Changing Tune by Baron White - Short, Drama - A young man with who suffers from agoraphobia tries to break his phobia and return to the world. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

This is the second script of yours I've read, Baron.  Hopefully you'll be participating on the boards sometime soon.

My comments from Falling For Violet apply here.  You need to tighten everything up.  It's not even a case of you're over-describing; you're just being too wordy in your writing.  You shouldn't submit anymore scripts until you've changed your writing style.

Read some scripts, here, and learn from them.


Phil

Hi Baron!

I agree with what Phil said, also, your general script formatting needs work. Title page should look something like this: http://www.screenaustralia.gov.au/documents/SA_publications/IG/SuggScriptLayout.pdf

When you introduce a new character, this is how it should be done. Instead of:

"A man in his mid twenties (Adam Griffin)"

It should be something like:
A man, ADAM GRIFFIN (25)....

Then continue with the description

When possible, narration describing events should be shown as actual events "Show don't tell", escpecially something as action packed as a robbery! Perhaps this flashback can be shown at the start, or cut into it mid way through the initial narration. Like "When I was a child I developped Agoraphobia" then cut into the scene.

Anyone else, correct me if I'm wrong, and feel free to disagree

Let's not have a discussion about this topic in this thread but I did want to point out you shouldn't format your script like this unless you are going for Australian government funding.

http://www.screenaustralia.gov.au/documents/SA_publications/IG/SuggScriptLayout.pdf

You should instead format like this.

http://www.oscars.org/awards/nicholl/scriptsample.pdf

Which is a more widely accepted format for spec scripts.

Excellent example of how formats can differ depending on who you're sending it to.