Married to the Army - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, January 14th, 2012, 12:22pm

Married to the Army by David Von Kotzebue - Action, Adventure - She supported her Army father and husband through three wars, but a loyal Army wife who expects to retire well must instead fight a callous government to avoid homelessness. 136 pages - doc, format 8)

Posted by: Forgive, April 6th, 2012, 4:02pm; Reply: 1

Hi David - thought I'd take a quick look at this - not sure you're around or not.

Far as I know - a date shouldn't really appear at the end of a slug-line, maybe it can be included in the action line.

I wasn't convinced about the way you did your flashbacks - appeared a bit cumbersome?

P3 Kitty to Mr Weisel - she needs a question mark - throws the sentence out otherwise.

I think your writing is good - but I also got the feeling you were maybe trying to direct a little too much. Some of the dialogue didn't work for me.

There's an awful lot of fading in and fading out - again, you're off the conventional mark in the way that you do this.

P7 there's a Cut To - but no scene heading follows.

Okay - it was nicely written - but it did feel a little bit dated, in the way the story moved and panned out.

Your formatting - I think - needs some looking into. It wasn't only unconventional, but there are areas where it was a bit inconsistent too.

Best of luck with it.

Simon

Posted by: ottercat, April 9th, 2012, 1:02pm; Reply: 2

Dave

Took a quick look. Some things I spotted.

Your first line: What is the ca for?

pg 6 Not sure what the space is for. Someone else speaking or same person?

SANDRA
If anyone was ever married to the Army, it was you, and you deserve better.  You and all the others you’re going to help today.

Wow, 28 years.  And you were an
Army brat before that.  I bet this all brings back some memories, eh?

And you have a lot of cuts.

I'm just leaning but I was told a couple things.

1. You don't need all the CUT TO:

2. Not to use CAPS like pg 9

JUNIOR OFFICER
(In a command voice)
PASS IN REVIEW!

Also you have a of directing of the actor with all the underlined words.

Again, I'm just learning but these are some of the no no's I've been told.

I did love when Kitty tells Mr.W her peace of mind. I chuckled.