Night 6 by Jean-Pierre Chapoteau - Short, Drama - A determined detective with a secret, works hard to capture a theatrical serial killer. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Mmmmm. This was surprisingly good. Deserves to be filmed, really does.

Well referenced, so the end is justified, with a really nice twist. All based on what is not seen in a description based script. Not an easy task, and one that you carried off really well. Had a dark foreboding feel to it. Good use of the rain, a persistent theme. And a clever twist.

My only really minor minor is that as far as I understand, supers are:
SUPER: "NIGHT 4"

But hardly worth mentioning, really.

A great short IMO.

Hi Jean-Pierre.

I liked it in the early parts, then it seemed to veer off track. What’s a black and blue vigilante suit look like? I have no idea what you’re talking about. I assume he’s some sort of superhero. It reminds me of Unbreakable in that regard. It was always raining in that movie.

The twist was okay for me. We pretty much know the killer is going to be one of them.

Still, it’s entertaining. And it would be easy enough to film. I wouldn’t be surprised if it got picked up.

Good luck. :)


Breanne

Hi Jeanne-Pierre,

Really liked this one. Well-written and nice twists. Great atmosphere and tone. Love how it's silent. Agree on the "vigilante suit" question above. What is it?

Good luck with it!

Mark

Hey JP....hope you get some interest in this.  Would be great to see it next November's MP film contest!!  :D

Hi.
Nice story, but I don't get it why he brought her home and they satyed for a day? He is police officer right? If they are far from the cities, then we should know it. IMO.



Jahon.

Hey guys. Thanks for the review.

Ah! I know, the vigilante suit... I always think of a vigilante as just another word for superhero. I forget that it's just people taking the law into their own hands. Haha.

@Marnie Someone DID pick this up! I just finished writing two different drafts with alternate endings.

Something I NEVER thought about that the group of filmmakers pointed out to me was... Where did Angela get her glove and poison? I seriously had an answer to all their questions and once that came up I simply just replied "That's a good question... I have no idea."  They had a good chuckle.

@Johan

He's a superhero. In superhero flicks, the hero always falls for the chick. He brought her to his place because he felt as though his house was the safest place for her to be until he catches Six.

Thanks guys for the reviews.

Hey Jean-Pierre,

Sorry but I don't have a lot to add, this was a really good short IMO. I enjoyed it and think you've done an amazing job.

I had a couple of questions?

Why enter through the window on night 5 and not on the other nights? I understand he has Angela but reason I ask is because he is so exhausted or injured on previous nights but goes through the effort to get changed before coming home? Just curious is all.

I was going to ask about the poison but I see you have no answer for that from your post above, never even thought about the glove to be honest.

I personally would get rid of the line of dialogue by Jones at the end, think it works better without it.

Great work.

Steve

Hey Jean-Pierre,

I like your punchy, to-the-point writing style.  I did have some questions when I finished this, though.

If Jones is a detective, why exactly does he need to put on a superhero suit and go out to find the serial killer?

Regarding the playing card, where did this come from?  Did the serial killer leave it on one of her victims?  The fact that you called the figure on the card a "hooded man" seemed to be cheating a bit when we find out its a woman.  But more than that I was wondering where this card came from.

So the photos are of victims, but I couldn't figure out if these were police photos or, because they had artfully carved numbers on the bottom, if somehow he obtained these photos from the serial killer.    So the women with the red x's over their pictures had already been killed?  What's the significance of the red mark if they're already victims?  

I gathered from his accumulating wounds that Jones was battling the serial killer and not having much luck.  So if Angela was the serial killer, how exactly was he able to carry her into his apartment  so easily?  Was she "playing possum" so she could get him later?  

Finally, with the poison, I suppose she just could have poured drano or some stuff she found in the apartment into the gumbo.  But the glove and the hood...that's another story.

Sorry to bombard you with questions, but they prevented me from getting into the story.  But, apparently this tale connected with other readers so good job with that.

That's awesome JP!!  Looking forward to seeing it!  Congrats!!  :D

Jean-Pierre

I remember reading something from you before in that I recall your name but not the particular script as none of the ones listed on your sig ring a bell. However, I do have a vague recollection that it was a good piece of work.

This too has a lot going for it, I like the repetitious structure, the step by step ratchet-ing up of tension and peril as Jones becomes more involved in the case with increasingly precarious results as evidenced on his appearance. Props were used to good effect with the playing cards, marked photos and bulging case file which reflected this gradually heightening drama. Everything builds effectively over the short page span.

The writing is very sparse and punchy, no extraneous details are given, a very quick read.

“He looks in the pot. He closes his eyes and sniffs:
Something smells good.”

“Angela grabs a spoon and gives him a taste: Something tastes
good.”

- I liked this passage of prose in how you repeated the phrase “Something looks/tastes good”. I often use a similar technique, it works well.

“He gently sets her down on the bed and removes his mask as
he surveys her battered body with sympathy.”

- I was a bit thrown off by the mask, I know you mention a few lines above that he’s wearing a “black and blue vigilante suit” so are to assume that these outfits come with a mask? I can’t help thinking of “Kick-A?s” Anyway, it’s a small thing. Moving on...

I was hoping it wouldn’t be a cheap, gimmicky twist whereby Jones was actually doing the killing. Worse still, I feared this was going to go down a vampire route, don’t know why except the fact that there’s a lot of it around these days.

Thankfully you done neither, instead the piece concludes very dramatically in a completely unexpected fashion.

On the negative side, the script lacks any real explanation. I know it’s hard to tell a complete story in 5 pages but this made no attempt. It felt more like a pitch to a studio in the form of a short as bait for them to request the finished product whether that is a longer short or a feature length script. This is an intriguing “trailer” but nothing more, I need some answers such as how? and why? any of this is happening.

I like what you’ve done here, you’ve definitely got my interest piqued.

Col.

Hey Jean-Pierre,

You've garnered some attention from some nifty colleagues.
So, I thought I'd crack this open and join the party!

P. 3
Night 5

I had no idea Jones was wearing a mask.
Might want to clear that up. There's no mention of it before he takes it off.

I have zero clue what a "vigilante suit" is.
And neither does Google, I checked.
Perhaps there's a better way to describe what you're envisioning there.

Finished. I like your writing style. Col, brings up some good stuff there.
However, I do have questions, like Ryan.
I guess the girl could slip out in the middle of the day and get the mask.
But what's the point? Perhaps setting it up in an evidence box might help.

Jones is a detective, but seems to be moonlighting on this case.
Perhaps if there was a PERSONAL TETHER to the mission, it would help the reader.
Something like...

Jones looks at another photo of Victim #1, but this one's a portrait on his wall."

BAM. Personal motivation in one tidy line. ;D
Tweaks like this can really solidify complex shorts like these, IMO.

You have a stout voice on the page.
Look forward to seeing where you throw it next.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

@ Electirc Dreamer.

Wow, I really like that personal motivation. Like if a someone Six captured was his daughter. Hm... gonna have to take that into consideration. Thanks.

@ Coop

He enters through the window because he's trying to get her to the safest place he can think of as fast as possible and he can't go through the front door because he didn't have time to change.

@ Ryan

"If Jones is a detective, why exactly does he need to put on a superhero suit and go out to find the serial killer?"

I figured there's something twisted in Jones' past where he believes that he can only do so much as a detective, but can let loose when he has a mask on.

The origin of the photos; I wanted to let the reader's mind just go with that. However they believe Jones got a hold of these photos, that's the right answer. I have why, but again, I didn't think it was that relevant to the story.

"was she playing possum"

Yeah. That's the whole twist to my story. She was Six. Hm... you're not the first person that didn't get that.

@ everyone

I scrapped Six's mask in the rewrite. I have Jones bringing in the glove in a bag on night 4. And she throws up the bagged poison in the toilet.

And again, I always thought the word "vigilante" is another word for superhero. So when I said "a black and blue Vigilante suit" I meant "a black and blue Superhero Suit." I think if I had said "superhero" then there would be less confusion, and everyone would assume he was wearing a mask.

Thanks for the read guys. I'll try and read more of your scripts too. I love reading shorts, it's just that I'm an active member on MP, and between that site, school and work, it's so hard to find the time.

But I promise I'll start reviewing more scripts here.  

Quoted from Jeanpierre425"was she playing possum" Yeah. That's the whole twist to my story. She was Six. Hm... you're not the first person that didn't get that.

No, the fact that Angela was the serial killer was one part of the story I immediately understood.  This is why I mentioned that playing card earlier in my review.  The fact that you described the drawing on the card as a "hooded man" kinda felt like an easy way to throw us off the path.  I think "hooded figure" would have worked better there.

My question about "playing possum" was in regards to how Jones was able to subdue Angela when apparently she was beating the hell out of him on the previous nights.

There's a lot of interesting ideas in the script, but also a frustrating lack of answers.  I don't need every loose end tied up, but the motivations and actions of both characters seemed very vague at times.  But I do like your ideas of scrapping the hood and having Jones bring in the claw.

Hey Jean Pierre, looks like you’ve received lots of good and positive feedback.  I have some thoughts as well that will hopefully help.

I actually read this awhile ago, but being in the doghouse with some Mods, caused me not to post any feedback.  Once in that doghouse, most likely always in, but what the Hell, I’m here to help, not hurt.

Like others, I like this, believe it or not.  The writing style on display is rather interesting and reads very quickly.  Also, like others, I found a lot of important story details to be missing…most likely purposely omitted, which can be a good thing and a bad thing at the same time.

The script is only 4 pages long, so detail is going to be sparse any way you look at it, but your writing style makes a conscious decision to come across as sparse, and here, I think it works, whereas a longer piece or a feature would be a problem, written this way – IMO, that is.
A few things that didn’t work for me – the “vigilante suit”, the entire “super hero” angle, the lack of details, character motivation.

A few things that did work for me – the dark tone and feel, the uniqueness of the structure and story.

A couple of things to help improve the writing –

Although the writing is very sparse and even staccato at time, there is an overabundance of the throwaway word “and”.  You can do away with this word pretty much every time, by simply using a comma in its place.  It usually will improve both the look and read, and sometimes, even do away with an ugly orphan for you.

A number of instances where you chose to write out mundane details that are both assumed and unnecessary, and take up (or waste) valuable space that could have been used to better effect.

Example – Page 1 – “The picture with the number "1" has already been crossed out with red marker.” – “already” is not only not necessary, it’s awkward.  “with read marker” is also completely unnecessary.

A few awkward lines here and there, but in the big scheme of things, this is a clean, well written, well conceived script.

I personally would have liked more, as in more pages, more story, more details, more reality, but for what this is and what you intended it to be, it’s well done and an interesting, engaging read.

Good job.

One thing I forgot but definitely wanted to add.

You start off "OVER BLACK", but you never fade in from there.  SO, essentially, the entire script is filmed over black, the way it's written.

An easy fix, obviously, but an important one, as well.

p3
"...but she realizes he is the hero."
^doesn't really tell the author much. show, don't tell.

p4
"Angela shoos him out of the kitchen before he can ask for
more."
^same thing as before. this tells the audience nothing. you can't show this on screen.

those were actually my only two gripes about the format. overall i found this one to be VERY intriguing. I loved the atmosphere and the clean writing.

as several people have already stated, there are A LOT of questions to be answered here. but you said a rewrite is in the works. so hopefully you'll offer some explanations.

loved the repeating set up. that was my favorite part IMO. found it very interesting how we don't actually see what happened. we just see the results of any conflict prior.

glad to hear it got produced. make sure to post the link to the finished product.

Hey guys, here's a link to Night 6's facebook page.

Go ahead and give it a "like"

http://www.facebook.com/Night6ShortFilm

Hi JP,

Sorry - I know I'm a bit late to the party on this one. I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed 'Night 6' - my favourite script on this website so far. Very atmospheric, very film noir - I could follow the story from start to finish and was surprised by the twist, which I thought worked well.

I like the fact that it's almost entirely dialogue-free - it forces you to find clever ways of telling the story and I think you've done a great job of doing so. Bravo.