$ex $ells by Josh Bushman - Series, Dark Comedy - Russ, a stay at home dad is having trouble trying to get back in the video industry after a five year hold on his old career. Meanwhile his brother Chad is a want-to-be porn star that has a bad attitude and ends up getting fired for doing something unspeakable. They both meet up at their Fathers funeral and end up on the subject of jobs, then idea of working in the pornography industry together is put on the table.  - pdf, format 8)

Hey Josh,

This is an interesting concept, a series in the porn industry and something if done right could be very funny.

This has a lot of issues I'm afraid to say, the main one being that throughout the whole 24 pages you are telling this story and not showing us which makes it a hard read.

You have to work on your grammar, this is filled with mistakes and has too many to even think about starting to look at them individually.

One major gripe i had with your writing was the way you described Russell. You kept calling him Russ after the first initial introduction which looks totally unprofessional IMO. It's fine for other characters to call him that but for the writer to use slang like you have, it doesn't look right to me.

You also have a few long paragraphs which look blocky and should be cut down. I also think your slugs look wrong and lazy IMO.

Was it funny? a few moments gave me a chuckle like " whips it round like a tornado" but there wasn't enough in this to keep me entertained and all the errors made it difficult for me to enjoy it if I'm honest. Hope you understand what i mean and this helps if you plan to rewrite it.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve