The Oscillation by Raymond Kwok - Short, Thriller - A stock trader makes a killing using insider information from his best friend. He ends up paying for it in a way he would never have imagined.  28 pages - pdf, format 8)

Okay Raymond. I read your script. All of it. If you want feedback, let me know.

Hey Raymond,

I owed you a read after you had a look at “Chat up Line” so I gave this a look.

Firstly, I just want to say that if you start reading more work and leaving feedback, your get more feedback on your own work. Try to contribute more and your get some more feedback which will be so helpful to you.

I only made it to page 10 I’m afraid and that’s more to do with story and length rather than formatting.

The story wasn’t interesting, two guys played squash and then went to Tiffany’s, there wasn’t much here to keep me reading. Maybe it got better but after 10 pages nothing had happened and to be honest, I feel there needs to be something interesting in those first 10 pages to continue.

It’s also too long for a short IMO, 30 pages feels way too long and this can put the reader off, something to think about.

Your formatting needs work. Take away the scene numbers for starters; they are not needed in a spec script.

You don’t have to capitalise the name of the character at the start of every scene, just when first introduced. While we’re on the subject, you didn’t described the characters very well, we don’t know their age and you went on to tell us that one was 50 pounds overweight which is fine but then went on to tell us that in the dialogue as well.

The dialogue felt very unnatural and the action needs a lot of work, always try to keep them at 4 lines max, less if possible. Also try to cut down on your parenthetical’s as you have too many IMO, they are not needed and how many times did people whisper?

Hope this was helpful; my best advice would be to read some scripts and contribute.

You have written a feature and this short so you have commitment to write and all you need now is the some help with technique and structure. This is the best place to learn so you’re in the right place!

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

Thanks for the read. I agree that this really isnt a short and I should not have described it as such. I had in mind something like an episode of Twilight Zone which would go for about 45 mins. Wish you can finish it because the pay off is at the end. Agree with your other suggestions.

Hi Raymond - got your pm - I can see you've been giving feedback, so here's mine.

First off, I did like the structure of the script, it felt fairly fell woven - there's a lot at the beginning that is referenced at the end, so it's clearly been well thought through.

It did, though, leave me with the feeling of -- in the US did you even have a series of programmes - 'Tales of the unexpected' - came across like that. I think it filmed maybe in the 80's in the uk... so yeah, a little dated.

There are a lot of word to get through, and in honesty, I didn't really see this running for more than 20 mins once you've account for all the excess. Chopping it down, I think it could be leaner, and turned in a 15 minute job.

Some people might not like this:

Howard is overweight by at least fifty pounds: someone who
used to be an athlete but has let himself go. He is soaked in
sweat.

But then again, I did a little digging and found this:

ROBERT LANGDON is fiftyish, but looks ten years younger,
must have something to do with two hundred laps at dawn every day. (Akiva Goldsman - Angels & Demons).

Not entirely dissimilar, but could be frowned upon in a spec script.

This, I think, is over-worded:

It is just before Christmas and the store is jam packed with
shoppers and tourists. VINCENT and HOWARD, now back in their
work clothes, are just aimlessly wandering around, half
heartedly checking out rings.

4 lines and 34 words: They're in Tiffany's checking rings --

This is from 'The curious case of Benjamin Button'

EXT. OLD TRAIN STATION, NEW ORLEANS - DAY, 1917                7

An old wooden barn of a building. Their son, hugging his
parents, getting on a flatbed train crowded with other
soldiers, pulling away... (Eric Roth)

In 3 lines and 23 words, we've got: An old barn like building, a flatbed train, son leaving, embracing parents, crowds, train leaving (therefore emotion)...

As you can see, I'm finding it difficult to use less words that the writer does. That’s called removing the fat - when it's really tricky to take any more off - not that I'm suggesting it's easy - can't do it myself to this standard.

VINCENT
That's the fastest strike out I have
ever seen. You must have told her
about the size of your dick

VINCENT
Fast strike out. Told her
the size of your dick?

So all I did here was trim - not really added anything, and I'm not saying it's better - that's for you to decide, but the point is, it was pretty easy, and I think there's a lot in the descriptions and the action lines, that could have a trim without taking anything away.

#VINCENT is sitting on a bench.
'ing' ending are contentious, they bother some people, not others. Overuse is really the down-fall, because then you have the issue of your 'ing's and repetition - so if you don't exclude them (no reason to), then reduce them - in particular the way in which you use them - you had enough of a tendency to put them at the beginning of sentences - enough to make me notice, and that can look like lazy writing.

I like Vincent's introduction into paranoia.

Might be just opinion, but I felt that the cable guy said too much...
VINCENT
Alright then. I think you need to go. - I didn't like this, it changed Vincent's mood, and I think he should keep on going into one.

MARISSA enters the apartment, shopping bags in her hand, dark
glasses over her hair. VINCENT is sitting on the floor, still
fiddling with the remote control.

I think this slows the story down a little. As good is -
Marissa enter, shopping bags in hand - then straight on to the dialogue - you've done the 'Moments Later' bit in the logline, and as things are going to get a little fraught, I think it keeps the tension by going straight in.

MARISSA
Yes. Your TV was going all weird. Kept
on dubbing everything into Spanish.
So I called the cable company and they
just so happened to have someone on a
service call nearby and he came almost
right away. I was so lucky.
- I think is too long - just the first line would have done the job and then get Vincent back in - the exchange is quicker and sharper.

MARISSA
(annoyed)
What got stolen?
- Maybe, sharper response, ups things, and points to his paranoia.

I like the story of the meeting with Conran - thought that was quite a clever idea.

I like the bit where Vincent shoots Howard - especially the return to scene & bazooka.
VINCENT is still standing behind HOWARD.
VINCENT stands behind HOWARD. etc

VINCENT
(jolted from his
imagined shooting of
Howard)
-It's not a hard and fast rule, but generally an action goes in the action lines, and wrylys contain the way in which the words are spoken. This was too much of an action line for me.

Overall, I think the story worked very well - it was well knitted together, and well thought through - pretty much everything that mattered was there, and there was very little in the way of excess. Both the ending and the way we reach the ending gives us a good pay-off (in terms of story).

The way it was written thought - dialogue and action lines, I think this is the area where it needs improving - cutting out a lot of the excess, and sharpening things up. That would give it a quicker read and move things along some - it did feel a little stodgy, but with that removed, I think you could have a pretty good script on your hands.

Best o' luck with it.

Simon

Thanks Simon for some thoughtful stuff. Yes I think this is more of a Twilight Zone episode rather than a short: should run for 45mins. The crux of the story, which is people who do bad things gets punished but in unexpected ways, has been done many times before. This is just another twist on it.

I might trim down things a bit as you suggested and repost it.

The dialogue seemed a bit overwritten, with the audience being given imformation that the people in the scene would already know rather than them just talking as they would. For instance, in the first scene, we got to know too much of the past of the characters which they would have known anyway, so it was for our information.

Peter,

Fair point. But if the characters know, how do we get the audience to know other than through their action or dialogue?

This is always gong to be a problem with shorts - cramming information in - I thought you did okay with this - maybe some else could check it?