All That Remains by Breanne Mattson - Short, Gothic Horror -  A woman hires a team of ghost hunters to contact her sister’s spirit and solve her murder. 12 pages, 5 characters, PG Rating - pdf, format 8)

I get a "not found error" page here.

Gabe

I enjoyed this, the first half better than the second -- but there's a good story in here that could be expanded into a feature, for sure.  The whole backstory about finding souveniers deserves to be written.   Good work, especially for a OWC.

Clean writing - I like this one on that level.  And I found the characters more entertaining than the shorts I've read so far.  So kudos.  :))

Unfortunately, the story itself didn't work for me (as it's currently written) for a few reasons.

* Why was Tim so snarky and cynical?  He's the one who volunteered to go on the hunt with the rest of the crew

* Emma as a ghost - she was there from the beginning of the story.  Usually, ghosts are relatively ethereal things - so my gut reaction is that having her around from the beginning just doesn't work.  She's interacted with the rest of the characters way too much for her being a ghost to be believable.

* Why would Emma/Erin think that a seance would bring forth the killer?  As far as she knows, the killer's halfway around the world by now, and would have no way to know that they were bringing in ghost hunters anyway.

All that said, if the story were reworked...a tale about a man who kills a woman who finds his treasure...  That's got potential.  Would be interesting to see what you do with it.  :)

This has potential, the characters were varied and enjoyable.  The "twist" didn't work for me for the reasons above - I felt a little cheated as I beleive twists should have clues and subtle foreshadowing so that the observant reader has a chance of figuring it out.
Solid writing and good idea.

This one feels like a refurb from last year’s open OWC.
Right down to the guy in the wheelchair and coastal setting.
Add a character and remove the storm, then presto.
Apologies if I’m wrong. It’s a gut instinct.
I think it’s endemic of the literal interpretation of the theme.
The ghostly happenings read pretty hokey, trances, etc.
This feels more like teen murder mystery than a gothic tale.
We’ve also got another misunderstood ghost in the mix.
Thanks for playing OWC.

Regards,
E.D.

Hello Beryl

I liked this and thought it was well written with a nice pace of reveal that changes the readers expectations as it progressed.

However, I share the disappointment in the ending.

The speech from Hicks about seemed a bit too exposed for me, like the reveal in a murder mystery when the killer thinks they will get away with it. Yet, it wouldn't take much to change this.

Solid writing.

I enjoyed this quite a lot up until the finale - it was being well built up but I felt it was a let down.  Just raised too many questions and felt it contradicted the tone of the first half.  
A ghost being, or pretending, to be a ghost hunter is a good idea but it just didn't work for me, the ending lowered the bar.

I did enjoy the set up and premise, nice setting too. Misunderstood ghost? Possibly. Gothic...umm, unsure.

Good writing, enjoyable read.
Nice job,

This was okay, but didn't feel Gothic at all, except maybe for the cliffside setting.  No real surprises, including the identity of the killer.  That was way too obvious.  This is one of those stories that would probably work better without the rule of the "good ghost" showing up at the end.    

The good news - I read the entire thing because the writing wasn't bad at all.

The bad news - Reads like a Scooby Doo cartoon.  The reveal of Hicks being the killer was so far from a surprise.  Dialogue was quite painful.  No Gothic Horror, IMO.

Sorry, but the story here was pretty weak.

This is well written although it does feel very canned to me.

The gothic theme doesn't feel evident, only that it's kind of like a teenage murder  mystery ghost story.

I think that Erin/Emma needs to have some kind of small foreshadowing that she is indeed a ghost. Something that the audience can remember as shown so as not to feel that they were deliberately lied to for the sake of plot.

As to the title, I don't think it's anything memorable as in the likes of Our Lady of Eternal Suffering. That one really tied the script with the title.

So yes, yours was definitely a good script. I think it just misses the mark though when compared to a few others that I've read so far in this challenge. High mark for your intro with the mood. I saw myself as being over in Newfoundland or something. Really good job with that.  :)

Sandra

Great opening, you set up the scene and the tone remarkably well.

Overall this is quite good. You have the elements of a great story here, but it's too ambitious for the page limit of the OWC. It deserves to be double the length or could be a feature with more characterization and set-up. Currently it's too quick and convenient.

I hope you develop it further.

SPOILER SPACE
SPOILER SPACE

A ghost hires a team of ghost hunters to help find her killer by faking a diary in hopes of luring him out in the open?  Sounds like a Scooby Doo cartoon to me.  

This story didn't really do it for me.  It wasn't gothic, IMHO.  It was just dramatic.  Too many things were going on to set a proper mood.

A big mistake in your opening description (pet peeve!):

Quoted Text A short distance down a winding path sits the old light keeper’s house, now a bed and breakfast with a burgundy roof and picket fence.

How do we know that this use to be the light keeper's house?  And that it's not a B&B?  You shouldn't tell us these things; you should show us.  A large sign in front of the property, saying Lighthouse Keepers Bed and Breakfast would do.


Phil

Well written, but a bit meh:( I dunno about everyone else, but I knew Hicks was the killer when she told him about the diary, so the twist wasn't much of a twist.

Still, it has potential. Good job on submitting a nice effort:)

I had to reread the opening because I got confused with who was who.  After that I finally figured everything out and thought this was clever.  

I think the fake diary kind of defeats the purpose of the twist because Hicks winds up killing Erin anyway.  So it's, like, what's the point?  

Joan, I think, can be removed altogether.  I didn't feel her character did much and Tim was just awkward all around.  Those two brought the story down IMO.  

But this was pretty good.  Interesting idea and I liked the twist.  Good job.

Greg

Locations & Sets  -   Ocean bluffs with working lighthouse and nearby B&B-type house, close EXT of B&B, B&B (furnished house) kitchen, dining room, Erin's bedroom, stair well,
Actors -  ERIN (20s), JOAN (30s), TIM (30s), MITCHELL (30s), HICKS (40)
Costumes  -  Erin recluse attire, Joan frump attire, Tim sleaze attire, Mitchell academic attire, Hicks old jock work attire,
Props  -  wheelchair, glasses, stacks of bottled water cases, general food provisions in cabinets, nautical do-dad house decorations, cassette recorder w/ mic, Erin's overnight case (probably some background luggage stuff, too), gloves, tape & diary, duct tape, Hicks' knife
Audio FX  -  wind rattling the window
Visual FX  -  slicing Erin's throat + blood, knife swing through Emma ghost, knife to gut effect.
Other -  van with wheelchair lift, pick up truck, Emily rising from the floor = wire work?
Comments -  Pg 6: "I think she's dead" "Sit her up" "I'm okay". LOL! Turn off your program's dialog (CONT'D) feature. "Treasure of the Devil’s Eel" needs to be set up much earlier. Page 11 just got all waaay too confusing about the no twin sister stuff. Dialog gets a wee expositional. And with the physical violence in this I'm gonna kick this up to PG-13

Good things here, and a few that were tough sells. First the good: I loved the character intro's. That's how it's done! Great example for others.

I liked the initial twist, where the diary was a fake and a plant to draw out the killer. Great idea.

I was mildly troubled by the predictability of Hicks being the killer. I can live with it, but it would be nice if the killer wasn't just another version of "the butler did it".

Having Erin be a ghost all along, I don't know about that. That makes her more undead than ghost. She can plant diaries, join ghost hunter teams, and so on. Maybe it would be better to have Erin be just someone possessed by the ghost of Emma.

Very well written, a nice attempt at catching the audience off guard.

Hey everyone,

Thanks for reading and commenting.

A lot of the issues brought up were addressed in the original script, like Tim’s attitude. It was 18 pages and growing. I had to cut it down to 12. It lost a little in the process but something had to go.

I don’t agree with all the criticism but I’m not going to defend against any of it, except to make a few comments:

I don’t really mind if it doesn’t meet someone else’s idea of Gothic Horror. It meets mine. And it’s something that would be relatively easy to produce.

As far as people knowing who the killer was, I think writers have to be careful about taking those kinds of comments too seriously. It’s too easy to say that after you’ve read it. If any of the other characters had been the killer, I feel certain that some readers would still have said they knew right away.

As far as foreshadowing the end, I think I did. I think it’s a no-win situation for a writer. If it’s too obvious, people say it’s too obvious. If not, people say it isn’t foreshadowed enough. There are definitely clues I think people would see if they reread it.

Regarding the ghost being too human, all I can say is that I don’t believe in ghosts so I don’t see how there can be any particular way to portray them. Ghosts appearing as the living is not new. It goes back at least to the days of pulp fiction (the novels, not the Tarantino flick). The concept has been used in The Twilight Zone and numerous other places. A more modern example would be The Sixth Sense. I felt like it was fair play.

All that said, there’s no question that it needs work and I think there were some great comments and a lot of valuable input. And I really appreciate it.

Thank you all and I’ll work on it. :)


Breanne

Ah Breanne, this was yours? Frick and double frick. It really deserved more than it got in the attention department. Seriously.

You know what? I guess it's just due to the fact that in the OWC there's a whole lot of scripts to keep track of. But you know, I remember Hicks coming along and jangling those keys.  :)

Truly, the weakest point of this script (to me) is the title. And there were a lot in this OWC I'd say the same.

But yes, I want to say that after all is said and done, this one is very deserving, but it scooted on by me. The Emma/Erin connection wasn't clear enough for me, but that's just me being stupid.

As a story, this one gets high marks. It does need to be more gothic in my estimation. We've recently discussed this again: What defines gothic? Everything evolves and that's the nature of time; so I guess it's very subjective, but for me:

Gothic includes passion to such a degree that it leaves one ultimately, empty.

And that "emptiness" resounds within the environment of a gothic piece, whatever that environment may be-- not concrete physical, but implicit and unwieldy (because of its sublimity) in a virtual fashion.  

I really do want to send you out props for this and I feel bad that this one escaped people.

Sandra

Sandra,

Thank you, that’s very kind of you to say. It’s really interesting to see what people do when the authors are unknown. I’m actually thankful for the opportunity to see if anyone would pay any attention to it when they didn’t know who wrote it.

I agree with you that the title isn’t great. The original title wasn’t any better. I kind of like it in a weird way, though.


Breanne

There were only 4 I did not read, and I'm not sure how this slipped off my radar. The opening writing is very strong, so it was not like I opened it and stopped reading. The log seems fine. So I guess it could be the title, or just the low number of views. Sometimes a script needs some early momentum in views to get going.

In my first OWC, last Feb, I had a title that did not draw for horror(Scottish Lullaby), so I languished in the cellar for a few days. It turned around in the end because I got some good reviews which drew more readers, but the title was a real handicap.

Breanne, it's not that your writing tipped us off to Hicks being the killer. It's more that kind of guy is always the killer. A van full of investigators, and one strange guy that we see briefly, who then disappears. That guy is always the killer. I found myself hoping that Erin would be the killer. I read this after the reveal, so I knew you would have twists as a veteran writer, I thought maybe that would be it. Turns out the twists came in other areas.

I loved it when the blank diary was revealed, and the fact that Erin set it up. That's a really good idea.

Someone brought up the wheelchair issue. I can tell you, I had a guy in a wheelchair in mine, and at the time of last October's OWC, I had never heard of Simplyscripts, had never read a script, and had never attempted to write one. I guess the challenge involved a wheelchair. Your handicapped character was fine, and his personality was linked to his handicap.

Sorry I didn't review this before the OWC was over. It wasn't the only good one I missed, and Last Stop I didn't get to til the end.

A Fresnel lens?  Really?

Had I looked at this script prior to the reveal, my choice of potential authors would have been drastically reduced by the third sentence alone.

A nice set of characters are introduced efficiently and effectively.  Those that rail against the use of asides would be well advised to review how it is done most appropriately here.

I was mostly enjoying this tale in a generic sort of way -- but then perked up around the bottom of page 9, where you took things to a different and unforeseen level.  Well done.

The exposition from Hicks was a bit of a groaner, but I get what you were going for, and some of your twisty stuff near the end pulls the story back up.

Once Mitchell reveals the truth about Emma's sister, I am not sure why there is anything more to be said, and I think the exchange between Hicks and Erin may diminish the intensity of the moment.

You might also consider (perhaps) concealing the identity of Emma's sister in the diary itself -- that single sentence you give Mitchell buried within the otherwise empty pages -- for Hicks to discover on his own.

Just some thoughts.  This read easily, and on the whole, the tale you told here was amongst my favorites.  The anonymity worked against you this time -- and I will bet a good fraction checked out right after your Fresnel lens...

Well written work.

The story had more of a Ghost story vibe than a Gothic one, at least to me, but thats subjective of course.

I liked the end, I actually thought several things were going to happen, and what actually did happen I didnt expect, very good.

Well done!

Bert, Hugh, thank you for reading. Bert, I’m going to respond to some of your comments and one from Kevin earlier.

Quoted from bert A Fresnel lens?  Really?

What can I say? I live near the west coast and I’m a lighthouse junkie. I’ve been to every lighthouse in Oregon, some in California and Washington, and some on the east coast. I guess I made the mistake of assuming people would recognize a Fresnel lens. Phil asked earlier how we would know the house is a former light keeper’s house. I felt that a light keeper’s house nearby would be obvious.

Quoted from bert The exposition from Hicks was a bit of a groaner, but I get what you were going for, and some of your twisty stuff near the end pulls the story back up.

Yeah, I hated to have so much exposition there from Hicks. I felt kind of stuck, though. Erin’s need to know what happened was too pivotal to her character. I had to do something.

Quoted from bert Once Mitchell reveals the truth about Emma's sister, I am not sure why there is anything more to be said, and I think the exchange between Hicks and Erin may diminish the intensity of the moment.

I like that idea. I’ll see if I can make it work.

Quoted from bert You might also consider (perhaps) concealing the identity of Emma's sister in the diary itself -- that single sentence you give Mitchell buried within the otherwise empty pages -- for Hicks to discover on his own.

I like this idea. I kind of wanted the revelation to happen with the blade to Mitchell’s throat. I’ll see if I can rework it.

Squeezing this into twelve pages hurt it, I think. One of my biggest regrets is that I had to cut out parts regarding Mitchell’s condition. I wanted to show more about his deteriorating health and why it’s so important to him to have a genuine experience with the “other side.” I really wanted the end to be poignant.

I will revise this, not because I think it’s such a great piece of work so much as because I simply can’t stand it so compressed.

Quoted from leitskev Breanne, it's not that your writing tipped us off to Hicks being the killer. It's more that kind of guy is always the killer. A van full of investigators, and one strange guy that we see briefly, who then disappears. That guy is always the killer. I found myself hoping that Erin would be the killer. I read this after the reveal, so I knew you would have twists as a veteran writer, I thought maybe that would be it. Turns out the twists came in other areas.

When I originally conceived this, Tim was the killer. I was fairly certain people would say they knew from the start. There’s a difference between the killer being obvious and readers merely guessing correctly. I’m very secure in the belief that no matter who had been the killer, someone would have said it was obvious after the fact.

Don’t get me wrong. This story is far from a great mystery. It definitely needs work. But I’m supremely confident of two things. Number one, if this had been longer, so that I could have been more manipulative, I believe it would have been less obvious. And number two, no matter what I would have done, someone would still have said they knew the killer right away. :)

Hugh, in all the responses above, I don’t want to overlook you. Thank you very much for reading and commenting.

Thanks everyone!


Breanne

Hi Breanne,

Just returning reads. I, like Bert, dont mind a little bit of unfilmable description of characters when its done right. I think you handled the intros well.

I'm not a "twist-sniffer". I don't go into a script hoping I can out-smart the rest of the audience and find your killer before he's revealed. Not like you win a prize. I didn't catch Hicks off the bat, so it was good for me.

I didn't like Erin shaking hands with Tim. Wished she could've just said she had a cold. As well as Hicks slicing her throat. I wished the blade would've went right through her at the get go. None of us know what ghosts really are, and I don't believe in them either, but I argue that at least 90 percent of us believe that they are spectral beings, not flesh and bone.

This was too big of a story for the limitations. I'm always guilty of that, too. I enjoyed it, but I think you could make this something really unique outside of the OWC parameters.

Thanks for reading mine as well...

James

Hi James,

Thanks for the read. I hope you didn’t feel that you owed me, though. I’m not one of those writers who expects a read for a read. I read what I’m drawn to and I don’t ask anything in return.

That said, I’m glad you did! :)

Regarding the ghost, I wasn’t suggesting she’s flesh and bone. She is a spectral being, just one who can appear as a living person. I’ve seen numerous movies where a ghost appears in the form they were killed. The ghost of a car wreck victim might appear mangled, or a ghost may relive a physical experience over and over, etc. I’m surprised so many have a problem with me playing with the concept in this way.

I thought of it more as an illusion. The ghost appears as a living person and people, having no reason to doubt, accept her as a living person. To me, the passion is in Erin’s deep seated need to know what happened that night.

I understand what you and others are saying. I’m experimenting here with concepts I like, though. One of my favorite characters of all time is a ghost who pretends to be a living person and then at other times takes on a more spectral form. I guess you could say I’m experimenting with the idea from an existential point of view.

I like your ideas about the cold and cutting Erin. I’ll see if I can incorporate them.

Thanks James.


Breanne

Breanne,

if I had read this one before the reveal, I would actually have guessed that you wrote it. I remember you saying you got married at an old lighthouse and knowing where you live...well, just call me Einstein, but I would have put 2 and 2 together and...  ;D

I liked your description of Joan. Always busy, but never in a rush.

I thought the story here was decent. Not bad at all. My biggest complaint would be Joan saying Tim just joined their group. Why would he do that when he seems to think their work is just a hoax? That really bothered me.

I think I would have liked it better if Erin and Emma were twins. The ghost pretending was a stretch for me.

I found myself wanting to know more about the treasure.

You lead me astray with making it look like Tim was going to be the killer. Good job on that.

All in all, I enjoyed the read. Expertly written with a story that works, but needs a little tweaking.

Pia,

Thanks for reading. Yes, actually, I was married in a light keeper’s house near a lighthouse. It’s been converted into a bed and breakfast and it’s supposedly haunted by the ghost of a woman who committed suicide by throwing herself off a cliff. She was allegedly distraught over the death of her child and the intense loneliness.

As a matter of fact, my wedding party spent the night before the wedding there as well as the wedding night. My maid of honor claims to have had a ghostly encounter. I didn’t experience a ghost but I can tell you it’s one spooky place to spend the night. The wind whistles and rattles your window all night. It definitely feels gothic.

I slept alone the first night and got a little spooked. The next night was much better hehe.

About the story, Tim’s motivation was addressed in the original. It had to be cut out to get down to twelve pages. He had his own reasons for being there. I can understand why his skepticism without any apparent motivation would bother a reader. I’ll add that stuff back in a rewrite.

There was originally a little more about the treasure, too.

About the ghost pretending to be human, yeah, that seemed to bother a lot of people. Seems people are pretty set in their ideas of what ghosts are supposed to be. I find it interesting that people refuse to accept a ghost as someone who could appear indistinguishable from the living. Now I’m wondering if people aren’t more disturbed by the idea that they might not recognize a ghost than they are by stereotypical spooks.

Anyway, it’s all fantasy to me and I don’t personally see any reason why a ghost couldn’t impersonate the living. Just trying to do something different.

Thanks for the read and I’ll see what I can do to address all the issues in a revision.


Breanne