David by Georgie - Short - A boy's first crush. Literally.  4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Sorry, Georgie. I just skimmed the dialogue because your formatting is so bad. Even the repetitive use of David trying to say Elizabeth's name properly isn't interesting.

You really don't have a complete story here. If you're around, I'll share what I know about formatting and such. Til then, Thats as much time as I'll spend on this. Be ready for some wrecking balls to this one. Read some scripts and learn the format...

James

Hi Georgie - couldn't work out if you were male or female, but you sound like you are young.

Be interesting to know if you used a program to help you write this.

Some clues: Your slug-lines seem to have some action lines in them - slug-lines should be nice and short.
You don't need to capitalize names after you have first introduced them.
When telling a story, think about what the most interesting part are, and then try and concentrate on those bits - think how you might tell it to friends, and jazz it up some.

Keep trying, though, not a bad start.

Hey-

When I had this segment in mind, I didn't plan on it being a traditional story with a beginning, middle, and end. What I was more interested in was to capture a small piece of David's life, hence the abrupt transition scenes. It is also notable to point out that I was influenced greatly by the French New Wave when I had this story in mind.

I do realize that I need to brush up on my formatting skills. Thanks for the comments so far. I always like reading criticisms because it tells me that the script is no longer in my own head. Since in my mind, it is praised beyond belief!

-Georgie

While I thought the story was a cute one, I thought the formatting problems made it a more difficult read than it should've been.  I recommend that you read some scripts on the boards and learn a little about proper formatting.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Quoted from davidhuh When I had this segment in mind, I didn't plan on it being a traditional story with a beginning, middle, and end. What I was more interested in was to capture a small piece of David's life, hence the abrupt transition scenes. I do realize that I need to brush up on my formatting skills. -Georgie

Okay. So you're not a 10 yr old. This needs to be more sophisticated in that case. You always have a BME: (B)we introduce the boys, we dicover that David Like E; (M) he is shy of approaching her and wants to use a present based on what he likes, but David almost scuppers that; (E) Another boys usurps him. Beginning, Middle, End. Problems for me concern the introduction of Ted - would it not have had a better twist if Kevin was seen with her? He would have stolen both his girl and his idea - more emotional impact. Also had a problem with the characters - didn't have great descriptions so couldn't visually imagine them so well - sometmes helps if you make them hugely different (one boy black, one boy white blond?), help to bring them off the page, and stops them merging into 'one voice'.

Fade in at the beginning, fade out at the end. slugs should stand alone. do NOT cap your descriptors.

couldnt really get behind the story. let me know when you get your formatting worked out. would be happy to take another look.

The formatting is off but I kept reading as it's a short read anyway.

Someone already mentioned about Ted in the end. I agree with that assessment. When Ted takes David's girl in the end, I get the feeling that she "plays around" and is a gold-digger. Well, cracker digger would be a better term.

Since she looks like a "cracker-digger", I don't have any sympathy for David. I think he's better off without the girl. If you were angling for more sympathy for David, then Kevin would be a better choice.

Not to pile on, but yeah, formatting was off.  FADE IN in the beginning, FADE OUT at the end.
Try to write your action more succinctly, and ALWAYS in the present tense.  Instead of
"DAVID IS LEANING ON A SLIDE."   write   "David leans on a slide."
As people have already said, don't capitalize action, and don't capitalize names every time they're mentioned just the first time.

Your log line felt like a let down for me.  "A boy's first crush. Literally"
I was half expecting at the end that David was going to get crushed by something, Like a falling beam or something unexpected.  That was why I kept reading... to see a kid get crushed by something random... but those are my own issues I'm working through.

But seriously,  try to read as many scripts as you can to pick up the formatting.  That's probably the best way to learn it.

Meh. The story is a little weak and the formatting is wrong in some places. However, with the right editing, I think that it could be turned into a fairly successful short. Good luck with future projects!:D

im sure everything was mentioned, b/c there are a ton of mistakes, and little to no story... but here's another... ice cream in a school lunch?