Tomorrow Never Knows by Steve McDonell (stevie) - Short, Drama, Sci-Fi-ish - A teenager takes his future into his own hands. 6 pages  - pdf, format 8)

nice! as a big fan of (wont spoil it)... i can totally dig and relate to this kinda thing...

good stuff.

i'll leave the critiques to those who know what they are talking about

fun stuff.

cheers!

Hey, Steve. Thought I should give this a read.

The first piece of dialogue, he says "brother". *Cringe* ;D. I'm pretty sure he is doing the VO of what he wrote on the paper so I'll let you get away with that one! ;D

This might just be me but I really didn't like the VO's here, especially the ones at the start. They felt unneeded and IMO there could've been a better way to show this? Maybe Jonny or Maggie could skim read the paper instead?

;D I enjoyed the ending but I didn't really like the lead up. I know this is a short but it felt lacking. Maybe, I'm being too harsh though.

SPOILERS

A kid steals his brother's time machine and goes to the past so he could be the last member of The Beatles? It's original but it doesn't quite do it for me.

Overall, enjoyable and nicely written but wasn't my cup of tea, maybe some older members here might love this. ;D

Keep up the good work.

Love the nostalgia and the whole Beatle vibe and hope Paul might enjoy as much as I did and decide to waive any copyright fees, otherwise...
When it began with what looked like a suicide my heart dropped but then it picked up as I was taken to a wholly different place; pre-Beatles Britain! I imagine this will have a wide appeal on so many levels so it would be great to see it filmed. Good luck with that.
I think the title is too portentous for the general tone of the story.
Overall the script is concise and well formatted other than the lack of time shift indication in final scene. Perhaps PRESENT in the final slug?
There are some ‘ing words: wearing; blinking; starts playing; continues playing.
Bastard’s instead of bastards
Capitalize ‘jesus’
Didn’t get the ‘scathing glance’ line with the old lady: Was he pushing in? I would cut it.
These nitpicks aside, I think you have a refreshingly original idea and a script to fly with.

Hey Stevie,

SPOILERS

A tale involving the Beatles! Surely not.

I found this a pleasant tale, with a nice sense of "what will happen" and an enjoyable twist. Perhaps a little light on humour or depth. I don't mind the "you've made a time machine", after all its a lighthearted short film. Inevitable ti throws up the issue of time travel and affects in todays world - i wonder could the name have slightly changed e.g. the second beetles, or The Beatles Reborn, or the Return of the Beatles? again, just to show the influence.

If he was to replace John maybe an early reference to not liking him or taking his lyrics on his journey could have added to the reason.

all the best

Cheers guys! Am about to go to sleep so will reply in more detail tomorrow.

This short has an interesting history!

stevie

As I go:

Page 1:  "Is he in there?  Dead?"  I don't like the "dead."  I think we definitely get it.  At the very most, maybe an "is he...?"

Page 2:  Don't like any of the VOs.  Your visuals are doing most of that work.  Especially when he begins to strum, we're gonna know exactly what's going on.  If you feel the need to explain the coins, I'd rather see Jonny notice that they're gone in the present.  Placed there, it'd be adding to the mystery rather than subtracting from it.  And Pop's old guitar...why not use that as an excuse for Rob to talk to someone on the bus?  Be more dynamic, anyway.  He sits down, someone glances at it, he goes, "It's me pop's old guitar...I mean, me pop's guitar."  That kinda thing.  Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that I don't like the VOs.  Haha.

Page 4:  Hmm, but I do think the VO here is nice, and I suppose if you're gonna go with it you gotta set it up.  Mixed feelings on this but I'd still rather see the VO gone.

Thoughts:

Ha ha!  This was the perfect thing for a nice quick read.  Very enjoyable and very tight.  I guess my main complaint would have to be that it was almost a little bit too easy.  Rob didn't have any trouble, and Jonny didn't really make anything of his problem, so there's not really much going on in terms of conflict or movement.  Personally I'd like to see this expanded.  

You should shoot it, Stevie!

P.S.  "Brother" in the note made me cringe, too.  Surely you could throw that exposition into whatshername's dialogue instead?

cool little story that would make a cool feature.

I read the original draft of this and Stevie has my comments.

So everyone knows, I actually liked this and felt it had a pretty cool vibe to it.

One comment I do want to throw out is the back and forth about using "brother" in dialogue or a written letter.  My sister and I use "brother" or "sister" when talking to each other quite frequently.  It is not used in a formal way at all, but in a somewhat joking way.  So, for me, the "brother" line was A OK.

Good job, Aussie!

Yo, I'm here guys!

Thanks for all the comments and thoughts - will work throught them.

I wrote a story like this back in 2004, when i started to write seriously - not in script form, just as a novel I guess. Eventually, this turned into my time travel story, 'Sent', which became my first script.

Last year I suddenly wanted to do this as a short, so i scavenged in the garage and found the original notes - i hand write all my stuff and date every page!  lol
So I got into it, planning a 20 pager or so. Put it aside in August last year and left it. The other week, i suddenly realised out of nowhere how it should end!!  So I finished it, threw a title on just before I posted to Don.  (thanks for posting by the way, big fella)

Ok, to the comments. I'm not used to doing the quote as u go thing:

hang on sorry guys  i have to go somwhere urgently!! will be back soon!

Am back now.

Yeah, another Beatle script!  ;D

Penoyer - glad you dug it man cheers

Nawazm (sorry can't recall everyone's real names) - Jeff commented on the use of 'brother'. I was a bit surprised it seemed an issue; it says VO next to Rob. And the VO's generally people weren't too sure of. I don't use them much in my writing but wanted to give this short that little extra. After all, this is the changing of history going on!  Thanks gaain for the read man!

CT - Yeah, the copyright...i guess I could have Rob play ADITL, that might be ok! It was sort oan indulgence with that, but it fits in with the general nostalgia bit. Paul wrote that middle eight (seperately from John i might add - John needed amiddle bit for ADITL, and Paul just happened to have this bit and it damn well fit together perfectly - how fucking good were these dudes?  ::), um, sorry, yeah Paul said it was recalling him and George at scholl, having a smoke on the bus. i was trying to recreate that wonderful time of their lives. These schollboys, little to knwow they would one day became amongst the most famous people who have ever lived.....

um, 'ing' words - I know people ususally diis them. I'm over it sort of. If i use one I will. Depends how the sentence is I guess. I don't capitalize 'jesus' or 'god' in my work, if they are in dialogue, precisely cos they are in dialogue :o.   Anyway, glad you liked it!

Reefmeister!!  You know, after i posted it, I realised that Rob's action would seem incredibly nasty and selfish. Poor old John!!  But it means that he wouldn't die in 1980? Maybe Rob gets shot in a sequel?  Hmm.  No, here it ends. Short and sweet
Cheers for the kind words buddy!

Heretic - yeah I mulled over the word 'dead' before leaving it in. In hindsight it can go! You make some vaild points about the VO. Its a fifty fifty thing i reckon. Too much can spoil a script, can't it? Appreciate the read and comments! oh, and I would love to make this but I know fuck all about doing it!!  lol

Conz - ta mate!!

Jeff - sweet bro!! Glad u liked it.

Cheers all. Still trying to finish my new comedy feature but life is getting in the way!

stevie

Pretty sure you don't have any copyright issues here, Stevie. This seems like a parody to me, which is a protecting law. Anyone can do a skit pretending to be the Beatles. I went to see a band called Abbey Road a few years back. The look, dress like the Beatles and sing their music pretty damn good. Pretty sure they travel the globe with their act, too. Don't think anyone can touch them for copyright infringement. Er, maybe they send Paul a finski for Christmas every year.

I liked this, put a smile on my face. Pretty clean read overall. Am I to believe Rob replaces JL in the beatles?? Shame on you, if so...

Good read, get your arse in the OWC next week.

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Pretty sure you don't have any copyright issues here, Stevie. This seems like a parody to me, which is a protecting law. Anyone can do a skit pretending to be the Beatles. I went to see a band called Abbey Road a few years back. The look, dress like the Beatles and sing their music pretty damn good. Pretty sure they travel the globe with their act, too. Don't think anyone can touch them for copyright infringement. Er, maybe they send Paul a finski for Christmas every year. I liked this, put a smile on my face. Pretty clean read overall. Am I to believe Rob replaces JL in the beatles?? Shame on you, if so... Good read, get your arse in the OWC next week. James

Cheers mate, glad u liked it!

Yeah, theres heaps of Beatle tribute bands around the world. I've seen some here in Oz and they are all good.
I could dodge the copyright (for having the actual ADITL playing in the BG) by perhaps having Rob playing and singing it?

And yeah, John drew the short straw! The date is very important and only fellow Beatle freaks would pick up on it: it is set a month before John meets Paul.

My arse is already booked in for the WOC, don't u worry. And I plan to continue putting shit on Cleveland as required... ::)

Good luck

stevie

Did Stevie just kill John Lennon? Or rather, did his creation, Rob?

As that guy in A Fish Called Wanda said, "you ba-ba-ba- sterd!!"

I liked this. The poster bit is really, really cool. I'm a little worried this will start a trend of Stevie posting his fantasies. This could get ugly.

Seriously, liked it Stevie, especially with the end. That would be really cool in a short, but might be tough to get actors to play young Paul and George. But maybe you could. Nice work!

Quoted from leitskev Did Stevie just kill John Lennon? Or rather, did his creation, Rob? As that guy in A Fish Called Wanda said, "you ba-ba-ba- sterd!!" I liked this. The poster bit is really, really cool. I'm a little worried this will start a trend of Stevie posting his fantasies. This could get ugly. Seriously, liked it Stevie, especially with the end. That would be really cool in a short, but might be tough to get actors to play young Paul and George. But maybe you could. Nice work!

I'd love to play Paul but I'm only 20 years(and 4 days) younger than him...lol!

Cheers for the read and comments Big Kev!

Steve,

I'm not a Beatles fan *runs for cover* therefore I don't know how I feel about this one.

Your writing is concise and creates clear visuals so points for that.

On the first page there's an underscore in Maggie's dialogue. On the second: "The waiting commuters wear...old-fashioned clothes." Did you mean to put ellipses there?

I don't know if background song lyrics are to be included as dialogue unless a character is singing them.

When Maggie asks, "What has he done that's so bad?" it seemed sort of contrived. I felt that based on the note it would have been realistic for them to assume he'd ran away. They could still be concerned, but to take "I had to do it" as a literal "OMG what did he do?!" seemed sort of ABC Family soap to me.

The VO's didn't work for me either. At first it read as though voice over Rob was reciting the contents of the note he left, but as the story persisted they came off as narration, the rote of which undermined my experience as an audience member.  I agree with what Heretic said about perhaps showing some of the scenes instead of dictating.

As for the overall story, the time machine aspect was neat and having a Beatles member be someone from the future is original. However my lack of interest in the band may have stilted my interest in "Tomorrow Never Knows."

Hey Stevie,

Good to see some more work from you. It’s a cute little story you have here, very Sci-Fi-ish. ;D I liked that!

SPOLIERS

I liked the beginning; a real twist from thinking Rob has committed suicide to, WTF! A time machine. Never saw that one coming. Good job on that.

I like the visuals here on the bus, also enjoying how you link The Beatles song into this scene and yes, I did have to look that up.

Solid ending, like how you used an iconic image as well as it helps the reader to visualise this so easily.

I took a few notes while reading:

P.1  “LIVERPOOL ENGLAND” Missing comma here.

“I know you're gonna be angry brother” Not sure about brother. “Bro” or some sort of slang for brother would have been better here IMO.

“Jonny takes a long swig of water from the fridge.” This reads awkward, almost sounds like he’s drinking water direct from the fridge. Just a thought.

“tantrum” Okay, I mentioned this before to someone on another script. Could choose a better description here IMO like hysterics or something. Tantrum just reminds me of a 2 year old, it’s because I have to deal with one every day and I say this a lot to describe her, personal choice I guess.

P.2               JONNY
          The bastards nicked my fucking
          time machine...

I do like this line! ;D

'WOOLERTON' I don’t know a lot about the Liverpool area but do you mean Woolton?

I do like Chris’s idea about showing the change missing instead of a voice over, think that would be a great visual.

Overall this is a great, well written script. I personally liked the voice over and think it worked here, also enjoyed the final image.

Though I can’t say I am a massive Beatles fan, I have always loved their music and felt like throwing on an album immediately after reading this.

I’ve tried not to think about the time travel aspect too much, if “Back To the Future” taught me anything, it’s that time travel is complicated.

Great work!

Steve

P.S You looking forward to the footy season starting next month, personally can’t wait! Go the Dockers! ;D ;D

Yo Stevie!

Had a whirlwind week at Sherwood Oaks last week.
So, please forgive my tardy read. :P

P. 1
Jonny takes a long swig of water from the fridge.
For some reason, I saw Jonny lifting a fridge and drinking from it, like a bottle.
I know what you meant, but the way its worded gave me momentary pause.

This is a cute tale that liberally borrows from previous works on the subject.
But you employed good stuff into an affable story, so it's all good.

SPOILERS

Must say I'm reminded of a classic line in a tale of this kind...
Actually, its from my all time absolute fave movie of this ilk--
Peggy Sue Got Married...
I want to go to Liverpool and discover the Beatles. ;D

Regards,
E.D.