The Standard of Truth by Raymond Kwok - Thriller - A hedge fund manager swindles his investors out of a hundred million dollars. A few days later he is found murdered. Maria, a young Latino associate in a high powered Manhattan law firm, sets out to find the truth, in a twisting tale of greed, corruption, prejudice and violence, that will leave you guessing until the very end.  103 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Raymond,

Thought i would give this a glance over as it's Christmas and i am really quiet at work.

It's not a good start with no fade in and doesn't get any better with the first slug, nighttime, it just needs to be night. You seem to be directing the action as well which isn't your job as the writer.

The second slug doesn't get any better, don't put the time in the slug and it's around 9:30! It obviously doesn't matter what the time is and why not just office or Adam Goodman's office?

Also lots of grammar issues and more directing the shots, another slug, another time! Your first character intros lack description IMO, maybe even an age, something. Get rid of the continues on top of the pages as well, it doesn't look good. I'll stop there for now i think. Maybe not, you have cut down the paragraphs, keep them at 4 lines or less.

I have had to stop at page 5 sorry to say, just too many mistakes going on, you need to read some scripts and work on your formatting and grammar. There is a lot of experienced writers on this site who could be very helpful to you if you join and contribute. Hope this all helps.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve.

Made it further than me Steve. I closed it after the first scene.

I literally had no idea what was going on. Whether it was the poor grammar or very, very strange (bad?) description, I can't say, but it was a mess.

To the author, did you even read this before submitting it? Have you ever so much as looked at a real script before? If you're asking for a serious opinion, at least have the decency to form full sentences before writing anything.

To be helpful, I don't know what's up with your:

1. The Standard of Truth
- By Raymond

At the top of the page. Get rid of that. Slugs (as Steve already mentioned) need lots of work too. Most of all: work on coherent sentences.

Thanks guys for the input. It's my first script so interesting to know what's important and what's not in the formatting. I had hoped that would not have prevented you from going deeper into it.

The one thing I do take issue with is the use of "complete sentences". Here are two examples of published (and quite famous scripts): I count eight incomplete sentences. Doesn't seem to be such a big deal so long as it puts the point across.

FULL SCREEN PHOTOGRAPH Grainy but unmistakably a man and woman making love. Photograph shakes. SOUND of a man MOANING in anguish. The photograph is dropped, REVEALING ANOTHER, MORE compromising one. Then another, and another. More moans. [Chinatown]

     This kitchen was out of date by 1963. A huge china sink and a
     fat fridge. But the cooker works and a battered old kettle is
     already on the gas. T-shirt and instant coffee. BERLIN checks
     cupboards out. Crockery includes a cup and that'll do for now.

     His lips articulate a silent expletive. The gas has just gone
     out. Tries to relight it without success. On hands & knees he
     explores a rubber supply pipe that snakes under the back door.[Jennifer 8]

Heya Ray, I'm actually glad you checked up on our notes. My 'complete sentence' jab was pretty ruthless, but let me explain and hopefully it can help you out. I wasn't so much cracking down on actual complete sentences but more along the lines of 'coherent' sentences. Chinatown is an excellent film and an even better script, and Robert Towne is Robert Towne, he can do whatever he wants. When 'Bob the Writer' sends a spec script with nothing but fragments to an agent that's looking for reasons NOT to read the hundred pager on his desk, there's a good chance he might just throw it away.

You're right about fragments. They can and usually do work in scripts, and you can find them in literally any script out there. The problem was that it didn't come off that way to me, it came off as sloppy and just strangely written. Ignoring the slug, let's break down your first words - "Gradually focused on one building and then on the window of a particular office. It is the only office lit up." I know what your wanting, and how you want the shot to look, but the whole thing is one big camera direction. Telling the reader where the camera is and what to focus on is not your job as a writer, it sucks, but it's true. You could lose it entirely in it's current form, but I say keep it and run with something along the lines of...

EXT.  HIGH-RISE OFFICE - NIGHT
High up on the twentieth floor, the only light from the building flips on.

It's terrible I know, but hopefully you get the idea. If the city (Manhattan) isn't important to the story, you can get rid of that too. Why be specific? You don't want to limit yourself like that. If the director reads your script and loves it, but had Chicago in mind the entire time, why not let him? It's the same reason you write a character in their (20's) because when you tell me hes 21, the director and producer have to find someone who's 21. They don't like that. Another reason to nix the establishing shot of Manhattan is to get rid of that nasty 'establishing' shot. Those cost money, and I think it looks tacky for the first thing on a spec script. It's another form of directing that is just not necessary.

The next slug bothers me. While you COULD leave it as Adam Goodman's Office, I have no idea who Adam is, or why I need to know it's his office. This is debatable, but I would replace it with just 'Office' or 'Tacky Office' - whatever, just not Adam's Office. I also get this total Se7en vibe from both your establishing shot and the brief scene in the office. (Ya know, that scene outside the high-rise where the lawyer got axed by John Doe?) Which is cool, it really helped me visualize what you wanted.

The next chunk of text is what threw me through the loop. It's just a very messed up sentence. Try this -
--
ADAM GOODMAN (40's) lies bound with electrical tape on the floor. He whimpers through the gag in his mouth up at a hanging cinder block that hovers over his face.

ADAM
(muffled)
Please no. No God no, please.

CRUNCH! The brick comes down.
--
Trimmed up the action, moved your parenthetical to the action (where it belongs) and I think it gets the point across much clearer. That was where I got confused with your words. Read what you wrote out loud. Read to to a friend or your dog. It just SOUNDS like a messed up sentence. Also, the first time you introduce a character, their name has to be in all caps and it's a good rule of thumb that their age or (very) short description follows. I don't see the need to describe what this guy looks like, whether he's balding or in a suit, I don't care. What I care about is the brick dangling over his dome and the BDSM ball gag in his throat.

Hope this helps buddy!

Thanks for the really helpful stuff. I get it.

This will be a challenge for you: the reason why the office scene is written as a POV  with no character identified only becomes obvious towards the end of the script. It's the core of the mystery. It's inelegant but I can't think of another way to do it.