Grief by D. Ross Kellett - Short, Ghost Story - A young girl claims to communicate with the ghost of her dead mother. The truth is something much more interesting. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Impressive!

Concise, fluid writing with a nice little twist.

I think this could use an extra scene showing Henry and his inability to cope with his wife's death. It would help your audience understand Emma's motivation a little more at the end.

Really nice work, though.

I think the writing is really good. I’m not so enthusiastic about the twist at the end. I’ve grown weary of all the forced twists. I do commend you for trying to be fresh about it. It is a fresh twist, just feels a little forced to me.

It would make a nice little short and wouldn’t be all that difficult to produce. In fact, the visual is just the type of thing I personally might try to pull off in a film. I’m surprised more up and coming filmmakers don’t try these types of visuals.

Good luck with it.


Breanne

This is excellent, Ross. I enjoyed the read.

I liked the girl's indifferent kind of tone in the beginning.

Sandra

Yep, this is well written and even well conceived, IMO.

I don't understand how someone can say the twist is forced, as the twist here, is the entire reason the script exists.  The entire script is written around the twist.  Emma has powers that are not revealed immediately, thus, the twist at the end.

On a first and quick read, it all works quite well, IMO, but there are some issues if you spend a minute or 2 thinking about what you just read, though.

Biggest concern is how Dr. Freeman knows that Emma has this power all of a sudden.  I mean throwing a pencil at an 8 year old patient, aiming for her eye, would usually lead to a pretty bad situation.  If he's wrong, he's fucked.  What clued him in?

The other issue is the Flashback itself.  It's obviously not coming from any 1 person's memory (Emma), as it takes place in 2 separate rooms, when  1 or 2 characters were present - Emma was not inside Henry's room and the door was closed, so she couldn't see anything, and I'm not even sure how she could control an object she can't see (but that's a different issue entirely).  So, I think we're to assume that this Flashback serves as visual info, while Emma is telling Dr. Freeman this little tale, so it doesn't quite jive.

Finally, IMO, the actual Flashback formatting isn't great. I know many do it this way, but there's a better way that is much more clear and direct and doesn't alter the Slugs, as it shouldn't.  Simply use "BEGIN FLASHBACK:" on top of the Slug where it begins, and then "END FLASHBACK.: when  it's over.  You won't even need a new Slug, because you're still in the one before the Flashback began.

I do like this script, though.  Nice to see a well written script every now and then.  It's a unique take that works well.  Good job!

Quoted from Dreamscale I don't understand how someone can say the twist is forced, as the twist here, is the entire reason the script exists.  The entire script is written around the twist.

Just because the story revolves around a twist doesn’t mean the twist isn’t forced. And a forced twist isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

I think the script is very well written and I applaud the author’s efforts. I feel certain that Duncan will understand what I mean. As for whether or not you ever will, I can’t say.


Breanne

Quoted from Breanne Mattson I feel certain that Duncan will understand what I mean. As for whether or not you ever will, I can’t say.Breanne

OK, Breanne...thanks for that little jab.  That's cute.

Quoted from Dreamscale On a first and quick read, it all works quite well, IMO, but there are some issues if you spend a minute or 2 thinking about what you just read, though. Biggest concern is how Dr. Freeman knows that Emma has this power all of a sudden.  I mean throwing a pencil at an 8 year old patient, aiming for her eye, would usually lead to a pretty bad situation.  If he's wrong, he's fucked.  What clued him in?

It's really weird, Jeff. Because that's what I was thinking, at first when I read it, but I didn't really clue in enough to make a mention of that fact.

It's a really good observation on your part that it nudged you enough to make the comment.

What I had thought when I read it, was that the therapist had a "prior" relationship with the girl as a patient even before her mother had died. But I guess that was just me reading things into the script.

I understand your point though. It's legitimate.

Sandra

This is an interesting short. The subject matter is obviously heavy, but you handle it deftly. For me, the ending works better with no acknowledgment that Emma's lying about her mother's presence. Ambiguous responses would leave a greater impact than her simply 'fessing up. It would also fit more easily with the fact she is there. Who sent her there? Presumably not her father after she comforted him. He obviously wouldn't now send her. So that's a logic gap you could fill with actual questions left unanswered about her sanity and her mother being there a reality. Whilst I like the device, i.e. her skill, I think it should fit into a wider ambiguity, as I say.

Good work, though.

Quoted from Andrew This is an interesting short. The subject matter is obviously heavy, but you handle it deftly. For me, the ending works better with no acknowledgment that Emma's lying about her mother's presence. Ambiguous responses would leave a greater impact than her simply 'fessing up. It would also fit more easily with the fact she is there. Who sent her there? Presumably not her father after she comforted him. He obviously wouldn't now send her. So that's a logic gap you could fill with actual questions left unanswered about her sanity and her mother being there a reality. Whilst I like the device, i.e. her skill, I think it should fit into a wider ambiguity, as I say. Good work, though.

I'm thinking that we're all over-thinking this. Perhaps it's just very straight forward.

A father is concerned = He sends her to a therapist.

The therapist is intuitive = He throws the pencil to make sure his suspicions are correct.

There. It's solid and golden.

Now if only I could get my scripts to be that solid and golden with a little bit more thinking.

Sandra

I still feel like its missing something.  You know?  Anyone?  

Its like a great snapshot that has a piece of it cut out.  

Like others I enjoyed this and it flowed well. Nice not to have a dark ending for once.

My key issues is a bit like DS. The therapist meets a girl who can make items fly. But that's fine, see you next week! I think my reaction would be a touch different.

Good stuff.

Maybe none of this matters in the least, as the writer hasn't shown up.

It reads like an intro to an X-Men type character.  

Very well written and a great concept.
The little girl is fantastically bought to life but felt that the therapist and father were a little stiff. The therapist's reaction was too understated (maybe he is used to dealing with "gifted" children?)
I feel it could do with a couple of extra pages, a bit more detail but that's just me!
I enjoyed the read but it did go a bit Steven King with the floating ring and I did groan a little bit when that happened.
But is is a very solid foundation for something grander and the writer deffinitely has talent.
Good job
Daz

I really enjoyed this. Hope it gets filmed.

Quoted from skp1987 I really enjoyed this. Hope it gets filmed.

It did get filmed.

I really hate that I don't get any email updates when people are discussing my script on a message board. Guess it's my own fault for not checking... but if I known I had two pages of comments, I woulda commented! Sheesh.

So, yeah, it got made by the awesome guys at FUGO Studios. The opening car crash scene was added when the director requested an opening with more "pop." He was right. The scene turned out great.

Everything else was pretty much as written, with the exception of the girl disappearing in the final shot. Not sure about that one. Sure, it lends a mysterious air to the whole thing, but it implies she may be a ghost as well. She's not. Or maybe the director thought she was. Either way, it's a different choice, and shows what can happen when different people interpret the same story.

This was originally conceived as a full length screenplay. I was having trouble connecting the beginning to the end, so I just left out the 100 or so pages in the middle and smooshed them together. The poster who mentioned there was something missing was spot on. There's a LOT missing, but I did the best I could to make it one small contained story.

This was my first short script attempt, and I think it shows.

Quoted from angelus77 I really hate that I don't get any email updates when people are discussing my script on a message board.

If you click the "notify" button at the top of the thread, you will be notified when someone posts something to your thread.  You have to opt in since my personal belief is to limit the number of unwanted emails to a user's inbox.

Don

Thanks! Man, I keep struggling with this and missing out on discussions of MY material. :-)

Epic - makes me green with envy! Very well done.

Very well done! The car crash was a nice jump. Definitely looks better on Red, but I can't believe a phone recorded that well.

Good job, for a first short, one hell of a fine production...

James

Great job angelus77!!!

Getting your first script shot, is pretty darn impressive.

When they talk about the iphone camera, are they actually talking about the i4 phone?

I juus got one on Thursday and love some of the features but havent played with the camera.

I cannot believe that second video was done on a phone camera. WOW!!

Anyway, GONGRATS!!!

Shawn.....><

Hey Ross,

Congrats on getting this filmed, a very fine production indeed.

Also just read the script and it’s a solid piece and I can understand why it got produced.  I think it was a good idea to add that car crash in at the beginning, definitely gave it some “pop “as you called it.

Good on you. :)

Steve

Quoted from Ledbetter Great job angelus77!!! Getting your first script shot, is pretty darn impressive. When they talk about the iphone camera, are they actually talking about the i4 phone? I juus got one on Thursday and love some of the features but havent played with the camera. I cannot believe that second video was done on a phone camera. WOW!! Anyway, GONGRATS!!! Shawn.....><

Not my first script. I've had a number of options, write-for-hires, and even a trailer made for one of my full-length scripts. However, this is the first script, short or full-length, to actually be filmed start to finish. I'm thankful to the guys at FUGO... it turned out much better than I had hoped.

Nothing definitive, but I hope they enter it in the festival circuit. They've had stuff premiere at Cannes before.

-Duncan

Quoted from CoopBazinga Hey Ross, Congrats on getting this filmed, a very fine production indeed. Also just read the script and it’s a solid piece and I can understand why it got produced.  I think it was a good idea to add that car crash in at the beginning, definitely gave it some “pop “as you called it. Good on you. :) Steve

I never even thought about adding a car crash because I thought it would be too cost prohibitive and I was trying to keep it as low budget as possible (why the other scenes are quiet, one locale kind of scenes). But Eric convinced me they could do it, and not to worry about it, so I wrote the scene for him. Glad I did.

Duncan,

Welcome to Simply Scripts. It seems although you might be new here, you definitely have some skin in the game so far as writing goes.

Look forward to seeing more of your work.

Take care man.

Shawn.....><

Congrats on getting your short filmed.... Yes, the car scene gave it an extra edge, compared to your submitted script.

Overall a nice read and a good production.

Mark

Quoted from Ledbetter Duncan, Welcome to Simply Scripts. It seems although you might be new here, you definitely have some skin in the game so far as writing goes. Look forward to seeing more of your work. Take care man. Shawn.....><

Thanks. I actually posted a couple screenplays a few years ago then took them off when they got optioned. ive been in and out of the hollywood game. very close to production on a couple of projects but, for one reason or another, things fell through. What a surprise. Now that my relationship with my agent has ended...long story...ill be posting more stuff on here. currently working on my first script without some kind of supernatural or sci-fi element. it's a political drama/comedy. uh... wish me luck.

Congrats Duncan! Looks good!

I see they added a new scene at the beginning. I’ve seen that “car crash from the side” effect so many times now that it feels a bit cliché, but I totally understand why a filmmaker would want to shoot that type of shot and I think they did a really good job with it. I can tell the exterior is added in post, but it still looks nice. It almost gives it a sort of dreamlike quality.

As for the parts you actually wrote, I think they did a really good job of staying true to the material, except for the vanishing at the end. This suggests the little girl is a ghost rather than someone with psychokinetic abilities. I liked it better with the superhero slant rather than the paranormal.

Overall, great job. Congratulations.


Breanne

Quoted from Breanne Mattson Congrats Duncan! Looks good! I see they added a new scene at the beginning. I’ve seen that “car crash from the side” effect so many times now that it feels a bit cliché, but I totally understand why a filmmaker would want to shoot that type of shot and I think they did a really good job with it. I can tell the exterior is added in post, but it still looks nice. It almost gives it a sort of dreamlike quality. As for the parts you actually wrote, I think they did a really good job of staying true to the material, except for the vanishing at the end. This suggests the little girl is a ghost rather than someone with psychokinetic abilities. I liked it better with the superhero slant rather than the paranormal. Overall, great job. Congratulations. Breanne

My only real issue with the whole production was the disappearing girl at the end. I didn't write it, nor did I ever intend her to be dead (or hint that she was). I think the whole pencil floating thing was mysterious enough.

However, the rest of the production was so good it's easy to overlook. It was an artistic choice by the director. I may not agree with it, but it does add a creepy ghostly conclusion to the story.

Ultimately, I couldn't be happier. Thanks for your comments.

Hey Ross,

Congrats on the production, must feel good to get one under your belt.
I never red the script before today...
And I enjoyed your clean narrative and effective dialogue.
You rocked the talking heads and kept the subtext consistent.

Onto the production...
I enjoyed how it turned out.
Very well put together and pretty much nailed the script

As to the comparison, the Red Epic wins in this case.
Though I did prefer the iPhone for the coloring book shots.

Hold you head high on this one! ;D

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Hey Ross, Congrats on the production, must feel good to get one under your belt. I never red the script before today... And I enjoyed your clean narrative and effective dialogue. You rocked the talking heads and kept the subtext consistent. Onto the production... I enjoyed how it turned out. Very well put together and pretty much nailed the script As to the comparison, the Red Epic wins in this case. Though I did prefer the iPhone for the coloring book shots. Hold you head high on this one! ;D Regards, E.D.

Thanks, Dreamer.

Hey Duncan, or Ross.  (Not sure which you prefer.)

Just the script alone I would've enjoyed, (and I'm not one to dip too much into liking supernatural stories.)  But this one was grounded enough in real life that I never lost belief in the story.  I think that stems from the strong reactions of the characters to their tragedy.  I think you handled that really well.

The film, I enjoyed even more, and I think it is because of that extra scene in the beginning.  I really liked about the radio just changing stations all of a sudden.  And then you bringing it back at the end with the therapist.  It gave a clue to her powers without giving absolutely anything away.  Great!

The effects (which is where I usually lose my suspension of belief, escpecially in short films,) were great, in my opinion.  Like I said, I never didn't believe in the story.

I agree with Breanne, I am getting a little too used to seeing that 'INT. PASSENGER'S WINDOW CAR CRASH' shot, but I definately think it worked well here.  While I think they are getting to be cliche'd in features, I don't think they're a cliche in short films.  It was a welcome surprise and effect here.

What's even better, is that I read the logline before I watched the video, so I knew the mom died, but I still didn't see it coming.  At first, I thought maybe they were her adoptive parents and her mom was the one changing the station.

Congrats here on a really really strong piece, both written and filmed.

The only bad thing I was going to say is why you had the girl fade at the end.  (That lost my suspension of belief), but then I saw it wasn't in the script and then you explained it was an added style choice by the director.  The only only fail I think in this piece.

The acting I don't think was the GREATEST, but it was still good enough it didn't take anything away from the story.

Great job, Duncan!

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Hey Duncan, or Ross.  (Not sure which you prefer.) Just the script alone I would've enjoyed, (and I'm not one to dip too much into liking supernatural stories.)  But this one was grounded enough in real life that I never lost belief in the story.  I think that stems from the strong reactions of the characters to their tragedy.  I think you handled that really well. The film, I enjoyed even more, and I think it is because of that extra scene in the beginning.  I really liked about the radio just changing stations all of a sudden.  And then you bringing it back at the end with the therapist.  It gave a clue to her powers without giving absolutely anything away.  Great! The effects (which is where I usually lose my suspension of belief, escpecially in short films,) were great, in my opinion.  Like I said, I never didn't believe in the story. I agree with Breanne, I am getting a little too used to seeing that 'INT. PASSENGER'S WINDOW CAR CRASH' shot, but I definately think it worked well here.  While I think they are getting to be cliche'd in features, I don't think they're a cliche in short films.  It was a welcome surprise and effect here. What's even better, is that I read the logline before I watched the video, so I knew the mom died, but I still didn't see it coming.  At first, I thought maybe they were her adoptive parents and her mom was the one changing the station. Congrats here on a really really strong piece, both written and filmed. The only bad thing I was going to say is why you had the girl fade at the end.  (That lost my suspension of belief), but then I saw it wasn't in the script and then you explained it was an added style choice by the director.  The only only fail I think in this piece. The acting I don't think was the GREATEST, but it was still good enough it didn't take anything away from the story. Great job, Duncan! - Mark

Thanks, Mark. My friends call me Duncan, but I go by D. Ross Kellett with my writing. Whatever you want, man.

Thanks for your comments. Yeah, the car crash scene was fun and easy to write. I completely agreed with the director when he suggested we start the film with a bang. And the radio tease we were able to include at the end. All in all, I agree they did a great job.

The effects were surprisingly good. Better than I could have hoped. The floating ring could have been directly from Lord of the Rings.

Regards,
-D

test to see my new sig. lame, i know.

Quoted from TheSecond It reads like an intro to an X-Men type character.

yup