Back To School by Davi da Silva Alves - Comedy - Years after quitting school, a 30 year old writer must go back and finish his last semester of High School, in order to win the long awaited dream job. 98 pages - pdf, format 8)

Okay... here's my first attempt at an in-dept review after several years... wish me luck...

:::::::::::: WARNING - SPOILERS ::::::::::::::

Right off the bat, Page 2, you say Ryan puts on perfume. I'm not sure if that's intentional or if you meant cologne. I saw that the original work was in Portuguese, so I figure it's better not to assume a mistranslation.

RIGHT after that, you say 'something WE can't hear'... using words like 'we', 'us', 'camera', or breaking the fourth wall at all during a script (unless intentionally for the plot, as in some comedies) is a BIG no-no.

You also don't have to keep referring to them as 'Young Ryan/Marla'. we're already in the scene and understand that this is the past. Common sense allows us the knowledge that they're going to be young... you don't have to keep reminding us. I might be wrong though, that's just how I feel.

I personally think some of Ryan's VO parts are a bit TOO descriptive, just a bit less and it'd be easier to not only read, but it would get to the story a bit quicker...

You use a lot of 'by the look of his face...', 'she seems...', 'she doesn't look...' and a couple times you've done something along the lines of 'they kiss, one that every girl hopes for at least once' or 'he's happy in a way we didn't notice when....' etc.. Just get to the point and SHOW us what they're emotions are, SHOW us what they're doing. Don't tell us. Remember, this isn't a book, it's a script.

from here on, I'm not going to lie, it's pretty much the same mistakes over and over again. I'm going to go ahead and stop reading here (Page 19), and I'll get back to it later...