Sushi by Nathan Harper-Wendt - Short - Two young adults meet at a sushi restaurant. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Oh, Nathan, please.  Dude...the mistakes on display are completely unacceptable.

Did you even read this a single time before submitting it?  Seriously, man...just terrible.  Embarrassing, sorry to say.

Act like you care and at least read what you've typed before you go and submit it for all to read.

I didn't and won't make it to your 2nd Slug - the writing on display under your first Slug doesn't deserve a further read.

Really poor.

Hey Nathan,

I've just read this and...Jeff is right sorry to say. I made it to the end even with all the grammar, formatting issues and there is a lot if I'm honest.

Sorry but the story was boring, a snooze-fest from start to finish. Nothing remotely interesting happened. Two talking heads with cringe worthy dialogue.

Read some scripts here and keep writing and learning.

Good luck

Steve

oh good lord, this is abysmal. for your sake, i hope English isn't your first language. if it is your first language, then you should start learning another language because you're an ignoramus.

BUT i highly suspect that this isn't the case. so you get some sympathy.

I finished it, and honestly, i've read worse. this isn't good by any means, but it isn't terrible. i actually liked the video game geek meets the nerdy bookworm set up, and think you should push it more in that direction. then again, not many girls are gamers but there are a few super cute ones out there...all of whom have restraining orders g oddamnit.

my biggest question revolves around the ending. when did he write that note? i'll be honest, the piss poor grammar was REALLY distracting, so I probably missed something.

change the sandwich to salad. then again, sushi is less filling than a sandwich. i officially just confused myself.

Hi Nathan - thought this was quite a nice script - nothing special, but okay. You've got some harsh critiques to start off with, and I think that is in part to do with your initial set up - I don't know 100%, but you start with the sushi, and then go outside, and then go back into the sushi - maybe you need to start with Kate, outside, and then move into the Sushi place, giving some of the detail that you do.

I think you suffer from your first lines:

# People from several backgrounds are enjoy meals.
-- ...are enjoying meals.
# A child points at a plate that on the conveyor.
-- ...that is on the conveyor.

There are some other errors further on in the script, but nothing too major.

# Andrew turns his attention away from the belt. To take a
quick look at Kate.
-- Andrew turns his attention away from the belt, takes a
quick look at Kate.
or
-- Andrew takes a quick look at Kate.
or
-- Andrew snatches a glance, peeks across - I think maybe something a bit more inventive - reads a little flat in its current form.

# ...covers her hand over her mouth.
Maybe
-- ...covers her mouth with her hand.

It sagged in the middle, which for six pages, it really shouldn't.

KATE
So you’re probably rich?
ANDREW
Not this month. I bought a new dog.
KATE
And that’s taken all your wages?
ANDREW
From China.
KATE
Wow. You must be rich.
ANDREW
(Slightly amused.)
Must be. Or stupid.
-- we'll go for stupid.

Props 'n' stuff - felt like the book was used okay - not too sure about the gameboy - it wasn't really used - also the tattoo was only used as an introduction - I kept on thinking it would have more significance.

In summary - it was okay - but doesn't really amounts to much more that an advert - I expect her waltz out going 'maybe it's maybelline'.

Get some intrigue going in the dialogue, some mystery etc he was reading 'Wuthering Heights' - she was called Kate - bring in some relation there???

Best of luck with it.

Simon

is putting this "Copyright©2011 This screenplay may not be used or reproduced
without the express written permission of the author." on your title page supposed to stop people from stealing your idea?  There's no way you people are spending $20+ to register these.

I stopped at the first line, sorry.

Quoted from Forgive thought this was quite a nice script - nothing special, but okay.

Not to have a go at you, Simon, but as I've said so many times, I just don't understand feedback like this.  I really don't get it.

First of all, in no way is this a nice script.  Secondly, it's not "okay" either.  It's terrible.  Looks like it was written by a Kindergartner.

I'm all for people writing, but I've got problems when people dump garbage here, never to even show their heads and say a word.

A script's story is always debatable whether it's great, good, OK, bad, or terrible, but the writing is mostly cut and dry.  All you have to do is take some form of pride in your work and post a clean script, that is as error free as possible.  Having glaring, laugh out loud errors in both of the first two lines is just completely unacceptable.

Hi Jeff

Quoted from Dreamscale First of all, in no way is this a nice script.  Secondly, it's not "okay" either.  It's terrible.  Looks like it was written by a Kindergartner.

Nice as in inoffensive.

Quoted from Dreamscale I'm all for people writing, but I've got problems when people dump garbage here, never to even show their heads and say a word.

I've got more of a problem with people not showing their heads, that putting up scripts like this.

Quoted from Dreamscale A script's story is always debatable whether it's great, good, OK, bad, or terrible, but the writing is mostly cut and dry.  All you have to do is take some form of pride in your work and post a clean script, that is as error free as possible.  Having glaring, laugh out loud errors in both of the first two lines is just completely unacceptable.

Okay - I accept your point - but as a balance to what you are saying, I've based my feedback on all of the script, not just the first two lines - and I did try and point out to the guy that I think his feedback is harsh due to his beginning - it starts people on a real negative.

I don't know if this guy is ten or twenty - without him getting back on the boards, I can't tell as he can't say.

I'm not doubting it's a lightweight script, but I've just given my take on how I think he can improve it.

Simon

I think the story is cute. I also think the writing shows promise.

Unfortunately for the author, making it as a writer is a lot of hard work. It’s sad that the author didn’t do more to make sure the script was in top shape. A lot of the earlier type errors disappear as the read continues. This needs to be polished and proofread. Given that this is only 5 pages, it’s disappointing in that regard.

I should also mention the logline. “Two young adults meet at a sushi restaurant” is hardly enticing.

The actual story and writing do display raw talent, though. This writer could write something impressive someday if he wants it bad enough to do the work.

If the author’s reading, good luck.


Breanne

You're over-describing. For example, we don't need to know that there are 2 buttons unbuttoned on the guys shirt. Agree with other peoples comments. Stay at it though, and proof read your scripts. Good luck.

Hi Nathan,

I kept reading - there are some cute moments like:
KATE
Actually. I was looking at your
book. Wuthering Heights? You don’t look like the type.
ANDREW
Neither do you.

and:
KATE
So you’re probably rich?
ANDREW
Not this month. I bought a new dog.

and:

KATE
Wow. You must be rich.
ANDREW
(Slightly amused.)
Must be. Or stupid.


I think, you can loose instances like this:

KATE
It was nice talking to you.
ANDREW
You too.

and get out of the scene/scenes earlier.

I liked the pacing here. Fix the errors - but you know all about it, I'm sure. Good luck!

Wow, english has to be your second language cause this was a chore to read.

You have a simple story about people meeting in a sushi restaurant. Nothing more. Something as simple as this would need some interesting characters and dialogue to make it memorable. This has neither. I would recommend coming up with an interesting story first before writing anything down. This feels so empty to me.

I thought the comments (above) were more entertaining than the script. That's probably a bad sign.

it was okay. i thought about san francisco as i was reading it. flowed well, characters a vanilla, nice sentiment; classic scenario. you should write more.

Although rushed, I took the liberty of re-working your 1st page in hopes you can further polish your script using a similar structure.  My phone doesn't have the best SP/check, so ignore the spelling.  This, below, is more where you need to be though.  Hope it helps.

INT. A SUSHI RESTAURANT - DAY

People from all walks laugh, banter and eat among a near capacity establishment.

A child points to a plate on the conveyor.

A man picks a maki from his wife's plate.


EXT. A BUSY HIGH STREET - DAY
KATE, 21, strolls through the crowded streets -- Her phone RINGS, she fumbles to answer.

KATE
(into phone)
--Actually I'm on lunch right now, why...?  Sushi?  Yeah, sure, hold on.

Kate stops at a small bench, pulls a pen from her bag and jots down notes.

KATE
(into phone)
Alright, anything else...?  Diet, gotcha -- Kyle need anything...?  Figures, only person in the entire city who doesn't eat sushi.

She caps her pen, slides it into her bag and continues on through the hustle and bustle.

KATE
(into phone)
Oh, I'll probably just eat mine there.  Probably only be thrity-forty minuets or so... Hey, don't mention it.

She rounds the block and approaches the restaurant.


INT. SUSHI RESTAURANT - DAY
Kate takes a seat and scans the bar -- She pulls some chopsticks from the holder and snaps them apart, her eyes on patrol.

To her immediate left, a suit type, ANDREW, 24 -- Three casual buttons down expose a tattoo scribe across his upper chest.

She takes a subtle glance, notices one empty plate in front of him.  Her eyes retrain on the food conveyor, but wander back.

If the author comes around...
Well, my thoughts were why would she want to go out with someone she just met?
Now if he mentions that he has noticed her, what she orders or the clothing she had on,  a hair style she wore, something to show her that he was paying attention and thought that she was attractive
I think that she could be kind of dazed, he would leave and she would miss her chance, then find the note.