The Takeover by Chazz Christopher - Comedy - Friendship comes first - no matter what. 127 pages - pdf, format 8)

That is not a logline. Not getting the script either. I'm not laughing and I think I should be.

Here is the real logline:

"When Chechen rebels take over JFK airport and take a TSA agent hostage, his 3 best friends must overcome 25 years of friendship, pull together a rag-tag bunch of insurgents (including Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson) and fight to get their friend back - no matter the cost."



BASIC PLOT:

Vince (TSA agent), Joe (baggage handler), Tom and Randy (both flight attendants) have been friends since they were 7.  They grew up and all ended up working at JFK airport in NYC.  Their friendship has been through ups and downs and at this point, their friendship is aiming down.

Randy gets the promotion that both he and Tom were up for (and that Tom is more qualified for).  Joe is a pot-smoking philosophical douchebag who believes himself to be on a higher IQ level than his friends and resents that his lot in life are THESE friends.  Vince is just a nice guy who is 3 days away from his wedding.  Randy resents that Vince is getting married because Randy himself just came out of a long-term relationship.

Because of all the infighting amongst the friends, they all blow off Vince's bachelor party.

The next day, they head into work, not knowing that Chechen rebels have been planning on a take over of the airport.

Viktor Ivanov is the leader of the Chechen terrorists.  He is a strong, powerful man who will stop at nothing to get what he wants.  And he enjoys showtunes and ABBA.  A lot.

When the terrorists take over the airport, Viktor takes Vince hostage, personally.  

When Randy and Tom hear that their friend has been taken hostage, they spring into action and get Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson to help them get their friend back.  They head into the airport, find Joe (and a couple of his baggage handler co-workers) and they go to find Vince and save him from the terrorists.

Meanwhile, FBI Agent Wallace is working on negotiating the terrorists demands from the outside.

From there, all hell breaks loose.



I think this is a viable high-concept big budget Rated-R action/comedy.  The problem right now is that the ensuing event (The TakeOver) happens at page 23.  I'd love for it to happen sooner - you know, page 12-15 somewhere in there - but I can't figure out how to set up the complexities of the friendships (they're all pissed at each other for various reasons), set up all the characters (it is an ensemble comedy, though I'd say Randy is the character whose arc sets him up as the main character), etc.

I'd love to get more eyes on this one.  

Thanks for reading/considering helping.

Chazz

I'll try to read it again. High concept...terrorists take over an airport? Been done even if it wasn't a comedy. Why would Chechen's take over JFK? Even though it's a comedy there should be solid reason unless it's an over-the-top comedy like an old Mel Brooks or Airplane type. The terrorist act de jour is to just blow themselves up.





And I suspect the Chechens will be white? The new Rainbow Six game has white terrorists. We all play it safe these days don't we?

The way to get in sooner is to put back story in later not early. It took 17 minutes for us to see Hans Gruber's crew show up at Nakatomi Plaza. By then we knew some things about John McClain but not everything.

I read the first 10 pages or so. First, your formatting looks off for some reason. Maybe it's just me but there seems to be something off with the margins.

For 126 pages, this is way long for a comedy. After looking at the first 10 pages, I can see why. You write very blocky character/room descriptions. Some of it is unnecessary.

For example, the character description for Tom says he is OCD. This info is unnecessary because the dialogue below shows how OCD he is.

Your first page is underwhelming because you spend 90% of it in room/character description. I get the establishing shot on the first slug, but your second slug is unnecessary in my opinion. Establish that they are in JFK, then cut to the office right away.

The character descriptions for Tom and Randy are excessive. So much of this stuff is cuttable.

I haven't read the inciting incident yet, but the reason why your inciting incident is in page 23 as you say rather than the sweet spot at pages 10-15 is because of your excessive descriptions. Cut those down and you can easily push the inciting incident in the sweet spot.

Good thoughts, Cooky!  Thanks!  I'll take a look at that later.

Martini, there is of course a solid reason as to why the rebels are taking over the airport.  And yes they are white - because Chechen rebels are white.  Plus - the ultimate reason for the take over ends up being something that African or Arabic rebels would most likely not realistically be a part of.

So, 17 minutes in for Die Hard...though, to be fair, they don't actually take over the building till much later.  To me, Act Two begins with the beginning of the take over.  But on the other hand some screenwriting instructional calls for the ensuing incident to happen 12-15 and then 15-30 be set up for the 2nd act.  Yet in films (especially action films) that rarely, if ever, happens.  

I do agree that 126 pages is too long (though to be fair, the last 7 pages are during the credits).  Still 119 pages before "THE END" is too much.  I hope, on the next draft, to cut to 110-ish.

I've written 5 screenplays since this one - so it'll be fun, interesting to see what some of you guys have to say about it, plus the experience of writing several more scripts and put that into the rewrite on this one!

Thanks for taking a look.  I look forward to someone reading the rest of the script!

Chazz

Chazz, The boards are a bit of give and take. To get reads, you should read work from others. Look for board members with alot of posts. And make sure any script you may read to give feedback has the author active on its thread. A ton of scripts get dropped here without the writer ever showing up to comment.

I agree with above that your margins are off a bit. They're too narrow, especially on the left. Set them proper and this page count will go down. Also, turn off the (Continued)/Continued that pops up at the top and bottoms of your pages. Might knock off 5-10 pages of this script and its not necessary. Should be a way to de-activate it in whatever software you use.

James

Here is a link to the newest draft of this script.

http://yousend.it/sliiWj

Story is similar, but through reformatting and cutting out some over-writing of descriptions, action, etc., I cut 15 pages.  I'm down to 111.

Hope you guys enjoy.

Chazz

congrats on locking down the Rock, must have been a tough process.

It was, Conz, but my people know his people.  It's all good.

Chazz