Falling For Violet by Baron White - Short, Comedy - A young man goes after the woman of his dreams. Again. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Baron,

I'm sorry, but this needs a lot of work.

-Opening slug isn't right. I think "INT. APARTMENT - DAY" will do. Also, it's usually best to just stick with "DAY" or "NIGHT" in slugs.

-Your characters aren't introduced properly. When introducing them, type their names in ALL CAPS.

-"Jack searches the lounge of the messy apartment looking for a missing shoe." You need to show, not tell. If we're watching this on screen, how are we going to know that Jack is searching for a shoe?

-DENNY
Dude, calm down she’ll come around.

Should be:

Dude, calm down-- she'll come around.

-It's best not to use (beat) in dialogue. Use ellipses (...) instead.

-You said "this is a previous girlfriend." Show, don't tell.

Overall, the main problem with this is the grammar. Work on writing concise action lines. Use present tense. Stay away from words ending with "ing" in action lines. Read scripts, and keep writing and you'll get better.

Yep, this is pretty poorly written for sure and needs lots of help, but I do have to reply to Crooked Owl's feedback.

First of all, it is not "best" to stick with "DAY" or "NIGHT" in Slugs.  There's absolutely nothing wrong "MORNING", "EVENING", "CONTINUOUS", MOMENTS LATER", and even "LATER" as long as the time element makes sense and helps the reader follow along.  Without the aid of visuals (in a written script, vs. a filmed script), these additional time elements can really help with the clarity of the read, when done correctly.

"double dashes" are far from the only way in dialogue, or action description lines, to show a pause.

Same thing on the comment about not using "beat" in dialogue, which I totally disagree with.  Ellipses are great when used properly, but they don't work exactly like a beat does.  A beat shows a complete pause, which lasts longer than a second or 2.  They're best for showing dialogue taking place on the other end of a phone, when we don't hear what the onscreen character is hearing, whereas an ellipsis simply shows a short pause in the character's dialogue.  An ellipsis can also be used effectively in action lines to draw attention to something by causing a pause in the read, or to show that a quickly written action actually takes longer if you were watching it.

Just wanted to throw this out, as I hate seeing bad advice doled out.

Aside from the above-mentioned comments about formatting, I think this script could be tightened up... a lot.

Your opening descript:

Quoted Text A young man in a suit is eating a sandwich at a breakfast table (Denny), while another young, handsome man (Jack) searches the lounge of the messy apartment looking for a missing shoe.

could be shortened to:

Quoted Text DENNY (25) sits at the breakfast table, eating a sandwich, as JACK (25) races around, frantically looking for something.

This editing just shaved two lines off your script.  If you tighhten this script, it would probably be only four pages long.

And don't tell us what he's looking forward.  If we were watching this on the screen, we wouldn't know what he was looking for.


Phil