At The Junction by Bill Sarre (Reef Dreamer) - Short, Drama - When at a junction, you may need help to move forward. 3.5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Bill,

This was good, but your slugs need work. I usually don't mind mini slugs when it makes the writing flow better. But sometimes it isn't necessary. Like this: "JUNCTION - NEXT DAY" There's no reason you can't write "EXT." at the beginning.

Also, instead of just writing "SIX MONTHS LATER," you should write "SUPER: SIX MONTHS LATER" because otherwise there's no way to tell how much time has passed when watching it on film.

Hey Bill,

This didn’t work for me at all I’m afraid. If a junction causes you that much stress, then why not avoid it? Take a different route to work; I know there’s one junction or road I avoid when going to work in the morning. I just couldn’t believe that he would keep driving through the same junction for 33 years? He could at least complain to the council or something, it’s just a trivial conflict that is so easily avoided.

I don’t like being harsh, it’s just such a weak premise, Roy died so Dave had a life changing moment, was able to turn and drive away from the junction, no problem. The same junction which has caused him so much stress for 33 years that easily. If anything you could have had a comedic part with the hearse, they get stuck in the junction or something?

Also when Dave wait’s with the bottle of whiskey, I thought it would be funny if the whisky was slowly diminishing in the bottle each day? I know I would drink standing by a junction with nothing to do other than watch cars.

The writing also didn’t work for me personally. A lot of broken up action sentences which I feel wasn’t needed, I understand this in action segments, fights, car chases etc because it helps to not confuse the reader but here, it didn’t work for me.

Heavy traffic.

It flows too quickly to let them join.

They wait.

I thought this kind of thing could be one sentence; it would hardly confuse the reader IMO.

The slugs also need a lot of work, they were very confusing at times, example.

“JUNCTION - NEXT DAY”

I immediately thought Dave and Amanda had been sitting at the junction all day and night. It wasn’t clear enough IMO. I also think just having junction as a mini slug doesn’t work; it’s a completely new location so needs to be an EXT. slug.

A couple of awkward phrases which confused me

“Amanda stops, giggles, goes back to the house and locks the
door.”

“Dave frowns, shakes his head...relaxes.”

“They jump in the car, drive down the estate road”

Amanda locked herself in the house, and then they jump in the car? Why even have the sentence with Amanda going back into the house?

“He strides up to the front door, enters and walks into the--

KITCHEN”

Don’t know many houses where you walk straight into the kitchen from the front door?

This story needs a lot of work; I found it to be just so trivial, an easy solution to the problem which is never explained. I can’t understand why you would drive through that same junction for so long? It doesn’t make sense to me?

Sorry if I’m being harsh but I see no potential with this story, I don’t even know where you could take it.

Just wondered, this is Bill Sarre(reef dreamer) right? I wasn’t sure to be honest? Your username is missing from the logline?

All the best and keep writing. :)

Steve.

Message for the mods.

Could someone put my board name, Reef Dreamer, alongside my name. I think I put it on the entry. Indeed is there another way of flagging this whilst on the subject?  [bert's edit:  Done, and you can always send a PM, too]

Thanks

Crooked , Coop - thanks for the reads. I have to dash now so will answer later. Cheers.

Hi Bill

A couple of slug issues
Super: Six weeks later  Super:one week later, otherwise we don`t know.

Amanda stops, giggles, goes back to the house and locks the
door.
Dave frowns, shakes his head...relaxes.... Why does he frown?  Because she locked the door to her house? I thought they were excited with a new sports car

The junction itself... Apparently the only way Dave can get out, if Ron shows up at exactly the same time as dave gets stuck , according to your series of shots...is at least 32 years!
I can`t believe nobody will let him out in 32 years.... this would only happen in New York City :) Not in a suburbia.

Again Super: One month Later

I`m a little confused, so the death of Ron, the guy who waved him on for 32 years triggered something in his mind about his own relationship with his wife.... So was the junction responsible for his deteriorating relationship?.... If I told my wife that a junction in the road was responsible for my bad mood for 32 years.... would not go down well :)

Sorry Bill
Apart from your writing itself, which is very tight and great descriptions... this actually just annoyed me, nothing of interest..

Mark

Found this quite sweet, nice montage but thought the wife had died at the last shot of the montage when he was alone in the car - that section was soldily written and reminded me of the montage in UP..
I like the premise, 30 odd years is a bit of a stretch to believe this was going on but the IDEA that something seemingly so trivial and the actions of a stranger you've known for 3 decades can change a person is what I like about this story.

Some slug tinkering is needed.

I can imagine this as a music video!

Daz

Thanks Don for the post and everyone for the reads. All feedback is appreciated.

This was an experimental piece and i guessed it wouldn't be for everyone but it seemed to better to post it here so that we can kick it around and learn. It is a conscious effort to depart from the standard.

The first thing to note is this is as much metaphor as story. Like a parable or cautionary tale, so to speak. That was my intention. I am interested in what triggers change in people. Many know that they must appreciate life, but few actually do this. For those who are able to start putting words into practice, i've always been interested in what is the trigger and why?

This simple tale is about a man who neglects what he has. He becomes too wrapped up in the world around him and fails to see what is in front. Ron, by accident, by repetition and through giving, is the trigger.  Often people find it is outsiders that make them change, whilst they take their family for granted. But it is the family that is what makes life worthwhile.

So, back to the story which is not really about an annoying junction, it is a metaphor about awareness. One day Dave becomes aware that Ron is old and has always been kind. He realises he wishes to say thank you, but never gets the chance. He misses it. It is this lack of chance, with the crisp message from Rons children that makes dave aware that he could lose the same opportunity at home. He is at a junction of life, with choices and directions. He turns around.

Is it likely a man has let the same person out of the same junction for so many years (note we are not saying all of the time, just on the occasions shown) not likely, but as we can believe in landing on distant planets or vampires going to high school, the idea of  people living in the same street for most of their lives doesn't seem too unlikely. My dad has lived in the same street for 75 years, with a bad junction at the end. This is not so much about could it happen, rather what is the message. Like an Aesop fable.

The other challenge i set myself was to write a tale without dialogue. Let the actions move the story.

Quoted from crookedowl Also, instead of just writing "SIX MONTHS LATER," you should write "SUPER: SIX MONTHS LATER" because otherwise there's no way to tell how much time has passed when watching it on film.

fair point and good suggestion.

Quoted from CoopBazinga A couple of awkward phrases which confused me “Amanda stops, giggles, goes back to the house and locks the door.” “Dave frowns, shakes his head...relaxes.” “They jump in the car, drive down the estate road” Amanda locked herself in the house, and then they jump in the car? Why even have the sentence with Amanda going back into the house?

Thanks for raising this.

The junction is where we see his life pass before him. To set this up i wanted to foreshadow his character with an action/reaction scene. What we see here is them [1] together happy, but[2] Amanda realises they haven't locked the door, she laughs - we see a warmed hearted character but [3] Dave frowns - he's a serious character, further [4] she has taken responsibility, he has not, so [5] he isn't aware that he was equally to blame but has tried to pass the buck. it then sets up the series of shots and the issue he must overcome to resolve his character arc movement.

As to her going back, that was just amanda locking the door (not sure why you think she would lock herself inside) before they drive off. She undertakes the duty, he just watches.

Otherwise, thanks for the feedback. Not every story will work for us when reading, but again thanks for honest feedback.

Quoted from darrentomalin Found this quite sweet, nice montage but thought the wife had died at the last shot of the montage when he was alone in the car - that section was soldily written and reminded me of the montage in UP.. I like the premise, 30 odd years is a bit of a stretch to believe this was going on but the IDEA that something seemingly so trivial and the actions of a stranger you've known for 3 decades can change a person is what I like about this story. Some slug tinkering is needed. I can imagine this as a music video! Daz

Thanks Daz, some good observations. I had never thought of the wife as being seen as dead! Interesting thought.

Thanks for spotting the trivial moment compounded into something deeper. Yeah, the 30 years sounds a bit long, but if made it 20 years the issues still remains.

I have this feeling a viewer watching this short would accept that more than us readers.

Music video - lovely idea. Dread to imagine the music. Almost a funeral march!!

Cheers Everyone.

Hey, Bill.

I too had issues with your slugs and the missing 'SUPER'S'.  I also echo the above concerns about how likely someone is to continually drive down a road that causes them so much grief. I also thought Amanda had died until the final scene.  I think I understand what you were aiming for here; you don't know what you've got till its gone?  I think it needs some work as it feels a little rushed in its present state.

Yeah - I quite liked this - it wasn't what I expected - I was almost going to give you a quote on how, according to one major scriptwriter, many execs are known to skip the action lines and go through the dialogue, but then I was at the end of the script - read like a breeze to me - I'm not saying that there's no issues with it - but my scripts are always dialogue-heavy so that's my focus, so I think you've achieved something here - action only scripts can be really difficult to make interesting, and I think you pulled it off - I'm not really interested in going to format - you kept the interest with the story, and I got what you were doing - and I felt the 'whiskey with a bow' - but too late was a really nice touch; but he knows what he has to do. Key to it really I think is that Dave is clearly flawed - people have asked  why he got so wound up etc - he's clearly not the greatest guy, but his redemption comes in his understanding - 30 years at a junction - I don't think the junction itself is important here is it - I'm guessing it just represents opportunities to make decisions, and then one day it changes, and he values that. I liked this all the way.

Hey Bill,

Quoted from Reef Dreamer This was an experimental piece and i guessed it wouldn't be for everyone but it seemed to better to post it here so that we can kick it around and learn. It is a conscious effort to depart from the standard.

Okay, I don’t think I gave you any credit for what you’re trying to achieve with this and for that, I apologise. Let’s just say I was too quick out the gate with one quick read and didn’t give it the time it deserves. My bad.

I’ve read this again today after your reply and it read a lot better the second time. The last scene between Dave and Amanda in the kitchen I sort of washed over the first time but again, it had a lot more substance on the second read. It was actually my favourite part of this little story.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer The other challenge i set myself was to write a tale without dialogue. Let the actions move the story.

I want to credit you for trying something different, expanding your writing techniques and telling a story without dialogue. It’s difficult to do and a challenge for any writer especially for newbs like me who is too scared to even try it, I could never pull it off!

Quoted from Reef Dreamer the story which is not really about an annoying junction, it is a metaphor about awareness.

The junction still doesn’t work for me even as a metaphor but that could be more to do with my hatred to traffic rather the particular junction here in your story. :)

Quoted from Reef Dreamer What we see here is them [1] together happy, but[2] Amanda realises they haven't locked the door, she laughs - we see a warmed hearted character but [3] Dave frowns - he's a serious character, further [4] she has taken responsibility, he has not, so [5] he isn't aware that he was equally to blame but has tried to pass the buck. it then sets up the series of shots and the issue he must overcome to resolve his character arc movement. As to her going back, that was just amanda locking the door (not sure why you think she would lock herself inside) before they drive off. She undertakes the duty, he just watches.

Now you’ve explained how it was directed, this sentence makes a lot of sense(of course, she was closing the door) But I hope understand how some readers like myself will make that mistake when reading this over, maybe it’s because I’m stupid and a fast reader but it wasn’t clear enough on first read is all. It’s so simple to clarify that sentence as well, but again, if you the writer think its clear, that’s good enough :)

Overall, it still wasn’t for me I’m afraid. The junction scenes just turn me off is all. I keep telling myself, go another route, go another route. I know it’s not about that but I can’t help it. This is just my opinion but others will like it like Simon and Darren who have commented above.

Quoted from CoopBazinga it’s just such a weak premise

Again, sorry for being so brash in my original post. Though I don’t like the story, I do respect the effort and different form of technique you’ve tried here, it will only help you develop as a writer.

Good effort :)

Steve

Hey Steve,

No worries on that. When I posted this I knew that it wouldn't be for everyone but I was keen to get feedback and that's what you gave.

I don't know about you, but when I have read a script and then gone back to re read it following others comments, I find I learn more than virtually any other read. It becomes much deeper.

Apart from the story, two issues have arisen. Slugs - slimy  suckers. I did think they were fine but I take on board what people have said. Supers - now, that was more obvious and it was silly not to do those.

The beauty of Dropbox is that if I have time I can get them changed for future readers.

Simon, Alfy - thanks for the reads. I will reply separately but away from my computer at the moment so have limited capability eg quoting.

Hey there Bill,

Always a pleasure to crack open new material from contributing members.
I see by the posts I should pull my metaphor hat out of the closet.

P. 1
I don't know what a "saloon car" is.

P. 2
The metaphorical traffic jam got me interested.

The time passages can be tricky.
Unless you're going to put it all on the wardrobe department or something.
If not, then SUPERs or a calendar motif may be the way to go.

The pages read pretty well, and I do get the life as art vibe here.
It's pretty good food for thought.
Think I missed out on Ron's importance.
Though I wish there was more to do with the cool car thing.
That's my fave idea on display here.

Regards,
E.D.

Page 1:  I actually don't think the second scene achieves anything that the first and third don't.  We don't need to be shown that they got the house.  We know; it's right there in scenes 1 and 3.

Page 2:  Amanda is a little bit too perfect for my liking.  All she is is calm, peaceful, pretty, wonderful.  Be nice to see a little life outta her.

Page 3:  I'm on the fence about this one, but my gut reaction is, we know it's Ron.  Having his picture on the side of the hearse is over the top.  Actually, you know what would be cool is if we saw a hearse go by, Dave watching, then see Ron's vehicle following it, sans Ron...and perhaps avec grieving kids, family, etc.  Just an idea.

Thoughts:

So not an entirely unfamiliar story/message, but an always timely one and one which is uniquely presented.  My main complaint, as above, is Amanda.  She seems to exist only as a barometer by which to judge the development of Dave's character.  We understand that her character is different from Dave's, in terms of broad strokes, but in order for this story to have any kind of broad impact, I think it's necessary that we also feel the specificity of it on the page, and that's currently lacking due to Amanda being what I would call a "perfect" character.  I don't know if that complaint is sufficiently presented or if I should elaborate...anyway.  To a much lesser extent, I would argue that the same is true for Ron.  He works as a foil for Dave, but the less we know about him, the more transparent the nature of his character as device becomes.  I understand that it's a very brief story, but I don't think that there's any reason that we can't see some small signs of unique humanity in both Amanda and Ron.

I'm interested in how you would characterize the thematic relationship, if there is one, between Ron's kindness, or perhaps basic decency, and the (I presume) similar attributes of Amanda.  Is that a connection which it is your intent the reader draw?

Thanks, enjoyed this.

Chris

Allfy,

Thanks for the read. Not sure we have crossed paths before - i think i spotted you at Circalit - but if you have anything you would like read, let me know.

Quoted from alffy Hey, Bill. I too had issues with your slugs and the missing 'SUPER'S'.  I also echo the above concerns about how likely someone is to continually drive down a road that causes them so much grief. I also thought Amanda had died until the final scene.  I think I understand what you were aiming for here; you don't know what you've got till its gone?  I think it needs some work as it feels a little rushed in its present state.

Arh those blasted supers! I've amended the script now and hopefully it is clearer. It is an issue when a script bounces around how much you leave to the producer to show and how much you tell, but it did need a couple.

One issue i don't agree with, and you are not alone, is the idea that someone can drive down a road for a chunk of their life and meet their neighbour. Admittedly it is pushed a bit in this but the focus is really on Dave and how he fails to appreciate whats around. The act is not core to the film.

As there is NO chance of this being produced we will never know, but my gut feel is that the viewer could cope with that. Who knows.

PS like the two fingers - so to speak.

Quoted from Forgive Yeah - I quite liked this - it wasn't what I expected - I was almost going to give you a quote on how, according to one major scriptwriter, many execs are known to skip the action lines and go through the dialogue, but then I was at the end of the script - read like a breeze to me - I'm not saying that there's no issues with it - but my scripts are always dialogue-heavy so that's my focus, so I think you've achieved something here - action only scripts can be really difficult to make interesting, and I think you pulled it off - I'm not really interested in going to format - you kept the interest with the story, and I got what you were doing - and I felt the 'whiskey with a bow' - but too late was a really nice touch; but he knows what he has to do. Key to it really I think is that Dave is clearly flawed - people have asked  why he got so wound up etc - he's clearly not the greatest guy, but his redemption comes in his understanding - 30 years at a junction - I don't think the junction itself is important here is it - I'm guessing it just represents opportunities to make decisions, and then one day it changes, and he values that. I liked this all the way.

Pretty much spot on. The junction not only forms the metaphor but the pinch of where it happens.

The script was a simple experiment.  I was impressed with a scene in the Illusionist where the lead character tries to go on stage three times, only to be kicked off each time. You would have to see the film (highly recommended) but I thought it was powerful and effective - without any words.

all the best.

I thought this was written very well..didn't have much of an issue with the SLUGS.

The story itself is sweet.  I just kept thinking it odd that Ron would show up at the same time to let them in.  But in the end it's a cool look at a man's life and how a stranger can make such an impact.  Nice to see him come around at the end so he and his wife can start a new chapter.

Nice job.  

I was thinking a bit more about your argument about someone driving down the same road everyday even if it annoys them and I guess it is plausible, if it's shortest route to work then I would probably use it. I say this because I use to have to pull out of a junction at a railway crossing and it was a nightmare, I could have gone another way but it would have added a good 5 minutes onto my journey so I just liked it and lumped it, so to speak. As for the two fingers...I was bored with a Biro.

sorry for the delay in replying.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I don't know what a "saloon car" is. The pages read pretty well, and I do get the life as art vibe here. It's pretty good food for thought. Think I missed out on Ron's importance. Though I wish there was more to do with the cool car thing. That's my fave idea on display here. Regards, E.D.

Hey, Brett thanks for kind read again, you really do give so much back. Saloon car is a four door family car. thats two scripts in a row where my car description has not crossed the atlantic so well. always a good reminder on details.

Thanks for spotting the art thing.

Quoted from Heretic Page 1:  I actually don't think the second scene achieves anything that the first and third don't.  We don't need to be shown that they got the house.  We know; it's right there in scenes 1 and 3.

Interesting. I liked it because i wanted to show the warmth between thats is lost and has to be refound and the "carry your girl over the threshold" was an easy visual signal. However, it could be evolved in the others. i suppose i preferred the harmony of scenes, before, during and then after.

Quoted from Heretic Page 2:  Amanda is a little bit too perfect for my liking.  All she is is calm, peaceful, pretty, wonderful.  Be nice to see a little life outta her.

Ooh you are harsh about the poor girl. It is really dave's story so she has to be a little neutral but we see a character arc  from her as she goes through Happy, submissive, home maker to emotionally distant. she has been broken, despite her goodwill and it is for dave to win it back. I don't feel she is a perfect character - look whats she has allowed to happen. Submissive yes, perfect, no. IMO

Thanks for the read and all the best with your film - sounds beyond exciting.

Quoted from mmmarnie I thought this was written very well..didn't have much of an issue with the SLUGS. The story itself is sweet.  I just kept thinking it odd that Ron would show up at the same time to let them in.  But in the end it's a cool look at a man's life and how a stranger can make such an impact.  Nice to see him come around at the end so he and his wife can start a new chapter. Nice job.

Marne thanks for the read. It is meant to be a sweet tale but hopefully one that lingers. I thought i would post a happy ending as so many drift into darkness.

all the best

Bill

My apologies if I was being too straight forward in the feedback of your script. I realized there was probably a deeper meaning and yes "the junction of course" was a metaphor of some sorts...
I read it again and it just doesn`t work for me.... But you`re not writing it for me, you`re writing for you.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer So, back to the story which is not really about an annoying junction, it is a metaphor about awareness. One day Dave becomes aware that Ron is old and has always been kind. He realises he wishes to say thank you, but never gets the chance. He misses it. It is this lack of chance, with the crisp message from Rons children that makes dave aware that he could lose the same opportunity at home. He is at a junction of life, with choices and directions. He turns around.

I get it NOW! :)

I would be the first to admit, that I am not a deep thinker when it comes to reading scripts, I basically say what I see(I write comedies... No bells or whistles).
There are a lot of great writers and readers on this site, that give much more indepth feedback than I do. But when you have to explain your entire script on feedback to not only myself, but a few others then I don`t feel so bad.:)

You`re still a great writer.

Mark

Thanks chaps for re reading/thinking about this.

Quoted from alffy I was thinking a bit more about your argument about someone driving down the same road everyday even if it annoys them and I guess it is plausible, if it's shortest route to work then I would probably use it. I say this because I use to have to pull out of a junction at a railway crossing and it was a nightmare,.

Yeah, the reality is that one could question the premise but if we can have vampires at high school maybe it could work. in terms of the junction the way i saw it was simpler. it is the ONLY way out of the estate. The junction isn't a disaster it's just busy.

Quoted from irish eyes My apologies if I was being too straight forward in the feedback of your script. I realized there was probably a deeper meaning and yes "the junction of course" was a metaphor of some sorts... I read it again and it just doesn`t work for me.... But you`re not writing it for me, you`re writing for you.

No worries Mark, and thanks for giving it a second chance. Appreciated. Indeed, i think i may owe you an apology for not replying to your first post, i think.

It is an interesting question about explaining the script. I agree that it is best that you don't have to. Having said that when you have one which is a little different i suppose it helps the read, a bit like the background to a painting helps you appreciate what the painter was trying. Well, if you're like me, you definitely need a background to a painting as i haven't a clue what what most famous artists were trying to do (not that i'm trying to compare)

cheers

bill

My biggest problem with this piece is that every time this title pops up on the portal, the internal song-generator in my head immediately begins playing the infernal theme from Petticoat Junction -- only vaguely remembered from my earliest childhood, but somehow still rattling around up there many years later for reasons completely unknown.  And it won't go away for hours.  It is slowly driving me mad.

But I digress.

Nicely told without dialogue, which is never easy, but you do need to add page numbers. Everything was smooth, and I read it straight through without really noting any comments.

But the meaning was a bit lost on me until I went back to read your responses.

I did not really get the sense of tension you were going for between Dave and Amanda, particularly with the inclusion of the children. I thought you meant to depict his life proceeding in a fairly normal fashion -- but then, perhaps losing that sense of perspective IS life proceeding in a normal fashion.  Which may be, in part, what this story is really about I guess.

I did see the clues later when I went back and looked for them, and I suspect that visually -- with actors and direction -- these subtle things would have been more evident from the outset.

And that bit with Amanda and the knife at the very end.  You might reconsider that small part, as at that point I really started to wonder where the heck you were going with this.

But apart from that, I guess my only real advice with this one is to make your message a little less subtle, if you think it needs to be, based on some of the comments for this.  But maybe you feel you have gotten it just right, and you could probably make a valid case for that, too.  There is nothing wrong with a piece that demands a little thought.

Hey Bert,

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from bert My biggest problem with this piece is that every time this title pops up on the portal, the internal song-generator in my head immediately begins playing the infernal theme from Petticoat Junction

not one i know, but it is funny how we attach to words. i read a title and log line at Mp today which just jumped out at me for my personal reasons. You can never guess the issues that arise, indeed it is a delight to hear these things if you stand back for a minute.

Quoted from bert Nicely told without dialogue, which is never easy, but you do need to add page numbers. Everything was smooth, and I read it straight through without really noting any comments.

Page numbers! Hadn't even crossed my mind. How slack is that!

Quoted from bert But the meaning was a bit lost on me until I went back to read your responses. I did not really get the sense of tension you were going for between Dave and Amanda, particularly with the inclusion of the children. I thought you meant to depict his life proceeding in a fairly normal fashion -- but then, perhaps losing that sense of perspective IS life proceeding in a normal fashion.  Which may be, in part, what this story is really about I guess. I did see the clues later when I went back and looked for them, and I suspect that visually -- with actors and direction -- these subtle things would have been more evident from the outset.

This script has done exactly what i asked of it. To allow me to try something different, learn the lessons of a script without dialogue and on the way give the reader, in 3-4 pages, something with a touch of depth to reflect on. It hasn't worked for everyone and the application of subtleness is one of the core issues i have taken away.

In fact your comments have made me realise a small but subtle shift i can make in the interchange between them, within the car series of shots, that will affect meaning. A single word here, a change there, all shifts the tone, the clarity etc.

Quoted from bert And that bit with Amanda and the knife at the very end.  You might reconsider that small part, as at that point I really started to wonder where the heck you were going with this.

The knife! I expected more on this but you are the only one, i think. This was on purpose. I wanted the script to be a mystery of why, only resolved at the end. The knife reflected a raising of the stakes. Does the reader have it right, which way is this going etc? Yet, the knife is fully explainable, she was chopping vegetables.  So it becomes a breath in moment, only to be explained so you can breath out.  

Again, not for everyone, but the more i write, the more I try different things that not everyone will enjoy (True Myth was like that as well - if you have five minutes i would appreciate your thoughts on this as well), the more i feel i learn for the next one. (thats the theory!)

thanks for the comments

Hi Bill.
Nice story there. I tthink it could make a nice silent short or somekind of commercial. Clean write, nice draft. two thumbs up.

keep writing
Jahongir.

Quoted from Jahon Bahrom Hi Bill. Nice story there. I tthink it could make a nice silent short or somekind of commercial. Clean write, nice draft. two thumbs up. keep writing Jahongir.

Hey Jahongir,

thanks for the read.

This hasn't been everybody's style of script but it was a good exercise for me and at the end of the day i think it has some depth to it, which is nice to achieve.

all the best

Bill

This was an interesting piece, I liked it. I could see it being played out to music accompaniment in the form of a tone poem.

The writing is sharp and athletic, very little waste or flab. Since there is no dialogue you needed to convey everything in your prose and I thought you achieved it efficiently without fuss or over elaboration.

I liked how you took this seemingly insignificant routine of Dave and Amanda’s life and used it to represent and reflect their (particularly his) choice of life as a whole. A microcosm of the path they chose to lead their lives by (I feel Amanda can be accused of been just as responsible as Dave since she stuck around in the face of constant rejection and scorn) their relationship with each other, their family, to others around them and the world itself. Some might say the motif is a bit stretched, scant, arbitrary, incidental and Dave’s frustrations are overplayed but it’s what you were aiming for thematically that should be considered first and foremost and I thought you succeeded in drawing the parallel rather effectively.

His short temper and ingratitude for Ron’s good nature acts as a tangible measure of Dave’s life marred by cold indifference, misguided priorities and lack of appreciation for the things that really mean something. We only see glimpses and fragments of an existence but the impression given is that he never valued what was dear to him (until experiencing the epiphany) never saw the beauty in the things he took for granted, the glories of having a family, being loved by a loyal and affectionate wife. Instead, he was too worried about that junction and the subsequent absorption into the nameless masses of the perpetual rat race.

It’s in this way that the junction metaphor works well (that’s if I am reading this correctly). I felt that all of Dave’s energies were directed towards keeping up with everybody else, fitting in, being part of society. He didn’t care how he attained this (indicated in his repeated dismissal of Ron’s altruistic gestures) he was too focused on getting there, integrating himself into machine, being the proverbial cog and when he succeeded initially (when Ron first lets him out), he wanted to sustain it.

Luckily for Dave (unluckily for Rod) realisation and salvation doesn’t come too late, he finds it within him, his moral compass is aligned before it’s too late and I got the impression he was genuinely grateful for that. Seeing Rod’s coffin bought it home for him, his whole life flashed before his eyes and made him reassess his thinking. A heartfelt, uplifting if somewhat bittersweet end to the piece, the idea that we can change before it’s too late, it’s in us and only us.

An intriguing, mature work here, Bill, you cover a lot in so few pages both in passage of time and scope of concept. Most of all, from a personal perspective, it’s refreshing to see someone tell a story in a alternative, less conventional way. I’m always responsive to unorthodox efforts like these; we need to see more of them.

Well done.

Col.

hey Reef,

i want to go in this fresh, so i didnt read anyone else's feedback. so my apoloiges if i repeat any comments.

p1
does the clothes really add to the character? if not, i'd cut it from the description.

Dave dangles a set of house keys, Amanda grins, excited.
^no need to say she's excited. we get that. just a small nitpick

no dialogue so far? reads a little weird with no dialogue.

would make another slug for inside the car

At first, Dave laughs to Amanda, but with each passing car
his face tightens. He taps the steering wheel, faster and
faster...
^why would he laugh?

p2
okay, i see where you're going with this. some small details could be removed at the top of page 2 and the audience would still know what was going on. you "over describe" the action a bit too much.

p3
written much more concisely. much better than p2

p4
the ending scene really lingers, but it's excusable. you really want to focus in on that last scene and spend some time on it, so the writing should be a bit drawn out.

okay so overall, i feel like this story is all over the place. you need to focus it a bit more. first, the supers are very jarring. there's a lot of jumping around. that's okay, but i feel like it covers too much time. why include the first scene where dave and amanda buy a house? i feel like it distracts the reader from the message. i'm also confused about the whiskey. why would he wait for Ron? i read your comments and i like the metaphor. but i feel it could be applied elsewhere more effectively. not a big fan of junctions. for example, Ron could be the doorman at Dave's office. lastly, i feel like this was too long (even for 3.5 pages) for such a simple message. actually let me rephrase that, 3.5 pages is fine, but i think you focused in on the wrong scenes. there's too much needless fluff IMO. this story is about Dave and Ron's relationship. focus on that.

Hi Folks,

Sorry i haven't replied sooner to you all but i have been away for a few days.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 This was an interesting piece, I liked it. I could see it being played out to music accompaniment in the form of a tone poem. The writing is sharp and athletic, very little waste or flab. Since there is no dialogue you needed to convey everything in your prose and I thought you achieved it efficiently without fuss or over elaboration. An intriguing, mature work here, Bill, you cover a lot in so few pages both in passage of time and scope of concept. Most of all, from a personal perspective, it’s refreshing to see someone tell a story in a alternative, less conventional way. I’m always responsive to unorthodox efforts like these; we need to see more of them.

Col, thanks for the kind words. Your reply pretty much summed up the whole idea which is heartening to hear.

Tone poem!! - what an interesting idea (can i be honest and say i don't know what a tone poem is, but i do have an idea)

Mature work - yeah this was an aim and i'm glad it came across that way.

Quoted from albinopenguin p1 does the clothes really add to the character? if not, i'd cut it from the description. .

Hey AP, thanks for the read and honest feedback. The clothes? Fair point and i could see this cut. Why is it included, well its there really to add to the character dimension, him in the tight shirt (uptight character) her is flowing colourful patter (softer character), so in essence a visual clue. I can see this argued both ways.

Quoted from albinopenguin At first, Dave laughs to Amanda, but with each passing car his face tightens. He taps the steering wheel, faster and faster... ^why would he laugh?

Good question. The story is to have an arc from happiness, through stoical, to sad then resolution/acceptance. What many people do IMO is often hide characteristics which are then exposed later in a relationship or in life or at challenging circumstances. A classic example, is the little habit that someone likes at the beginning of a relationship but by  the end they want to shoot them for it. The habit remained the same, the person changed.

Here we illustrate that Dave has an uptight character bubbling under the surface. The length of traffic effectively TESTS him and he starts to show this side to him, hence why he at first tries to brush the circumstance off but then reverts to what he really feels. Would anybody laugh at traffic, at anytime? Well not often but they are proposed as being in love and excited about their house and life. Rose tinted, so to speak.

Quoted from albinopenguin okay so overall, i feel like this story is all over the place. you need to focus it a bit more. first, the supers are very jarring. there's a lot of jumping around. that's okay, but i feel like it covers too much time.

On the focus part i believe it is pretty focused to deliver 30 years and a major character arc in 4 pages, but your next point of too much time is a real possibility.

I agree the Supers jar. Originally they were in the titles and i was going to let the producer decide how to play (not that this would ever be produced) but others wanted a clearer guide. I accept it is a bit clumsy.

Quoted from Narciss [color=blue][b]Ok .. This is my 1st post here.. I was given this site by my film school teacher and he asked me to study and read and contribute here and I get marks on my behavior here accordingly :P and Im supposed to film and direct some of the scripts that I like for my film school portfolio.

Firstly, welcome to SS, you have come to a good place if you are filming. All i ask of readers is that they give a script a chance, provide honest feedback good or bad, and where possible some constructive comments. I think you achieved this.

Quoted from Narciss [color=blue][b]SUPER, INT , EXT and all those things are.. Now Im guessing its Internal, External extra but just to tell you that Im in no position to judge your hard work..

Always feel free to ask questions. Much better than not understanding and subsequently reading incorrectly.

You are right INT - interior, Ext exterior, These "titles" are often called the slug lines. A SUPER is a superimposed, so words that would appear on the screen.

Quoted from Narciss [color=blue][b] My opinion as a Director, This is a nice short 2-3 minutes movie.. But one that has an underlying meaning and therefore is not very easy to capture on camera. Also, scenes need lot of technical work done to characters, like Dave's age transformation, Amandas pregnancy, Cars moving (and here it should be different cars due to change of sense of place and time) you cant have the same exact road 40 years later.. So technically its hard to achieve on camera for director students..

First off, i want to say i am delighted to have your opinion as a director. This is quite different to a writer, so please feel free to do more this way.

Yeah, in my limited experience i agree with your comments. I liked the story but have never expected anybody to show an interest because of the issues you raised.

I would be interested in your opinion of one of my last scripts TRUE MYTH the link for which is;


http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-OWCUL/m-1325523295/

It fell under the Dec 2011 Urban Legends competition

In respect of the message and Ron, he is a catalyst rather than a Protagonist. The antagonist IMO is the inner demons of Dave which is what he must battle against. Ron is the reminder that he must appreciate life before it is too late. He never gets the chance to says thanks for the kindness shown over many years and this loss of opportunity is the spur he needs to make up with Amanda.

It was an experimental script so not for everyone, but i really appreciate your feedback. Well done for the first go.

cheers

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Music video - lovely idea. Dread to imagine the music. Almost a funeral march!!

Maybe send it to Radiohead's producer!!!

Hey Bill,

At 3.5 pages, how could I not check this out?

Your formatting is more or less okay. You take a lot of liberties, I'll say that, but it flows. Can't complain. Your initial slugs are pretty weak though.

SEMI DETACHED HOUSE

DAVE AND AMANDA'S DRIVEWAY

Nothing wrong, per se, but they just feel clumsy. I know you can come up with better. If anything, I'd drop the DAVE AND AMANDA'S and just go with DRIVEWAY. SEMI DETACHED HOUSE is just a poor description.

Also, lose the copyright from your title page. Not necessary. I tend to ignore the title page in most scripts but it stood out here, what with the script being so short.

As for your story, you have a decent structure and it all ties up nicely in the end. But I have to say, I'm on the fence. On the one hand, there's a sweetness to the script that's kinda nice and I think it'll work for a lot of people. On the other hand, it's kinda banal. Another "life's too short" script. On paper, I'm kind of ambivalent to this life affirming stuff but on the screen, they can be pretty insufferable.

I remember judging a short film for a festival in college. It featured a guy going through his everyday routine (waking up, showering, brushing teeth, etc.) set to V.O. about "life's little moments." Then at the end, the guy gets hit by a car whilst riding a bike.

...We all hated it (the judges, that is).

Anyway, that's a personal gripe. Make of it what you will. Honestly, this script was far from insufferable and for what it's worth, I think you succeeded in what you set out to do.

James,

Thanks for the read. I'm glad the hook worked - not the story but the 3.5 pages!

Quoted from James McClung Your formatting is more or less okay. You take a lot of liberties, I'll say that, but it flows. Can't complain. Your initial slugs are pretty weak though. SEMI DETACHED HOUSE DAVE AND AMANDA'S DRIVEWAY Nothing wrong, per se, but they just feel clumsy. I know you can come up with better. If anything, I'd drop the DAVE AND AMANDA'S and just go with DRIVEWAY. SEMI DETACHED HOUSE is just a poor description.

Point accepted. The slugs and the Supers have annoyed me, they need some refining. In fact i have just adjusted a couple.

Quoted from James McClung Also, lose the copyright from your title page. Not necessary. I tend to ignore the title page in most scripts but it stood out here, what with the script being so short.

Interesting. Not heard that one before as everyone has them on their scripts, long or short. I have to say i think i am safe as this is one of the least likely scripts to be produced!

Quoted from James McClung Anyway, that's a personal gripe. Make of it what you will. Honestly, this script was far from insufferable and for what it's worth, I think you succeeded in what you set out to do.

I consider that a success. I hadn't put this in the life is too short bracket, but now that you mention it, it clearly is. Glad it wasnt insufferable.

All the best.

Hey Bill

You have a nice sentimental touch. We don't see that enough in writers, in my opinion.

And I understand the lesson here about letting people know we appreciate them instead of taking them for granted. I think it's a nice premise, and worth pursuing.

I have a hard time understanding that on a crowded street it takes the same guy to always let the guy in...for 40 years! Traffic hasn't changed? They still leave the house to go to work at the same time? Even Ron? I want to buy into it, I can't. Sorry about that.

And then to add to the improbability, the funeral car even goes by at the same time, and has something I've never seen before, a sign like that.

I don't want to be guilty of not trying to play along with a story, suspending disbelief for the sake of the tale. This was just too much for me.

However, I really like the concept, and perhaps you could come up with some other scenario than the traffic merge one. Maybe he's a toll collector who has a smile every day, and then the one day the guy shows up with a gift, it's too late. Maybe the guy runs a newspaper stand. I don't know. There has to be something. Combine that with your firm touch on things, and you could really have something.

Bill,

At first glance I thought I would have a problem with the lack of dialogue, but after reading it the action didn't seem forced or natural so it became a non-issue. Props for that and for attempting something unconventional.

That being said the script as a whole bored me. Not to sound harsh I just wasn't able to connect with it though that may have to do with personal preferences.

While the story may be a metaphor, the story has to be able to stand alone as a plot in and of itself in order for the audience to reach the metaphor. From a textbook perspective, the idea and concept are intriguing. However the actual script fell flat due to the triviality of much of the subject matter.

To reiterate above comments, the slugs could use work. On page one we move from

EXT. SEMI DETACHED HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - DAY

to

EXT. SEMI DETACHED HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - DAY

If we're in the same place why bother with a new slug line? I also think it might be a good idea to write "INT. DAVE'S CAR - DAY" as a slug, then describe the recurrent introductions of Ron from Dave's POV. That might allow the audience to attain empathy with him and his conclusive change of heart at the end.

Also, for some reason it seemed like there was an extraneous use of commas. "Dave dangles a set of house keys, Amanda grins, excited" could be changed to "Dave dangles a set of house keys. Amanda grins, excited" (p1) or "Dave turns round and shouts at them, Amanda tries to calm matters but she�s ignored" to "Dave turns round and shouts at them, Amanda tries to calm matters but she�s ignored" (p2).

More English instructor channeling here: "Dave frowns at her, shakes his head...then relaxes as Amanda reaches him." The ellipses can be eliminated.

On page 2 where Dave accelerates then breaks hard, if traffic is so congested why are his moves so strong?

Like I as well as others have said the events seemed so avoidable. The fact that Dave and Ron arrived at the same junction at the same time each day made it hard for me to suspend disbelief. It was so futile that I thought there must be some insane cat under the rug under the cat under the rug plot twist on the way.

Hopefully my review didn't sound too reproachful. I love metaphor thus respect the conceit, but the hasty formatting and trivial story turned me off.

Thanks for the reads, i thought this one had slipped away.

Quoted from leitskev Hey Bill You have a nice sentimental touch. We don't see that enough in writers, in my opinion. I don't want to be guilty of not trying to play along with a story, suspending disbelief for the sake of the tale. This was just too much for me.

Thanks for the read Kevin. I'm glad you liked the sentimental element. I think you will find this run through out a lot of my writing.

In terms of the story, yeah, this worked for some, not for others. In my mind, on the screen, it would be less of an issue as effectively two neighbours bump into each other at a junction during the course of dave's mid life, but its not for everyone. As you can probably tell it was a little bit of an experiment and it served its purpose.

Quoted from tendai_moyo Bill, At first glance I thought I would have a problem with the lack of dialogue, but after reading it the action didn't seem forced or natural so it became a non-issue. Props for that and for attempting something unconventional.

First off, thanks for the read and review. You are right this was an experiment, a story without dialogue. As many will admit, they use dialogue to explain story, exposition, too much. This was a little challenge to myself to do the opposite, having had the idea, not surprisingly, at a junction!

Quoted from tendai_moyo That being said the script as a whole bored me. Not to sound harsh I just wasn't able to connect with it though that may have to do with personal preferences.

Thats ok, thats what you thought. In defence of the script it is a subtle life journey, about opportunities slipping away and small, seemingly irrelevant acts, helping one to change direction.

Quoted from tendai_moyo While the story may be a metaphor, the story has to be able to stand alone as a plot in and of itself in order for the audience to reach the metaphor. From a textbook perspective, the idea and concept are intriguing. However the actual script fell flat due to the triviality of much of the subject matter.

Interesting comment. Due to its length this doesn't have a major plot per se, its more a tale of observation, but having said that, there is a story of a man during his mid life years and how he interacts with those around him and his failure to do so leads to anger and distance.

I accept a lot appears trivial but, hopefully, all the elements add up to expose character, emotion and consideration - without words.

Quoted from tendai_moyo More English instructor channeling here: "Dave frowns at her, shakes his head...then relaxes as Amanda reaches him." The ellipses can be eliminated. On page 2 where Dave accelerates then breaks hard, if traffic is so congested why are his moves so strong?

Last two issues i'll come back on.

Yeah, the ellipses - totally agree they could be removed, but, they are there for a purpose IMO. I use them to show delay. They illustrate it takes time for him to relax, thereby exposing underlying character. The type of person who finds it hard to chill out and may become uptight about life and its struggles.

Acceleration! Again, what type of character pulls out of a junction into busy traffic and accelerates hard up to the next car? Normal person? a relaxed person? or maybe an uptight, anxious, trying to prove himself person. Anyway, those were the aims of those actions, to see inside the character.

all the best

Quoted from bert every time this title pops up on the portal, the internal song-generator in my head immediately begins playing the infernal theme from Petticoat Junction

Lol.  'Conjunction Junction' popped into mine when I first saw the title.

Hey Bill.

I think all in all, this was a pretty good effort, though it did have it's moments where I had to slow down my read and go back and read some things over.

Like when the wife had to go back and lock the door, I read that as she went back INTO the house and locked and closed the door.  I thought she was just playing with him or something.

Then later on, I think when Dave was 60 and his wife wasn't with him, that she had died somehow.  When she comes back into the story, I thought it was some kind of flashback, even though I know the SUPERS said next day and months later.

I also thought it read a little weird how annoyed he got at the junction.  I understand what you were doing and what you were going for in the story, but him getting so angry so easy just stuck out for me.

That might of had something to do with all the time jumps, too.  It seemed to go by so quick that I didn't have time to concentrate on the character or get to know him so good.

All that said, though, I did enjoy the read and liked how you wrote something thought-provoking.  There's definately skill in your writing and I like the subject you chose to write about.  It just seemed a little too jumpy and fast to get the full effect of the sentiment you were going for.

Another logline for a story of yours caught my eye, 'Falling Angels', so I'll be reading that and 'Pagan Man' later on tonight.

Hey Mark,

Thanks for the read.

This one was a bit hit and miss, worked for some not for others.  It was an experiment i set myself, to do a script without dialogue, force the story through images. On reflection, the sweep of this is quite large for just under four pages. The time changes make it a bit clunky.

But if you're able to stand back from that hopefully there's a tale beneath that sends a simple message about loss, chances, choices and what triggers someone to change.

I wasn't going to post this at first, but then i thought "sod it" the only way to learn is have these things ripped apart. It served its purpose well. I feel as if i have learnt a lot from this little story.

All the best.

Impressive for a no dialogue script.  

Everyone already covered my concerns so I won't bore you with them.

This makes me want to try a no dialogue script.

Well done.

Quoted from Nomad Impressive for a no dialogue script.   Everyone already covered my concerns so I won't bore you with them. This makes me want to try a no dialogue script. Well done.

Hey Thanks Nomad.

I didn't spot this at first, then i thought, that sounds juts like my script - doh!!

Writing without dialogue was a useful exercise, i may try others in due course, but keep it simpler. The story as a whole worked for some, not for others, but it served a purpose.

On reflection the sweep of 30-40 years was a bit too much for this to pull off, but worth the try.

All the best.

Quoted from Nomad This makes me want to try a no dialogue script.

Me too.  

Nice work, Reef.

A+ for originality.

Quoted from Calico_Bear Me too.   Nice work, Reef. A+ for originality.

Hey Calico,

Thanks for the read and welcome to SS.

A script without dialogue has its challenges but is worth a try, even if you decide to keep it to yourself. I was not going to post ATJ but then I thought, "who cares" might as well learn form others feedback and at 4 pages its not much of a demand.

Please let me know if i can return the read.

all the best

Hi Bill,

I enjoy the no dialogue scripts. I did one myself and it was a lot of fun. :)

I thought this was a nice little tale about how those we love are often put into the background as we muddle through the humdrum krud of our everyday lives.  :)

While I liked this, I think it needs a little tweaking to make it work.

I did like the part where the wife had to go back and close the door. I think if you added more scenes like that as they get older, you would enhance the script and make the ending a lot sweeter. Maybe her bring him his food or drink while he has his eye on the T.V., then her sitting down at a candle lit table, blowing the candle out, and eating alone... Stuff like that. A few more things like that that get worse over time.

I think your ending works (Loved it. It was sooo sweet) but I think you just need a little more in the middle. :-)

Cindy

Another read! Thanks Cindy.

I really thought this had run its course, but naturally delighted to have more comments.

Quoted from CindyLKeller I did like the part where the wife had to go back and close the door. I think if you added more scenes like that as they get older, you would enhance the script and make the ending a lot sweeter. Maybe her bring him his food or drink while he has his eye on the T.V., then her sitting down at a candle lit table, blowing the candle out, and eating alone... Stuff like that. A few more things like that that get worse over time. I think your ending works (Loved it. It was sooo sweet) but I think you just need a little more in the middle. :-) Cindy

Good point.

The script, at present, is very much at the start and end with a quick blast through the middle. I suppose i tried to keep the action, the passing of time, contained at the junction to reinforce the matter of choice and a metaphor for how we choose the direction in life we take, even though it may bring unhappiness or dissatisfaction.

However, i could equally see this played out with a lengthier middle section showing more domestic scenes.

All the best.

Thought he was going to Ron's funeral for a second there.

Anyway i enjoyed it. Really liked the montaged of him aging by the junction, kinda like the way the stress of traffic/routine drains out one's life in a way...

Quoted from vinny Thought he was going to Ron's funeral for a second there. Anyway i enjoyed it. Really liked the montaged of him aging by the junction, kinda like the way the stress of traffic/routine drains out one's life in a way...

Hey Vinny, thanks for the read. I don't think you are alone with your first thought, funny how we all read things differently.

I'm glad you felt the shots at the junction, a quick blast of life passing by, the meaning in front of you, the actions inappropriate or not ideal.

All the best.