Diary of an Innocent Convict by Reginald McGhee - Short - An innocent victim avenges an enemy before his freedom ends. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey, Reginald,

Overall, this was pretty good. I caught some mistakes, but nothing major:

You can take away "Jacob's thoughts in space. He returns to reality." Show, don't tell. You can't film a person thinking. Maybe just have him look off into nowhere, and then snap back into reality or something.

Too many spaces between your first paragraph and Jacob's dialogue.

GEORGE
Look. That's my last one. I don't
get paid 'til next week. I have to
save the rest of my money.

I think you could take out the last sentence, since it's a little redundant. If he says he doesn't get paid until next week, we can assume that he needs to save the rest of his money until then.

"They bump fists and hug quickly." You can take out "quickly." Try to avoid "ly" words.

You should give "LANDLORD" a name. Any name at all is better than just generic "LANDLORD."

"George tries to back away but stumbles onto his feet." Do you mean "stumbles on his feet"?

"OFFICER CURTIS (30), racist, steps out the car." How do we know he's racist? Show, don't tell. And also, it should be "stops out of the car."

On the last page, you have too many spaces between the action and Curtis' V.O.

Hey Reginald,

I'm gonna have to disagree with crookedowl I'm afraid. This wasn't good for a variety of reasons. Formatting, grammar, awkward sentences and mainly, the story!

Jacob pulls a gun on his friend, George over some money for a pack of smokes. George then goes on to kill Jacob for stealing his money for a pack of smokes. That's one special pack of cigarettes.

My main gripe though would be character intros: Jacob, 20's, white. George, 20's, black. That's not enough and does the colour of their skin really matter for this story?

You described Officer Curtis as a racist? As Crookedowl correctly stated, this is telling and not showing but let's be honest, he wasn't a racist as far as I could tell. He asked a valid question as an officer and then arrested George for shooting someone, how can that be racist?

Not that it matters after reading but I didn't understand the title either? Who's the innocent convict? How can you be an innocent convict?

Read lots of scripts on here. Learn to better describe your action and definitely work on your character intros, they’re too vague.

Sorry to be harsh and hope this helps.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

Hi Reg - sorry, but I have to side with Coop and this - I'd honestly use it as an example of how not to write a script: It's not so much flat, as flat-lining - you need to have a pulse going on here.

The characters are like card-board cut-outs.

You need some place descriptions to give the script a sense of place - I don't think you described one location in the whole script (I don't actually know - I only managed to get to page three).

Your action lines have no creative input at all - you need to figure out details that will bring the action lines to life.

Sorry to be negative.

Simon

Wow...cringe-worthy, sorry to say.  1 page in and I'm running for the door.

How anyone could say this is good or not bad just goes to show that many peeps have absolutely no clue what they're talking about.

The writing on display here is very, very poor.  As Coop pointed out, just about every writing mistake possible is on display here.  Everything is so awkwardly written, and even confusingly written.  I don't see any semblance of a story after 1 page, and that's 25% of the whole here.

Read all the scripts you can.  It can only yelp.

Well, I got through all 4 pages regardless of the replies above....
And sadly I have to agree with 3 out of 4.

George enters, stares at her sister, KAREN (25) standing.

Page 2 LANDLARD....Landlord

EXT. JACOB’S PORCH - DAY
George and Jacob stand still. George nods his head and steps
back.
.... What is this about?

George tries to back away but stumbles onto his feet. He
grabs dollar ones. A credit card slips from his pocket.
George gives him the ones. Jacob snatches them from his hand
and grabs credit card from the ground. He pockets the gun.

I read this about four times.... Could be a lot smoother.
Where did the phone booth come from? was it on Jacob`s porch?


A police car rushes to a corner where George stands. OFFICER
CURTIS (30), racist, steps out the car
What makes him a racist? None of his dialogue comes across as racist... Don`t tell.. Show


You said you been robbed 20 minutes
ago. It takes you this long to call
us
20 Minutes should be twenty minutes.... Don`t write numbers IMO

OFFICER CURTIS (V.O.)
You’re under arrest for murder. You
have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say or do will be held
against you under the court of law.

(V.O.) You are indicating that the officer is not only off-screen but also out of the scene... So where is the voice coming from?
Use (O.S) Off screen which means he is in the scene , but not in camera frame.

Hope this helps

Mark

I have to echo what CoopBazinga said...

The writer is telling and not showing their story. Overall, this made little since. You identified characters by race, but there was no reason to. The officer in this was described as racist, but did nothing racist (and I think I know how to spot racism very well) so the description was useless and didn't even pay off. This wasn't the greatest thing you'll ever write if you stick with it. Don't get too dicouraged, but as you get better you'll notice that your thoughts on this work will mirror some of the more harsher critics on SS. Better luck next time.

Reginald, I'll have to agree with the majority of the comments made, I'm afraid. You for sure have a lot of issues with this short script. First off and foremost is your story. You can fix formatting, spelling and grammar, but you can't fix a bad or nonexistant story. I kind of see what you were going for here. You have changed things around so the white guy is the bad guy and the black guy is the good guy. There is a story here if you look for it. A story with a good message for the reality of our society, I'm afraid. The story is there, give it some more thought and re-write it. Read lots of scripts on the boards and learn. Everything you need to know is here for the learning.  Good luck with your writing.  Marvin.