The Executioner by Kevin Lenihan (leitskev) - Short, Gothic Horror - A young woman on the run from something terrible, guided by a friendly spirit, learns the nature of her dark heritage. 12 pages, 7 characters, PG-13 Rating - pdf, format 8)

Started out good but then got lost in some exposition. The historical accuracy and pulling on actual events was inspired and well presented but we did get bogged down in facts sometimes.
I liked the characters and the very atmospheric descriptions.
A very rich and deep story very well written for one week's work.

I enjoyed this story. Definitely something f.or you to re-write to a feature imho great work

A little wordy for me ("The silence is broken") and tons of exposition between TALL MAN, CHRISTINE and GOODY. I'm a little surprised why you just didn't call Tall Man 'The Execuctioner' (as a character slug should suggest) and I don't mind some of the history, But they could just get to the point.

The ending left me puzzled a little bit. You would think that Goody and Executioner could have informed Christine on who or what is the real danger - even in the long speeches.

Liked this overall, but it ran out of gas for me.

* Spoiler *

This one - a bit long for my tastes.  

I liked the main characters, esp. at the beginning, when they were on the train.  When it opened, was curious about what they were fleeing, and the truth behind the dreams.

I felt that the story started to run out of steam, however, shortly after they met Osgood.  

LOVE the fact there's actual history embedded in the plot, but it got too complex for my tastes (given the length of the overall script.)  Regarding the twist ending - you get the feeling from the story that Rafti and Christine have been dating a long time.  How could she have not known what he was?  If the relationship was shorter, a hint in that direction would clear that up.

That said - visual, clean writing.  Kudos on the OWC!

This script follows the literal translation of the OWC rules.
Hmmm, north of Boston, who’s from there other than me? ;)
Story doesn’t kick in until page four.
Don’t see much reason to show us the journey to the church.
Actually, the bulk of the story happens through exposition.
There’s very little activity until the end.
I like using historical reference, kudos.
However, the explaining motivations at gun point killed it for me.
Thanks for playing OWC.

Regards,
E.D.

The story is quite good.

Gothic Horror: Yes.

Theme: Yes.

Suffers from a very common error...the fact the story is told almost exclusively in dialogue...IE exposition.

Try and find ways to get across visually what the characters say to take away from the "talking heads" syndrome.

Decent effort.

Salem witches, my neck of the woods. Literally. We should sign the Executioner for the Celtics!

You missed a "dream" in a slug.

Probably a little too much information for a short.

Did the English have gold coins in the 1600s? You should look that up.

Where was the Executioner when they took his wife to the trials in Salem? Where were the kids, since they have descendants?

Any more gold buried out there? I live pretty close.

Just didn't quite work.  Hard to follow...hard to visualize.

Seemed thrown together without enough thought to backstory.

I actually threw in the towel around page 8.  Characters didn't seem real...I didn't/couldn't relate or care about anyone.

Writing is Ok...not bad at all, but the story didn't work for me.

Congrats on completing an entry for the October OWC.

So much that could be invested with this one.

In this portion of dialogue:

RAFTI
Christine--

CHRISTINE
Reverend Osgood. She put that in my
head.

If you’re in a theater and you sneeze, you’ll miss this one.

On page 3:

CHRISTINE
She will guide us. I can feel it.

I felt that they didn’t know where they were going (even though prompted by Christine’s dreams) and yet they landed conveniently in the church, which is good, but I think there needs to be some element of surprise. What I’m referring to is the fact that they entered that church for a reason: to get shelter and warmth yes, but because they were searching for Osgood. That being the case, I don’t think they would have just sat down.

What’s difficult for me is that I’m trying to discern the issues I’m having with it and make the discovery of little things that can be fixed and there’s something in what I’ve written above:

They’re on the run, they’re stressed and pumped with adrenaline and they know that Reverend Osgood’s in that church. So when they enter, I think they’ll immediately start searching. Calling.

Also, I’m thinking that you need to provide more work on Rafti’s character. He wants that treasure. That is motivating hard to pressure Christine. By drawing up a short scene focusing on “something wrong” between them, I think it would be powerful. (Rather than conceal by trickery to the audience, forshadow in truth).

Here:

>RAFTI
What were you gonna say before? When
she mentioned the tall man?

But he didn’t mention him before that.

Here:

OSGOOD
There's a local legend 'round these
parts, a tale for children, passed on from generation to generation. About a man called the Executioner. Eight feet tall and wielding a giant axe. He's somehow connected to Goody Morgan, a local woman hung as a witch.

That's the woman I NEED TO SEE. And I need to see her looking EXTRAORDINARILY LIKE Christine.

**Because of the twist at the end, the following shows Rafti out of character:

>Rafti becomes embarrassed.

RAFTI
We ran outta money, reverend. We're
kinda desperate.

I don’t think he’s the type to be embarrassed; more the type to answer Osgood’s question of “Where you staying?” with:

Rafti grabs the collection plate, holds it out like a panhandler.

RAFTI
We’re out of time and money. Thought
We’d stay here.

…and then Osgood can issue his reply regarding Dane. HOWEVER: I'm thinking Dane can be eliminated altogether. (You're a heartless woman, Sandra. Poor Dane can't get a break nohow.  ;) )

*Now a question comes to my mind. Even though Dane seems to just know that Christine is a descendent, something doesn’t feel right and mostly, I just feel that the following should be visual and not just exposition through dialogue:

DANE
Goody Morgan was declared by Cotton
Mather himself to be the queen of hell. Several of her neighbors, mostly Abbots, gave sworn testimony against her.

DANE
And on the day she hung for
witchcraft, her empty cabin somehow caught fire and burned to the ground all on its own.

*Again, would like to see that as visual.

CHRISTINE
What has this to do with me, though?

***(Why does Christine suppose that Dane has the answers. Goody led her to Osgood, not Dane. He’s some stranger. So I guess I’m saying it feels like it’s not hitched together quite right. Like something’s a bit askew. Like I mentioned above: my solution would be to eliminate Dane altogether for one thing. I don’t think he’s required.)

**And it follows:

DANE
You are her descendent. I've known
many Morgans, and you have the look about you.

CHRISTINE
But why am I in danger?

DANE
I couldn't say. But I would, however,
be careful in trusting the guidance of Mrs. Morgan.

RAFTI
Mrs.?

DANE
Why, yes. You have already met her
husband. The Executioner.

CHRISTINE
He is her HUSBAND? The Executioner?

*** Thinking about the story as a whole: For myself, I feel like the set up with them on the run was good, but somewhere here, there’s the problem because Dane has all the answers. Also, I’d like to see Goody and the Executioner in scenes at the beginning to help us establish in our minds all of the back story that’s being discussed.

You might even consider (and I just thought of this now) Having the Executioner enter the church and haul Christine away by the power of his thoughts where she finally, “feels she should follow him rather than run from him”. Show “the shift” somehow in a way that’s to your liking, but show it. Then:

Rafti chases them, (apparently to save Christine. Create “the chase” however you like, but I think it would be good to make a hard general shift in visuals where THIS is now NOT a dream. So, with that, the qualities that existed in the dream scenes, are now vastly different.

Here:

***GOODY
Before my husband came to this land,
he was in the Royal Guard. When Charles the King was sentenced to die, Thomas insisted it be by his blade.

Who’s Thomas? – I only now just learned from more study that Thomas was the executioner. I thought before that Thomas was someone else. My screw up.

I think the “who’s who” of it all can be generated at the end where the stashed treasure can be found. Also, I think this stashed treasure and some of the hard facts of Goody and Thomas need to be established at the beginning through visual and not through dialogue as I said. Feel strongly about that.

If you could possibly show a dream of that variety first, then whip us awake! Out of Christine’s POV as it were, then I think this might be a start. I think it would have to be done all very quickly and nifty-like for this one to create the speed of the train. The flashing images. As it was, the train beginning had me feeling Source Codish. With a bit more of the creep factor going on, it could be eliminated.

Really, I think so much could be done with this. Even with a short, but like DARK ESCORTt, I think it would make an even better feature.

I think this one is loaded with potential and excellent for an OWC. I really do feel like I'd love to be able to suck all of what's explicit in in dialogue and feel it inside my bones, feel it in my blood, taste it on my tongue and then, I'd love to have it take me somewhere beyond twists and plots and history. I'd like it to be served like a pumpkin pie with whipped cream, on my tongue, not from the formless memory of just a Dane or an Osgood.

This is a wonderful entry for this OWC and I think it shows how powerful participating can be because it's not just about a single story being created and whomping perfect right away; rather, it's about the subtle shifts that take place during the whole process.

I'm glad that I could muck around in this land with Goody and Thomas even though they're not quite here yet.  :)

Sandra

Hello Peter

There is no way I can compete with Sandra!! In short I thought this well written but needs a few tweaks.

Small issue - the tall figure is the executioner but his name doesn't change so I thought a different person was speaking. One to clarify.
Rafti reveal - just a bit too much. In a way I thought the story to that moment was enough if further ghost inclusion. The twist of a betrayal based on the myth, humm, not sure.

In essence the start, the journey, the mystery was good. After that it seemed to falter in terms of pace and direction and intrigue, but, could be worked up.

solid writing.

All the best.

Personally, I wanted to see the guy execute someone. Give it an edge.

Introduce him as THE EXECUTIONER rather than TALL MAN or HOODED MAN. The title gives it away anyway.

Good job,

Gary

Quoted from Dreamscale J Seemed thrown together without enough thought to backstory.

There was loads of backstory, but it's that common mistake of putting it through in dialogue.

This is a script begging to be a feature. It would be nice to see what's going on with it, but also with some new angles.

Sandra

I don't know if the parenthetical subtitle was necessary.  Whenever I read "Inspired partly by"...I get a little nervous.

Was the name Rafti inspired by a historical character?  If not, that was a weird name for the poor guy.   This had a very strange beginning, two people who haven't slept in days riding a commuter train.   I suppose I can understand why Christine couldn't sleep because of the Executioner nightmares.  But why Rafti?  The issue with expositional dialogue begins early in this script when Christine explains about her dreams and waiting for instructions.

HOODED FIGURE, TALL FIGURE...I would have just stuck with EXECUTIONER.

"A few weak candles dispute the darkness of the empty church."  That sentence read odd to me.

Halfway in and I can see the main problem with this script is that information is being handed to us either from highly informed secondary characters or through dream sequences.  So, there's not much tension building.

Dialogue like this:

OSGOOD
The trials are over, sister, but do
not think that witchcraft is welcome
in this town.

CHRISTINE
Reverend, I am no witch. I just wanna
be left alone. Can you not help me?

I had to keep reminding myself that this was taking place in the present day.  These people had a knack for speaking like they were in ye olden times.

Once again, one of the big plot points, that the Executioner is the husband of Goody Morgan, is revealed by a handy character.  Also, in the dream the Executioner says that he is Christine's grandfather.  Of course he's a distant ancestor,  so maybe he should have used the term forebear or something.

Rafti's revelation that he's a descendant of the Abbot's was just a little too much at this point.  This seemed a like a case of a writer with a big story in his or her head and they were trying to cram it all in within the alloted pages.

Missing a FADE OUT

Overall, I liked the ambition here, but I felt like I just had a story read to me instead of viscerally experiencing what was on the page.  A noble effort, but it just didn't work for me.  

Quoted from Ryan1 The issue with expositional dialogue begins early in this script when Christine explains about her dreams and waiting for instructions. Halfway in and I can see the main problem with this script is that information is being handed to us either from highly informed secondary characters or through dream sequences.  So, there's not much tension building. Once again, one of the big plot points, that the Executioner is the husband of Goody Morgan, is revealed by a handy character.  Also, in the dream the Executioner says that he is Christine's grandfather.  Of course he's a distant ancestor,  so maybe he should have used the term forebear or something. Rafti's revelation that he's a descendant of the Abbot's was just a little too much at this point.  This seemed a like a case of a writer with a big story in his or her head and they were trying to cram it all in within the alloted pages. Overall, I liked the ambition here, but I felt like I just had a story read to me instead of viscerally experiencing what was on the page.  A noble effort, but it just didn't work for me.

Ryan, you've given very good and worthwhile comments. I have a suggestion to give it a whirl with a "shift" in perspective from Christine's POV where instead of running from the Executioner, she's drawn to him. And this, I had imagined in The Church Scene which I think has loads of opportunity to spring off from and build the suspense.

Lot's of good opportunities exist with this one. It's nice and raw and lovable because of all of the imaginations that can develop from it.

Sandra













[/quote]

A very tight 12 pages... I mean this thing is so butt up and clearly re-formatted into a more favorable space saving format it's not even trying to hide its offensiveness.

But, with that said, this is one of the more focused scripts I've read so far... Yes, it wasn't easy getting to the end of the 12 page mark, but when I did I felt like it had a direction.  I don't know if I'd sit and watch an entire flick like this -- I'm not a huge, huge period piece guy -- But it's not bad as a short.  Like, for instance, if this could be on an Anthology with a few stronger stories I could dig it.

It did meet criteria for the challenge on almost all counts and that's what's important here... Other than wasting my time.  Don't waste my time if I read your script.  Rather, don't make me think I wasted my time after I've read your script.  A little winded, but worth the read.

The good thing about this OWC was/is none of these feel the same... The one I took part in, man was it a year ago already?  They all ended up blending together and although I read them all, I did get burnt out on them towards the end - which was unfair to the writer.

I'm at like script 10 now or something and none of them feel the same.  This one had a life of its own, as did the others.  

Double space your friggin Slugs!!! -- It would probably add at least one page to your story here. Sorry, since i know the author, gonna have a bit of fun here. Am serious about the double spacing though. I dont think I could get through a feature by you if it were formatted this way.

Didn't like the fact that the TALL MAN became the TALL FIGURE when he spoke. I think Ryan suggested just call him The Executioner throughout your script.

I did find this story interesting, though. The twist at the end seemed to come out of nowhere. some very insightful use of ghosts. This is definetely something that can be expanded on, if the author choses to. Its heavy on the dialogue. most is told and not shown to the audience. Overall, still gets a thumbs up from me. Good job completing an OWC...

James

When you say double space your slugs, what do you mean?

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films When you say double space your slugs, what do you mean?

I use Final Draft. The instant I type INT/EXT it double spaces for me. I'm even enough of a tool that I double space my mini slugs. KITCHEN... BATHROOM.. etc.

Adds more white to the page, but in all seriousness, it is the proper format for screenwriting long before software was available. Its just something I like to razz people about. And not an argument that holds much water. But, I like to argue...

James

I use Final Draft, but I'm not sure mine is any different to his....

Ah yes, I see what you mean now.

I use movie outline. My first few scripts, the courier font I had, when combined with double spaced slugs, led to ridiculous results. I mean, a 60 page script would become 100 pages or more. And it looked silly.

Gary sent me the Final Draft courier, and it made a huge difference. But I've still not fully committed to double spaced slugs myself. It depends on the impact on page count.

I like the idea of the bold slugs, though I don't use it since it seems to give some folks unsafe levels of stress. Seems to me that bold slugs would do what double spacing does, without adding to page count.

I like white pages. But I also know what page count makes a difference. 100 pages looks better than 110, and pro readers look at page count before they even start reading.

One word came to my mind when I read this. Potential.

A lot of exposition, and a bit long. I'm surprised a lot of these scripts are hitting the 12 page mark, when they could be done in ten or less. This seems like one of those scripts. Starts out strong, then whittles away.

The writing is excellent, this was a joy to read. Active, engaging descriptions with lots of action words that really ramped up the tone and your unique voice ("scattering", "rattles", "majestic", "silence is broken", etc). Those deliberate word choices paint a very clear, active picture. Great job!

The problem with this story is the betrayal. It feels forced, not believable, and the ending is weakened by it. This could have been a much stronger piece if it weren't for that clunky bit. Also, Christine adopting the mantle of executioner is seriously weakened by the Executioner's benevolent nature. The ending is sinister but there turned out to be nothing sinister about the spirit.

Consider having Christine turn on Rafti, convinced he's the real danger she's been warned about, but perhaps make it unclear whether he was truly dangerous or if she'd been duped by her ghosts into believing it. Outside of the OWC parameters this has more potential, I think.

Very enjoyable!
Great atmosphere, visuals and writing. The story and characters all worked and for one weeks work, this is really impressive.
I feel you nailed the theme.
One of my favorites so far.

Great job.

I really liked the mood you set in this one - good choice on the setting:)

It was pretty wordy - you could cut a lot of pages by tightening the action & dialogue up a bit.

The one thing that really stood out for me was Rafti's reveal. It pretty much came out of left field without any foreshadowing that might've hinted that he would do this. But that's an easy fix, I think.

Good job!

Some things are told that could be shown.

I suspected Rafti as soon as I found out the executioner was Goody’s husband and Rafti had the same dream about digging. I don’t know how you could have done things differently, though. It’s probably fine as it is. I think it would work okay on film.

If the executioner is Christine’s grandfather, then it doesn’t make sense to me that he’s nearly eight feet tall. His height seemed to symbolize that he was otherworldly in origin when in fact, as it turns out, he was eight feet tall as a human.

If Rafti is descended from the Abbots, then why does he have visions the same as Christine? Wouldn’t that make him a witch?

Overall, I generally liked the story. Descriptions got a little too poetic occasionally but were otherwise pretty good. Needs a little more fleshing out but, overall, I thought it was a good effort.


Breanne

Quoted from Breanne Mattson If the executioner is Christine’s grandfather, then it doesn’t make sense to me that he’s nearly eight feet tall. Breanne

It usually skips a generation or two.  ;D  My daughter's boyfriend is almost seven feet tall, but his dad is only a couple inches taller than me. Maybe five foot five.   ;D

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. It usually skips a generation or two.  ;D  My daughter's boyfriend is almost seven feet tall, but his dad is only a couple inches taller than me. Maybe five foot five.   ;D Sandra

What I meant was that his height seemed to imply supernatural origin when in fact it had nothing to do with it. He just so happened to be an eight foot person. Of course, being eight feet tall isn’t impossible for humans. It’s a pretty rare thing though so it seemed like it was tied to the supernatural. Not a big issue.


Breanne

Very well written.

Saying that its a bit tough to read at times. But ya gotta do it to get through it and I did.

I liked it, I would probably like it even better if its expanded into a feature, and I think it could be easily. Lots of back story in it.

Good job on getting it done.

The Executioner
(inspired partly by real historical characters)
Written by
Petey F

Pg.1 INT. TRAIN (time frame)
Pg. 2 EXT. WOODS - DREAM- SUNSET
Pg. 2 just 1 "she runs"
Pg. 2 no moments later implied need time frame
Page 3 She said she didn't see a woman but she put a thought in her mind?
Pg. 3 Rafi a voice style change
PG. 3 INT. CHURCH (time frame)
Pg. 3 EXT. WOODS- DREAM- SUNSET
Pg. 4 INT. CHURCH (time frame)
Pg. 4 Unsure if this is supposed to be something would make more sense.  CHRISTINE- “My life is in danger. Someone, or...someone is after me”
Pg. 6 INT. ABBOT HOUSE - MOMENTS LATE (time frame)
Pg. 6 INT. ABBOT HOUSE - KITCHEN – LATE (time frame)
Pg. 7 EXT. WOODS - DAY – DREAM needs to be EXT. WOODS- DREAM- DAY
Pg. 8 MOMENTS LATER- in-place of LATER
Pg. 9 EXT. WOODS - DREAM -DAY
Pg. 9 INT. CABIN – CONTINUOUS (time frame)
Pg. 10 EXT. WOOD – CONTINUOUS (time frame)
Pg. 12 can make a series of shots after first dialogue
Pg. 12 MOMENTS LATER: in-place of LATER

I really enjoyed this story and think it could go further and expand as I stated already in my previous response. Great work.

I am new to screenwriting so any of my suggestions and comments please hold at a novice level, good work and thanks.

Had some very good moments but really stalled there at the end.  For most of the story I was thinking of how generic of a character Rafti is.  Then when the twist came it was just like whatever.  He didn't have a strong presence to begin with so the twist didn't really work for me.  The other thing is the explanations of Goody and the Executioner - keep it short and sweet.  I think they spoke way too much and it kind of ruined the pretty good mood you established throughout the story.  

Wordy here and there, dialogue in some parts could be retooled, and again - the twist didn't work for me.  Either Rafti needs to be better developed or something else needs to happen.  

I did like this, though.  I think it's a solid effort.

Nice job.

Greg

I liked this one, but I felt I was being told this story rather than shown. You do have some things going on in the script, but it seemed a lot of it was just talking in different places. Does that make sense? We start out at the train with a little talking. We move to another locale and then we are told things again and then on to yet a different locale where we are being told some more. The story is very good, but if you could figure out how to show us this tale instead of telling us it would work better as a screenplay. At least IMHO.

Good work. One of the better ones.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I liked this one, but I felt I was being told this story rather than shown. You do have some things going on in the script, but it seemed a lot of it was just talking in different places. Does that make sense? We start out at the train with a little talking. We move to another locale and then we are told things again and then on to yet a different locale where we are being told some more. The story is very good, but if you could figure out how to show us this tale instead of telling us it would work better as a screenplay. At least IMHO. Good work. One of the better ones.

Completely in line with what I've been saying all along.

All in all, this to me is a feature in progress. It's so very rich in back story, one just can't fit it into twelve pages without using dialogue for exposition...

Unless you use some kind of new nano technology.  ;D

Sandra

Locations & Sets  -   EXT commuter train through autumn forest, INT commuter train, EXT sunset forest and hill, rustic cabin, train stop platform, EXT New England square, EXT & INT white church, EXT stone chimney, EXT & INT colonial house with furnishings, EXT forest creek
Actors  -  RAFTI (20s), CHRISTINE (20s),  OLD LADY (70s), TEENAGER (15), TALL FIGURE, REVEREND OSGOOD (40s), REVEREND DANE (70s), GOODY (40)
Costumes  -  dark robe of tall figure, reverend's outfit, Goddy's colonial clothing
Props  -  long medieval axe, ABBOTSVILLE signs at train stop, antique wheelchair, wood stove, tea kettle (I'm not going to ask how a old man in a wheelchair makes tea from a kettle), tea service, shovel, cabin door suitable for kicking in, derringer
Audio FX  -  dogs barking, distant rolling thunder, wind, door bang, distant thunder crack, squeaky wheel, distant horn, banging at door, crow caw, shovel cracking against head
Visual FX  -  sunset w/ glare behind TALL FIGURE, smoke from cabin chimney, lightning cracks in distance, executioner at sunset
Other -  going to need a great fire to make charred timbers, drywall/painting extensions, big fan to blow in church doors which will likely need to be re-hinged to do so (fire code), dig a hole (suggest renting backhoe or make it shallow)
Comments  -  To catch all this fall foliage the cast & crew are going to have to wait until autumn 2012. Nice enough story. As is, the number of locations required for this short are budget busters, though. With some small rework this could be wrangled into something less expensive.

Overall, I liked this story. There were a few repetitive descriptions and as mentioned, a lot of telling not showing.

I was almost sure my Page Down button was broke when I tried to progress past Christine's last line of dialogue. Needs to have a properly formatted ending as well as the spacing issue.

Other than that, solid effort.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

John

So for this one I could have guessed the author if I had to, as it is riddled with clues as to its origin.  For those who are paying attention, anyway.

It is a nice, twisty tale, some of which I did not see coming, but it is ultimately hamstrung a bit by its reliance on exposition.  And this is probably a function of the page limitations, as we must rely upon the characters to give us information that would be better served with flashbacks or other narrative means.

It reads quite smoothly, and it was only once I had reached the end that questions emerged.  And those questions begin on the train, where Christine and Rafti are terrified that the tall, dark man might also be on the train.

We never see any evidence of this menacing figure outside of Christine's dream world, so in retrospect, it makes no sense that he might suddenly appear on the train.  Not a huge flaw, but the logic of the story suffers a bit in that opening scene.

Now, if this figure DID start to appear while Christine was awake -- as they near the conclusion of their journey -- that might add another nice dimension to this story, and I will toss that out for your consideration.  This will also make a bit more sense in light of how your story concludes, when the Executioner does appear -- somewhat inexplicably.

When they reach Osgood, I am not sure why you make him so evasive at the start when he really has no apparent motivation to give these kids the runaround.  I do think Dane is a good character, but you should take him even farther, maybe deformed somehow, and with an oxygen tank or something.  Anyway, I just think this guy should be really creepy for some reason.

Dane's exposition is a bit dry.  Maybe give him a book with some drawings -- something visual to help him with his tale, help break up the talking heads, and maybe even help to introduce a family resemblance.

And after this discussion, it seems that Rafti breaks things up a little too abruptly.  Perhaps it would be smoother if Dane were to suggest that Christine try to sleep -- in the safety of the Abbot House -- in an attempt to learn more.

Why does Christine suddenly have a shovel?  It seems that her obtaining this item should comprise at least a small part of her dream.

Now, for the final twist with Rafti -- once he has the gold, I do not understand why he wakes Christine up in the first place.  She is asleep, and helpless.  And I think Goody and the Executioner should be aware of this danger while Christine is with them in her dream.  Ratchet up the tension a bit.

The conclusion can still play out approximately the same, but with the Executioner (and Goody?) somehow responsible for Christine's awakening instead of Rafti.  I am not exactly sure how all of that would work, but just putting it out there for consideration.

So, while this is engaging and it works as it stands, sometimes a short needs to be longer.  A good deal of the backstory here is compelling, but less so when delivered in the form of a dialogue-driven data-dump.  I would not say there is a feature here, but you have good twists that deserve better, and 12 pages does not seem adequate to contain this story.

Quoted from bert So It is a nice, twisty tale, some of which I did not see coming, but it is ultimately hamstrung a bit by its reliance on exposition.

Perhaps I could have used a donation of expository for mine.  :K)

This script is purely too big for itself. I don't think that the writer should worry or trouble themselves into making it fit the page limitations of this challenge. He has bigger fish to fry. W.O.A.:

Move on my benefactor, move on my darling Kevin. Move on move on...   :K)

Sandra

At this point, there's really not much I can say that hasn't already been said. There was a lot of information presented in a very short amount of time, and it would definitely have worked better as a longer piece.

At times, I was completely taken aback by the dialogue. It seemed really stiff and almost archaic in bits (and I'm referencing the present day characters, mind!) then would occasionally feature something like, "gonna" " 'bout" and the like. Very odd. I'd say that could be retooled.

I was also disappointed that there was so little known about the MAIN CHARACTERS. You do eventually come to discover that Christine is a Morgan, that Rafti is an Abbot...and you know that they came from Chicago. And, of course, you know Christine's dreams.

Unfortunately, this disconnect really doesn't make me care too much about the characters in general, although I definitely care far more about Christine than Rafti. Perhaps if more had been revealed about them? I'm not too sure what felt lacking here, it just felt incomplete. And the Abbot relation felt tacked on.

I'd also say this, as a piece of advice that I think would work better if you were intent on keeping both Reverends:

Either switch the Priest she's looking for in her dreams (e.g. She's looking for Dane, but first sees Osgood - or perhaps Osgood is the one in the wheelchair and Dane ultimately leads her to him) or scrap one of them. It's kind of cluttered and weird...and it seems like Dane was there solely for exposition and had nothing believable or otherwise interesting about him, aside from his age and being in a wheelchair. That also felt kind of tacked on. I'd like to see that explored a little more fully if this screenplay were to be expanded.

Overall, it's pretty good. Held my attention for the most part, but it definitely contained way more information than 12 pages of screenplay should hold.

I liked this story.  Recalling the Salem witch trials was nice.  Unfortunately, it seemed to lack gothic atmosphere.  I didn't get the feeling of dread and despair that this genre relies on.

Some of the dialog was on-the-nose.  Dane, explaining the witchcraft trials in great detail.  Goody explaining the Executioner's origin.  Feeding us information like this isn't good storytelling.


Phil

Although this needs a rewrite as most OWC do to tweak it and make it more visual, I think it is my favorite so far.

I think it was quite odd that he had the same dream about her digging a hole, especially since he was an Abbot whose relatives killed supposed witches. Wouldn't that be a sign of witchery? As soon as he said he had the same dream of her digging a hole, I was like, huh? It seemed out of place.

I did like the story. Like I said earlier, it is my favorite of those I have read so far.  ;D

Cindy

This was pretty good, shaped up well but the exposition in the twists let it down.
The concept of being chased in your dreams by a hooded man in black was a little too generic for my tastes.

Just a few things that came to mind.
They seem to have a genuine fear of the hooded man appearing in the real world,  at this point was there any reason for them to believe that this was anything more than a dream, or was it implied that they had already seen him?

Rafti can also see the dreams?  Feels like this should have been a bigger plot point.

I'm not sure you needed both priests, they both seemed fairly interchangeable.  Also the dream tells them to seek Osgood when it was Dane that really held all the answers.

Pretty minor points really ~ Overall an entertaining read.

I liked it. I can see room for expansion on the story. I agree with others that the 2 reverends seemed to throw it off. Dane could have had more to this. I also did not care for the last line of dialog. It wasn't needed. Great story though. Lots of potential. My favorite so far.

I didn't see the ending coming, so good point on this. the script was well written in my opinion. I like the "betrayal" part in your script, how the guy she likes betrays her.
The beginning of the script was not my cup of tea. I didn't really feel it.
The thought the executioner was the bad guy, and I like when the ending surprises me. overall I liked it. Good job.

excellent writing. excellent story. excellent entry.

however i couldn't quite get into it. i mainly had a hard time relating to the main characters. like others have mentioned, this one should be expanded. the dialogue was a bit long but that was okay by me. then again, you were limited to 12 pages. not a huge fan of dream sequences, but you made it work.

i definitely want to read the expanded version if and when you decide to rewrite it.

Hmm.  Boston...  History...  I won't say whose name pops into my head when I hear those two words.

I happened to come across an article in Time Magazine about a person who used to give death row inmates their injections, and it reminded me of an OWC title that almost made my Top 5 list.  Of course, I'm talking about The Executioner.  So, I figured I'd check this one out next.  (Wow, reading Time Magazine makes me sound very intelligent.  For the record, I was in a doctor's office and the only other reading choice was Redbook.)

I really liked this one a lot.  There was definately drive and suspense behind the story.

It does get kind of weak in the end, especially with the surprise about Rafti, but it didn't really ruin my enjoyment of the story leading up to that, though.  Like I said, there was some great suspense.

A little bit of the dialogue was too on the nose, and I'm not just talking about the expository dialogue, (probably the only way to get this story across in 12 pages).  I'm talking about in the beginning, too.  Some of the dialogue in the opening scene seemed a bit stale or wooden.  Just didn't come off as natural.

But like I said, the story had me gripped through and through and I was burning the pages to find out what was going on.  A great set-up for a story.

- Mark  

Thanks for reading! I expected some would really like this and some would really hate it. Very useful reviews, so again, thanks.

For anyone interested, I'd like to explain this story and then explain some of the real history that inspired it.

the story:

Some big questions that came up in reviews; who was chasing them on the train? Why did Rafti have the dream of digging? Why did Martha lead them to Osgood? Finally, and unbelievably, how is this Gothic?

Rafti is a descendant of the Abbotts, one of the founding families of the colonial town, and a family that helped destroy Martha by accusing her of being a witch, and thereby taking her land. Rafti discovers, while researching his own family history, that Thomas, the Executioner, had buried several bags of gold, done so at the instruction of his dead wife. The purpose was to help their descendants when they are in grave danger. When the descendant comes into danger, they are contacted by the ghosts of Thomas and Martha and guided to the gold.

So Rafti hatched a scheme. If he could find a descendant, attach himself to her, and at the same time convince her she was in danger, the dreams would be triggered. Also, the fact he intended to kill her triggered the dreams. The dreams were further enhanced by Rafti’s doing things to convince her someone was after her. So there was no one chasing Christine, but the combination of the dreams and Rafti’s manipulation convinced her there was.

The ghost of Martha does her best to lead them to the gold. To Boston, then Abbottsville, then Osgood, who leads them to Dane. Rafti wants Christine to sleep, get more instructions. And when she wakes, he pretends he has had the dream of digging in order to encourage her. He knows about that dream from his research. This was a clumsy foreshadowing attempt on my part.

Why does Rafti wake her from the dream when he finds the gold? He has a gun, so killing her will be easy. He wants her to know that once again the Abbotts have destroyed the Morgans.  

Oh, the gold. Thomas was a loyal man of the king, Charles I. When Charles was sentenced to die by Parliament, Charles wanted a trusted man to do the work, to make sure the cut was clean. He rewarded Thomas a kings ransom for this unfavorable task.

Too complicated? Too expository? Yeah, sorry. I tend to do that sometimes.

Gothic? Come on. We got a damsel in distress, a colonial church, a colonial house, and haunted woods. Most important, we have powerful connections to past ancestors and inherited sins, all huge parts of Gothic myth and tone.

The real history this was based on:

There is a house up the street from where I now live, in Andover, Ma., called the Abbott House, built in 1685 by Benjamin Abbott. The house was called the witch house for centuries, though the connection, it would seem, is indirect.

The Salem with scare begin in 1692 in Salems Village, now the town of Danvers(broke off from Salem later). Andover at the time shared a boundary. The two girls that started the scare were brought to Andover to look for witches, and Martha Carrier became one of the accused. Martha was married to Thomas Morgan Carrier, who was said at the time to be the executioner of Charles I. He was an interesting character himself. He was 7’4 and lived to be 109 years old, and was youthful and vigorous up until he died. He has many descendants today.

When Martha was accused of being a witch, one of the accusers was Benjamin Abbot. Apparently Martha and Thomas had a home somewhere near Benjamin’s new house, though it’s unknown where now. There was a property dispute that had to be settled by the town, and there are records of this. The town, which was stock full of Abbotts, sided with Benjamin, not surprisingly. Martha supposedly put a curse on Benjamin as a result, and Benjamin became ill. This became his testimony.

The land I now live on could very well be her land. If not, it’s certainly within a mile.

It’s also possible that the Benjamin Abbott house was in fact built by the Carriers. At the time, when someone was convicted of witchcraft, the accusers were awarded with their land. Nice system, huh? So for a long time it was thought the Abbott house was built by Thomas and Martha. Current thinking is that it was not, but there’s no way to know.

Martha was called the Queen of Hell by Cotton Mather at the trial. She was one of the few to never confess, and maintained her innocence right up until they hung her. A neighbor, however, testified that she had ridden on a broomstick with Martha in the night. Yes, look it up.

The Abbott house stayed in the hands of the Abbotts for 10 generations. Somewhere along the way, one of the Abbotts actually married a Carrier, uniting the families.

Thomas moved to Connecticut with the kids after the trials. His remains and his immediate family’s were found in a secret cemetery in the 20th century when a highway was constructed across what was still their land. The graves were relocated.

Martha was buried with several men who were hung with her as witches, all thrown in a common grave, dug so shallow that body parts showed above the surface.

Hope someone enjoyed this little history tale. I started reading about this stuff the day the OWC began. Once I did, I knew I had to get them in a story somehow. The number of details combined with the unique parameters of this OWC almost made a complicated story inevitable. For those that stuck with it to the end, thanks!

Quoted from leitskev Thanks for reading! I expected some would really like this and some would really hate it. Very useful reviews, so again, thanks. For anyone interested, I'd like to explain this story and then explain some of the real history that inspired it. the story: Some big questions that came up in reviews; who was chasing them on the train? Why did Rafti have the dream of digging? Why did Martha lead them to Osgood? Finally, and unbelievably, how is this Gothic? Rafti is a descendant of the Abbotts, one of the founding families of the colonial town, and a family that helped destroy Martha by accusing her of being a witch, and thereby taking her land. Rafti discovers, while researching his own family history, that Thomas, the Executioner, had buried several bags of gold, done so at the instruction of his dead wife. The purpose was to help their descendants when they are in grave danger. When the descendant comes into danger, they are contacted by the ghosts of Thomas and Martha and guided to the gold. So Rafti hatched a scheme. If he could find a descendant, attach himself to her, and at the same time convince her she was in danger, the dreams would be triggered. Also, the fact he intended to kill her triggered the dreams. The dreams were further enhanced by Rafti’s doing things to convince her someone was after her. So there was no one chasing Christine, but the combination of the dreams and Rafti’s manipulation convinced her there was. The ghost of Martha does her best to lead them to the gold. To Boston, then Abbottsville, then Osgood, who leads them to Dane. Rafti wants Christine to sleep, get more instructions. And when she wakes, he pretends he has had the dream of digging in order to encourage her. He knows about that dream from his research. This was a clumsy foreshadowing attempt on my part. Why does Rafti wake her from the dream when he finds the gold? He has a gun, so killing her will be easy. He wants her to know that once again the Abbotts have destroyed the Morgans.   Oh, the gold. Thomas was a loyal man of the king, Charles I. When Charles was sentenced to die by Parliament, Charles wanted a trusted man to do the work, to make sure the cut was clean. He rewarded Thomas a kings ransom for this unfavorable task. Too complicated? Too expository? Yeah, sorry. I tend to do that sometimes. Gothic? Come on. We got a damsel in distress, a colonial church, a colonial house, and haunted woods. Most important, we have powerful connections to past ancestors and inherited sins, all huge parts of Gothic myth and tone. The real history this was based on: There is a house up the street from where I now live, in Andover, Ma., called the Abbott House, built in 1685 by Benjamin Abbott. The house was called the witch house for centuries, though the connection, it would seem, is indirect. The Salem with scare begin in 1692 in Salems Village, now the town of Danvers(broke off from Salem later). Andover at the time shared a boundary. The two girls that started the scare were brought to Andover to look for witches, and Martha Carrier became one of the accused. Martha was married to Thomas Morgan Carrier, who was said at the time to be the executioner of Charles I. He was an interesting character himself. He was 7’4 and lived to be 109 years old, and was youthful and vigorous up until he died. He has many descendants today. When Martha was accused of being a witch, one of the accusers was Benjamin Abbot. Apparently Martha and Thomas had a home somewhere near Benjamin’s new house, though it’s unknown where now. There was a property dispute that had to be settled by the town, and there are records of this. The town, which was stock full of Abbotts, sided with Benjamin, not surprisingly. Martha supposedly put a curse on Benjamin as a result, and Benjamin became ill. This became his testimony. The land I now live on could very well be her land. If not, it’s certainly within a mile. It’s also possible that the Benjamin Abbott house was in fact built by the Carriers. At the time, when someone was convicted of witchcraft, the accusers were awarded with their land. Nice system, huh? So for a long time it was thought the Abbott house was built by Thomas and Martha. Current thinking is that it was not, but there’s no way to know. Martha was called the Queen of Hell by Cotton Mather at the trial. She was one of the few to never confess, and maintained her innocence right up until they hung her. A neighbor, however, testified that she had ridden on a broomstick with Martha in the night. Yes, look it up. The Abbott house stayed in the hands of the Abbotts for 10 generations. Somewhere along the way, one of the Abbotts actually married a Carrier, uniting the families. Thomas moved to Connecticut with the kids after the trials. His remains and his immediate family’s were found in a secret cemetery in the 20th century when a highway was constructed across what was still their land. The graves were relocated. Martha was buried with several men who were hung with her as witches, all thrown in a common grave, dug so shallow that body parts showed above the surface. Hope someone enjoyed this little history tale. I started reading about this stuff the day the OWC began. Once I did, I knew I had to get them in a story somehow. The number of details combined with the unique parameters of this OWC almost made a complicated story inevitable. For those that stuck with it to the end, thanks!

Wow, Kevin you are so much of a better person than me!!!!!

I seriously had thought about explaining a lot in my script, but for me, my best critic, my husband, knew exactly what it was about and I'll tell you: That man loves his movies; so if it passes well with him (and I actually did several rewrites after the initial pass) then that's a good sign because he never gives any false praise. The way it stands, I will only allow people to determine their own interpretations of P.F. I may expand it to a feature with some help, but I'm not going to re-write it as an OWC piece. It is what it is. A helluva lot of work went into it and I'm just pleased with the opportunity to work like crazy. Working like crazy is the work I like best!!!  ;D

Kevin, I've taken some good hard looks at The Executioner and again I say:

It's way more than a short OWC It's loaded with history and character that you just can't possibly put inside of a twelve pager!

Your destiny is to write features. Your destiny is to play with history. Your destiny is the passion that runs through your veins and as Michael and Pia would tell you:

That's Gothic! (To me!!!!)  ;D

The Executioner didn't fail in this challenge. It was only wetting its mouth.  :K)

Sandra

Thanks, Sandra. I think Bert had it right: more than a short, less than a feature. I guess that puts it in no man's land!

Could more stuff be added to make it feature worthy? Perhaps. Maybe some day. I have too many things lined up to work on at the moment to worry about it. I guess I'm just not good at shorts(not saying I'm good at features). I come up with stories that are too complicated for a short.

It's a tough challenge to have a complicated story and not have it be expository. I guess in a feature you can spread things out a little more.

I do think with some tweaking of the dialogue, this is an easy to film short. Ray's analysis had this being a budget buster, and I'm not sure why, but then I don't know much about filming. The locations are pretty easy: a train, a town square, a church, an old house, some woods. None of those seem very difficult or expensive to me.

I don't think it would feel as expository in film. For example, the church scene would have a certain amount of threat and tension built in, with someone presumably chasing them, and Osgood locking the door and blowing out the candle. Dane is expository, but actually a brief scene. Most of the film time would be in the dream sequences, which would really break up the brief expository exchanges.

I do think if I rewrite this, one change would be to have the Executioner say very little. He should be more quiet. A few of his lines will go to his wife.

BTW, the little river up the road from me is mentioned several times in the Salem witch trial records as being where the devil took people to baptize them into his service. So Satan hangs out in my neck of the woods!

Quoted from leitskev I do think if I rewrite this, one change would be to have the Executioner say very little. He should be more quiet. A few of his lines will go to his wife. BTW, the little river up the road from me is mentioned several times in the Salem witch trial records as being where the devil took people to baptize them into his service. So Satan hangs out in my neck of the woods!

Re: The Executioner having few lines...

Excellent idea!!! And really:

Isn't it usually The Wife who does all of the talking?!!  ;D ;D ;D

Re: Satan and His agenda:

You know me. I believe that Sataaan is really working to benefit everyone. The obstacles we face only help us to grow.  :K)

G-d bless you Kevin and I hope the big "S" is in your corner!!! We surely don't need to have to deal with all that Hell and shite.  :-/ ;D

Sandra

You would have like the real Martha, Sandra. She always told it the way it was, which is why the neighbors disliked her. She didn't take it from anyone. And when they put her on trial, she didn't back down from anyone. She's the only one they hung who never tried to get off by confessing. I hope I did her character justice with my portrayal here.

Massachusetts hasn't changed. Back then, the Puritans thought they knew it all, went after you if you didn't play ball. It was their version of political correctness. Today, the Puritans drive Prius's with bumper stickers about global warming and Hugo Chavez. Fortunately they can't hang those that disagree like in the good old days. Not yet, anyway.

Quoted from leitskev You would have like the real Martha, Sandra. She always told it the way it was, which is why the neighbors disliked her. She didn't take it from anyone. And when they put her on trial, she didn't back down from anyone. She's the only one they hung who never tried to get off by confessing. I hope I did her character justice with my portrayal here. Massachusetts hasn't changed. Back then, the Puritans thought they knew it all, went after you if you didn't play ball. It was their version of political correctness. Today, the Puritans drive Prius's with bumper stickers about global warming and Hugo Chavez. Fortunately they can't hang those that disagree like in the good old days. Not yet, anyway.

Holy crap do I love Martha!!!

It's to her credit that she doesn't "confess"!!! What the hell's to confess anyways??!!!

That a person's born naked and half blind and people slap your ass and tell you you're not a Christian?!!!

Stellar, Kevin!!!

Sandra