A Boy and His Monsters by Matt Pniewski - Short - A young boy from a dysfunctional Family fights to make his life better by producing a Giant Monster Movie. 18 pages - pdf, format 8)

okay - this is the 3rd or 4th time I've tried to read this and it's still not working & I really can't figure why. I don't know if it's just sort of flat. A lot of it is written in prose, and if you want to do that you may as well go for a novel.

I think your writing is suffocating the script instead of bringing it to life.

Maybe see what other people say.

It was strange opening up with a dream for me.

The short has many grammar issues and misspelled words...

Also, on the first page, the boys couldn't go to school because their mother had the car. Yet, on the second page, they are at school and it's mentioned that they walked there and were gonna walk home. So, why one day, was it too far and the next day it wasn't...just inconsistent here.

The dialogue seems a lil off for kids that age IMO.

As the story goes on, you add quite a bit of characters. I found it hard to keep up with them all, actually.

This story just didn't do it for me. The ending was flat. If you do a rewrite I'll be glad to read.

Best of luck.

Well, when I'm hammering out a draft I generally disregard minor spelling and grammar errors. Bad habit, I know. It'll be taken care of....

The School isn't so much too far as it is the father is apathetic. Perhaps a different opening is required to show the general family dynamics.

I should have also mentioned this is an incomplete script. Since I uploaded this, I've gotten another 32 pages in, and I'm approaching the midpoint.

But the reason I posted this is, well, this is a fantastic story.

Unfortunately, the script isn't all that good. I dislike it greatly, but can't quite figure out what it is that keeps me from being involved, because I'm quite detached from these characters. Which is a problem, considering this is a fictionalized account of my childhood. If I cannot connect with me, how can I expect anyone else to?

Hey Matt,

I read all of this and like people said above, it has a lot of problems but my biggest gripe was when I read the comments after reading.

Quoted Text Unfortunately, the script isn't all that good. I dislike it greatly

If you don't even like it then why post it? This left me feeling cheated I'm afraid and I won't be giving any more feedback.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

I read the entire thing, but I don't quite understand.
I get that the father and mother are separated.
The boy goes to his imagination to escape reality for whatever reason.
His father is lazy/apathetic/careless.
But what is the point of the script?
What are you trying to achieve or say?
I'm not quite sure what the street hockey scene is doing in there either.
Also, you never say that the little boy grows. He puts on a "bio-armor" and then you say he starts kicking ass on the giant bird. I wasn't sure if he was still boy-sized or if he had grown to giant-size.
Also, like they said, plenty of typos.
I found it a little intriguing, but for the most part, it is a slow read.
I'm sure, after a couple of drafts, you may just have something here, but right now, it's no bueno.
Good luck though.