My Love by Harley Wolfe Jr. (Hugh Hoyland) - Short, Gothic Horror -  A grief stricken lover makes a deal with the devil in hopes of being reunited with his lost love. 9 pages, 4 characters, PG-13 Rating - pdf, format 8)

MY LOVE

If you're new to SS, welcome!

Why is it when people mourn the dead, they make a deal with the devil and not God? Kind of a moot point since there wasn't a devil in this one. Watch those log lines.

The story was Gothic throughout. I'm not sure the ghost was misunderstood definitely was not bad.

The dialogue was wooden and stiff, especially the grieving fiancé. Long block of dialogue when he asks Lord for forgiveness for things we have already figured out.

When Jessica woke up the Butler, we knew it because Butler told us. It's a scene that should be shown to us.

The writing was okay except for some grammar errors.

GOOD
Gary

This was a classic old fashioned kind of tale, and I did like that, the writing was pretty good, but the dialog was not very strong, it felt a bit off to me and it just didn't work. It just read very awkward.  Still it fit the theme and genre so g0od job on completing the OWC.

Not bad.  I think it can be chiseled down a bit because it drags due to overwritten description and the dialogue clunks along at times.  

Still, I thought this was okay.  I liked the ending.  

Cut back on some of the filler words and sharpen the dialogue would be my recommendation.

Nice job.

Greg

As folks have said before me, this was quite overwritten. A lot of redundant description and dialogue throughout. Additionally, the reactions of the characters didn't quite track. There was a lot of quick movement and emotional shifts, apparently to get to a certain visual, but they didn't really make that much sense.

And then, after all the redundant overwriting, the most crucial part of the script, and all we get is 'POP!'? What happened there? A written sound effect doesn't really tell us anything.

But it wasn't all bad, not by any means. The basic premise was pretty neat and I did like the twist where the gypsy is as lost about the appearance of the ghost as the rest, although I didn't appreciate the racial stereotyping.

This is a good effort,  I like the melodrama -- this could be an entertaining film.  
But that was no gypsy.

I think this was pretty good for a OWC. It does need some work though to tighten it up.

I suggest that you read it out loud to yourself, especially the dialogue. You'll be able to hear what areas need help.

I think the best part of this was when he had heard the noise and goes to investigate. I liked the way you built it up there.

Cindy

it had gothic ingredients - gypsy, portrait, grief, manor, butler, lost love etc but, a cake they did not make.
others have already picked up on clunky dialogue, that comes with practice.
there are some plot holes that need filling.
from what I can tell, the butler was in the room waiting, yet didn't answer his master when he called for him?
how did he make the shot in the darkness?
i am tired so i may have missed something (like the shift key - yes yes i know)

This one started out well.  I liked the writing style.  And you did nail the gothic atmosphere - kudos on that (alot of the OWCS seem to have missed the tone that the challenge was shooting for.)  You pulled it off.  Congrats.

RE: the story - basic premise would work well: a man hires a gypsy to bring back his love.  But the woman is actually a con, only interested in burgling the mansion.  The ghost of his sweetheart returns to save the day, and he gets a last lingering look at his departed.

The story - as written - meandered too much, dialogue was wooden and often 'on the nose'.  Yes! I am a servant of the devil stands out as an example.  (Another is 'I have something that I wish you to do.' Agatha: What do you wish me to do.)  Too many "wishes" - change up the wording!

Done with more "mood", and a focus on Gregory's grief, and this could work.  Needs a structural revamping to do it, but it could be worth it IMO!

Like readers said before, you need to chiseled down your dialog and tightens up the story. A good try. Congrats.

Add a wheelchair and this one fits a couple OWCs.
I guess the misunderstanding here is an identity issue?
Why some character intros in CAPS and others not?
The majority of the negotiation/intro felt superfluous.
The “POP” caught me off guard without knowing a gun was present.
Talking up a ceremony so long without a pay off felt awkward.
Good atmosphere, dialogue too on the nose for my taste.
The cool ghostly happening was off screen.
Thanks for playing OWC.

Regards,
E.D.

The dialogue is cheesy at points and there is a lot of description.  It's not a bad story but there's nothing new here.  The ghost speaking to James in his dream is a bit coincidental.

tone down the dialogue a bit. reads like a parody rather than gothic horror.

plus theres a lot of filler. however you forgot some key elements like introducing the gun.

this was pretty good. not the best i've read, but definitely one of the better entries. its a shame too because with some better dialogue and tighter descriptors, i probably would have voted for it.

This is your vintage Gothic setup with the dead man in the mansion grieving his dead wife.  I thought the gypsy was a nice touch.  But, after a promising beginning, I think the story fell victim to a rather basic ending.  

Regarding the death of Jessica, at one point Gregory says "she died suddenly without warning."  Later James tries to convince Gregory it wasn't his fault.  But James says, "Wasn't it?"  So, how did she die?  This is a big plot point that's missing from the script.

James dialogue about seeing the ghost of Jessica came off as very expository.  Seeing this actually happen would have helped.  

I couldn't figure out if the gyspy had actually summoned the ghost or not.  If she did, she shouldn't have been that surprised at her presence.

If the voice in the darkness belongs to Agatha the gypsy, she wouldn't be a DISEMBODIED VOICE.

A few unfortunate typos hurt the read here:
"its hinges CREEK loudly"
"Please stop torturing yourself over the lose of Jessica."
"He can barley hold the candles"

Not too bad overall.  It moved quickly, but was missing the rich detail that I think a Gothic horror story needs.

I think the story needs to be developed a little more but I like the basic concept.

There are some spelling and grammar issues.

It’s not quite there yet but with more fleshing out, it could make a nice little ghost story.

Good luck with rewrites.


Breanne

I enjoyed this one. I like the nice dark overtone to it. I definitely feel the pacing becomes sluggish in the middle. I feel you spend too much time describing things just when the script ids suppose to take off. Didn't mind it in the intro.

I wished that Jessica would've told James that she knows it wasn't gregory's fault. As it is you just kind of skim past her death and never explain why gregory blames himself. I think thats back story you could've used the extra pages to at least hint towards.

Overall,  like I said, I think this was good, but could definitely be better...

Good job completing the OWC.

James

Gregory wants his wife's soul returned to him. He hires Agatha, the gypsy lady.

Now, first off:

She's introduced as:

>Next to James is Agatha,(66), wearing a black cloak and sporting a devilish grin on her lips.

That SHOULD BE:

AGATHA, 60s, yada-yada...

I really didn't get this. For instance, towards the end Agatha says:

>AGATHA
No! Its not possible!

What the hell? What's not possible.

This doesn't read as gothic to me. More like murder mystery style.

Gregory's line:

GREGORY
My love.

Does not passion make.

Sandra

OK...um...well...I finished it - normally, I would have stopped after a couple pages, because I could tell immediately there were going to be nothing but problems throughout...and there were.

Mistakes of almost every kind littered on every page.  Poor punctuation throughout.  Awkward writing.  Over writing.  Completely unrealistic dialogue (and way too much, as well).  What's with the constant shouting by everyone?  Using exclamation points in dialogue means the words are shouted, and the vast majority of sentences ending in exclamtion points would not be shouted.  Unrealistic feel throughout.

Story-wise, not much here, after what appeared to be a solid setup.  Just doesn't work on any level as written, and as others have mentioned, the action that needs more description is so lacking.

Not bad if this is early work. Stick with it. Some notes:

--He summons a Gypsy for help, and immediately calls her a wench. Not a good way to get help, even from someone perceived as lower than her station. I would think some politeness would be more strategic.

And she shouts out, with !, that she is a servant of the devil. I thought this very odd at the time, but it turned out to be more understandable, and even fits in with the rudeness above. He is rude to her, she lies about her devil skill and is mad at him when she does, later breaks in to steal from him, and so on.

Early descriptions are good, but too much. Try to get to the story a little quicker. But not a bad start on your journey as a writer.

I thought this was decent. Nice atmosphere, reads quick, simple story.
Dialogue could use some work, and I think you could cut a few action lines out but for the most part I found it entertaining and it rarely dragged.
Nice work.

There was a pretty good setup here, albeit a little on the nose.  

But it took a rather strange turn, the gypsy decides to start burgling the house?  It was a bit of an anticlimax.  You would have thought a servant of the devil would resort to something more, well, more magical or within the dark arts.

This may be me just being pedantic - but i assumed her mention of bringing back Jessica's soul was a reference to her ghost.  There was something too coincidental about Jessica's ghost appearing anyway, the very same task assigned to the gypsy (which she didn't bother to do), that didn't sit well with me.

I liked the way the ghost possessed the butler, was a nice touch.  Not bad, might just be me, but i didn't quite buy the story.

Leon

Locations & Sets -   EXT & INT Victorian mansion on a hill w/ period furnishings, great room, and hall
Actors  -  GREGORY (30s), JAMES (50s), AGATHA (60s), JESSICA ghost (20s)
Costumes -  Hooded cloak for Agatha, Period attire for Gregory, butler uniform
Props  - candle and stand, portrait painting and frame x 2, fire poker, revolver
Audio FX -  hinge CREEK! breaking glass, gunshot
Visual FX -  rain and lightning, Jessica's ghost apparition, Jessica's morph into James
Other -  flicker lights for wall shadows
Comments  -  Turn off your program's page (CONTINUED) and dialog (CONT'D) features. A little sophomoric.

Good story. Though I was disappointed that we didn't see the Devil. Different from what I expected but good story none the less.

Hi:) You've definitely got the mood down, so kudos! I think you should pull back Agatha's dialogue a bit, especially when he's asking her if she can do this. Making her more evasive would make the exchange that much more effective. Also, maybe foreshadow that she wants his things - have her glance lustfully at candelabras or something.

Overall though, you did a great job:)