Para-para Dancer by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - Good enough to win any para-para dance contest they enter, betrayal threatens to tear the dance group apart. - pdf, format 8)

FADE TO.
Should be:
FADE IN:

There's around six other sexily dressed small groups of GIRLS up on the stage with them, but they're out of the way on the sides.
Is too long. Either shorten it or take it out altogether. Do you really need this in at all?

FADE TO.
Should be:
FADE TO:

INT. NIGHTCULB - NEXT
Next what?

They're quickly putting on their coats and changing out of their high heels into more comfortable trainers, getting ready to leave.
Could be:
The girls change into etc... (just anything shorter)

She let's go off him
Should be:
She lets go of him.

Overall the dialogue seems to be a bit bland. The descriptions are a bit over long, and wander - they need tightening up some.

I can't really figure it out though - are you writing this because you have something to say, or are you doing this beause you can, or is it an excercise in writing? I didn't really get a sense of purpose with it.

you forgot page numbers

this isnt a feature length (as you state on the cover page)

try to eliminate -ing verbs. the girls are not dancing. instead, they dance.

i'm a few pages in and i'm really not hooked. quite bored to be honest with you. dialogue needs some spicing up. very generic and a bit too on the nose. some of the conversations don't make any sense at all. why would someone laugh after saying "i know" unless hannah is some sadistic b itch.

almost half way through. the dialogue is so incredibly bland and boring. i really want to stop but i'll keep going.

why would lee even tell hannah that he's had sex with chelsea...especially at such an "opportune" time. that was sarcasm btw

FLO
Oh fuck. Why has this had to happen.

^just wanted to point this one out. not going to say anything about it though.

about 3/4's through and its getting to the point where i'm laughing now. are you a troll Simon/Kyle? if not, your man card has expired.

finished it. well you completely ignored the hannah/lee dilemma. goes completely unresolved.

i'll comment more if you join the boards. but for now, no. just, no.

I love the Slug, "INT. NIGHTCULB - NEXT"  - A typo like that is beyond excusable...and, "NEXT"?   ;D ;D ;D

Sorry, but this is really bad in just about every way imaginable.

Happy Holidays!

Hey Simon,

Agree with Dreamscale afraid to say, to start with "FADE TO" is bad enough but that first slug is pretty terrible. Sorry!

Good luck and keep writing.

Merry Christmas.

Steve.