Hi Mom! by Vin Conzo (conz) - Short, Comedy - A look back at one man's unorthodix rise to fame. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

bring it.

This was 'ok' for me. I chuckled a bit ....and sort of funny how it started and where he's ended up by the end of your story. The mom joke was kinda I dunno....I didn't really like it but I'm not much of a comedy fan. The logline...it definitely was an unorthodox way to fame....did you mean to misspell unorthodox??? Easy read until I got to the part where it starts flipping around, one minute he's in an interview with Heidi then all the other scenes start. But I got it. A few things ..minor things I found are below:

pg 1 misspelled story

pg 1 "as to listen to a question from someone off camera" think this could sound better if written differently

pg 1 after the last youtube video thing, I think you could lose the dialogue from Drunk Frat Dude

pg 3 "An Indian Family sit" ...should be sits(I think)

pg 6 INT. Late Night - Night....is this the set of late night or what??

typo in logline - if it's even a logline.

I think I used the British spelling of storey, honestly never knew if it was spelled differently and that was the first thing that came up on google.

Late Night is a talk show

thanks.

Interesting. Felt like I've seen it before but held my interest. Didn't laugh at all but wasn't bored either.

As it stands, it was kind of average.  I wasn't wowed by it but I didn't hate it either.  I didn't get any laughs out of it but I could tell you were joking.  I don't think it was that important that we should get big laughs either, the story kind of works and would probably work even better if you threw in a bit more drama.  

Besides that I saw two problems.  

The first was the ending.  It was slightly predictable and on top of that, I as a reader didn't really care who his mother was.  So you have to make me want to know who his mother is, somehow.

The second was that the main character wasn't interesting enough.  I know he's got this one trick pony thing going but that doesn't mean his character shouldn't hold our interest.  If you take care of the first problem you may have already solved this problem.

Good luck with it.  

Loved it!  Well done.  

is it acceptable to say "i wasnt really trying to write all that interesting a character?"

I mean, it's really a skit I guess, I'm not looking to create deep characers here, it's just a one-off little segment.

thanks though.

Hey Vin,

Nice to see something new from the Skit King!
You should show your mug around here more often.

The Jolly Lamas, now that's a funny title.
Another agreeable skit, reads decent despite the aforementioned snafus.
I kinda saw Ethan as Tim Allen's sidekick from "Home Improvement".

Write a few more of these and you'll have your own Kentucky Fried Movie! ;D

Regards,
E.D.

I try to come here once a day, i open a script, leave it in a tab and just never get around to it, that's why i mostly hang around the shorts board, so i can actually give some feedback from time to time.

I have bookmarks of most of the people who read my stuff in the past, I'll read them... someday.

Hey Vin,

I liked that. It had a wackiness about it, went in a direction I didn't expect and was fast paced.

Yeah there are a few issues, but they've been mentioned and most scripts do.

I think the end was the weakest element to me. As a suggestion maybe he doesn't know his mother, hence why he says hello. Maybe he has searched for her? Could be a touching element to a clown type figure.

If you remember Chaplin, he went from farce/slapstick to deep, thoughtful.  This could be a character arc for your chap.

All the best.

quick thought while reading this. have the red headed host say, "so you played me" instead of "so you played yourself"

alright, i'm finished. this was okay for me as well. to be honest, i didnt think the writing flowed very well. each scene felt very disconnected (even though they're supposed to have a fluid movement). all the jumping around (especially in and out of the studio) was a bit jarring.

the biggest problem for me was this skit is all over the place. it moves in so many directions. it loses its humor as it loses its focus. when you rewrite it, i'd tighten it up and make it more concise.

another problem for me dealt with why this guy was so famous. i realize you set the first scene in 2006 (which was very smart), but i dont think he would become so popular by simply waving in the background. now i could be wrong given the fact that michael cera started his career by photobombing celebs. but still, it doesnt make for an interesting read. i would have the protag do one really funny thing in the background again and again. you could argue that he waves and says hi mom, but not only is that not funny but its accompanied by him making crude gestures, walking down pretend stairs, etc. if he JUST waved to the camera and said hi mom, then the ending would be much more poignant.

not a bad effort by any means. just restrain your writing in some areas and focus it in others.

i actually kept that montage through the talk shows like that b/c i knew it would get called out.

How would you write that, b/c I'm not really sure how.

Do you do the "OVER ACTION" mini slug thing there?  obviously if this was filmed, the shots would just blend into one another without anything breaking them up, I just don't really know how to do and make it as fast a read as possible.

and penguin, I guess I wasjust going for how stupid crap from the internet blows up.  We haven't necessarily made many stars from the internet just yet, but if that Fred kid can get a movie, who knows.  also, that dialogue change is solid.

I had mixed feelings about this one.

I have to agree with Will (albinopenguin) that none of Ethan's on-camera stuff was funny. I laughed at "Baba booey" but only because it's such a pathetically dated reference, it's almost more dated than "Hi mom" and everything else that actually predates it. That said, I can't say if that's a success or failure on your part. The Internet thrives on random/"you had to be there" humor so who knows? Something utterly unfunny could indeed become a big hit. Wouldn't be the first time.

I thought it was a little strange that Heidi actually stopped to inform Ethan that he was on the air. Newscasters kinda have to keep their composure, don't they? I think it'd be both more realistic and more funny if she just stood there and looked uncomfortable while Ethan did his thing.

Anyway, what follows the initial setup, I like. To a point. I really don't buy how big Ethan blows up. Okay. So we do have a few Internet celebrities that this point that survived the usual "flavor of the month" limelight. But how successful are they, really? Lisa Nova got plucked for SNL, a couple of the big ones got South Park nods, Tosh.0 appearances and maybe a good chunk now get paid to produce content on the Internet that nobody cares about. (Lisa Nova trumps Fred kid, BTW; practically no one saw that movie).

So there you have it. SNL is your ceiling. With that in mind, can we really say any Internet celebs are bonafide stars? Even second/third-tier stars? Even... Molly Shannon recognizable?

Sorry to make such a huge stink but the simplicity of Ethan's gag suggests a realism that just isn't copacetic with the magnitude of his success. Doesn't work.

That said... national news coverage is fair game. Even talk shows. Just scale back what you got.

I like the final line. I wasn't expecting and it's delivered in such a dead pan style that it doesn't suggest any [insert dark punchline] ambitions, intentional or unintentional, at all. In other words, it's smooth. A good closer.

I have to wonder how well it would've worked if anything here was actually funny. Maybe it'd work less. Maybe the dated gags and nameless actually compliment the cleverness of the last line. I don't know. Haven't decided.

Not really sure how to some this up. The setup's kinda meh but the punchline works. A success? Sure, I suppose. Not sure what you had in mind though.

standard, cliche guy on tv line - "Hi Mom."

standard, cliche thing to yell behind newscast - "Baba Booey!"

I had no intention on being original on those fronts.  If I tried my own lines there, it wouldn't have made as much sense imo, and chances are you'd be saying the same things.

it's a fictional 7 page story, the internet loves stupid stuff, morons like Kim Kardashian are the most famous people in the world, blah blah, etc etc.  that's all I was really going for.

thanks.

Quoted from Conz is it acceptable to say "i wasnt really trying to write all that interesting a character?" I mean, it's really a skit I guess, I'm not looking to create deep characers here, it's just a one-off little segment. thanks though.

It's acceptable to say that.  

I got a bit more from it when I read it.  Maybe that's why I didn't realize it was a skit.  It sort of has this melancholic undertone to it that's pulling it toward drama.  Like a sad clown (as someone stated above).  It's a good thing and if you wanted to take it in that direction, you probably could successfully.  

But since you want a skit, I would try to remove the stuff that drags it into drama, tighten it and point it toward the laughs.

hey Conz,

i would LOVE to help you with your formatting, but to be honest, it's a little over my head. you would need to ask someone who's more experienced than I am. all i know is that it didn't read very smoothly. when i run into these situations i tend to re-imagine ways in which i could recreate the scenes and still have the same effect. most of the time, i end up scaling everything down. so perhaps that would work here. i definitely agree with everything that James is saying. furthermore i LOVE how you're trying to exploit internet celebs. just focus on that a bit more

I'm surprised you have to explain this Conz.  Perhaps if you put a vampire or two in it, then your script would be receiving high praise!  hahahaha....

The story is a rags to riches affair based on the lunacy of today's internet culture, and its a good one.

I'm going to have to disagree with you "TheSecond." I don't think it embody's the lunacy of today's internet culture at all. It has the potential to do so, but simply waving to the camera isn't enough. Even phrases like "boom goes the dynamite" were somewhat unique.

I once took a comedy class in college that taught us that comedy is simply taking one element of every day life and making it abnormal. i hate to classify "fred" as comedy, but the theory explains why he is so popular amongst tweens. he talks in a super high pitched voice. nothing more, nothing less.

in a way, this is why monty python was so popular. they featured sketches where one guy walks funny. thats it. and it worked to an extent.

Consider the Budweiser meme, whazzzz uuuuppp.  That is just as simple as Hi Mom and every last mullet I know was imitating it.  Not trying to split hairs.  Perhaps we have different perspectives of culture.  All good.  

same here TS. by no means am i trying to start an argument. so my sincerest apologies

to comment on your "whazzzzzzz uuuppp" meme, even that had a different ring to it. if the characters in those commercials just said "what's up" then no one would have imitated it. in the same way, "hi mom" is not absurd in any way. then again, if the character said, "hey-o mumsie!" then it would have stuck out a little. the only reason i bring this up is to inspire the writer.