Semper Fi by Felipe D. Machado (cinemachado) - Short, Suspense - A man attempts to settle his affairs before flying home from military duty. - pdf, format 8)

Not following. Morrison is having an affair with Callahan's wife. Morrison left his own wife waiting somewhere. Callahan confronts Morrison, Callahan confronts Sam. But there is no ending.

Hi Felipe,

As we go my notes are;

i understand you didn't have the chance of a front page but here's just a reminder for a fade in.

slug - DAWN - i like this, gives a feel. Not sure if it is standard, but i like it.

Morrision - i think "Jogs along" would be better than jogging, then i think you can use a mini slug at the air base, as he arrives at a base within the same time frame.

MORRISONS House - i didn't know which one since you have introduced two of them, best to confirm it is his. I think the description of picture frames could be worth revising, sounds a little confused

Morrisions showers, or takes a shower could be a better description, besides the slug should tell us.

SEMPER FIDELIS - don't know what this is so will be interested to see if it is explained.(post note - we aren't, so i still don't know what this is about - maybe thats me)

next title has continuous - don't think this is required as largely a single scene

"His fears are all but confirmed" what does this look like on the screen?

jenkins - how old?

Sam how old?

I liked the story. Not sure i liked the ending, but having said that, having a floating question of whats in the box has merit. A touch of SEVEN about it? An foreign affair with a base commanders wife? I like the basis of this, it has the potential for all sorts of drama and tension. Whats the myth? Head in the box?

All the best.

You have to know the legend to get the ending.  I did get the ending.  

I thought you did a good job with this.  I thought you dragged out the ending a bit.  For those that know the legend - it was obvious what was in the box.  For those that don't, all the hinting in the world isn't going to tell them.  You have to be either more overt with the hints or open the box.  

I suggest that you open the box and do it much more quickly.  

Otherwise, good work.  I got it - but don't want to spoil it for those who didn't.

This was pretty good. From the opening scene, I thought you were using a variation of this legend, but I liked where you went with it instead.

Like Michael, I knew what was in the box at the end.

Nice job.

Chris

Sorry man. Didn't get it.

Gary

Hey guys,
I totally understand the confusion. I'd be confused too of I didn't write it. I'm in Rio for new years and finished this draft at 11pm on the 31st haha. I will take all the suggestions into consideration and do a rewrite at some point. Thanks for reading and critiquing!

in case you were wondering, the Urban Legend is this one : http://www.snopes.com/horrors/gruesome/headless.asp

All the best!

P.S. I downloaded all the other script to my iPad and will be reading them at the beach today. Will try to have reviews and comments up as soon as possible!

Also, Semper Fi is the marine motto, short for Semper Fidelis. It is Latin for Always Faithful.

I wasn't sure why he went to the phone booth when before he kept getting messages and stuff on a cell phone.

I knew what was in the box...but what would it have hurt to have her open it at the end??? Or if she wasn't gonna open it, let Callahan state it as he walks out....

Overall, I liked it.

I think you did a good job here, but for me one thing missing was that I didn't care for anyone except for his wife... I felt sorry for her as her shit of a husband screws around with someone else who is also married and get her pregnant too. IMHO, this would work better if Morrison was not married himself and if Callahan was a really bad guy. Like maybe a wife beater or something. Then Mrs. Callahan and Morrison would both get some sympathy, but the way it is now, I only care about Morrison's wife and their son.

Other than that, I thought you did a good job.  

PS. don't have too much fun in Rio now!!  ;D

Hey Felipe,

I liked this and it kept me guessing. The ending worked for me although I didn’t understand it until just now when I looked it up. It doesn’t always work but sometimes it’s good to leave it with the reader guessing, let them use their imagination. Reading scripts on the beach, you’re just rubbing it in now.

Good effort.

Steve

Felipe,

Thanks for playing OWC!

Sorry to say I'm completely lost with this one.
Calling Jane Morrison Jane, and then her husband just Morrison.
Reviewed it twice, I guess there's some vague hint of infidelity here.
And I'm guessing what's in the box, since I've seen Se7en. :P

This read fine, but the story was a jumble to me.

Regards,
E.D.

My problem here was that i added the first scene after writing the entire script. That added tote name confusion, but most characters were referred to by their last names because of military standards.

I did intend for Jane to be the only sympathetic character. I'm a bit of a cynic and think most people aren't all that likable in a long enough timeline. I guess that didn't work too well.

As soon as I submitted the script I realized I forgot to go back and add some character descriptions. At the very least I should have given their ages.

Someone allso asked why she didn't just open the box. The reason for that was because I intended on having her open it, but she knew what was in it. At least in my head she did. In reality, I knew what was in it and that made me unable to open it. So I didn't. Hoped it would translate. Need to work on it.

Well written script.  The dialogue flowed; sounded realistic. My suggestion is to change the title.  Semper Fi is always faithful, but some of the characters certainly weren't.  Unless of course you're going for some irony here.  Great job overall.

Yeah, the title is meant to be ironic. =)

Hi Felipe.

I think the reason this worked for me was because I read about the urban legend beforehand. Because I knew the story it was easier for me to picture what was happening, plus the 'whys' to go with it.

I liked how you wrote Callahan. He came across as a very menacing character, his dialogue in particular had sinister undertones throughout. Good stuff.

I noticed a few times where you used numbers, '3' sticks in my mind particularly, but really you should write them out as a word, three, instead.

Also I felt like the final scene went on a little longer than it needed to. You could probably cut it down by a page at least, if not more. Some of the dialogue wasn't totally necessary IMO.

Overall a good job for a week.

Cheers.