Jesus Saved Me But I'm Still a Jew by Sam Klien - Short - A trippy commentary on the overbearing presence of corporate advertising, taking place on route 66. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Now that's a title!

Sad to say I stopped reading after the first page.

You say the year is 1988? How do we know that?

"A purple, monster-like creature who is extremely overweight and furry, and a short, stocky man in a white t-shirt, leather jacket, tight denim jeans, with black, gelled hair that made his head look like a bowling ball walk in."

Wow, and I thought I wrote long descriptions. There are so many problems here. It goes for four lines but it's still only one sentence. Does it really matter if his head looks like a bowling ball?

Sorry to say, you need to boil down your descriptions. You have a lot of unneeded detail here.

Mohammad

Hey Sam,

This is your third script posted in the last few days and I haven't seen you reply once to any feedback? Are you around? Just wondered whether I would be wasting my time? Let me know if you are and I will leave some feedback.

Agree with Mo, That's one hell of a title.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

Wonderfully compelling title and logline. Will read when not taking the piss on work time like I am right now.

I also hope the writer is the new bearded chap who amused me greatly with his behaviour on your thread yesterday, Steve. Surely someone orchestrated the whole discussion as it was too comical to be true.

you can cut 2 pages off this easy just from limiting the description.  A lot of it is unnecessary "whose name is"  for example.

"starring" -> "Staring"

The conversation with the diner owner is pretty repetitive, and kinda pointless.

The parenthetical under Sam's name on page 4 is way too long.

Grimace (Super deep chuckling) shouldn't be written as a line of dialogue.

Sam's dialogue split on page 6 is wrong.

Well, as much as I love the idea of using Grimace for anything, and get a kick out of picturing him just staring at someone while making no sound... i dont get this.  I don't get this at all actually.  Maybe I'm missing something.

Was this literally your dream?  You just made a story out of your dream.  I won't lie, I've woken up before excited that the dream I just had would make for a crazy movie but I've never actually remembered enough to write down.

This is just a very random story.  I like some of the elements.  Diner along Route 66 is always a great setting, like I said, Grimace is great... but I never found Hamburgler to be all that intimidating.  I'd like this better if it was just Grimace stalking Sam.

I don't think the title works either.

Quoted from Andrew I also hope the writer is the new bearded chap who amused me greatly with his behaviour on your thread yesterday, Steve. Surely someone orchestrated the whole discussion as it was too comical to be true.

I agree, it was very comical especially his apparent wife with the feather who just happens to be a writer from here in W.A, real name Helen Iles and that was her Bronze Quill trophy she was holding.  I’m sure she will be honoured to know she was referenced to as Mrs. Sausage. ;D ;D

I doubt that this is his work though, Andrew.

Okay Sam,

While I was back, I took a look at the first page. Shorten and tighten the action, the dialogue needs some work as well, a lot of sayings like ya, per, se, eh going on.  Also, there’s a massive space where a word is missing from the restaurant owner’s description. A head like a bowling ball? That’s one big head.

This needs a lot of work I’m afraid to say, reads some scripts on here and try to contribute; you’ll be amazed at how much you learn in such a short space of time.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve.

I didn't quite get this. There are millions of mistakes, but I read it through anyway, because my scripts are not better crafted eighther. So I read it to see what was the story about and come up with conclusion that Jesus did not save him at the end of the day and he is not even a Jew. LOL.

Take care.


Jahongir.

so I'm not even to page 1 and i want to stop. why? because this s hit is on the cover page...

"A dream of mine and the 1971 McDonaldland commercial and
character"

no. no. no.

let's continue.

if the story is set in 1988 then you'll have to show us, not tell us. the scenery should be indicative of the year. or you can just write a super (which is probably a better idea).

name the restaurant owner

A purple, monster-like creature who is extremely overweight
and furry, and a short, stocky man in a white t-shirt,
leather jacket, tight denim jeans, with black, gelled hair
that made his head look like a bowling ball walk in.
^ can you say run on sentence?

i'm going to stop correcting your format, grammar, spelling, etc. you're not a member and you havent posted anything in reply. so i'm going to read the rest and comment on the story. the only reason i cracked this open in the first place is because i have 18 years of religion under my belt and though i could bring an interesting perspective to the table. let's see.

nevermind, i was wrong. i have nothing to say, except that this was incredibly pointless. there's a reason why you dont base shorts on dreams...because theyre not interesting. there's this one phrase that my girlfriend always says and it makes me cringe every g oddamn time she says. and that phrase is, "so, I had this dream last night..." GOOD LORD. I sigh everytime time because that phrase is followed by 10 minutes of the most boring, trite s hit i have ever heard. and then at the end, she'll ask me, "so what do you think my dream meant?" I think it meant that you were f ucking sleeping. the same can be said with this. this script isnt the least bit entertaining. could you make it work with a coherent story? possibly. but it would be part of a larger story. a story where the main character zones out and has a vision of mcdonald's characters in the deserts. now THAT, piques my curiousity.

Hi, the concept seriously sounds Lynchian like- backed up with a great title, but I felt the story was a bit lacklustre and the descriptions overlong. So a trim would perhaps be ideal.
Either way I can imagine this as an actual commercial today, which I would love to see and freak out the kids a bit.

Good Luck.
David.

Sam

just left some comments for you on anthers script but then see that you have three posted and haven't commented once.

You can't let this continue if you want feedback.

If you are around and take part i'll have a look at this, but at present anything with your name on will now be ignored until you pop up.

hope you take part

cheers