Copycat by Jimmy Dean (split second) - Short - Twenty-something Sam's obsession with a local serial killer manifests into something dangerous.  8 pages - pdf, format 8)

In my opinion, this script is filled with incomplete scenes.  The needs further development to avoid the feeling of detachment that I felt while reading it.

I didn't feel anything for Sam.  The ending didn't surprise me but, essentially, I just didn't care.  You gave me nothing to care about.  Perhaps if you explain his motivation for his actions.

There were some formatting and spelling/grammatical errors, but they're not that important.


Phil

I'm with Phil.  Perhaps if you started this with him reading a break up note from his old lady that was the first entry in his scrap book, or something that would explain his serial killer mentality.  

I did like the uniform from the friend aspect though, definitely showed he's a thinking man.  

Find an element that ties the whole story together where the guilt in the end makes sense and you have a decent script here.  No five.  

Coming off the back of just having watched All the Boys Love Mandy Lane again, this one caught my attention. There's a message there in that Sam seeks the notoriety of the Surburb Strangler but lacks the menace with which to assume the killer's actions. Sam's anonymity is a void he needs filling and he doesn't care if it's fame or infamy that grants him attention. That's a compelling narrative. This makes Sam a loose cannon and a character you can immerse in a thriller/slasher/horror. One of the things that felt odd to me was that he was using a computer and a radio; that's a bit dated for someone his age now, I think. Once I was on that trail of thought, it made sense to me that this would be set further back in time. The '70s always seemed an era with notorious serial killers (as well as fraught social conditions) and was clearly an influence on All the Boys Love Mandy Lane, which as I say, I just watched. By stylising this in the '70s, you tap into a number of films similar films based in this decade and era.

My only other real suggestion would be to zoom in on one aspect of Sam's obsession and yearning for attention - tie it in to his family, or upbringing or something deep rooted. I would think you could cut down the location count as well - for what you have, you seemed to have too many locations and it wasn't evident your story would require more than or 2. The arc as it is works, I just feel it needs a recalibration.

Hey Jimmy,

This had a lot of locations, we moved like a speed train after the first scene going from scene to the next in no time.  I didn’t feel it was all needed and could be cut down.

I read this and thought this isn’t working for me but I couldn’t figure out why so I read the previous posts and that’s it in a nutshell.  We had no idea what is motivating Sam, he’s a disturbed character who craves attention, but why?

There were other problems; the pub scene was too convenient and easy, it didn’t read plausible IMO. I need your uniform for a fancy dress party, yeah no problem it’s in the back of the van washed and ready, here take my ID as well just to make it look convincing. That fancy dress would suck if that was the level of costumes.

I agree with Andrew, concentrate on one aspect of Sam. A motivation for his obsession and this should help the reader to understand and care about what happens to him.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

I agree with the others in that I would have liked more incite into the motivation behind Sam's violent actions. I also think his friend so easily buying into Sam's lie, was a little unrealistic. Maybe he should have just stolen the cloths instead. Although I found this to be enjoyable and liked the ending, keep writing.

This read easy enough for me. The story itself is pretty predictable. The ending was "meh" for me. The script was just really straight forward. I noticed  you had "We" in the script. You gave camera directions, you have to leave this to the director of the script, this is considered a "no-no". Everything else would just echo what everyone above has touched on. Overall, not bad at all. Good luck to you.

I'm really thankful for everyone's comments. I'm hoping to submit this in my university portfolio for film production, so I'm very, very open to any comments. I thought it would be interesting to present a character who was just obsessed with a serial killer without diving too much into it - but as that hasn't connected like I'd hoped, would you all agree there needs to be more backstory to the obssession?

I'm really eager to work on this and make it as good as possible. So, thank you all again for replying. Did it read well enough? For a while I've had an issue getting to something flow well, so was the writing style better?

Quoted from CoopBazinga Hey Jimmy, This had a lot of locations, we moved like a speed train after the first scene going from scene to the next in no time.  I didn’t feel it was all needed and could be cut down. I read this and thought this isn’t working for me but I couldn’t figure out why so I read the previous posts and that’s it in a nutshell.  We had no idea what is motivating Sam, he’s a disturbed character who craves attention, but why? There were other problems; the pub scene was too convenient and easy, it didn’t read plausible IMO. I need your uniform for a fancy dress party, yeah no problem it’s in the back of the van washed and ready, here take my ID as well just to make it look convincing. That fancy dress would suck if that was the level of costumes. I agree with Andrew, concentrate on one aspect of Sam. A motivation for his obsession and this should help the reader to understand and care about what happens to him. Good luck and keep writing. Steve

I take on everything else you say, but I've been to a bunch of fancy dress parties where people haven't dressed up/put minimal effort into. I thought it was a reasonable excuse. Also, I never said it was washed, I was infering Travis had come from work to the pub and the uniform was in the back of his car. But if the scene didn't feel realistic, maybe it does need some work.

Thanks again guys, I'd be interested in any other opinions, and any more depth of advice someone can give on how to show his obsession and make it matter.

Hey Jimmy,

I have only ever been to two fancy dress parties, I went as Tony Montana in one and Superman in the other. Nobody ever went in work overalls, that's all I meant. If these two were friends, wouldn't the friend enquire about where he's going? who's fancy dress party? They would probably know the same people right?

Just a thought.

Steve.

Quoted from dogglebe There were some formatting and spelling/grammatical errors, but they're not that important. Phil

Sorry, but in accumulation they are: I found their persistence off-putting.

#SAM is engrossed by his computer
- I'm sure this should be 'in' not 'by'.

#BACK TO THE ROOM
- Should be BACK TO SCENE

#starts to cut out exerts
- should be 'excerpts'

#Pages upon pages of collages
- I'm fairly sure it should be 'page upon page'

#He finds a fresh page. Stars to glue down
- Stars should be starts

I'm half-way through page one, and already I'm more focused on the grammar now,  and that's not what you want from readers.

Best o' luck to you
Simon

In an early draft, one should focus on the story, characters, etc..  Spelling and formatting is more important when the writer is polishing the script.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe In an early draft, one should focus on the story, characters, etc..  Spelling and formatting is more important when the writer is polishing the script. Phil

I appreciate this and will quote it for emphasis because it's a far better reply than what I was going to say. Though, if those specific errors both you that much I think you need to reconsider why you read scripts. I find it hard to believe you were that offedned by those mistakes that you stopped reading at page one, but maybe I'm underestimating the impact grammar can have on a reader.

But for future reference, wasn't 'Back to the room' just as clear as 'Back to the scene'? If it wasn't, then I'll definitely reconsider, I just thought it made sense. But, as I've tried to make it clear, I'm very appreciative to any feedback, so please let me know.