Ren Drawing by Blake Lockett - Drama - Ren is a comic book store owner and once comic book writer and artist. It seems he's no hero like the ones he draws but just a normal man, though one fan sees him as more then that.  81 pages - doc, format 8)

First of all, bit confused by the title / log-line. You've got Red Drawing in the log line, but when I open the script, the title page says Ren Drawing - and the lead character is call Ren. I'm confused.

And then the script itself start on the title page - not a great start.

I had problems with this script:

First of all the good - I kind of liked the dialogue - it felt like it had a real attitude to it - I wasn't always sure where it was 'coming from' but it was often quite sharp, and moved things along.

I had a feeling there was a story here, but I only did 11 pages (no page numbers by the way) and couldn't really see where it was supposed to be going. There is a real lack of premise during the setup. I felt the character were set up very well - they clearly had different voices, and clearly had different back-stories, but I couldn't really see an over-arching story to it.

So dialogue good.

Descriptions:

Bad.

And by bad, I mean, like really.

There is simply too much stuff that is not film-able:
- there is an edge to him that makes him seem younger...
- perhaps unhappy that her friendly gesture...
- (there's lot more)
Then there is the state-the-obvious-bits:
EXT. BUS STOP
- Ren waits for a bus. (as opposed to... a new idea?).
There are passive sentences:
- At the front desk reading a newspaper is MARK FLINT.
Characters are not capped on intro:
Ren is 55.
And on page 5 (I think it's page 5, but it depends where the script starts), the wrylys are incorrectly placed.

Put simply - you write dialogue well, descriptions poorly.

Strangely, your action narrative does seem to improve as the script goes on - but first impressions and all that.

And I need an idea of what the story is about - I know he's writing a comic, but I need to know what the goal is - what he's hoping to achieve.

Major fail as is, but with the good dialogue and strong character work, if you could get the description up to scratch, this could really be up to something.