Midnight Launch by Bryson G (13th chamber) - Short, Comedy - When a small video game store runs out of games to fill its pre-oreders, one gamer refuses to leave.  7 pages - pdf, format 8)

pre-oreders - spelling off.

FADE IN: to the left.

New slug is the same as the old one (p2).

Sorry, really didn't work for me. Better with names, I think, a clearer descriptions for the character, short and punchy. I didn't really have an idea of the separate people involved in this. There was a bit of a lack of threat to it - the comedic element didn't really come off, so it slipped between all possible posts for me.

In the first paragraph, "shops of all kinds" is very vague.

I didn't like the fact that you called your characters Nerd 1, 2, 3 and Person 1, 2 etc.

I'm sorry, I can't get through this. I think it's trying to keep up with all the characters in such a short script. And I assume they are fighting over a video game of sorts.

I think this has the potential to be funny but the way it's written now is too hard to follow.  First you really should name these characters.  Second, you have way too many characters for only 7 pages.  It was impossible to keep up and they all ended up sounding exactly the same.

Keep working on it.  It's a funny idea.  

Hey thanks for the reads and reviews. I plan on going back to the drawing board on writing in general, as I can't quite seem to get where I want to be with it. I start school soon, and will get some real screenwriting experience in the classes I'm taking. I plan to come back and produce something that's on par with the rest of the great writers on here. Thanks for the reads and reviews again.

Hey Bryson,

A bad start with the logline, you've misspelled pre-orders.

Sorry but i found this hard to read. You have too many characters for a short and haven't named a single one.

We have nerd 1 to 3, person 1 and 2 and then sales associate. This is just too vague and lazy IMO. The characters are the driving force behind your story and if you don't care enough to give them a name, why should the reader. Sorry to be harsh.

Good luck and keep writing.

Happy new year.

Steve.

Sorry Bryson, difficult to read and as other people stated too many characters and the fact that they don`t have names, just shows lazy writing and if you not bothered to name them, why should we be bothered to read it.
I actually stopped after page 3.

It`s good read that you are taking classes and remember the more you read the more you learn.

Mark

Good Luck