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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Pale Flesh - Produced - Watch the teaser
Posted by: Don, November 3rd, 2011, 6:34pm
Pale Flesh by Dena Mckinnon - Short - A goth teen mistakes an alienated guy for one of her kind.  16 pages - pdf, format 8)

Posted by: leitskev, November 3rd, 2011, 7:01pm; Reply: 1
For a new writer, this is excellent work, Pale. There are some slug issues, and some other glitches. I am emailing you a PDF where I pointed some out.

SPOILER

The story definitely seemed cliche with the vampire love thing, but then you went zombie with it. I think that's ok, but I would like to see the reveal handled a little more deftly. His reveal to her was very on the nose.

But the rest of the dialogue is done very well. You have a bright future in this.
Posted by: DarrenJamesSeeley, November 3rd, 2011, 7:11pm; Reply: 2
I don't know if you're sticking around or if this is a hit and run, but I'll chime in anywhow.

Overall, this is a nice little short, and while I would have liked a slight bit of diversity - at least in Goth style- with the friends (hey, one could have fire-engine dyed hair or more eyeliner than another) I didn't mind it so much. Slugs look okay, but...


Quoted Text
LILITH
She was talking about her
boyfriend...(pause) or ex now.


Every here and there I see stuff like that. If you are going to use wrylie, it should look something like this:

LILITH
(pause)
She was talking about her boyfriend.

However, in the above quote you have an elipses (...) which is a pause as it suggests a train of thought. Thus "pause" is not a requirement. In addition, don't end dialog on a wrylie (p11).

p12
Breaden's explanation of what he is sounds more complicated than it needs to be. He was fine at 'new beginnings' the page before. And "You'll only feel pain for a minute". In those bits of dialog he is creepy. Once he talks about "abundance of salt" it becomes corny.

Also, watch your pronouns. You get he and her mixed up quite a bit in the last few pages. By the way, I'm surprised that--

1 -  Breaden didn't tear Lilith's head off. There was a big stink about the news report which was somewhat sensationistic ("thirty and counting...dead and decapitated") If you are going to set up a few plot points, it's only fair to pay them off.

2- The word Bokor is used, While not said outright, this suggests (evil) voodoo. A voodoo zombie is different from the classic "living dead" zombie that we have seen in pop culture (Resident Evil, Dawn Of The Dead, Zombieland etc) But this is a minor complaint of mine.

More later...maybe.
Posted by: leitskev, November 3rd, 2011, 7:16pm; Reply: 3
She's around, Darren. Pale Yellow. Been trying to get to know folks. The problem with the slugs is there are several missing. In the first scene, we start in the parking lot and then we're in the car without any change of slug. Later, they get up and go to the bathroom, there is a time acceleration as one minute we're at a table, the next second we're in the ladies room, and no slug. That's all. Nothing major.
Posted by: Pale Yellow, November 3rd, 2011, 8:37pm; Reply: 4
Kevin and Darren ...thanks for reading.

About the slugs ....I need to learn to SLOW down...instead of writing so fast and not rereading. Those kind of mistakes shouldn't be missed by me. Thanks for pointing them out.

And Darren, about the bokor word...I was trying to find a zombie that could do more than the dead walk and ran across the evil bokor stuff but again, if I was going to use that I should have made more of it or introduced it somehow. And with the tv and decapitations, you are totally right again. I guess my thinking when I was writing it, was that maybe instead of the "normal" zombie brain and flesh binge perhaps the leader(bokor lady) was taking heads back to her legion. Again, I write too fast and need to plan and think more.

I appreciate the heck out of the reviews and advice. I'm learning and am thankful to have this criticism and help in here!

Happy Weekend.
Posted by: bert, November 4th, 2011, 9:25am; Reply: 5
I see that slugline and dialogue snafus have already been adequately addressed, so I just kind of read this for a sense of the story itself.

If you are not going to use Razi, you need to lose him.  I would say the same for Mrs. Kippling.  You use her more than Razi -- but not much, really -- and her inclusion does nothing to move the story forward.  Everything in a script must be there for a reason -- and this is particularly true in a short script.

The salt is an intriguing and semi-comic angle, but as Darren told you, it is the kind of angle that loses some of its charm when you explain it.  By all means keep it -- but I would recommend just letting it linger as a nice WTF that needs no further elaboration.

This proceeds with near certainty towards a vampire reveal, and you are commended for trying to take it somewhere different.   But it also kind of spins off the rails when that final reveal comes along.

I mean, what the heck is Ursula doing, anyway?  As far as evil master plans go, this one is just kind of weird.  And again, I echo Darren, wondering why you mention the hordes of decapitated bodies if Lilith is not going to end up amongst them.

The dialogue is perhaps the strongest aspect here, with some nice, ironic lines.  And having glanced at your old OWC, I can tell that you have already made tremendous strides in streamlining your narrative.

I think that perhaps this was not fully cooked in terms of the internal logic of the story, but it is enjoyable enough, and certainly a good effort moving forward to your next work.

You are encouraged to take your time with the next one.  Once you have typed, "FADE OUT", put it away.  Stick it in a drawer for a week or two.  Don't think about it.  Then pull it out later -- work it over again with fresh eyes -- then submit that version, which I can virtually guarantee will be improved.
Posted by: Pale Yellow, November 4th, 2011, 9:58am; Reply: 6
"You are encouraged to take your time with the next one.  Once you have typed, "FADE OUT", put it away.  Stick it in a drawer for a week or two.  Don't think about it.  Then pull it out later -- work it over again with fresh eyes -- then submit that version, which I can virtually guarantee will be improved."

OMG you hit the nail on the head. After I sat down and reread my crap owc and rewrote it, I know it was much better. I have got to force myself into that habit if I want anyone to read this stuff. Just as an exercise to me, I'll rewrite this one next week.

Thank you for reviewing and helping me :)
Posted by: darrentomalin, November 4th, 2011, 1:38pm; Reply: 7
Hey pale yellow, i enjoyed the read, you obviously have a flair for atmosphere and a lively imagination.
Most of what you need has already been mentioned by the esteemed company above so won't rattle on about format and slugs (though think I read your second draft)
I didn't like the ending, with some corny dialogue and a fairly weak pay off.
(liked the line about the dead end)
keep writing, you clearly have a lot to offer.
Daz
Posted by: B.C., November 4th, 2011, 4:56pm; Reply: 8
Hello there.

This was cute. I liked it.

Couple of things -- the first scene on the porch. You intro three characters, then one of them gets up and leaves. End of scene. Seems odd to me.

Also -- not much happens, really, in the first 5 pages. I'd suggest tightening up and shortening for a quicker build for the finale. I like your character descriptions but for a short they felt a bit long winded.

Nice work, though. :) As kev said, if this is an early go... then well done you.
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), November 4th, 2011, 8:39pm; Reply: 9
Hey Dena, a fellow SS'er PM'd me and recommended your script, so I thought I'd give it a quick look.

I'm not going to go into too great detail, but I do want to help.

Sorry to say, but there are major problems right out of the gate that no one seemed to see or care to mention.

First of all, although it's not a big deal, your opening line reads a bit "off" because you chose or missed "a" between "in" and "dimly".  Read it out loud both ways and see if you don't see what I'm saying.  IMO, the first line is a gauge that you can pretty much predict how things are going to follow, in terms of the writing, and missing a simple "a" does have an effect.

From there, we go into your first major Slug issue.  We're in an EXT scene, yet every single line in this scene is actually INT scene action/description/dialogue.  Basically, you need a new Slug after your opening line - "INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS".

Why is Ursula's dialogue O.S.?  She's right there in the scene.

Why call Lilith's Mom, Mrs. Kippling, without introing Lilith, as Lilith Kippling?  That's a mistake.

Wrylies are incorrect and need attention.

OK, not to be mean or anything, but this isn't really doing much for me and we're now in a McDonald's, which isn't going to ever fly for me.

You've gotten some good advice here and I hope the few things I bought up help as well.  Keep on reading and posting and you'll catch on quick.  Good effort for your 2nd attempt at screenwriting.  It gets easier as you go, as long as you spend the time learning.

Best of luck.
Posted by: Baltis. (Guest), November 4th, 2011, 8:56pm; Reply: 10
Haven't read the script yet -- I'll get around to it in a bit -- but I'd reword the log line if I were you.  I'd  certainly put "TEEN" in front of "GOTH" and make it "TEEN GOTHS".

Something similar to this:

"A group of teen goths discover one in<--(or of) their flock to be anything but human."

But not restricted to.  I see a lot of trouble with log lines since my return to the site... I mean a lot.
Posted by: Electric Dreamer, November 5th, 2011, 11:23am; Reply: 11
Hello Dena,

I noticed some activity over here, thought I'd stop in for a look see.
I've noticed you contributing some reviews, so here I am.

Jeff has a point about the first sentence.
I wouldn't throw the script away on just one missed tiny word.
But, as a production company reader, I would flag you for that, big time.
And the incorrect parentheticals would be a big nail in the proverbial coffin too.


Then there's an un-capitalized character intro. That's a red flag too.
Speaking strictly as a reader, I'm one misstep away from tossing your script.
If you're planning on submitting to others to advance your career, keep this in mind.

Of course, I'm not going to do that here.
But felt relaying how reader's think would give you some context.

P. 3  "As the sun goes down" should be a slug to denote a change in the time of day.

P. 7  Braeden's line before he;s seen should read: BRADEN (O.S.)

I was pretty much onto you from the very beginning.
But it still read fairly decent, you have a voice on the page.

Most of writing is rewriting.
Embrace the format and tighten every thing up.

Hope you stick around, best of luck.

Regards,
E.D.
Posted by: Pale Yellow, November 5th, 2011, 8:38pm; Reply: 12
Ok, so I'm learning here and thank you to everyone of you who took the time to read my short and the reviews help tremendously. I have a question. I have rewritten this work and want to update it. I want to change the logline as well. Do I just resubmit with a note in the box for Don(just like any other rewrite)?

Thanks again to everyone in here.
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), November 5th, 2011, 9:13pm; Reply: 13
Yes, just resubmit and let Don know it's a rewrite.
Posted by: conwall, November 6th, 2011, 10:10am; Reply: 14
Pale Flesh Notes:

FADE IN.

This is something I’m seeing a lot of in scripts and I’m not sure what the protocol is.  My Final Draft software aligns these transition directions on the right margin.  Not here.  Where it is on the left.

Sort of a cliché discussion with mom.  Troubled over-achieving kid, over-protective mom.  Really nothing in this exchange I haven’t heard a million times.  Well, at least a dozen times anyway.  I’d try to give them something more meaningful to say.  

And what is the point of this scene anyway?  It doesn’t move the story forward.  All of this could be accomplished by staying at the bookstore and calling.

Mom’s Name.  This is something I’ve wrestled with myself.  I’m sure it’s been discussed on the boards.  What is mom’s name?  Is it just ‘mom’ or should we use her first name?  To some characters she is mom, and to others she is Mrs. Smith, or Kelly.  

To write:   Mom/Mrs. Smith/ Kelly…is death.  You have to pick one and I think for the purpose of this script you should just call her Mom.  Nobody else talks to her and mom is just fine.

Mickie D’s should have an apostrophe.

No parting dialog from Adrianna.  She should be egging her friend on.  Talking to her when he can’t here like this:  He’s cute.  What are you going to do?  Playfully teasing her like close friends do.  Something.  She just gets up and leaves.

…is an ellipse.  ..is a typo.

“We went to Mickie D’s.”  Um, I know they went to Mickie D’s.  You really have to watch out for dialogue like this.  Come late and leave early.  What is the point of her friend telling her this, when we already know it.  If we don’t see it we will automatically assume she told her.  In fact, she probably texted her that night, right?

What’s with the set ups?  One of the cool reasons to write a short is because you are trying to attract producers who are working on a budget.  Every set up is a different location.  Some of these locations are expensive.  McDonald’s?

It’s a bad choice.  Because you are sort of sending a signal to readers that you don’t understand the realities of their world.  Every single scene or action you write should come with a price tag attached.  How hard would this be to film?  How expensive are these costumes, make-up, or effects?

Spend it up only when you totally have to.  McDonalds could easily just be the local diner, coffee shop, or sub shop.  Plus, aren’t they getting enough advertising already?

I kept asking myself why the entire movie couldn’t be shot at the outside patio of the bookstore.  

Kid pulls up.  Girls see him.  First encounter.  Have a seat.  Mom calls.  Friend leaves them alone.  Getting to know you.  Getting to know all about you.  What are you reading?  Fog rolls in.  A kiss.  A drop of blood.  Mmm good stuff.  Want a ride.  No.  Come on, I’ll give you a lift.  Maybe more.  Okay.  Hey, where are we?  Who are all these people?  Snack a brain.  And we’re out.  Bam.

“Lil strange.”  I don’t like this dialogue.  It slows down the reading.  I’m trying to read as quickly as I can, when I come to a strange word I have to slow down and ask myself what this is.  Just make it “little” and let the actors decide how much they want to slang up the dialogue.

Salt is sometimes referred to as, “the white death.”

Typo:  In a quickness.

Grabs her wrist.  You leave all the emotion on the table so to speak.  Why can’t she get mad or scared or both.  “Hey, asshole!  Get the hell off me.  Who do you think I am?  You ever grab me like that again and…”

Seriously, if you overheard an exchange like that in a restaurant, what would you do?  Personally, I would be riveted.  I might even saunter by to get a better look.  Then again I am a creepy unapologetic eaves dropper.   But still…it is INTERESTING.  Getting your wrist grabbed then silently chomping on a slice of pizza is not.

By the way…another whole set up in another whole location.

Typo:  TV not tv.

“What happened?”  You lost me a little here.  If the TV is on why didn’t they all hear it at the same time?  A little clumsy if somebody just didn’t hear it and the others are filling her in.  But what about the audience, didn’t they at least hear it?  

End Notes:  Okay, I’ll admit I was a little surprised at the end.  Brain snacking is a cool effect.  Poor Lil.  You had me going because this was going to be a sappy love story like “Twilight”.  But then WHAM it turns into a horrific gore fest.  The only thing I might advise is to wait a little.  Probably looks better on film if he leads her out of the car while still alive.  Mounting terror.  Audience is maybe not sure if he’ll do it, or maybe he really likes her at this point.  Something like that to increase tension.

Or think of it like this.  Gore fest in a car?  Blood gets on the camera and other equipment.  You have to clean it off before returning it.  Blood gets all over the car.  Whose car is this?  The producer’s?  Yours?  Who wants buckets of fake blood splashed around their car?  Attack her in the forest and you can throw leaves on the fake blood on the ground and nobody even knows you were there.

Not sure if it redeems the rest of the script but at least it was worth the wait.

Posted by: Baltis. (Guest), November 6th, 2011, 10:48am; Reply: 15
Conwall, Fade In: should be, if included at all, to the left.  If you are using Final Draft 8 they have, for some stupid reason, Fade In set as a custom transition... You need to change it to simply "Custom", here you can name it fade in and it will automatically position it to where it needs to be.   I've no clue why they never fixed it, and many users of fd expressed concern over it and other bugs within the software.

Fade In:  should be, to the Cole & Haag standard, 1.9 inch from the left of the page.  < This is a reference for you to add it under a custom header if you so choose.  Cole & Haag is really the rule of thumb when it comes to screenplays... While it has slightly become less relevant, the teaching supplied ample space, read down the page with very little left to right wandering and very direct, precise wording.  Nothing showy and flashy... just the basics.
Posted by: Forgive, November 11th, 2011, 9:21pm; Reply: 16
Hi - I've seen you a lot giving feedback to other scripts and that's good.

You've been given some good feedback, and taking that on board is valuable.

Someone said you can tell if someone can write in the first sentence. But it takes a page to see if they can't write. I read two pages: You have potential.

I'll try and nutshell some issues:

MRS KIPPLING, a short lady in a night gown enters the kitchen
tapping her wrist. Her  hair is neatly tied back.
MRS. KIPPLING
Past eleven. You know I worry.
LILITH
Mom, why do you not trust me?
MRS. KIPPLING
It�s not a trust issue Lillie, I�m trying to keep you safe.
Besides, your room looks like a pig sty.


MRS KIPPLING (53), short, hair tied back, in a night gown, enters the kitchen.
Taps her wrist.
MRS KIPPLING
Past eleven.
(beat)
You know I worry.
LILITH
Why don't you trust me?
MRS KIPPLING
I�m trying to keep you safe.
Lilith turns away.
MRS. KIPPLING
(exasperated)
Besides, your room looks like a pig sty.

See what you think.
Posted by: Pale Yellow, November 12th, 2011, 11:30am; Reply: 17
Thank you for the review...appreciated....At first, when I landed here from my strange planet, I was timid about reviewing and replying until after the owc posted and I was told to read and review :) so, that's what I've done and I'm learning.

I have since taken the Mrs Kippling character out all together ..A couple of people made comment about that scene so I deleted it. I also put an opening scene in there that was more inviting that "a car rolls up into a parking lot" and I've changed the ending just slightly.

I have resubmitted it but the rewrite isn't up yet. Thank you for reading and if you have a minute or 8 would love you to read the rewrite when it's posted.
Posted by: Steex, May 8th, 2012, 3:56pm; Reply: 18
I'm not the biggest vampire fan in the world,  but I have to say your story kept me interested to the end.
It's an easy read, moves fast. You don't bog it down with unnecessary description.
The dialogue is pretty simple and has a nice flow to it. Good job there.
However, I was expecting some kind of twist at the end.
Maybe Brendan decides to kill his aunt, by slicing off her head?
Just a thought, being he got to know the other two a bit.
Also, the news report about 30 murders is a bit too much. I live in Chicago, and people would get spooked by a news report of three people getting their heads cut off. I'd recommend a smaller number to make it more realistic.
Posted by: Pale Yellow, May 8th, 2012, 7:29pm; Reply: 19
Thanks tons Steex....This was literally my 2nd attempt at screenwriting ;) so if you made it through it....blessing enough for me. Still in the learning process...appreciate the hell out of this site and all the peeps in here for their help.

Dena
Posted by: Steex, May 11th, 2012, 5:17pm; Reply: 20
Hopefully everyone's feedback helps you make your script(s) as good as they can be.
Most people on here are pretty nice and willing to help.
Posted by: Pale Yellow, May 11th, 2012, 7:37pm; Reply: 21
Of course...I've learned a ton and continue to learn something new everyday :) and I owe it all to this site and the people on here! Honestly....I do!

Shout out to Don and everyone here for all your help!!!!

A special shout out to Kevin for all his help and his willingness to deal with me.
Posted by: CoopBazinga, May 12th, 2012, 6:43am; Reply: 22
Hey Dena,

An old script from you that I've never seen. Are you still after feedback?

All the best.

Steve :)
Posted by: Pale Yellow, May 12th, 2012, 7:33am; Reply: 23
No Steve...do NOT even read this :) It's ummm very old.

I'm still pluggin away on Clairvoyance ..maybe soon I'll get it finished ;) Thank you for everything...the reads...advice.

dena
Posted by: CoopBazinga, May 12th, 2012, 8:59am; Reply: 24

Quoted from Pale Yellow
No Steve...do NOT even read this :) It's ummm very old.

I'm still pluggin away on Clairvoyance ..maybe soon I'll get it finished ;) Thank you for everything...the reads...advice.

dena


Glad I asked now. ;D

I enjoyed the opening to Clairvoyance and was sorry you couldn’t get it finished in time but your get there. I’m looking forward to reading it when finished. :)

Steve

Posted by: Colkurtz8, May 22nd, 2012, 5:34am; Reply: 25
Dena

Ok, straight off the bat, I have to say that I’m pretty sick of vampire and zombie films. I enjoy them as much as the next person, adored the original Bram Stoker novel and Romero’s 70s films but boy have I had my fill for the time being.

Regardless of my prejudices, this was undoubtedly an interesting piece of work with lots of potential and room for expansion. One can join the dots more or less straight away between Braeden and Ursula and this mass grave of headless corpses, I don’t think you attempt to hide that. What I took to be at the centre of this is the blossoming relationship between Lilith and Braedan, the big question on my mind was, is he going to kill her at the behest of the domineering Ursula.

You build things nicely, I liked the twist on the genre about only eating the head and waiting for the right time, it ties in with the whole idea of vampires and abstinence, a common motif as exercised to the maximum in the Twilight series. Braedan penchant for salt was also an amusing if creepy aside to his character. It was intriguing to see Braeden’s obvious urges being suppressed by Ursula and how he was going to go to react to it.

Lilith and Adriana were well drawn, typical teenage Goths; apathetic, too cool for school and fascinated by the strange and macabre looking Breadan. I appreciate your attention to slang and pronunciation associated with that particular demographic, all well observed.

However, I was disappointed by the ending in that he just ends up killing her and that’s all. It almost felt like an intro to a bigger story which is why I say it has potential and room for further expansion. I wanted more in this final scene which at least tells you I was hooked until then.

I hope you continue with this.

Col.
Posted by: Pale Yellow, May 22nd, 2012, 7:37am; Reply: 26
Thanks Col.

This was a new script when I first found the world of screenwriting. I'm not sure I've gotten better or worse since then :) but it was a fun story to write. I don't like vampire or zombie flicks either but everyone on here nearly had one, so I decided what the heck! ;)

Thanks for reading it ;) and your comments..... ;)
Posted by: Seven, May 24th, 2012, 9:35pm; Reply: 27
Seems I'm a little late to the show. Even so, having read it, I thought I'd drop a few quick comments.

The opening is very well written. It has a cinematic feel. It reads like a screenplay. Nice work.

The dialogue was excellent. It's an easy read. It's well paced. My only real complaint is that the end was anti-climatic.

Anyway, I enjoyed the read. Thanks.  
Posted by: Pale Yellow, May 24th, 2012, 9:38pm; Reply: 28
Very kewl....glad you liked it ....I agree the end sucked.

Thank you bunches....
Posted by: Pale Yellow, January 24th, 2013, 8:16am; Reply: 29
Thanks for posting rewrite Don :)
Posted by: dogglebe (Guest), January 24th, 2013, 10:05am; Reply: 30
This script did not do anything for me.  I couldn't accept Raven as goth.  Putting her in dark clothing and all that isn't enough.  And shamrock shakes?  Do they really serve them at goth clubs?

Don't change characters' name in midstream; it only confuses people.  Damon should've been introduced as Damon from the very beginning.  It wouldn't have revealed anything about him.

SPOILER SPACE

Damon's a zombie?  I don't get it.  You should've left it with him being a vampire.  I'm probably saying this because I don't like the zombie genre, but also because you made him intelligent and human.  This goes against the whole definition of what a zombie is.

The salt idea was a nice touch.  I did like that.  A simple (but temporary) solution to Damon's problem.


Phil
Posted by: RegularJohn, January 24th, 2013, 11:01pm; Reply: 31
Hey Dena.

So starting off, I think you mean "LONE bath house" as opposed to "loan bath house".  It starts off good but kind of slows down a bit for me after Damon kills the two girls in the bath house.  You're building backstory and getting the ball rolling but it's just not working for me until things start up again around page 6.

I suggest taking out those first five pages and start with Damon in the convenience store.  A guy with black veins running up his arms buying a bunch of salt...it has me turning the page.  You can work in the disappearance of the two girls as you progress (maybe a TV in the store?) and also his motives for not killing Raven near the end when Raven sneaks up on him as he paces over the graves.

A pretty interesting story though the relationship between Raven and Damon seems a bit rushed (evidently nobody taught Raven about stranger danger!).  Maybe Raven has seen Damon lingering around the underground?  Anyways, that's what I've got.  Shamrock shakes are awesome BTW.
Posted by: rolo, June 30th, 2013, 4:15pm; Reply: 32
Gave this a read as it's 'script of the day' - Even though you're not obviously after feedback on this anymore, just wanted to say it was a nice little script, I particularly like your style of writing - very visual - Good job!

rolo
Posted by: Pale Yellow, July 1st, 2013, 3:17pm; Reply: 33
Thanks Rolo :) my second ever screenplay :) I had fun writing it. Glad you enjoyed!
Posted by: James McClung, July 1st, 2013, 9:26pm; Reply: 34
Hi Dena,

I'm afraid I wasn't a fan of this at all. I honestly wasn't sure if it was supposed to be dark and sinister or tongue in cheek with the goth iconography and Damon's melodramatic brooding. I can't say it worked for me either way but if you were going for dark and sinister instead of the other thing, you've got a lot more to worry about. Damon's awkwardness kind of killed whatever creep factor he was supposed to have and his dialogue was cliche and came off very emo. Lines like "Unjudged" and "You smell almost delectable" sound forced and just weird. He even wears a hoody (which he apparently can't wear in the store?). I liked his physical description and his tic with the salt but everything kind of overshadowed those elements. Raven, I liked better but she seemed kind of oblivious at times and I was never sold on why she was pursuing this dude to the extent she was. Again, I suppose you could've been trying to take the piss out of goths but if you weren't, elements are working against you.

I think the references to vampires and Fifty Shades of Grey made things worse. Fifty Shades of Grey irks me considerably in general. It's such an obvious and overused topical reference and anything looks like Shakespeare next to it so it's a cheap jab that doesn't accomplish much. The "vampires are so overrated" line had a similar feel and sounds ridiculous coming from Damon's mouth as he really wasn't a far cry from the Edward Cullen archetype. I'd scrap it all.

The goth references overall, I didn't mind. On the contrary, I thought they added character to your story. I especially liked your descriptions of The Underground and things like Shamrock shakes tend not to be obvious iconography, which I appreciated. I couldn't get a grasp of what kind of place this was though. Is it supposed to be a bar? If so, how are teenagers hanging out there and if not, what exactly is it? Raven's name was perhaps too obvious a choice in name for me. Damon definitely was and you directly reference its source, which cheapens the quality of the script overall.

I think your writing needs to be scaled back. You use a lot of conjunctions e.g. "as" and "which," which end up drawing your sentences out and slowing your pacing down considerably. You also use a lot of passive voice, which has a similar effect. These are simple changes though that can really step up your writing once you address them. The only things that really annoyed me were introducing Damon as Hood Man and hence changing your character's name halfway through the script (introduce him as Damon and leave it at that) and calling one character HOT BLOND. These kinds of descriptions always read lazy and throwaway. "Hot" really needs to remain out of screenplays in general unless it's part of the dialogue.

Your ending is pretty meh but it seems you're already aware of that. Whatever you decide to do with that, please cut the line, "What have I done." Mad on-the-nose. His expression kind of says that already. Also, you used the word "boneyard" to describe the graveyard for some reason. Nothing wrong with this per se but it reads strange following a slug with a completely different name.

I think you can tighten up your writing in more or less simple fashion but I think your dialogue needs a lot of work. That's where I had the most issues certainly and it painted the script's tone more than anything else did as far as I'm concerned. The on-the-nose stuff and references need to go whereas other lines just need to be rephrased.

I realize this is only your second script so perhaps I've been needlessly harsh. Sorry for that if that's the case but I feel like most writers want to know these things. I also feel like there's many changes you can make to improve this one significantly. Hope this helps.
Posted by: Busy Little Bee, July 31st, 2013, 7:17pm; Reply: 35
Hey, Pale Yellow, it seems as though you have enough reviews, advice, and critiques. So, I'm not trying to be behind on your next project. Is there anything of yours I can look forward too?

Thanks, BLB
Posted by: Pale Yellow, July 31st, 2013, 7:41pm; Reply: 36
I work like a mad woman busy little bee...just wrote one actually called Bee Boy :) reminds me of your handle there! It's kinda creepy though! I'm turning it into a feature now :) On page 60 something but the short is on here under OWC ;)

Thanks for askin!
Posted by: Pale Yellow, September 25th, 2018, 7:53pm; Reply: 37
Ok .. recently I had a chance to make a ZOMBIE short film for a local festival... anyway, I WANTED so much to rewrite this script into a short film... however... the finished product did not have the girl bonding with the zombie as in this one... but here is our first teaser trailer.
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