Four Walls by Chris Ray (kip) - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A man wakes in a room with no idea how he got in there. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

This was an interesting read, Chris.  Unfortunately, it didn't build too much once who established that 'Man' was locked in in the room.  You need to build a little suspense as the story happens.

I would recommend giving your main character a name.  We, the reader, would feel closer to him if we knew him as 'Bob' as opposed to 'Man.'  And get rid of the uppercase dialog; it's annoying to read.


Phil

Chris,

This felt like the powerful beginning to a great thriller. For me, it didn't make for a complete story, just the beginning of one, but one that I'd definitely want to watch. I want to know why the guy is in there and what this place is. Have you thought of lengthening this a bit or even making it into a feature?

All the best,

Mark

It was nicely wrote, but as Phil stated give the man a name, it creates a more personal feeling when reading it.
Also you have way too many wrylies or actor`s directions in your script, actor`s know how to act, you don`t need to tell them..
Maybe overkill on the cursing IMO and lose the uppercase dialogue, we can tell that he is shouting, just by the language you use.

Mark

Interesting, but way too much dialogue.

The CAPS IS ANNOYING -- as they say -- but even then, most of the dialogue isn't even necessary, as it is repetitive and laden with profanity.  I don't mind profanity, but do reach a point where enough is enough.

Cut the "talking to himself" by at least a third -- but I would say even more than that -- make every line really count -- and this will be more compelling.

Hey Kip,

I’m afraid I couldn’t get into this one, felt very repetitive to me if I’m honest. As Phil mentioned a name would have been nice and definitely lose the caps, they grew old fast!

I didn’t like the parentheticals (to himself) who else would he be talking too? Just felt they weren’t needed.

Also this line to the woman gave me a chuckle “Any other time baby.” Didn’t seem like the kind thing he would say in his situation but maybe that’s just me.

Also wondered about the growl? It’s not really explained but the whole 5 pages aren’t explained to be fair so...who knows?

Though the story didn’t work for me as it is, I thought your action was pretty neat and nicely written and ending left it open to lots of possibilities. I just can’t help feeling that this is a small part of a bigger picture

All the best with it.

Good work and keep writing. :)

Steve

Oh boy...

So, we've got a 5 page ripoff/alternate take on the movie "Cube" from 1997.  Only this time we have full frontal nudity, both make and female on display, as well as numerous couples engaged in full on sex with nothing covering them whatsoever.  Uh huh...

The swearing and CAPPED dialogue is quite irritating.  I actually was laughing with the "arse" and "arsehole" stuff.  That's classic.

Punctuation is poor throughout.  We've got asides and completely unnecessary details, words, and writing throughout.  But the capper has to be the last 1/2 page, starting with, "The view changes to an aerial view of the room.  Then we're treated to a ton of camera direction that makes about zero sense, if you think about it.

Check this out...

The wonderful wrylie "(screams at ceiling)" is a big issue, especially since it's placed right here before we somehow bust through the ceiling and then are able to look down right through all the ceilings.  See what I'm saying?  What happened to the ceilings?

OK, enough.  It seems like this writer just watched one of the Cube movies and decided to write a 5 page short completely based on that once original premise.  This doesn't go anywhere and nothing is remotely resolved, meaning the whole thing is a waste, IMO.

Hello everyone. Thanks for taking the time to give this little thing a read.

I'm a complete newbie at this, which is abundantly evident from some of the comments, so the feedback will be taken on the chin and absorbed. I'm here to learn, so will be paying closer attention.

Dreamscale, with regards to "Cube", I haven't actually seen it. Although looking at it on IMDB, I can see exactly where you're coming from. Thanks for pointing that out.

Hey Kip - nice to see you on the boards.

You've had lots of pointers so far, so I don't want to go over what other people have said too much, but here's what I saw:

#He slaps the wall to try and draw attention.
Should be -
-- He slaps the wall.
How do you show the viewer that he is trying to draw attention?

#He’s never felt anything like it before.
How do we know this? How are you informing the viewer of this?

#his ear against the wall, desperately hoping to hear something, anything.
#puts his ear to the floor and listens for a moment.
#Frustrated, he sits back on his heel
#he slides them across its surface, searching for an entrance,
#his mind working overtime.
#he hesitates, trying to work out how it got there.
#he frantically searches for where the food entered from.
#His head cocks, aware that something is in the room with him.

These are all unfilmables, as they stand. (Some of which, you might have been able to slip into the dialogue, instead of the annoying CAPS).

Focus on what you can see and hear.

Best of luck with it.

Simon

Thanks Simon.

I was under the misapprehension that shouting be capitalised, so apologies to everyone for that. I consider my wrist well and truly slapped for that.

As far as the actions are concerned, I'm not sure how I could have written it differently. Remove the emotions? Any pointers? I know you should try to show people not tell them, but I wrote it as I was seeing it in my mind. And you really don't want to know what goes on in there...

He picks up an apple that lies next to him. He squeezes it and smells it. It’s real.
MAN
WHAT YOU GIVING ME FOOD FOR, HUH?

Always options: One might be - he takes a bite, nods or something - then we know it's real, so we can loose the bit from the action line.

Or he can simply say it's real - instead of the dialogue that's there at the moment - depends where you want the story to go.

It's probably a tricky script to write if you are a newbie - so maybe think on other ideas?

Cheers Simon,

I'll bear that in mind.

As others have said this has already been done in the movie The Cube (great movie BTW and you should watch it immediately although I didn't care for the sequels). Way too much dialogue and way too much swearing. The swearing comes off really cheesy. I understand it's hard to lose the dialogue and end up with a script that is all action but the reality is anyone in your character's situation is not going to be have so many conversations with himself. Instead concenrate more on a good story. Good luck!

Hi Kip.

Log-line intrigued me, I'm into stories like this. (there are alot of them, though. And yeah, Cube is probably the most well known).

As you say, you're a newbie so alot of the things that are wrong with the script (the CAPPED dialogue) can be be forgiven. Don't worry about them, because they are easily rectified. You can learn all that technical stuff on this forum real quick.  

If this is your first (or one of your first) stabs at screenwriting then I think you should be given a 'well done'. You might be a natural. You do alot with a little, which can be a skill in itself, and the atmosphere that you wanted does come through. I liked the silent walls idea.  

The negatives -- the man's dialogue is pretty terrible. As others have mentioned, you could cut out most of it and let his actions do the talking. Definatly get rid of when he's shouting at his captors. Not only is it cheesy, it actually makes your character look like a bit of a tart, and you don't want that. You want us to root for him/feel his claustro-panic.

The bit with the naked woman showing up lets this down, especially when he starts shouting at the percieved voyeur-pervs.

Just a tiny note about 'unfilmables'. Alot of people will tell you that you cannot under any circumstances write things like 'his minds working overtime' because we can't see that on the screen. I'm one of the annoying idiots that thinks you can use stuff like this...but only in moderation, If it absolutely racks up the tension that little bit extra, use it. But never use at as a blanket substitute to actual action, because thats just lazy writing.

Your ending was predictable, but it's fine. Most things are.

Well done. I liked it. Keep writing, you will get better and it would be good to see.

Read and contribute here.    

Thanks for the input guys.

I must admit to a certain amount of trepidation posting on here. I didn't know what to expect. I'm under no illusion about the quality of anything I write, so it's good to have pointers on the obvious big no-no's.

I've read a few scripts on here so I think the formatting was ok, but puncutation appears to be an issue that needs addressing too.

As far as commenting on other peoples scripts is concerned, I was initially hesitant about it, only because I wasn't sure what I could meaningfully contribute to anything posted. I'll have an opinion about things, but didn't want to sound like a complete tool. Anyway, I'll keep going.

Cheers.

That's the way to do it, Kip.  Good on you, as so many people don't take the next step of reading and providing feedback.

As per your feedback, in all honesty, what always works is simply what you felt about the script, just like seeing a movie.  Did you like it or didn't you and why?  As you read more scripts, you'll begin to see how some flow and some don't, how some are easy, clean reads, and others aren't at all.

You'll develop your own voice from all this, and as someone else already correctly pointed out, if this is your first effort, you're well on your way.

Good luck.

First off, I don't see any similiarities with the Cube other than there is a person in a box shouting a lot: 3 Cube movies, Saw, Fermat's Room, Exam etc (almost a sub genre of its own!)
I like 'person in a box shouting a lot' movies as they usually have some cool twist ending revealing the nature of why and where.  This however lacks any kind of pay off other than hey, there are a lot of people in boxes shouting (and screwing).

I get that the reader/watcher is meant to be wondering Who are they? why are they here? and who is doing this to them? and come up with their own answers but I felt cheated when there was no answer to what the growling, food and woman actually represented.

Daz

Quoted from darrentomalin First off, I don't see any similiarities with the Cube...

Yeah, me neither.

Quoted from bert Yeah, me neither.

Really?  Hmmm...let's see...

Exact same setup - someone is in a nondescript white room/cube, and they don't know how they got there.  Various tests and challenges are put upon the person/people.  End with a pull away revealing the extent of the setup, which basically tells us is created by hands other than human.

There are various other "copies" of this idea in both film and script form, and we've even sen a number of them, right here on SS and in OWC's.

Hey Chris,

Read your script. Agree with others that capitilazing dialogue is a no-no. "I'll kick your fucking arses". - Sounds nothing but cute to me. Because I often say arse instead of swearing. Ass is what you need here. If you want to be taken seriously by yanks.

Never saw the"Cube" but I found this interestin nonetheless. It's very over written. You can grasp your reader with less words and more... (Pauses).

This doesn't feel like a complete story to me. Even a short should have a begining middle, and end. This just feels like a scene. I like it though. Didn't read any comments, yet. Will go back to see if I missed something.

James

Chris,

I like the effort here.  I have never seen Cube, but what I'm seeing here has potential
You write well, so I think there are good things ahead for you.
The story does have a drawn-out, one-dimensional feel.

Yes, dump the cursing.  Once or twice, okay, but beyond that it gets annoying.
How about this guy being a "thinking man"? Less cursing, more thought.

It didn't bother me that the character had no name, but I was bothered that he didn't/couldn't formulate a goal. A plan.
Every element you introduce to the story has the potential to spin your story.

Maybe there no ceiling.  If he hurls the apple over, somebody throws it back.
Now he has hope.  Maybe it sparks an idea.
Maybe he can use the girl to give him a boost to the top of the 12-foot wall.
Or maybe, when the food appeared in the room, there were utensils - spoon, fork, knife.  Even if there is a plate, could he break it and use it to cut grooves in the wall.

Find a way to move the story forward so that we are always wondering, "What's next?"  

Instead of the camera pulling back, maybe this guy climbs to the corner and sees four rooms just like his.

You have writing skills and again, I think based on what I have read, your screenwriting skills will come around.  
If you put your character(s) in a situation, arm him with some opportunities to sustain interest to your final page.  

Great job and look forward to reading more of your work.

Abe

Thanks for the feedback people.

I probably didn't put as much thought into it as I should've. On reading it again, it doesn't really have a beginning, middle and only a poor attempt at an ending.

Abe, thanks for the positives. I like the idea about the guy climbing the wall, but I was trying to give the impression he couldn't see a way to get out, but others could see in. Kind of like a 2 way mirror. I think Simon was right, this was probably a bit too complicated for a first. It looked better in my head than on paper.

James, should I use American versions of words for scripts? Some of the ideas I have are based around London so probably wouldn't be in the right context.

I'm off to Blockbusters to see if they've got Cube in, just out of curiousity. :)

Thanks again.

Kip.

Quoted from Kip James, should I use American versions of words for scripts? Some of the ideas I have are based around London so probably wouldn't be in the right context.

If your story is based in the UK, write UK dialogue. I just thought "arses" sounded funny. Noticed I wasn't the first to point that out. Maybe it is just an American thing. It just made me chuckle and i know that's not what you were going for...

James

Hi there Chris,

I am fan of the Sci fi genre but this was a hard read for me.

I think because after the first page I was pretty sure it was not going to build to anything. Would have to agree with the other guys here that the fact that it didn't go anywhere was a problem.

This is a character driven story but what is it illuminating about this particular character? I was day dreaming just now I thought it would be cool to to maybe build to the revelation that he is in there of his own free will for some reason. Also if you crafted his dialogue carefully in the begining, you could make it appear that he's traumatic state comes from being locked in this room, but reveal later it is from him convincing himself not to leave.

Just an idea for you.

Lou

I never saw (or even knew about) Cube movies.  I thought this seemed like a neat Twilight Zone type of story.  I enjoyed it.  Fix the little writing bugs (as previously discussed), and you'll be fine.  I like your ideas.

Hi folks,

Thanks for the reads and the feedback.

Things have been going a bit Pete Tong for me lately, but I'll be back as soon as I can get things ironed out, so I can return some reads.


Cheers

:)