

I had absolutely no problem with the content (though it was pretty twisted) and can easily see someone wanting to get into one of the rawer film festivals making this film.  

Good work for a week.    

When I was done, my first thought was "damn that was twisted"

Consummation = consumption, I get it. Throw in some dildos, a same gender wedding with a cross dresser, and you have an unusual story. This was a bit much for my tastes. The stuttering was way over done. The writer did drop some hints about Karly’s identity.

I think the cricket bat was used because it's shaped like a paddle. Not a lot of people use baseball bats to "spank" someone...

Anyway, this didn't really work for me at all.  I got excited and had good hopes when all the dildos were lined up and thought "this will be good". But what happened after that just ruined it for me. I didn't understand the point of this story at all. It gave me an idea for a story though so I guess I didn't go away empty handed.

The writing was fine.

I used a baseball bat, once, to spank someone.  I spent eight months in the lock-up for it.

This story didn't do anything for me.  I've seen too many movies where a beautiful woman marries a toad and it's never for love.

This piece was too heavily detailed.  It probably could be written in about four or five pages.  Your description of Ralph was way of the top.  You could've just said he was an obese guy with greasy hair and a bad complexion.  We get the point from this.

It was a cute ending, but everything leading up to it made me think, 'when is this going to end?'


Phil

OWC rules respected:

Absolutely.

Originality:

It was somewhere between a psycho-movie and porn... but very inventive after all.

Formatting:

Fine with me, writing well done.

Overall opinion:

Sorry, not the kind of movie I'd like to watch. I'm not against sex scenes, but it should be a little more subtle. This way, it was too much.

This one fits the parameters of the contest without a problem.
Kimmy’s boots get the lead for “best accessory description award”.
“Whatever you say, KARL-LEE”, would’ve been chuckle worthy.
The closing exposition wasn’t as intriguing as the start.
The stereotypes were laid on a bit thick for my taste.
The action descriptions could be crisper.
Start with the most important thing the audience needs to know.
Then slap a present tense verb on it and go from there.

Regards,
E.D.

There's some action and some actual tension in the story.  I can imagine Pandora Boxx in the role of Karly.  

Congrats on finishing the OWC

Not sure I cared for it though.

I thought this was out there, but then came the part about the meat and I was like, What? Where did that come from? Now where are we going? Oh, okay nowhere. It was mentioned then dropped.

I think you added that for an extra shock, but I think that was just too much to add to a story that already had a lot going on in it.

Cindy

Certainly one of the most controversial and adult entries. I think the majority of writers automatically think of grim scenarios when faced with minimal characters and location. It is a confining concept.
Anyhoo - I found this a little bit too uncomfortable and almost gross. It is quite well written (in my limited experience) and watching Karly and Ralph was like watching a car crash - you shouldn't watch but you can't help it.
I knew Ralph was doomed from the moment he was introduced but the sexual theme to his death gave it gave it an even nastier taste.
Daz

This reminded me of the beginning of the movie... what was the name of it. I've never seen it seriously, but I was studying and had read "about" it. A man's in bed having sex with a woman. Everything is hot and steamy and then... The female swipes down with a knife!

In the case, of this story, it was a dildo. I have to say I had seen it coming from the way that Ralph was painted. If he'd have just been shown as an average sort of guy, I think it wouldn't have been so clear.

I didn't think the writing was bad. For me however, it doesn't really shock me because it feels too purposeful. How far can I go? Well, you can go as far as you like, but I think because readers read so much, they just begin to turn a blind eye to this sort of thing.

Sandra

It was kinda entertaining, clever title,  but I felt their was just to many wild elements, what with the sex fight,  murder, guns, cannibalism and 'dude looks like a lady', that it didn't have enough clear focus.  

Just not really my kind of thing I guess, very full on.
It stood out thought.  

Leon

P-p-p-poor R-r-r-r-ralph! Not really. I didn't like him from the start, Nor did I like Karly. Or even Kimmy. The fact that Karly had a dick didn't make things better and just left more questions unanswered for this script.

Sean

My first reaction on finishing was... Yuck. I suppose you could count that as a success since that was the aim.

When the meat part started I thought monster/vampire  but it didn't seem to go that way?

All the best.

As I go:

Page 1:  Pity the poor art director that's gotta find a buncha dildos on a tiny budget...ha!

Page 3:  Ralph's stutter is a little overdone, for me.  Tiny thing.

Page 4:  "He vomits streams of bile"  This is when I start laughing, by the way.  I find this stuff highly laughable, so if you're going for something other than that, you might consider pulling it back a bit.

Thoughts:

I don't care.  I don't know why anyone would.  The ideas are mildly amusing (it's funny that she has a dick), and there's always something to be said for excess, but really, what's the point?  Ralph sucks, so it's fine to see him get killed, but I don't know that that means I'm rooting for Karly, who's a little annoying.  I can see people I don't like fight each other every time I go out...need a little more than that to keep me interested here.

The problem is that to be shocked, we need to be connected to the person to which the shocking thing happens.  Nasty for nasty's sake is about as boring and offensive as it gets, by me.

Thanks for the read.

I agree that the descriptions were a bit too much, and the whole ugly duckling gets the girl, then girl screws him over (pardon the pun) is kind of cliche. The ending threw me. I thnk there was too much going on in the one story, so it didn't really gel for me.

Good effort, tho:)

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. This reminded me of the beginning of the movie... what was the name of it. I've never seen it seriously, but I was studying and had read "about" it. A man's in bed having sex with a woman. Everything is hot and steamy and then... The female swipes down with a knife!

Basic Instinct?  's an ice pick, though...

Should see it seriously, Sandra...one of Verhoeven's best!  A great mixed up melodramatic neo-noir violent sexy excessive mess.

Though not quite as excessive as Consummation.  :)

Death by sex toy.  And the delicious description of 'fuck me boots'.

Why don't I like this one better?  I should.  It should be right up my alley.

But for some reason, I just didn't get into it like I usually would.  I think because the beginning didn't really grab me at all.  His stuttering problem intrigued me and I thought that would play into the story somehow, but I just wasn't into this one at all.

It wasn't badly written.  A typo here and maybe there, but the story was cohesive and everything made sense in the end and it wasn't too too bad of a twist, (with it being a hotel room slaughterhouse).  Karly being a man was easy to see coming, so I didn't consider that the main twist, but it was pretty well written with a story that I myself should've loved.

I don't know why I didn't love it, but it was decent.  Average, I'd say.

Mark

I liked this.  It was different, it was bold, it was weird.

It was also funny and dark in a stylish way.  I liked the contrast.  Of course, Ralph getting shot didn't do this any favors. If he's just gonna get shot in the end, what's the point of spending money on eloping and going through all this other stuff?  I just think it defeats the purpose.

But nevertheless I enjoyed this.  Story-wise it was a good turn of events.

Nice job.

Greg

Quoted from greg what's the point of spending money on eloping

I might be wrong in my interpretation of the story, I did read it a little late lastnight, but I thought there never was a wedding.  I thought Ralph was visiting a whorehouse hotel and he wanted Karly to act like they had just gotten married.

I didn't say it in my reply lastnight, but this had a very 'Hostel' feel to it.

That was my interpretation, Mark. This is a wedding fantasy.

I geddit. This is a deep meditation exploring the erosion of America's moral fibre via beatification of an incredibly unattractive man, who in turn symbolises the ugliness of our crass society... or perhaps it's a writer just having fun. Mmmmm, a toughie, but I'm siding with the former. This is one of those scripts that seeks - and will receive - a cult audience. It's certainly characterised by an imaginative air. It's one of those scripts that will either work for you, or not. Not a lot of middle ground, I suspect. It doesn't work for me, but certainly would for a few people I know. Not sure if I'm insulting the writer or my friends with that. However, if you could arrange a hook up between me and Karly, I'd be very appreciative. Danke.

I thought this wasn't too bad. It did have me amused a couple of times to be fair, in particular the line...

'Karly continues to finger Ralph’s body.'

Simple things really do amuse me.

I didn't really get the point of the whole using them for meat part. Like someone else said it was just there, then gone. Personally I would of liked a little more explaining or reasoning.

Made me chuckle enough to like it, but not love it.

Arty.

hey everyone,

just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the read. your comments were INCREDIBLY insightful and helpful.

to be honest, i've been tinkering with this idea for some time now. wanted to make it into a feature but never started writing it (think of the hangover meets hostel). so when the OWC popped up, i figured i'd finally hunker down and begin writing.

since it was a short, i tried to make it stand alone as a short and not as a feature. so i crammed in WAY too much in just a few pages. this is obviously where i went wrong.

however, i dont consider this to be a failure. it grabbed everyone's attention and thats exactly what i wanted. so for the rewrite, i'll take the whole "selling human flesh" factor out and leave it for later in the script (or maybe i'll reveal that Karly was a man later, who knows). but for the feature, i want a horror/comedy mashup that can still fall under an R rating. but now i'm getting off topic.

overall, and most importantly, thank you, thank you, thank you. you guys are awesome.

Okay finished with this one.

The writting is good. no problems there.

The story is perverse, and thats not a bad thing lol. I have to agree I felt bad for the guy in a way. But he went into it knowing what he was getting right? I mean besides the buck shot of course lol

Good job on getting it done.

Quoted from Heretic Thoughts: I don't care. I don't know why anyone would. The ideas are mildly amusing (it's funny that she has a dick), and there's always something to be said for excess, but really, what's the point?

Yeah, same goes for me. It's amusing but I didn't catch the idea beneath it. What was it all about?