The Architect of Downfall by Silva Mungai (Silva Sly) - Short, Drama, Thriller - A lawyer's moral compass is tested at gunpoint. 27 pages - pdf, format 8)


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Check out the first stills from production - http://cinevita.ca/whatsnew

- Don

I liked the dialogue, and think you have an ear for it - I'm not too sure about your descriptions:

The scorching sun glistens through the arc-like windows
- seems a bit over written and superfluous.

a surprisingly barren solid oak desk.
- just don't write it like this. What's he going to do? Look shocked at the desk?

A man paces around endlessly yapping on a cell phone . This is MICHAEL HOLT (32): generically handsome, snappily dressed. MICHAEL looks like every other young lawyer at the A & T Firm -- slicked back hair, suspenders, and horn rimmed glasses.
- it's all opinion but:
MICHAEL HOLT (32), handsome lawyer, on a cell, paces the floor.
- Does the same job for less. (Market economics, see?).

Fist chunk of dialogue is a bit too long.

Only CAP characters on introduction.

and searches for his briefcase.
- how do we know it's his briefcae he's searching for? Either go for just 'searches' or put in a bit of exposition.

in a revealing Swiss Miss dress
- again, not necessary - unless it's important, and then you need to show it (via INSERT: etc); otherwise, 'classy, revealing' or equivalent is sufficient.

And no page numbers. So I don't know how far I read, but it wasn't far.

I agree with 007 on the descriptions and what not, but I will stop there.  I read all the way through, and have to say, you've built a HELL of a suspense story here...  Wow.  

The structure of the story is very very good.  Upping the ante with each beat in the way you did is not an easy thing to do, and I think you nailed it.  The characters are also very well drawn out through the dialogue you've created, so well done on that front as well.

There may be a bit too much dialogue, meaning, you could sharpen it down a bit, and still not lose any of the intensity.  The descriptions definitely need work though.  Just imagine the camera lens itself is writing what it sees and try again.  

Overall, its a decent script that with some tightening up can lead to a great film.  High five.

Hey Silva,

You only have to capitalise characters in the first introduction. A lot of your action can be shortened and tightened up which has already been mentioned. I didn’t like all the caps in some of the dialogue for shouting.

Although I think it could be a tad shorter I really enjoyed the gripping story you told. It was a good concept with a solid ending and a great revelation about Michael.

With some hard work on the action descriptions particularly and shortening it. I think you would have a great short script here.

Good luck and keep writing.

Happy New Year.

Steve

I do tend to get carried away with descriptions sometimes. A habit from the short stories I usually like to write on my free time. I can definitely par them down.

I am glad that you all liked the story. The idea just sprung up in my head all over sudden, and luckily, I was sitting infront of a computer, so I just found myself typing the story and dialogue in a matter of hours...usually very unusual for me as I like to plan ahead about what I am going to write. I do agree that the story can be tightened up if I work on it some more, but at the time, I thought I would post it up and get some critical feedback from the readers.

Thanks for taking the time to read my script. More feedback would be greatly appreciated :)

-Silva Sly-

I read this all the way through as I wanted to know why Jack was in the house and what he would do.
As others have said, it is a bit overwritten and could be cut way down. The whole bit about picking up the laundry didn't seem significant or add to the story at all.

The ending I found a let down. It didn't feel like jack had got any justice and let Michael off the hook. However, it did hold my interest until the end, all 20 something pages.

Thanks for the read, harrietb. I do tend to have my characters ramble on when it comes to telling a good story. Still working on modifying my dialogue :)

So... I just read your script, and I must say (please don’t take this the wrong way) that you could benefit from reading some screenplay books and/or taking a few classes on the subject. I won’t go into too many details, but here’s my overall thoughts...

CHARACTER. I didn't see any arc (not that it’s a big thing) from your main, which comes off as really flat.  

DIALOGUE. Could be better I think. Most of it is expositional and on the nose. And remember, speech should be “spoken”, not “written”...  

STRUCTURE. This is an issue. I would suggest you restructure everything to come off as more cinematic. As it stands right now, I feel this area is all over the place and lacks focus with no steady direction.

STORY. It’s a drama, and they don’t usually sell, however, when they do sell and are actually made, they don’t make much money. It’ll be hard to find people who will invest in these types of scripts.  

FORMATTING. I don’t generally harp on this kind of thing as long as it’s close, but this script is littered with blocky text, misspellings, and general newbie formatting mistakes. As I mentioned before, there are books on this subject.  

OVERALL. The material is not for me. Dramas are hard to write because the writer must incorporate both the “drama” and “entrainment” aspects into the script to make it viable. The drama is minimal, along with the entertainment value.  Aside from that, the formatting sends up several “pass on it” red flags as well. I can tell you’re new to this, so I hope you can take something positive from this review.

Oh, and keep at it. NEVER GIVE UP-- Otherwise, you’ll just become another wannabe screenwriter who threw in the towel (and there have been many of those). Also, turn your weaknesses into strengths. Which means, practice, practice, practice on your weak areas to improve them...      

Good luck!!!

Thanks for the read, 000. Much appreciated on the criticque, as it helps strengthen my ability to improve on my writing more. While the plot and prose can definitely be improved vastly, I am curious, however, as to your definition of "Proper Formatting". You mention that the script is "littered" with blocky text and misspellings. I would be grateful if you can point these errors out, as it is the only part of the critique I felt to challenge :)

-Silva Sly-

Wow!! I can ignore all the crazy prose descriptions. That build up and payoff was NICE!!!!!! Very well done and well paced, bud!! Thoroughly impressive.

Thanks very much for the read, dellmoeg. Descriptions are something I am still working on whittling down in my scripts, as I tend to have a bad habit of making them too expository, lol...but nevertheless, I am very grateful that you enjoyed this piece :)

Yeah, that's minor, dude. Keep working on your craft, that's all I do.

I have to say, I really liked it a lot. I think you should cut down on your dialogue a bit ut other than that, GREAT STORY!

-Emanuel

Thank you very much for the read, Emmanuel, and I am really glad you enjoyed it. I find that I do tend to ramble on and on when I hit that momentum with dialogue, but that is something I am working on extensively to improve on. Glad you enjoyed the story :)

Read the script, was an easy one as far as reading it concerned but we have Problems here , Big Problems... I was looking at an interview of a script agent and he was telling a funny way he uses to judge , how a script he is about to read is going to be an ametuer work. "He said if the script looks like a T ...i.e. A small discription and long list of characters yapping to each other .... Most probably he would have eneded up with an uncenimatic ametuer script"

If i had judged your script with this rule of thumb ... I would agree with him...  I am sure you would be looking for some critique that will help you refine your art and not just praise ... 000 had pointed some important facts ... I would agree with his points about character ,dialouge structure, and story.

Let me elaborate further ... If i were you i would not have the laundry scene at all .

Telling a long  story  to resolve your short film is a technique scooby doo writers used to use and we know your target audience is not me 30 years ago.



i dont like the way ... The evil gets away so easily...either make him a character who fights it out ...or let him suffer ...


To give you some ideas :

I would start the film where the action is .... The party and the rape scene let the michel rape the girl ....but give him guilt Or

Make jack some kind of freak character like taxi drivers 's d nero .... Make him the protagonist who dreams about killing a man all day .. All night... Let him come to his home and instead gets killed himself ...

The two characters should have empethy some where .. Which i dont see ... It should just not be two characters cought in a strange situation... The viewer should be able to draw some psychological traits of these characters ... They should feel for them ....

I would rather make him be  in love with his wife...i don't know... make  shelly pregnant ... Just to raise the stakes

Bottom line:

I would suggest a serious re write ... Need any help let me know

Congratulations to Silva.  His script is in production and you can check out the first stills from production - http://cinevita.ca/whatsnew

Check out the teaser:




And support this film through indiegogo





Don