In Your Face by Resh - Short - A teenaged couple sneak into a boxing club after hours only to have their fathers, bitter rivals, arrive uninvited. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

I can't say this worked for me in any way.

Story is weak and totally unbelievable...preposterous may be a better word for it.

Characters and action also very unrealistic.

Writing, although not horrible and by someone who knows a thing or 2, just came off as very irritating to me for some reason...like it was trying to be more than it is, and cool, hip, which it wasn't.

I could go into detail, but I'm not going to.  Unlike so many of the entries so far, this is a long winded, snooze inducing read.  I seriously had to catch myself twice, as I was nodding off.  Just couldn't get into this at all, sorry to say.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.

Excellent choice for the one location! Definitely original. Well executed drama and action. Fairly complicated for a ten page short, but just the right amount.

Only problem I see is tone. We're not quite sure if this is supposed to be serious or light hearted. It's kind of on the fence in that regard.

Good work overall. This could be a contender!...sorry, couldn't resist.

There were parts of this that I liked but it ventures into the realm of "is this supposed to be funny?"  Seriously, some of Roger's dialogue is hysterical.  And then Kent comes in and some of his actions/dialogue is just as funny and somehow I don't think it was meant to come off that way.  The final confrontation with the gun and stuff was weird and out of left field.  Pulling a gun, the dad saying he's gonna go to the hot tub with the girl, all of these father-son issues surfacing - the timing was off for all of it and it was out of left field.  Then when both guys are on the mat at the end and Roger sneaks a punch - I really am confused now - is this a comedy or a drama?  Or a comedy-drama?  It seemed like a real drama at the start but got humorous as it progressed.  

However, I did like this.  I may have liked it for the wrong reasons, but I still thought it was okay.

Nice job.

Greg

First things first. This is going to sound a bit nitpicky, but if you aren't going to give the 'Boxing Club' a name (like "Mighty Mick's Boxing" from the 'Rocky' films) then there is no need for the unnamed "fancy name" line that starts the script. You don't even say if it's a neon sign. Also look at your slugs. One says "Athletic Boxing Club" and the next says "Boxing Club". Yes, they may be one the same, but technically, they are different header slugs. (And later, it's the "Athletic Club")

But good writing in a establishing wide shot without calling the actual shot. I like that enough to read on. But then I'm hit with:

Quoted Text JESSICA BAXTER, 17, her skin tight jeans fit tighter than tight, leans against the front desk. Sam walks by, she grabs him around the waist. His hands rest on her buttocks. She squirms closer.

Try this:

JESSICA BAXTER, 17, in skin-tight jeans. leans against the front desk.

Sam walks by, Jessica grabs him around the waist. Sam's hands rest
on her butt.

You are probably wondering why I'd ditch the 'squirms closer' bit. That's because of the position they are in. It seems to me they are close enough to make out, and Sam faces her. That's subjective on my part. But the pronoun confusion doesn't read right and  the 'tighter than tight' bit is over descriptive. I's even debate the 'skin' part of tight (tight says it all) but I'll let that go.

Speaking of the pronouns. When Sam talks, you follow it up with an action from Jessica, calling her 'she'. Call her Jessica. Likewise, in the locker room, Jessica speaks then the action is 'He holds a .357 Magnum' when it should be Sam holds a .357 Magnum.

I was a little confused with Jessica's dad, Rodger, showing up. Not only does he stop in the middle of the boxing ring to have an OTN moment, but um...am I to understand he's been her before? And when Kent ---SAM'S DAD shows up there's some sort of past rivalry between him and Rodger? So the kids sneak off to a place that thier fathers know well, get hot tub action  ;D - which makes Jessica nothing more than eye-candy.

So know I wonder. What's up with the gun?


++++SPOLIERS ARE US+++++

Quoted Text KENT Who knows? I might give her a hot tub adventure.

Ah-ha. Sam's daddy is also a last minute perv  >:(
Or is he trying to get into Rodger's head, by saying, 'Hey, I'll steal your 17 year old daughter, my son's girlfriend"   :o That is a correct interpetation, isn't it?

But at least it suggests that the two youths are trying to hide from him...no that can't be, they hide out in a place he (and Rodger) frequent. If he is such a threat, why the boxing match? It makes no sense.

On top of all this, the Rodger/Kent rivalry puts the youths as more specators, and it does not work for me at all. There was some promise, but it seems there is a conflict of whose story you wanted to show.


Nice effort for OWC, but not well thought out.

This conforms to the one location OWC rule.
Opening line caught me off guard.
It read to me like a statement about the slug.
When you say, “transported to the ring”, it sounds literal.
Let the reader know without a doubt, it’s metaphorical.
Descriptions run a little too lean for my tastes.
Some musky gym atmosphere would help the story along.
Blushing right after discovering a gun seems weird.
I liked the teens’ reaction to the melodrama in the end.

Regards,
E.D.

I liked something about this. My thoughts;

# the gym location was good. Something different.
# I'm no boxer but do gyms have hot tubs? I presume they do.
# I liked the boy/girl family split. West side story etc - it's a format that offers potential for decent conflict
# gun I didn't like. Why? I think it took away from the interactive tension that could arise. The fact that he brought it to the ring to hide it seemed implausible.
# Sam's dad's suggestion about the girl, again not sure. With both wanting to fight, with a tension between family/child I wasn't sure you needed to make one into the nasty one. I think we could have been left with the tension of who should win etc rather than routing for one. Maybe that goes against the protag/antag line but there is a lot going on.

I would like to see this one if revised.

All the best.

This one took some odd turns I wasn't expecting.  It started out believably enough, with a Romeo and Juliet storyline, then somehow turned into Rocky IV.  These two guys just sort of step into the ring.  Didn't seem believable at all.

The "In Your Face" line by Kent during the face was unintentionally funny.

The gun was really out of place and obvious in this.  And hiding it under the ringside towels?  Probably not the best plan.

On the plus side, I thought the formatting was good and the pace moved right along.  I just didn't buy into any of what happened.  This was written with a sure hand, but it didn't really do much for me.

A good setting and neat idea but averagely executed. I did like the fight description but there was some very unrealistic dialogue and I thought the Gun and Flashback were unnecessary. The fathers were cookie cutter and at times found it difficult to see who was speaking to who.

This was mostly well written, but the trouble was its believability.

It tried to be comedic I think, but it failed in that regard what with
the gun and how the two dads were behaving-- especially Kent.

A very nice try, but it didn't feel right to me.

Sandra

Nice script for the OWC

I have to agree with the others about the gun though. It comes out of nowhere and doesn't seem to add to the threat their up against.

I do think that Sam should stick up for Jessica as well as himself more.

It would be nice to have seen a poster of Sam in a boxing pose inside the gym. Maybe he could be getting ready for an upcoming championship middle-weight fight???
Maybe his dad is his trainer?

I think you should show more about the father and son differences as well as the why these two fathers don't like each other.

I would have liked to see Sam knock his father down and be the one who gains control and resolves the problem. :)

I always liked boxing and I enjoyed this script.

Please let me know if you do a rewrite, okay? I'd like to reread it.  :)

Cindy

I liked this one. I agree that the gun was a little much, but I liked everything else. To me this is one of the better ones I've read this OWC and I only have 5 more to go.

It held my interest and had conflict. Nothing in the writing itself stood out so it was a smooth read to me.

Cindy's comments are pretty much what I would agree with too as far as suggestions for a rewrite.

Good work!  :)

As I go:

Page 2:  "He sure hates your dad."  Is this really the time to say that?  Would he really bring that up at all?  Might need to hide this a little better.

Page 3:  "He's transported to the middle of the ring..."  Engage!  :)

Page 4:  "Her wet hair soaks her top."  Hot.  Do we need to know this...?

Page 5:  Sam's got a serious pair of nuts.  I dunno if I buy him being that brave, to be honest.  Imagining him a little cowed in this situation.

Page 10:  What is going on is borderline ridiculous, by the way.

Thoughts:

I don't really get it.  As a drama, I don't think this really makes any sense.  I think it has serious potential as a comedy.  Two fathers slug out their differences when they should be dealing with their kids.  As is, the two stories don't really seem connected at all.  Not sure that the kids really even need to be involved.

The gun is way too far.  Props for upping the stakes but I think they need to be dialed back a little in this case.

No clear protagonist.  I'm assuming that the idea is that it's Sam but he doesn't really figure into the climax nearly as much as he should.  As soon as the two fathers enter the kids are mostly overshadowed.  Next, motivation becomes a problem.  Not clear on the dads, in particular, or their relationships with their kids.  There are definitely some suggestions as to the dads' characters but not to how they affect their children.

I dunno.  I really do think this would work best as a comedy (not because it was laughable as is; the premise just seems inherently funny).  

Thanks for the fun read!

Sorry, I didn't love this. The writing had too much exposition and the dialogue was too on the nose, IMO. I'm not convinced about the gun bit for a couple of reasons. First, I'm not sure Sam would threaten to shoot his father after this fight. Second, I don't think the gun serves a big enough purpose to warrant it being a part of the script.

Good effort, tho:)

I was getting tired with the in your face remarks. Found that to be funny and kind of annoying, sorry. Also, the scenario is kind absurd funny. Hope you meant it to be funny.

Gabe

Okay read it.

Maybe one grammar error with sam putting gloves on someone (Probably Kents) but it could be interperated as his own hands.

The story seems a little like Romeo and Juliet meets rocky? Not bad but its a little hazy IMO. Other wise not a bad story.

Good job.

Quite surprised to see this was you, Gary. From memory, it doesn't really bear a Gary cachet, if you will. You're a reader, so hopefully you'll get more perspective on this.

There's definitely potential here. You have two boxers, one of which has carried around the internal scars of a painful defeat to an exhuberant victor for 20 plus years. This has obviously eaten into his psyche, in terms of how he views himself, as well as disorienting his relationships with others. The victor carries around the shallowness of winning a grudge match and allows this to inflate his self perception. The point is that a grudge match is ultimately harmful to both. They need to learn this and we then need to view this lesson and apply it to our own silly grudges and see them for their folly.

Their children come together and ultimately teach the boxers you can't hold back love and certainly not based on their own quibbles. That's the basis I would think more naturally suits as a narrative arc, but you never really grounded the story in a wider framework where these guys learn lessons. You have an oscillating tone that deviates from comic to dramatic without any sense of flow. I think you're lacking small segues enabling us to successfully to and fro the comedic and dramatic.

Ultimately, the gun felt really unnecessary and I found it difficult to reconcile its inclusion. The other problem for me was the way Kent went from a bit naughty to flat-out villainous - completely out of steep with the other characters.

If you have a compelling reason for a rematch and bring that to the top, you set a goal or conflict that can then run parallel to the romance. We can then investigate the underpinnings of both set of relationships and put these characters through the grinder a little more. Bringing the scrap in after 4 or so pages just left it a little disjointed, IMO.

I just want to give a shout out to Gary and say that this is probably one of the most underrated scripts.

Don't feel bad about my limited comments. Firstly, I didn't know until now that you had written it and secondly, I'm a woman; so I guess typically, (I might be that stereotype) that needs love and affection to be present on some level for it to be believable to me.

In this script, I remember the young couple had that love and affection and their parents were at odds. This is an excellent controversial situation that you worked with. I do think you could have benefited from a woman's touch. Doesn't need to be my crazy touch. Could have been Cindy's or Pia's or Breanne's for an example, but I bet they could have benefited from their perspective.

Really good job, Gary. I think you captured a whole lot of mood and through the whole thing, I was rooting for the kids. Because of that strong emotional feeling that you conjured as if by accident, I think In Your Face is a script that deserves another mention.

Sandra

This script was hurt by the late release, which means it got fewer reads. Definitely one of the more original spins on this OWC that was full of originality. If there's one mistake, it's the same one I always make with my stories: it tries to do a little too much. Makes it tougher to do in a week. This was real close to coming all together. Maybe without the character or location limitation it could be ironed out now. Fine writing skills here!

When I was going through reading scripts for the OWC, I didn't look at the loglines.  Just started from batch one and worked my way through them all.

If I were judging by loglines, I would've read this one first, just because of the inclusion of a 'boxing club'.  (I'm a huge boxing guy.)

If I have any complaints about this one, it would be the tone.  There were cute parts, then there were dramatic parts, then there were funny parts, then there were crazy parts, then it got funny again, then serious again, then romantic, then whacky again.  I think the story would have worked a lot better had it been all dramatic, or all light-hearted.

Definately, the intrusion of the gun is what off-sets the tone I think you were going for.  You'd have a perfectly fine story here just taking the gun out.  It really wouldn't change much in the way of the story.  In fact, it might even bring out Sam's character a little more.  Without the gun, Sam might have a chance to step up and use his boxing skills on his father.

But it's still a decent story nonetheless.  Just has to find the right tone.  Actually, it doesn't even matter what tone you choose, it'll still be a good story if you go serious or funny.  But a mixture of the two I just don't think worked.

- Mark