The Messenger by Darren Tomlin (darrenjames) - Short, Thriller - A detective in the 80's questions the serial killer he helped track down about his victims. Their meeting will have profound effects on the present. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Darren.

Notes first:

-Is Det. Brook pristine? or the car?
-McKinley is skipping?
-lot of characters for a short

There are a lot of other things to point out, but they were adding up too fast. Hopefully you'll catch them on rewrite, get some more input from others.

Not a bad effort, Darren, though this one needs a ton of polish with the dialogue and the writing. I'm surprised considering how well crafted your OWC was. I do think this story needs some other element to separate it from the many other similar tales, including the movie Seven. I think you could continue to tweak things so that the converting of Brooks to a Messenger, which is an effective premise, is a little more convincing.

I'm also not sure about what happens to Abigail. Why is she naked? I mean if they are simply doing God's work in punishing her, why strip her naked? This makes it seem more that they are using her sins as an excuse to justify their perversion, which is not something set up at all.

In fact, are they going to kill her? Why imprison and torture her? Isn't that for the afterlife?

I'm also a little uncomfortable with her as victim based on Joe's explanation of their work, how leaving sinners alive only hurts their families. Abigail has a daughter, and it seems the pain inflicted on her far outweighs the sin of adultery.

Just my thoughts, Darren. Keep working this! I'll check back if you revise it.

Yeah, should have said its a first draft written a few months back (my first effort in fact and an overly ambitious one perhaps) and exactly why I posted it here so people like your goodself can help me polish it up.

It's something I am hoping to stretch out into a feature (hence the character count).

I haven't got a problem with the dialogue, Joe is meant to be well spoken and wordy (being a well educated psychopath lol)

Your observation about Seven is a well placed one, this was inspired by it and thats the feel I am aiming for.

There are some Dante's Inferno references. Abigail is naked because of her sins of lust and adultery - the cold and ice is the punishment in hell for those kind of sinners (the reference of twisting heads around earlier on hinted at poetic methods based around Dante's Inferno)

As for her being a victim, yeah its a bitch but, to paraphrase:
BROOK
What about their (the families) suffering?
JOE
We�re helping them! Their loved ones had died long before they were punished by us!
They no longer have to watch the evil of mankind masquerading in the bodies of their family and friends.

Thats the point of Joe (then Brook), he has this insane idea of what is more important - he thinks he would be doing Abigail's daughter a FAVOUR!
He's a mad serial killer after all lol.

As usual, your input is invaluable and welcomed :)

P.S. Brook is Pristine, still working out commas, and to "Skip alongside" as in "trying to keep up" - must be a transatlantic thing? I'll change it to "tries to keep up"!

Really well written, good job. Strong dialogue and wonderful description.

Enjoyed the story.

Hope this gets found and gets made.

Nice work with the website, Darren. Very impressive.

Thanks skp1987, hope you enjoy your time here!

The website thing is pretty cool, Michael pointed me to it, it's free to set one up and dead easy (I mean, I managed it lol!) and you can pay to have the ads removed if you really want to.

Hey Darren,

Glad to take a gander at more of your work.
You've done a nice job of establishing your presence here.
It's good to have fresh meat for the SS grinder.

P. 1 LAKE and BROOK. Hmmm, coincidence? Doubt it. ;D

Pretty much from the get go, I feel bogged down with superfluous detail.
Choreographed body language and landscape details fill the page.
This feels like a first draft of something bigger, even on the first page.

P. 8 First dialogue on page. You wrote "Yell", but I think you meant "Tell".

This is a pretty good run, though encumbered by a lot of minutia.
Lake is superfluous So are Abigail's words to the sitter, etc.
But I would like to know how that ending came to be. ;)

I'd check out a new draft. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Cheers E.D.
Thanks for the typo heads up! will fix next draft.

Yeah its a first draft, working on the next one when I'm in the mood for it (it is pretty dark) and I'll be trimming the fat - it's on of the things I need to stop myself from over descriptions, I know why I do it - I'm an avid roleplayer and detailed, atmospheric, overdone descriptions are part of that kind of narration! Need to stop it bleeding into my writing.

The ending was based upon a short film I saw where a lawyer was persuaded by his client to take the blame for the murder to get him off the hook.
It was a "two people in a room" piece and it always stuck with me.

The superfluous text I'm not sure it is that bad, it felt "real" to me, setting Abigail up as a 'normal' person then having her have this affair I felt was a necessary contrast - she comes across as quite likeable (IMHO) and then she cheats on her husband and her child and does this through an innocent sitter.
A little trimming would never hurt though :D

Thanks for the read, the opinion of the forum regulars is always appreciated.

Daz

MAJOR SPOILER

My main concern was the tranformation of Brook into the Stranger through Joe's mind games, it's a long character journey over so few pages so... not sure.

Quoted from darrentomalin ***MAJOR SPOILER*** My main concern was the tranformation of Brook into the Stranger through Joe's mind games, it's a long character journey over so few pages so... not sure.

Yeah, I didn't totally get that.
I thought it might have been some supernatural force that made the link.
But you got me curious as to how we got to that ending! ;D

E.D.

Hey Darren,

This was a good short, nicely written overall but I have to wonder about the ending?

SPOILER

I think I am being an idiot again but what’s new.  Although I liked the revelation at the end I didn’t understand how Brooks became the messenger, what drove him to become this after being so against it?

I agree with previous posters that Lake is unneeded as is the scene when Abigail is on the phone to Jenny.  There was also no actual conclusion, maybe if we see the stranger kill Abigail and then be revealed. It might have a bigger impact for the reader...

I liked Joe, a very intellectual and well-breed serial killer, reminded me of Hannibal Lector a bit which for me always a good thing because that was such a good character.

I am not criticising this as I think this is one of the better shorts I have read on here and just like your series Egders, this has potential.  Look forward to reading a rewrite if you decide to do one.

Good luck and keep writing

Steve

Thanks Steve.

SPOILER

Yeah, I think this needs expanding a bit, the jounrye that sends Brook over the edge is quite rushed and contrived with hind sight.
Lake was going to have a bigger part but I decided to keep it simply between Joe and Brook (and ultimately Abigail)
He should be an unnamed "Brook's Partner" perhaps, it just seemed odd that a detective turned up alone so he's scenery really now.

The conversation between Abigail and her sitter serves two purposes - to give us an insight into what abigail does with her everyday life, to give her purpose outside of the script rather than just being in the wrong place at the wrong time, it's an attempt to set her up as an "everywoman"

Secondly, it establishes that she woujld even lie to her own daughter to continue her affair, I needed the call or something to establish that she is married with a family rather than just have her mention it over pillow talk with her lover.
It was meant to give voice to her other life.

The premise was that Brook was turned by Joe, driven over the edge, he became the messenger and continued Joe's work, Joe pulled his strings, predominantly the accident that killed his family and the futility of his work, but it needs expanding I think, give the arc a few more pages so it's more gradual.
The cutting back and forth to Brook's meeting could take place over several meetings rather than one visit?
Worth a rewrite at some stage!

Thanks for reading.

Hi Darren,

I took a look at your script. I thought it was quite well written. I'm not sure how new you are to screenwriting but the fluidity of your action and the natural sound of your dialogue leads me to believe this isn't your first attempt. I also thought your story worked for what it is. It had strong pacing and an interesting arrangement of dramatic beats. The details in your description only helped enhance the atmosphere.

That said, while I think you told an effective story, I have to say it was incredibly contrived. While it doesn't rip off any particular work, the plot and character archetypes are so cliched and by the numbers, it almost seems like you planned it that way. Even the use of the Divine Comedy. While I take no issue with the work itself, it's such a cheap and obvious choice of literature to inject intellectualism into the story. And your coffee reference... cops gotta have coffee, right? Right...

I think you get away with it (to a point) due to the strength of your writing. But while your voice is present in your craft, it's not at all present in any aspect of the narrative. This was disappointing to me, especially since I don't much care for police procedurals. Not that I can't spot a good one from an objective standpoint but they're still not for me.

Joe is a stereotypical well-educated villain ala Hannibal Lector/Joe Doe... but all things considered, I suppose that's fine. While I have my reservations as to the extent you emulated those types of characters, those characters are prime specimens for emulation because of how interesting and well developed they are.

I'd change up his appearance though. The bald head just screams Kevin Spacey. Somehow, I think you knew that already.

Brook and Abigail are a little more problematic for me because the archetypes they embody are inherently flawed. Brook is that classic detective model that can't keep a lid on his emotions/morals (Law & Order SVU's Christopher Meloni is my vote for the archetype's biggest culprit). I've always taken issue with this. If anything, it'd seem to me detectives might be a little more jaded. But maybe that's not the greatest angle to take if you want a more sympathetic character. So I'd suggest you make Brook a consummate professional and have him do a better job at keeping his feelings in check for the sake of getting into Joe's head and solving the case. Calling Joe a nutcase before he even enters the institution isn't the best way to start.

I think refining Brook's character would also make his breakdown more interesting. If he comes in more composed, he's more of a challenge for Joe and thus, Brook's breakdown would be more indicative of Joe's power.

I did like the fact that Joe used Brook's emotions to break him down BTW. It seems hypocritical on his part as he uses others' negative emotions rather than his own moral codes and sense of righteousness to manipulate people... but I liked that too.

As for Abigail... *sighs*

This is the oldest trick in the book, man. Give a character a kid and assume that's enough to make them sympathetic. Nope! Doesn't work. It's just cheap. If anything, an adulteress with a family is less sympathetic, especially when we don't know the circumstances.

Anyway, I suppose I'll wrap up here. I think you should take it upon yourself to rework Brook and Abigail's characters. Your call on Joe but I would honestly do the same. As for the overall contrived nature of the script, it seems that you've already kind of embraced that... which is fine. You're the writer. But I figured I should bring that to your attention because if you want to do anything along the lines of changing it, you'll have already written yourself into a corner.

At the end of the day though, it's a solid effort and if you accomplished what you set out to do with it, I'd it's a success.

Hope this helps.

As I go:
Page 1: “Never thought I’d have to visit this nut case.”  This line feels a little clumsy to me.  As exposition, it gives at least one point of unnecessary information: obviously, the guy he’s coming to visit is a nut case.  It’s a mental institution.  I think this might be an opportunity for different expository information.  For example, “Never thought I’d see him again” would let us know they have past history.  Small thought.  Second, though, the entire line could be considered unnecessary.  He’s there; he’s obviously going to visit someone.  Your visuals are telling your story well, and I don’t think your dialogue necessarily needs to repeat it.  Might be able to get something else into this line instead.

Page 2:  The “serial killer” exposition could feel a little clumsy to me too.  There might be a better way?  Just a thought.
The interplay is good here.   Nice defined characters.  Good stuff.

Page 4: Nice.  This kicks off nicely.  I’m likin’ this.

Page 5:  I thought Cassie was a girl at first.  For what it’s worth.  I wouldn’t mention it but since you have Marcus say “…if you told him”, this gave me a drastically wrong opinion of Abigail for a few seconds.  
EDIT: Oh, I see Cassie was actually cheating.  The way it’s written, it’s as though “tell him” applies to Cassie.  See what I mean?  I thought Abigail was hiding her new guy from Cassie, not a husband.  I dunno.  Maybe I’m just confused today…

Page 6:  This is an interesting take on a serial killer who believes in God.  A willingness to damn oneself in order to take vengeance on other wrongdoers doesn’t seem particularly internally coherent.  If Joe believes in God then he believes that those he killed were already going to Hell; how can he help that situation by damning himself as well?  I would think that ordinarily a serial killer who believed in God would see it as God’s bidding to kill people, and therefore as morally permissible to do so.  If Joe sees himself as a martyr, that’s interesting, but isn’t that dependent on Joe believing that he changed something by killing these people?  And wouldn’t he recognize that sinners would go to Hell either way, and that therefore his killing them early changed nothing?  It’s fine if his beliefs are logically incoherent, as long as you intend them to be.  I’m just wondering if you do.  Or perhaps I’ve reasoned it wrong.
An interesting angle might be that Joe felt he was saving the souls of those wronged by the people he killed by taking their vengeance on himself and thereby removing their temptation.

Page 7: Its not it’s.

Page 8: Tell not yell.  

Page 9:  For what it’s worth, I don’t care about Abigail all that much.  She neglected her kid to come sleep with some dude, and she’s married.  To me, it would be necessary for there to be dialogue between her and her lover to explicate the reasons she feels an affair is justified.  If her husband’s a bad dude, it’d be a lot easier to identify with her.  If you want us to identify with her.  I get that it’s probably a fine line, as she’s presumably gonna be killed on ground of immorality.  Wouldn’t the story have more oomph, then, if the punishment was made to seem maximally overzealous by being minimally deserved?  That is, the more we can understand why she cheated, the less we can understand the killer’s point of view.  If you wanted to go the opposite direction with this, and really call into question whether the vigilantism is justified, I would think the killer should have chosen a murderer or someone guilty of a more important crime.  As it is, it seems you want us to take her side; might as well go full force with it.

Page 10:  “You, from the taxi.”  The “from the taxi” seems highly unnecessary.  We remember.

Page 12:  Brook’s kinda an idiot, eh?  I mean, sure, you don’t want someone dissing your dead daughter, but we’d hope for a little more discretion from a cop.  I get where you’re going here – Joe’s right, Brook does wish he could kill rather than jail – but murdering Joe is so rampantly unjustified in this situation that it kinda overshadows the moral choice therein.  I think Joe needs to have killed Brook’s daughter – which is cliché – or at least have a lot more complicated backstory with Brook, in order for Brook to fly that much off the handle.  This story hinges on Brook’s incitement to attempt murder being believable with Brook as a rational, cool-headed police officer.

Thoughts:

Well, the main problem here is that we've seen most of it before; characters and situation.  I think what's really interesting about your script is the attachment of Brook's decision to Abigail's life.  I like that a lot.  

James' notes above, which I quickly skimmed just now, are about in line with how I feel about the characters.  They just need to be different.  They just need to stand out.  Don't care how you do it, just...more interesting.

The script is tight, well-paced, well-written...it's a good piece of work.  But you can go a lot further with it, in my opinion.  Give the characters more original voices.  Make sure all aspects of the script are aimed directly at Brook's choice, because that's what the entire story hinges on.  Make sure Brook's choice ends up being believable, something that many of the audience could imagine themselves doing.  

There's no easy answer here as to how specifically to improve on this already solid work, but I hope some of the above ideas help.

Thanks!  Enjoyed reading that.

Chris

Thanks Chris, I'm relaly pleased with what everyone has been saying so far, some great advice.
I'm deffinitely going back to this at some stage, tighten the dialogue, redifine Joe so he is less like John Doe from seven (not sure how yet!) and stretch Brook's arc out so it's more beleiveable that he had time to become Joe's protege.
The point of him exploding and attacking Joe was because he is cracked, wounded and a little mental himself (the perfect candidate) from having his daughter and wife die.

A word on what/why Joe is doing - He is sinning to punish the sinners, to remove them from a world which he hates, turning their own weapons against them at the cost of his own soul, this is his message.
He speaks of accepting his hell, he knows he is sinning but is willing to make that sacrifice to punish the wicked by sending them to hell.
How else would a mad man justify these kind of actions?

Thanks again for the read.

Daz

Darren

This was an impressive piece, I enjoyed it. Reminded me primarily of Seven whilst having some similarities to the incarcerated Hannibal Lector scenes from Manhunter, Red Dragon and Silence of the Lambs particularly since they take place in the 80s too.

The exchanges between Joe and rook were intense, so much so that I felt slightly frustrated when you jumped back and forth between it and the contemporary scenes which (for understandable reasons) weren’t as immediately gripping. Don’t get me wrong I liked the juxtaposition and you couldn’t have a cause without an effect but the strength of the piece lies overwhelmingly in the 80s scenes.

You got me believing that Joe could turn Brook into the monster he becomes, he was a powerful and persuasive force but I guess I wanted more of a connection to Abigail, some link between her and Brook or possibly Joe just to give it that extra twist. Perhaps I’m being too picky and wanting it to tie up more dramatically thus inviting the all-too-coincidental accusation.

From the logline I see that your aim was to show the gruesome effects of one confrontation between two people on the life of another (relatively) innocent individual a generation later, that unforeseeable pattern of events, the changing of hands, the continuation of a grizzly legacy from the most unexpected person imaginable and the eventual consequences. In that respect you achieved it and most importantly, I never saw the twist coming.

Well done.

Col.

Thanks Col, appreciate the feedback.
Some kind of connection between Abigail and Brook/Joe would be a good idea but I'd have to make it subtle rather than something forced.
I juggled with the idea of Abigail being Joe's daughter and Joe actually manipulating Brook later on into making her a target (his work is more important than family) - good in the respect that it mirrors what Brook lost but a bit too on the nose.
Also, would have needed some more pages to make work.
Thanks again, I'll check out one of yours from your signature when I get the time.
Daz

No worries, its always a pleasure to give feedback on a script you enjoyed reading.

Thanks for the offer of returning the favour. I'll be posting a script in the coming days so if you want keep an eye out for it but don't feel obligated.

Col.

I was really into this.  Flew right through it.  I especially loved the dialog.  Really, really good in some parts.

I think Joe was a good villain.  Very creepy.  We didn't get details on who he killed but we get the idea.  A serial Killer Vigilante.  

My two issues were:  Brooks turing into the messenger.  Was that some kind of supernatural switch when they fell to the floor in the hospital?  If so, I missed it. I think Brook's switch from a good guy detective to a killer needs to be more clear.  Also, I didn't hate Joe even though he was a killer because he killed people who did horrible things.  Now I'm not condoning adultery but to me that isn't a serial killer worthy crime.  And what made him seek her out?  Just felt random.  You have something that was mentioned that may help show Brook's motivation.  His daughter was killed by a drunk driver.  I'd buy him killing for that type of crime more than adultery.  Just a thought.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this.  It was a great read.  Nice work!!

Darren,

I read this all the way through, then went to the comments, so I was able to get a lot of your intentions with the story and what not.  First off, I'm a huge, and I mean HUGE fan...  of naked women.  So thanks for giving us that.  :)

As i read through this the thoughts that went through my head were this: Silence of the Lambs had intercourse with Fraility and named their baby The Messenger.  Both of those films are top notch, few would argue that, so I really see no problems from an inspiration standpoint.  

Understanding this is a first draft, and that you are perhaps considering extending this to a feature - talk about work cut out for you - I would have to say the dialogue needs to be VERY thoroughly thought through - try that in a sentence sometime.  I read this like you just top of the headed it, maybe backspacing here and there, but really it just kind of flowed out.  

Bottom line for me is this.  I loved the ending and the twist its comprised of.  Truly.  I'm sure its not the first time someone has attempted it, but if you really focus on developing these characters, spend AMPLE time structuring the dialogue to a point so sharp its cuts the eye when reading it, then I think you can move some numbers with it.  

Overall, 5 out of 10 with the potential to be a 14.  Low five!