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Posted by: Don, February 1st, 2012, 11:31pm
Addiction by Anthony Hudson (alffy) - Short, Drama - His addiction has taken control, he has lost his job and now, Vincent risks losing his family too. (10 pages) - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Pale Yellow, February 2nd, 2012, 12:26am; Reply: 1
Hi,

I liked this  "ok" even though it had some typos, misspellings, grammar issues, missed question marks...

I think there were some questions I had while reading it. Why wouldn't his wife know what he was...why was he keeping it a secret..and was Debbie his baby? Just some questions.

The characters could have been developed better ...they were a bit flat.

The thing that needs the most work IMO is the dialogue.

The story was cute though and this read fast and easy.

Best of luck with it.
D
Posted by: crookedowl (Guest), February 2nd, 2012, 1:18am; Reply: 2
Hey Anthony,

I liked this, but it could be shortened. Especially the beginning. A lot of time is spent just watching Vincent standing around doing nothing.

A few errors I noticed are listed below. Nothing major:

-Page number on the first page.

-No FADE IN:

-"The quarreling group pass close by and stop." I think, because you're referring to the group as a whole, it should be "the quarreling group passes close by and stops." Same for the next line. Should be "A fight breaks out and the group disperses."

-"Vincent rests against the wall; just inside the side street." Hm...not sure if this is the right way to use a semicolon. I'd just say: "Vincent rests against the wall, just inside the side street," but I'm not sure.

-"A middle aged, and over weight, WOMAN." You can take out the two commas. "A middle-aged and overweight WOMAN" is fine.

-Get rid of the adverbs.

-"the disinfectant in the air burns his eyes." Show, don't tell. Have him blink a few times or have his eyes look red or something to show that it burns his eyes.

-VINCENT
What you still doing up, I
thought you were in bed?

Should be:

VINCENT
What you still doing up? I
thought you were in bed.

-KATY
...and you're case was full of blood
samples.

"your" not "you're"

-KATY
What does it matter, it's just a
facade.

Should be:

KATY
What does it matter? It's just a
facade.

I've noticed this a few other times. Be sure to get the punctuation right in dialogue.

I hope this helps. Overall, I liked this. It's written well for the most part, in my opinion. My only problem with this is that I'm a bit confused as to what kind of monster Vincent is... I'm guessing he's a vampire, but then how is he transparent?
Posted by: alffy, February 2nd, 2012, 2:52am; Reply: 3
Cheers guys. I'll respond more later but thanks for the reads. My grammer is always appaling. This was the first thing I wrote in over a year so I was trying to ease myself back in to it.
Posted by: CoopBazinga, February 2nd, 2012, 5:07am; Reply: 4
Hey Alffy,

It’s good to see an old contributing member back and writing.

This was an okay tale, needs to be shortened, a lot of superfluous scenes taking place IMO. I don’t think there was any need for the fast food scenes or the two police man looking in the side street. Also the first scene with the group fighting could be cut.

I was a bit confused by the end, I’m guessing Vincent is a vampire, either that or he’s just addicted to blood for some unknown reason. What confused me is if he is a vampire, why take test tubes of blood? Why not just feed on the woman he attacked? Also, why would a vampire get married and have children, again, guessing its Vincent’s child? He knows what danger he’s putting them in.

It would have also been nice to see Vincent beat or least try to beat his addiction at the end. He didn’t seem to fight it, I mean, this is his wife, not just some random woman. I just thought he would be more indecisive about this.

I like the idea behind this and think with a bit of polishing, this could be a good little short.

These are the notes I took during the read:

Page 1: The action could be tightened on this first page. Vincent's intro is a good example.

"Vincent leans against the window and peers through. He is in his thirties and wears a jacket to the knees. His face concealed beneath five days stubble. Could be:

"Vincent, 30's, wears a jacket down to his knees, a few days stubble. He leans against the window, observes the girls." Just a thought, try to avoid "he is", this isn't a good way to introduce a character IMO.

"A MAN, wearing bright shirt" try to avoid "ing" words if possible. "A MAN, wears a bright shirt"

"A crowd nears" I would capitalize crowd.  

                                                    MALE VOICE
                                      Deck him, Johnny!

                                                    MALE VOICE
                                      Yeah, punch him one!

This is confusing, is it the same person? I know it isn't but it could confuse the reader. They need individual dialogue names. If you’re not naming them, try something like "drunken man 1"  and then 2. I actually don't like that but hopefully you know what I'm trying to say, they need to be separate.

Found this scene with the crowd confusing, at first I thought they were having a go at Vincent but then a fight breaks out and Vincent isn't involved. Why were they fighting? What did have to do with Vincent?

Page 2: I would capitalize siren.

"Vincent rolls around a corner" Is he literally rolling around this corner? :)

I wonder whether you could have just had a mini slug for side street? Not positive on that on to be honest?

"Vincent rest against the wall; just inside the side street." I would take out the second line; we know it's the side street from the slug.

I understand he's watching but we would be seeing this on screen so shouldn't you changed slug here when the Bouncer prevents the teen from entering?

Yeah, I think that whole passage with the bouncers and the woman leaving the club should be a change of slug or at least a P.O.V.

Page 3: I think it would be better to name the woman, she talks more than one line. It might make the reader care about her more, it's hard to care for characters when they are called woman, man etc.

You have start a sentence with "he" 7 times in a row between page 3 and 4, try to mix it up a bit with different beginnings.

Page 4:  again here, start with "he" 6 times in a row. :P

"Suckles" Would sucks be better. Suckles is more used in terms of breastfeeding but maybe that's what you want? :)

Page 5: "He is shirtless" the dreaded "is" again. "He's shirtless" is better.

What's a two finger revolver? sounds like a gun. What is an attendant doing?

Page 6: “The woman’s body has gone.” Is she dead?

Two POLICEMEN forage amongst the rubbish bins.
                                POLICEMAN
                      Waste of time if you ask me.

Vincent passes by in the background.
                              
                               POLICEMAN
                     She’s just another junkie,
                     probably done over by her dealer?

Again this reads confusing, two different talkers but they have the same name in dialogue.

“INT. CAR – DAY” This slug could be continuous instead.

Another passage of sentences all starting with “he”

“INT. KITCHEN - HOUSE – DAY” the rest of the slugs read like this “INT. HOUSE – BATHROOM – NIGHT” House has changed around, not that it matters just always think it’s better to be consistent.

Page 7: Katy’s intro needs a little work.

“The front door is heard closing.” The front door closes sounds better.

Page 8: “Vincent stands and stares at his reflection in the mirror” take out “stands and” just “Vincent stares at his reflection in the mirror” a few lines could be tightened like this.

                                                   VINCENT
                                      What you still doing up, I
                                      thought you were in bed?
Missing question mark here.

“serges” you mean surges.

“you’re case” should be your.

“You know what I want to know.” Missing question mark.

Page 10: “or are there more than one?” Think it would read better as “or is there more than one”

“Katy erupts with a growl.” I don’t think growl is the right word here, makes me think she’s a dog or something.

It’s an okay short for me, needs polishing. I would also look at the length and try to cut it down a bit in a rewrite.

Not bad after taking a break from writing for a year but I think there’s better to come from you.

Hope this helps.

Good work and keep writing. :)

Steve.

p.s Thanks for the pm, will hopefully get around to Pub Lunch next week.
Posted by: Forgive, February 2nd, 2012, 6:48am; Reply: 5
Hi Alffy - you got some pretty comprehensive feedback from Coop, so I'm not going to go into any length, just some stuff that I don't think has been brought up:

EXT. STREET - You might be able to drop this, and just go with MARIO's... as it's likely to be on a street, and if it's not, then draw attention to it.

I like the attention to detail re take-away sign, I don't think it's perfectly executed (see Coop's post), but on the right lines; then on to the girls - so presents as the right line of thought.

#emits it’s welcome;
-should be its (possessive form). Maybe someone can delve into the semi-colon use - not too sure myself, think it should be a comma.

I've got a slight problem as to Vincent's whereabouts - is he across the road? I'm not too sure. I don't figure this out until the next page.

#Vincent remains silent.
-This is inaction, and there's no need to show it in an action line.

#Vincent remains uninterested. He stares into the Pizza Shop.
-As above, but I think you need to give it a little creativity, maybe Vincent does something, else you run the risk of - why look at him again?

Apart from that, I'd mainly echo what Coop has said - it's got potential.

Best of luck with it.
Posted by: Ectoplasm, February 2nd, 2012, 10:05am; Reply: 6
I dug this, the scene where he was draining the girl of blood really disturbed me, especially when he bite the wound. Although I think the characters could use more development, such as Vincent explaining where his addiction comes from before trying to fight it off. Overall this kept my attention, and like the others, I think it has potential, good work.
Posted by: alffy, February 2nd, 2012, 1:42pm; Reply: 7
Still away from my computer so I'll keep this short and respond more later.

Thanks for all the feedback and cheers Steve for your extensive review. I don't want to make excuses but like I said, this was the first thing I had wtitten in over a year so I felt like a novice again, hence some of the schoolboy errors lol. I wanted to write a modern day vampire story were the vamp is also trying to lead a near normal life. I will defo work on this soon.
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, February 2nd, 2012, 3:55pm; Reply: 8
Hey Allfy,

I enjoyed this, it had a distinct tone, a sense of mood.

Ok, a few things could be tightened In the writing and order, possibly a bit of trimming a the beginning but there is something about this. I didn't  think vampire, but it is a possibility.

I just sensed a disturbed man with a blood fetish, obsession.  i thought this because there is such a sense of reality flowing through this work, the barren urban town centre, the dodgy pizza cafe, the anger and violence. This is then used by the attacker as an opportunity, predatory. It's how it happens.

He comes home, his stash is thrown away and he can't cope - he takes it out on his wife.  Addiction causes people to lose a sense of reality, their sense of logic, the need takes over. This comes across as his most precious world has to suffer.

Ok, not a bag of laughs, but I like this and imagine this could make a gritty, realsitic and unsettling short film.

Cheers

Bill.
Posted by: Electric Dreamer, February 4th, 2012, 10:44am; Reply: 9
Hey Anthony,

Good to see you around the forums chiming in lately.
I'm going into this one cold, avoiding the previous posts.

Couple of pages in and I'm unsure what I'm paying attention to.
Vincent seems to be our guy, but it's all disjointed descriptions so far.
They feel like prose, even though mostly written in present tense.
Many of your descriptive flourishes are pushing me away from your narrative.

P. 5
I didn't know what this description meant.
He fumbles his name badge like a sheriff does his star.

I had a hard time following the story.
For a while, I thought it might be a vampire thing.
I'm guessing it's more of a substance addiction.
But I feel like your prose flirted with its subject matter.
I would've preferred a more involving straightforward approach.

Vincent's change from street predator to domestic turbulence felt awkward to me.
Clean up the prose and give us a little more to chew on with your dialogue, IMO.

Hope this helps. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.
Posted by: alffy, February 4th, 2012, 12:30pm; Reply: 10
Had a lot of comments so far regarding my descriptions. I'll hold my hands up and say again that I had written any script for a long while but had wrote a few short stories, hence the past/present tense mix-ups. I will sort this out in the new draft. A prime example is the quote above about the name badge. This is a reference to the assistant thinking he has authority; like a sheriff. I do like that line though lol.
Posted by: jwent6688, February 4th, 2012, 1:05pm; Reply: 11
Hi Alffy,

Good to see you writing again. I agree with others that this is a bit over written in the beginning.

I thought Vincent was a vampire at first, too. Then you have him walking in at day time. Plus the transparency of his torso through me off.

Overall, this kept my interest, but the writing through me off pace more than a couple of times. Didn't know what a hold-all was. Guessing a duffle bag? "fobs" open a car?

Anyways, i will be interested to see if there is an explanation behind Vincent's behavior. If there is no explanation, I won't be surprised. Seems many like to write intriguing shorts with no real answers. Personally, I think its a cop out. I want my cake and eat it too...

James
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), February 4th, 2012, 1:49pm; Reply: 12
Hey Alffy, good to see you back, like others have said.  Just saw this and gave it a read - a full read, surprise, surprise.

I don't want to be harsh or a dick, but you know I calls 'em, as I sees 'em.

The writing here is a mess, IMO.  Pretty much every single possible mistake is on display - grammar, punctuation, awkward writing, over writing, unclear writing, terrible Slug writing, poor action writing, tons of orphans, tense issues, and poor sentence structure.  It all needs attention and really drags the read down.

But you know what?  First of all, as I said, I did read the entire script, which is something I haven't been doing much lately.  Also, I was intrigued to find out what was going on and what was going to happen.  And all said and done, there is something here that could work.

As written, this is 11 pages, but in reality, without taking out a single action or beat, it could easily be condensed to 8 pages.  Taking out a few completely unnecessary scenes could reduce this down to 5 pages.  I think it should be around 10-12 pages, but I'm talking about adding at least 5 pages of new action and scenes.

So, as written, I think it's a real mess.  I see you haven't written in awhile, but as far as I'm concerned, that doesn't work as an excuse, based on the level and number of mistakes on display here.  One thing I really want to to stress to you is to drop all the use of semicolons.  IMO, they have absolutely no place in a screenplay.  But I can guarantee you that you're using them incorrectly, whether this is a screenplay or a short literary story.

Clean this thing up, Allfy and you'll have a nice little modern day vampire script on your hands.  Take care, man.
Posted by: alffy, February 4th, 2012, 4:35pm; Reply: 13
Ha ha it's good to be back and getting a bolloking for my bad grammer. I hang my head and will be compelled to redo this tomorrow. I will take on board all the comments and hopefully I'll get a positive review with next draft. It's like i've never been away. I love how members here hold no punches but frankly my face hurts now so i'm going for some ice. lol.
Posted by: blossomnina247 (Guest), February 13th, 2012, 2:26pm; Reply: 14
Hi Anthony,
I just read your script. I think it's good. However, I don't think it's a short. I think you need to consider making it a full length feature! As far as the grammer goes. Don't worry about that as much. Write and have someone else read over your work to help correct that challenge. :) Also, make sure to have a few actors read thru. the dialogue in order to hear your writing. I found myself improvising here and there.  Have a great weekend!

All the best,
Blossomnina247   :)
Posted by: alffy, February 13th, 2012, 6:10pm; Reply: 15
Thanks for the read blossomnina and i see its your first post too. I've just submitted a second draft which hasn't been posted yet but i hope it will add a bit more tension and i also think i've ironed out some of the errors too. If there's anything you want me to read of yours just let me know.
Posted by: alffy, February 17th, 2012, 5:38pm; Reply: 16
Just a quick note to say the new draft is up....if anyone's interested?
Posted by: CoopBazinga, February 17th, 2012, 6:48pm; Reply: 17
Hey Alffy,

Had a quick glance, this draft reads a lot nicer. I like you have cleaned up that opening scene with the crowd of drunks.

Now I understand what a “two finger revolver is” All you did is add one word of dialogue I believe but it reads so much different because if it IMO.

Still think you could cut the fast food scenes though.

No vampire element this time?

I thought the final scene between Katy and Vincent worked better this time but still feel it could be shorter.

I just have pulled the sentence below as an example where you could have used a comma instead of “and” It would be read better IMO.

“Vincent stands and fills his lungs with the night air and
he strides away from the scene.”

“Vincent stands, fills his lungs with the night air, strides away”

Anyway, hope you don’t mind I haven’t gone through this in greater detail but overall I think you’ve done a good job with the rewrite.

It reads smoother and a few issues have been cleared up.

Good job.

Steve
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), February 17th, 2012, 8:34pm; Reply: 18
Anthony, listen, man...I want to commend you, because your first page reads light years better than it did last time I read this.  Seriously...like midnight and noon!!   ;D ;D ;D

Wow, what an improvement.  If I were you, I'd look at the changes you made and read your old first page and this new one and take it all to heart what the differences are...and read them both again and again, so you "see" exactly what you did differently and "see" why it makes such a huge difference.

This is the way to go and IMO, you are on a whole new path now.

Cheers, bro...well done!
Posted by: alffy, February 18th, 2012, 4:00am; Reply: 19
Steve, thanks for the read. You're right about the comma's and glad you got the two finger revolver now, even though you think I should cut it. lol
I did cut the vampire references although I do regard this as a modern twist on a vampire tale.

Jeff, cheers for the help in getting this tighter and you were right, it does flow much better now.
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, February 19th, 2012, 1:25pm; Reply: 20
Hey Alffy,

Enjoyed the read and you've done well in polishing this.

SPOILERS

I still maintain this has a real tone to it, a gritty urban drama with a  sense of foreboding that comes with an addition thats is out of control. The nice twist here is the unusual addiction and the highly impersonal way this is fed, plus the consequences on the family unit when it arrives at home.

All the best
Posted by: alffy, February 19th, 2012, 3:04pm; Reply: 21
Bill, thanks for the read and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I wanted Vincent to be and feel alone despite having a family, and the impact on them when they find out about his secret.

Thanks for the review, mate.
Posted by: tendai_moyo, February 20th, 2012, 1:19am; Reply: 22
Anthony,

Overall I thought this was a decent script. I understand that you revised it, and I don't know if that included shortening, but until the end it sort of dragged on for me. You were clearly depicting the travesties of addiction from his lost job to his late night dejection, but certain parts felt too long. For example, it seems like the intent of the intro featuring Clare, Tina, and Lisa was to emphasize the creep factor alongside his thirst for the blood of a nubile female, but it might have been better if Vincent tangentially eyed her lustfully in the window as opposed to the exchange of dialogue among him and the three throwaway characters.

Vincent could have been more developed as well. He felt sort of stagnant, like his only purpose was to serve the plot and the message without really being a character on his own. Also, were you going for vampire? I got vampire.

I had a final complaint about Vincent's turn on Katy being OOC. However having said what I just did about his lack of discernible attributes aside for "addict", I've never met his character. My initial sentiment was that it would've made more sense for him to demand Katy leave before things got out of hand or for him to dash outside in search of a replacement victim, but I don't know the degree to which he truly loves his family nor how much a problem he acknowledges he has. Plus, you were trying to showcase how addiction makes people lose themselves, so to a certain extent I see what you did there.

Again, the last scene was my favorite because that's where conflict was introduced. Everything else wasn't bad, but I didn't faint from euphoria.
Posted by: Baltis. (Guest), February 20th, 2012, 1:45am; Reply: 23
Tight for time -- this is your 1st page in a nutshell.


-- Don't say mid thirties... say (30's)

-- You wrote this: "Distant incoherent shouts echo"

you should really, honestly, do this instead

(OS) faint, incoherent shouts echo.


-- You wrote this:  "Drunkenly approach"

No... never use LY adverbs.  EVER!

TINA and LISA stagger towards the entrance.  They stop outside.

-- You wrote this:  "He looks away."

Never use "look(s)"


He glances, examines, glares, peeks, peer, gawks, stares, investigates, checks, focuses, studies, considers, regards, survey's, scans -- etc...etc...etc...

-- You wrote this:  "Deliberately nudges Vincent"

Again, don't use LY words.

-- You wrote this: "The man laughs as he walks away."

As is a throw away word.  Don't use As if you can help it.  

The man laughs, walks away.

-- You wrote this:  "Vincent straightens his frame and inhales a deep breath."

And can be eliminated here and frame can be swaped with a more powerful word.

Vincent straightens his posture, takes a deep breath.

-- You wrote this: "A siren peeps in the distance."

(OS) a siren PEEPS.


-- You wrote this: "His knees buckle and he slides down into a seated position.  
He looks at the bar across the street."

His knees buckle, he slides to a seated position on the floor - he cases the bar across the street.


---

I'm, again, pressed for time... I will read the whole script and "try" to get back with you -- but I'm pretty backed up.  I hope I've helped you a bit.  Best of luck to you.
Posted by: alffy, February 20th, 2012, 2:49am; Reply: 24
Tendai, thanks for the read.

I've revised this script once and still having a bit of trouble getting the story in and keeping the pages down. I cut a few scenes from the first draft but bumped the final scene but I guess it's a little too long now.

Vampire was the idea but a different modern vampire, so I'm glad you got that.

Cheers.

Baltis, thanks for checking this out...even the first page lol.

I had a lot wrong in the first draft and with help from others I re-wrote most of it but it appears it's still not perfect.  Whether I'll dip into this again is doubtful as the story has left some readers disappointed so maybe it's time to move on anyway.

I hope you find the time to finish this and let me know what you think of the story.  Cheers.
Posted by: Baltis. (Guest), February 20th, 2012, 3:17am; Reply: 25
I finished it... To me it reminds me of "Martin", Gerorge Romero pseudo vampire flick from the 70's... It's not bad.  I read it, enjoyed it.  Didn't really do a lot new, but what does these days?

I think the strongest aspect was the dialogue towards the end.  Very strong, fast paced stuff.  The final scene was a nice visual...  Overal it's a moderately strong short script.  I wouldn't put it on the shelf just yet, tho.  There is work to be done on it, and my technical advice given previously, if not used on this script, should be used for your future work.

G'luck with your future work.
Posted by: alffy, February 20th, 2012, 7:41am; Reply: 26
Cheers for reading this Baltis and glad you enjoyed the story. I may have another go at tightening it yet too.  I've never seen 'Martin' although I've wanted to see it for a while.
Posted by: Baltis. (Guest), February 20th, 2012, 1:13pm; Reply: 27

Quoted from alffy
Cheers for reading this Baltis and glad you enjoyed the story. I may have another go at tightening it yet too.  I've never seen 'Martin' although I've wanted to see it for a while.


I wouldn't stress on it, save for the stick to the throat scene, your script  is much better to be honest.  At least yours was entertaining.
Posted by: leitskev, February 20th, 2012, 1:31pm; Reply: 28
Alffy

I have not read any of the other reviews, no idea how they are running. But I have to say I really liked this a lot. That usually means the other reviews are running negative, I hope not. This really accomplished an awful lot for a short. We got a real insight into what makes your character tick. Everything on the whole was very well executed. The dialogue was natural. Da-mn, you're good!

I also thought it was an original take on the genre, though I am not that familiar with all the vampire stuff out there. It seems that Vincent has no special powers that we normally associate with a vampire...and I like that! First time I've seen it. He needs blood to live. That's it. And he's trying to hold his family life together, trying to maintain his normal human, daylight world. But it's doomed, as his destiny lies in becoming a creature of the night.

Nice work indeed, in my amateur opinion.
Posted by: alffy, February 20th, 2012, 1:44pm; Reply: 29
Kev, thanks for the great review. I've had some good and some not so reviews so far, so this brightened my day. You pretty much got everything I wanted from the story; Vincent struggles to cope with his thirst for blood. Did you think the final scene ran too long?

If you have anything you want me to take a butchers at just let me know.
Cheers again for the review.
Posted by: leitskev, February 20th, 2012, 1:57pm; Reply: 30
If you've read any of my many reviews here, you know I am not afraid to butcher, and I am not quick to sing a story's praise. I don't blow smoke. I liked it.

After posting, I glanced at the reviews, but it seems I read an updated draft. Everyone was saying Vincent was not a vampire, and I thought maybe I screwed it up. As I was reading, I was weighing the possibility Vincent just thought he was a vampire, but you made a point of showing his neck scar.

Someone mentioned drug addiction, and I do see now that this may have been a metaphor for that issue.

I guess if I had a question, it would be about the shaving at the gas station. Why? Has he been gone for days? Any reason he can't shave at home? I understand he needs to disguise himself to a degree because of the crimes he commits. But why not shave when he gets home? It's actually more risky to do it at the gas station, as he was witnessed. And surely his wife saw him with a beard in the morning.

Unless that's his one superpower. Rapid facial hair growth. Man, that would be my luck if I received a super power, to end up with something like that.
Posted by: alffy, February 20th, 2012, 2:39pm; Reply: 31
Vincent is suppose to work as a medical salesman which means he will be away from home all week, hence shaving in the public restroom. Also he grew his beard and dressed like a homeless person as a disguise.

Oh when I said 'butchers' I meant 'look' lol. sorry that's a regional thing.
Posted by: leitskev, February 20th, 2012, 2:45pm; Reply: 32
I knew why he was disguised, but I wasn't sure how long he'd been gone. That clears it up.  

And regarding your earlier question, I did not think the ending was too long. In general, most shorts can be tightened up a bit. For the life of me, I don't know why we'd obsess over doing it, though. Will it make a difference in whether someone will film it? I doubt it. And if they decide to film it, they'll adapt it their own way anyway. I'd say this is good, it's done, time to write another! Good work, mission accomplished.
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, February 20th, 2012, 3:38pm; Reply: 33
Hey Alffy,

Is this a vampire tale? I understand the connection with blood but to me it always came across as a sick addiction, a variation of how people become addicted to all sorts of things gambling, alcohol, drugs etc it relationship to a mental health issues such as obsession eg cleaning rituals.

I think sometimes a confusion between genres can work but to me this best applies during a script which is cleared up at the end, if that makes sense.

Like Kevin, I enjoyed this and felt it had a real feel to it.

Cheers
Posted by: B.C., February 20th, 2012, 3:42pm; Reply: 34
Hey Alffy.

Even though I love the old-school Hammer and traditional vampire stories, If I had to choose I would rather watch the vamp tales set in more contemporary times that do away with the all the religious/crucifix/garlic to-do's that goes with the classic tales. Anyway, that's a long winded way of saying I liked this is as well. "Near Dark" is the big daddy of these for me, it's all about blood and survival with no fangs in sight. Good stuff.  

Like Kev, after the initial read, I felt the bathroom shave scene felt a little unneccesary. But now you have explained why its there it makes sense. Not sure why I didn't pick up that he's been away all week. Maybe it could be made more clearer? If it's in there I apologise, that would be the readers fault not the writers.

I liked the ending, suitably bleak. And I just saw your post about 'Format' in the other section. Can't say I noticed anything out of order here. Looks all ok to me.

I'm from oop North as well, but from the West side. I understood the 'Butchers' comment. I think you should work it in the script!

Nice short, good stuff.
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), February 20th, 2012, 3:52pm; Reply: 35
Alffy, based on this new back and forth, I have a question that I don't think is clear...or makes sense.

If Vinny is away for a week, supposedly working, where is he actually all week?  I assume he has to sleep, so why doesn't he have a cheap motel room somewhere?  My point goes back to the place where he shaves - in the original, it was a fast food restaurant, but now I take it, it's a gas station?

Unless I've missed something or something has radically changed in this final draft, there wasn't anythign involving a disguise, just him trying to look like he's been doing business all week when he gets home to his wifey...right?
Posted by: alffy, February 20th, 2012, 4:10pm; Reply: 36
Jeff, it is a fast food bathroom but I like your idea about the hotel and it would make his week away more obvious. As for the disguise, that was just kind of in my head.

Basket Case, love your screen name by the way, I think Near Dark is a great film and defo one of the best vampires films.

Oh yeah, Vincent is a vampire.

P.S. sorry for short replies but I'm on my phone as the wife is hogging the laptop lol.
Posted by: leitskev, February 20th, 2012, 4:24pm; Reply: 37
My fault for saying gas station. I mixed that up. I think you have this scene because you want to show his transformation, that he is not really a bum. Maybe you should just have him pull off a disguise, jump into a pinstripe suit or something. He's trying to remain Ward Cleaver with his family, but needs to disguise himself to do what he does.

I don't like the idea of his being away a week. It requires you to explain it, but it's also against the image you are going for, where Vincent is desperately clinging to his former life.

I think that just as this vampire has no special powers, he is also not killed by day light. It would be difficult to hide that long from your wife.
Posted by: albinopenguin, February 21st, 2012, 3:57pm; Reply: 38
hey Anthony,

i want to go into this fresh, so i'm purposely not looking at anyone else's comments. let's read as we go along.

cover page
do we need "second draft?" probably a debatable point. i'm assuming you wanted everyone on the boards to know that this was a revision

p1
had to read the bit with clare twice in order to get a feel for what was going on. the sequence is a little hard to understand. i'd tweak it so we knew that clare is with Tina and Lisa from the start.

p2
remove "they converse"

Emma stumbles passes Vincent.
^stumbles pass

some continuations might make this flow a bit more

A rubbish bin audience line either side.
Emma rounds the corner and bumps one of the bins. Its lid
falls and breaks the silence. She puts her finger to her
lips and shushes her clumsiness. She staggers on.
^remove the first sentence. remove "her clumsiness." you can't film that.

might want to capitalize sounds (ie BUZZ)

Vincent checks they are alone.
^Vincent looks around. No one else is in sight.

VINCENT
Don't struggle.
^seems a bit silly. I would just remove the piece of dialogue entirely.

flows nicely at this point. i'm intrigued.

BARKS

oh no. i'm hoping this isnt a vampire short. but i guess i'll find out in a few pages.

p4
would consolidate the shaving bit to just "he shaves." and then point out the scar, brown bag, etc.

driver's

p5
night's

what if vincent was completely silent up until he meets his family? just an idea.

wow, that was a quick turn of emotion. you need to build up to this. katy's super sweet and then BAM! she's pissy. give it a few more lines of dialogue. make her surprised, then pissed....or make her pissy from the start

p6
you're over directing a bit. in other words, you're telling the actor to do too much. phrases like "vincent hangs his head" really aren't needed. the actor can gather that info from his dialogue.

p7
KATY
Just stuff!
^question mark, not exclamation

VINCENT
I found them so thought why not.
^awkward. remove "thought"

juvie not juvi.

Well you won't get Juvi now will
you.
^question mark

dialogue is a bit on the nose. not too bad though.

p8
KATY
Who fucking knows!
^?...this is getting a bit tedious

p9
KATY
You need to talk about it, not
hide it. You were attacked,
Vincent, there's no shame in it.
^wait, what? first she attacks vincent...and now she's defending him? there's no consistency here.

not a huge fan of the ending. seems stereotypical.

finished it. okay so there are A LOT of unanswered questions here. but these questions come from inconsistency. katy goes from being happy to angry to defensive to naive. stick with just two or three emotions and follow them through.

my biggest questions is what happened to the attendant with the gun? completely pointless as he didnt add anything to the story. did i miss something?

not a bad piece of work by any means. the reason i'm being so thorough (and picky) is because this could be really good. granted i'm a little biased against the vampire genre, but it has potential.

best of luck with it.
Posted by: alffy, February 21st, 2012, 4:31pm; Reply: 39
Hey Albino, thanks for the insight.

I won't go into everything you've highlighted as 'don't do this' and 'do this', see my annoyed Format thread and you might understand why lol.

The attendant scene was just to show Vincent wasn't a homeless guy and was away from home. Also the attendant doesn't have a gun, it's his fingers.

I've always been a bit unsure of using some question marks. Things like 'well you won't go to juvie now will you', I didn't use a question mark as it wasn't a question, it was a statement so wasn't sure whether it should be used or not?

Other things like 'rubbish bin audience' can be filmed as it shows there are rubbish bins in the alley. I sometimes like to use phrases like this rather than 'rubbish bins in alley'. Also 'hangs his head' shows frustration. I guess this is just personal preference.

Not sure why 'don't struggle' seems silly?

Also you picked up on Katy's mood changes. My wife does this and it can be frightening. Happy to suspicious to forgiving to angry in a matter of moments lol.  I see what you mean though but I think arguments can run like.

Thanks for taking the time to give me such a long review. I know this has some faults and I'll hopefully pick this up again and make it better.

Cheers, mate.
Posted by: stevie, February 21st, 2012, 10:23pm; Reply: 40
Yo Alffy!

Good to see you back, man. I read this the other day but wasn't sure about the ending, so didn't post.
Read it again just now and still a bit vague on it. I think you have a neat little short in here but perhaps it needs coaxing out?

You're saying Vincent is def a vampire, ok? That's cool, we know he was maybe bitten years ago. And we know he needs to feed on fresh blood. It all works pretty good until the end.

It does sorta fit as is, but I felt it needed a stronger ending to do it justice.

I will re-read some of the other comments and muse on it.

Cheers stevie
Posted by: alffy, February 22nd, 2012, 2:58am; Reply: 41
Cheers Stevie. Think I'll ponder over some ideas to improve this. I've had some useful suggestions but I don't want to increase the page length really. I know the ending is a bit long at the moment but I wanted a good argument that also told a bit of story.
Cheers again, Stevie
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, February 22nd, 2012, 5:50am; Reply: 42
Alffy,

One thought came to me, which was to make him a trucker.

They are on the move, have a place to sleep in the cabin and can "hide" in the shadows, since they are normal. I knew a trucker who ran a double life with two "girls" around the country . They always have an excuse to be on the road.

I think I have seen one where a rapist was a trucker, maybe a real life story, so not new but you are only using this as a method of him doing what he needs to do. Maybe he could use the empty trailor for something

Just a thought.
Posted by: alffy, February 22nd, 2012, 9:52am; Reply: 43
Not a bad idea. At the moment he's (or was) a pharmaceutical rep which does mean he could be out on the road for days at a time but most people haven't picked up on this so maybe I should change it?
Posted by: James McClung, February 24th, 2012, 2:45pm; Reply: 44
Hi Anthony,

I conveniently read both versions of the script. The second is indeed far superior. I felt the focus on minutia for the first couple pages of the original really bogged down the script. I was happy to see you condensed it to more or less one page here. The story kicks off much better this way.

Still, a few elements remain problematic for me. Why would Emma, drunk or otherwise, wonder into a darkened alley alone in this kind of neighborhood? I don't buy it at all. I don't care how much she's had to drink. If she were that out of it, she wouldn't be able to get out of the bar.

I think it'd work better if Vincent attacked her at the mouth of the alley and actually pulled her in, whether this means he pursues her to the alley or hides in the alley and waits for her.

Also, I see what you're after with Vincent convulsing and such but there's no way he's gonna get that much blood from one little prick after he's taken the needle out. How much blood is left on your inner arm after you get blood drawn at the hospital? Not much. Vincent's gonna have to settle for just a taste and honestly, I think that'd have more effect.

The shaving bit in the restaurant, I don't get at all. I'd tell you to chuck it but I'd like to know what purpose it was supposed to serve in the first place. I haven't a clue. Care to fill me in?

Vincent's family life seems boring. I'm not sure if you're trying to make him sympathetic or just establishing that he indeed has a family. If the former, I'm gonna need more than this. You can't just establish a family and say "look, he's like you." I think you need a little more pizazz or intimacy or something on the home front.

Not much of a fan of Katy, honestly. Her emotions seem pretty inconsistent. Big leaps in demeanor are to be found throughout. It also seems that she's somehow in on the whole vampire thing yet to discard Vincent's blood doesn't seem to take it very seriously. Hence, she dies, arguably as a result of her own actions (stupidity?).

Your second half needs considerably more development than your first.

Finally, I think your logline's a little stale. You need to jazz it up a bit. Give it some more intensity. More pull.

Anyway, I thought this was a serviceable vampire story. I like the drug addict angle but I don't think there's that much freshness to it, otherwise, even if the problematic elements were corrected. Sorry to say I found this kinda same old, same old.
Posted by: alffy, February 24th, 2012, 3:04pm; Reply: 45
Hi, James. Cheers for the read.

The restaurant scene was suppose to show that Vincent isn't a homeless guy and is simply away from home. He cleans himself up before returning home. He is suppose to work as a rep, hence being away all week.

As for Emma walking down the alley, you'd be surprised how stupid drunk people are...I've plenty of experience lol.

I wanted to write a vampire story but put a different spin on it. If I'm honest, I don't think it worked too well, judging by the majority of the feedback. I guess something's work and some don't, and it's time to move on to the next project. I'm also having reservations about that now too lol. Basically because I've had it festering for a year or two and I think I really need to finish it.

If you have anything you would like me to read over, you need but ask. Cheers, mate.
Posted by: Colkurtz8, June 27th, 2012, 8:23am; Reply: 46
Anthony

This was rather good.

I’m sick of vampire and zombie stories and could do without reading or seeing another for a long, long time but here you offered a refreshing twist on the genre.

I first thought Vincent was just a bum, then a mugger, then rapist before realising his true intent. To be honest I was a little dismayed at this revelation but figured there was something different here when he went about extracting the blood with syringes and filling tubes rather than gorging, mouth first.

I thought then that he was collecting the blood for some un-dead higher power or perhaps was in fact working for some shady pharmaceutical company, wrong again on both counts.

Transferring events to a domestic setting is again a path less taken. Here I assumed that Katy was also a vamp but my expectations were incorrect here too so if anything the script certainly kept me guessing up until the very end. Only then do you realise what’s going on, Vincent being attacked himself, his addiction, his lying, all in an attempt to protective his family plus the sinister reality of the desperate situation he finds himself in now. You built things nicely, well paced.

My only criticism, if you can call it one, is that it feels unfinished. This would make a great opener to a longer piece where we follow Vincent as he battles his addiction perhaps goes after the ones infected him while looking out for his family. As it is, you got a fantastic pre credit sequence.

Good work.

Col.
Posted by: alffy, June 27th, 2012, 9:56am; Reply: 47
Hey, Col.

Cheers for the read and I'm glad it kept you guessing.

I too was sick of the Vampire thing at the present time.  My wife bangs on about 'Twilight' and the nonsense of beautiful Vampires.  I wanted to write something that showed a Vampire in the real world...if it was possible.  A desperate man trying to control his life.

I'm happy you enjoyed it and I never thought of continuing the story but you may have planted a seed....

If you want a read of anything, just let me know, mate.
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