Max's Traveling Carnival

Hey Gabe, I was waiting for others to provide some feedback, but it seems to be taking them quite awhile.  I know you've been talking about this script for a long time now and I'll get the ball rolling for you.

Page 1 – Opening scene is tough to follow, because you didn’t make it clear what’s going on and who’s present.  What I mean is, who is Max talking to?  An audience?  If so, you need to “show” them.

I think the opening Slug and the Mini following is also a little vague, or just hard to picture, based on the Slug wording as well as the description, or lack of description provided.

“Pass” – I think you mean “Past”

“Close to passing…” – This is an awkward, hard to picture or understand line, IMO.

“Dirty, disheveled, and…” – Also awkward and a little “strange” to me.  Using “the” in front of “FIRSTARTER” makes me believe that he has some other name you’re not telling us, because if “FIRESTARTER” was his name, you wouldn’t use or need “the” in front of it.  I’m also confused (as above) about exactly what’s going on here.  Is there an audience present, or is Max leading Smiley around for some reason?  It seems like Smiley was shot out of a cannon or something and is part of a show, but now I’m not sure.  If this is indeed a show, in front of an audience, why is this guy drinking a beer...and why the “long” in front of “beer bottle”?  You also end this 3 line sentence on an orphan that shouldn’t be here, because there are so many words you can omit.

Final sentence - “Pass” – Again, I have to believe you intend to mean “Past.    The whole line is very confusing and unclear, and again ends in an orphan.

Page 2 – “Pass” – same as before.  Again, very confusing, and again ending in an orphan.

“In between…” – Awkwardly worded again.  Using “while” is incorrect here.  Using directional details in parenthesis don’t work and aren’t needed.

The next line is also a little awkward.  The word “amid” is awkward in this sentence.  Definition-wise, you would think it would fit, but it doesn’t.  His physical description reads awkwardly, where it’s placed.

Pass the sixth…” – Here it is again.  I’m really confused.  Do you mean “They pass”?  Either way, it’s incorrect and reads poorly.

OK, so they get to this “enormous tent” (which is not a good Slug by any means), and Smiley back flips inside of it, where you use a Mini Slug of “ENORMOUS TENT”, but we’re now in an INT scene, right?  If so, you need a full Slug, which shows us we’re in an INT scene.

IMO, the montage isn’t handled properly.  I understand what you’re trying to show, but as written, it needs some work.

Page 3 – OK, so after the montage, I’m even more confused than I’ve been so far.  “Max comes out to loud APPLAUSE.” – So, as I assumed, there is an audience here (at least inside the enormous tent), and there is a show taking place.  Where or what does Max come out of?  What is with the strolling along with Max and Smiley, and passing Jugular and Firestarter (outside), who are all now inside the enormous tent doing a show?  How does that work?  Have we missed a time lapse or something?  I don’t know what’s going on and starting off this way is a very, very bad and big red flag waving.  So important to jump out of the gate properly.  This opening needs serious attention, IMO.

Max’s dialogue to the crowd is also very awkward and unrealistic.  Read it out loud and hopefully you’ll see what I’m saying.

Your new Slug after the DISSOLVE TO is a mess, sorry to say.  “SOUTHWEST”?  That’s the Slug?  No reason whatsoever to have the actual area in parentheses here.    Makes no sense and looks terrible.

“Medium length hairstyle, ELENORE THOMPSON (35) walks alongside Julie.” – OK, listen, Gabe.  I’m not trying to be an ass, but this may well be one of the worst intro sentences I’ve ever read.  You do not want to start a sentence like this, as it reads just terribly.  But, there’s more than just the structure and wording of the sentence that’s wrong.  You already intro’d Ben and Julie as walking along together (without mentioning that there’s a third person).  Ben and Julie even exchanged 4 lines of dialogue.

“Short haircut, DANIEL THOMPSON (40) walks alongside Ben.” – Oh Boy…you did it again.  Gabe, I’m sorry, but that’s unacceptable, IMO and that’s as far as I’m going to be able to get.

I’m sure you’re not going to be thrilled with my words and others may not either, but the things I’m saying are all issues you need to be aware of.  You really do.  I’m not trying to be harsh or put you down in any way, but if I don’t bring this stuff up, I highly doubt you’ll ever realize what’s wrong with your writing on display here.

My feedback is meant to help you as a writer, Gabe, and I hope it does.  I know you’ve been working on this a long time and it’s great to see you completed it.  That’s quite an accomplishment.  Now, you need to focus in on what you’ve written and figure out what works, what doesn’t, and why.

OK, bro, hope this makes sense to you and helps you going forward.  Take care.

Thanks Dreamscale. Appreciate any reviews and all will be taken into advisement when I'm rewriting.

THE OPENING SCENE

We, represented as the camera in 1st pov, are the audience. Didn't want to use we so I decided to do it this way. The camera follows Max and Smiley to the enormous tent, which if you have another name let me know. This is all part of the show.

SLUGS

The whole story takes place at this carnival. So, I decided to use mini slugs since it's happening at the carnival. We're not going into a new place just somewhere in the carnival. Granted I can do full slugs for everyplace, but it will be repetitive.

I used compass directions. If you have a better way of saying where they are in the carnival, please let me know.

PASS

I'm keeping everything present and didn't want to use ing words since it's frowned upon.

CHARACTER DESCRIPTION

Often, I get this right. Often I get it wrong. What's wrong on how I intro'd Daniel, Ellenore, and Firestarter? What would you like?

MY WRITING.

I see myself as a novice. I'm always learning and yearning to learn. I also have thick skin towards the writing so I can take it. :) I write as I see the movie played in my head and I try to depict that in writing. I'm a director (without putting camera directions in my writing until I become a famous screenwriter) :). They're going to be people who are going to like it and others who don't. Sorry that it didn't work out for you. I'll see what I can do.

Gabe

Hey Gabe!

Read the first ten pages or so. You’ve improved since I read an early draft of this. Your sentences have more variety and flow better.

The grand tour felt like Willy Wonka. Colorful. Bright. But I was distracted by two things.

Too much attention to directions, numbers, colors and lists of things. It adds a false sense of importance to these scenes and settings. Nine pairs of stages, yikes. Would it be easier to have four corners. Red Corner. For example, instead of telling was what’s on each of the five monitors, show us enough so we know the place is heavily monitored. I bet you can do it in half the space.

Character descriptions could be more visual. Hair is one of those descriptions we try to avoid as a nothing detail. “Dressed in an emulation of a ring master” I realize this is a clue for later but if someone looks like a ringmaster they are a ringmaster. Thuggish is an unusual one. Just say he looks like a thug. (Etc. is always a weak choice when writing visually.)

Not bad for a start Gabe. I’ll read more later.

Gary

Quoted from grademan

Hair is one of those descriptions we try to avoid as a nothing detail.

I personally do not have a problem with a description of a character that includes their hair - if it matters, makes them unique in some way, or sets them apart from the other characters.

BUT, you can't start a sentence off with their hairstyle, Gabe. You just literally cannot do it the way you did it and that was my point. It is beyond awkward. I mean, seriously, just read those 2 sentences back out loud and see how they sound to you.

Hopefully, you get lots of feedback here that can help you going forward.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer

Hey Gabe!

I love the facial expressions on your art.
Very Yellow Submarine. I approve!

Regards,
E.D.

The one on the right reminds me of ZIGGY STARDUST for some reason.

Shawn.....><

Thanks Gary,

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Read the first ten pages or so. You’ve improved since I read an early draft of this. Your sentences have more variety and flow better.

Thanks.

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The grand tour felt like Willy Wonka. Colorful. Bright.

I'm introducing the audience and reader to this world that the story is going to play out. This intro came out of a Prodigy song I was listening to. It literally just came to me. lol. No bs.

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But I was distracted by two things.

Why? lol. Hit me.

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Too much attention to directions, numbers, colors and lists of things. It adds a false sense of importance to these scenes and settings. Nine pairs of stages, yikes. Would it be easier to have four corners. Red Corner. For example, instead of telling was what’s on each of the five monitors, show us enough so we know the place is heavily monitored. I bet you can do it in half the space.

Understand. I get wrapped into too much detail. lol. Will check this out.

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Character descriptions could be more visual. Hair is one of those descriptions we try to avoid as a nothing detail. “Dressed in an emulation of a ring master” I realize this is a clue for later but if someone looks like a ringmaster they are a ringmaster. Thuggish is an unusual one. Just say he looks like a thug. (Etc. is always a weak choice when writing visually.)

Alright. In regards to the hair, that's what stood out for me. lol. I suck at character descriptions but I'm always looking to improve.

The ring master. That was more for visual and short. A ring masters deal with circuses but, I liked the colors they wear. So, I made Max dress as a ring master. He's not a real ring master but dressed as one.

Thuggish. I tried to cut down as much words as possible. But I guess some or alot have slipped by me.

Thanks again Gary. Hope you like what's going to come up next.

Jeff,

No worries. Every opinion counts. I can take it when it deals with the writing. I tried to describe the characters more through actions as oppose to physical details. Just give enough descriptions. Sometimes I get it right. Sometimes I don't. I just need to be told. lol.

Ledbetter

It was unintentional. I thought it looked more like McD's clown.

Gabe

Hi Gabe.

Have started and read the first 15. I'm getting into it ok. The descriptions and stuff pointed out by Jeff aren't too bad for my reading - if I hadn't of read his reviews, I prolly wouldn't even notice them! If the story is adequate to drive the reader forward, a lot of that stuff doesn't faze me.

The only gripe I'm seeing is there are quite a few chars to deal with at once but it should be ok further along.

Will continue reading the next few days.

Thanks Stevie.

Yeah...I really tried to limit the characters. lol. Combining a lot of them. I might have to do that again.

Gabe.

Gabe, I'm at page 25. I must've missed something as I have no idea what is going on!

I may have to re-read some. I was going ok then the trail vanished! It's not your writing, it's the actual story line.

Will get back to you

Thanks Stevie

Dammit. Hopefully, it's not that bad. :/

Gabe, I read through the first 10 pages. I'll continued on later today. At this point in the story, I do want to know what's going to happen next and where this story is heading. I want to know what Max, Zane and Nathaniel are up to. So that's all good. I do think however, that you have way too many things going on in these 1st few pages. I have lost track of how many people you have introduced and I am also not sure who our protagonist is and who the antagonist is. And although, I liked Smiley's entry, I'm sitting here wondering what happened to him? I thought he would be an important character, but after his break dance he disappeared.

The following are some comments I made while reading. I hope they can be of some help.

Page 1. Past, not pass.

Long beer bottle? Do you mean long neck beer bottle. Just a nitpick since I'm trying to get a good visual over the place. The way I 1st read it, I thought it was some special bottle that was extra long.

Page 2. Past, not pass.

Little bit confused about the montage here. Smiley has just got here, is he already performing? If so, is it in front of an audience?

Page 3. Max comes out to loud applause. A slight confusion here again. The way it reads right now, is that Max enters the stage as well and there is loud applause. Who is applauding? Is there an audience there? Or do you mean that Max applauds Smiley?

In your earlier descriptions of the Carnival, Max pointed out various areas of the carnival. There was no mention of people other than some of the carnival employees. I got the feeling that they were walking through the carnival during off hours. Now we have Ben and Julie walking around in the rides and games area. I think you need to mention earlier if this place is full of people or not in order for the readers to get a better idea of this place.

Your descriptions of Ben and Julie doesn't really say anything about them. And, is Julie's beautiful butterfly barrette important to the story or her character?

It has been a while now since Smiley entered the scene. He's been shown around the carnival and did some breakdancing in the big tent. Yet, those kids are just now mentioning him. Ben's comment that the clown is so cool would have fitted better if he had said it when Smiley landed rather than way after the fact.

Medium length hairstyles? That is not a hairstyle. That is just the length of hair and again adds nothing to the story or describes the character. Also, did Eleanor just show up or was she walking next to Julie this whole time?

You say that Eleanor scowls at everything on their left side, but you don't tell us what is on the left side. So far I do not like Eleanor at all. I'm guessing that is your intent however.

Page 4. Julie sticks her tongue out at Ben. I thought she was 13.

The regenerator dude is pretty impressive! Since this is going to be horror, I think that was a good choice to add that here. My only gripe here is that I think you should give us the audience response to his act before you move on to the next performer. It is an impressive act so I imagine an audience going wild or at least being amazed.

Page 5. Your description of the strongman works, however, your description of candidate one is pretty bad. 45-year-old mother wearing a sleeveless shirt… And why did you describe the mother as candidate one when the following woman is described by name? And Angela is wearing a longsleeved shirt. Is this significant to the story? If it is then it's all right, but if it's only a description of the person then it is not.

In your series of shots, instead of saying she meets up with her husband, you should say candidates one meets up with her husband. Same for the next shot, you should say candidate one and her husband eat hotdogs. And ditto that for the rest of the shots as well.

Page 6. I think int. and ext. are only used in slug lines/scene headings, not to describe what is shown on a computer screen. It seems very odd to see that written into the regular sentence. Just right interior and exterior of trailers.

Why write a few centimeters to the side of the laptop is a walkie-talkie? What's wrong with next to the laptop is a walkie-talkie?

You have a lot of pullbacks on this page. How far can you really pull back?

Page 7. Nathaniel's name should be in capital letters when he is 1st mentioned.

If I was watching this on film, how would I know that Nathaniel is the head honcho? And how can we tell that he's a middle-aged man just by his voice.

Page 8. On this page we meet Grace Galloway. She introduces herself as Heather. Is this a typo or is she lying?

Wherever is one word.

Page 9. Gabe, you really need to work on your people descriptions. :)

Here is where it gets odd again. You have a new scene with new people in it. You'd describe the people and what they're doing, but there was no mention at all about Max and grace. So when Aster asks, who is she, it reads very weird because I had no idea that they had been watching Max and grace.
At first I thought you meant that that the Carney was who she was referring to.

Page 10. You described Daniel and Ben hanging out by the porta potties. That's pretty funny. Probably better to describe them as waiting.

Thanks Pia.

SPOILERS!

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I structured this script to follow four characters: Max, Daniel, Angela, and Aster. They develop two big storylines: Daniel's relationship with his ex-wife and Nathanial vs. Leonard. I'll see what I can do to make the opening more clearer and less clustering.

Smiley pops in the script. He has a unique character bio that hopefully you will like. If not, let me know.

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The following are some comments I made while reading. I hope they can be of some help.

All of this helps. From Jeff, Stevie, you, and any others who want to contribute.

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Page 1. Past, not pass.

I'll fix this. Like I explained to Jeff, tried to make everything present tense as it's happening.

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Long beer bottle? Do you mean long neck beer bottle. Just a nitpick since I'm trying to get a good visual over the place. The way I 1st read it, I thought it was some special bottle that was extra long.

I was thinking of a wine bottle but preferred going with a alcohol bottle since I thought it will give some detail about his character b.g.

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Little bit confused about the montage here. Smiley has just got here, is he already performing? If so, is it in front of an audience?

Smiley is the first performer and he is performing in front of an audience. We are represented as the camera in first pov. I did this for budgetary reasons (avoid getting extras when it's not necessary). trying to keep the budget down.

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Your descriptions of Ben and Julie doesn't really say anything about them. And, is Julie's beautiful butterfly barrette important to the story or her character?

Like I said before, I sometimes get descriptions right, other times not so right. lol. I'll work on it. Especially for the family.

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It has been a while now since Smiley entered the scene. He's been shown around the carnival and did some breakdancing in the big tent. Yet, those kids are just now mentioning him. Ben's comment that the clown is so cool would have fitted better if he had said it when Smiley landed rather than way after the fact.

I wanted to set up the world where Daniel's story takes place in the beginning.

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Eleanor just show up or was she walking next to Julie this whole time?

Elenore and Daniel have been walking alongside Ben and Julie. i write as a I view in my director's eye. Hence, alot of detail that shouldn't be in. :)

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You say that Eleanor scowls at everything on their left side, but you don't tell us what is on the left side. So far I do not like Eleanor at all. I'm guessing that is your intent however.

She's scowling at the area she's in. Nothing specific just the area in general. Also, she's avoid looking at Daniel whose on her right side. Wanted to show how much they dislike one another.

I wanted you to dislike her since this is Daniel's story. Show you what Daniel has to deal with.

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Page 4. Julie sticks her tongue out at Ben. I thought she was 13.

Wanted to show her relationship with Ben. Their childish. I prob have to ffix that so.

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The regenerator dude is pretty impressive! Since this is going to be horror, I think that was a good choice to add that here. My only gripe here is that I think you should give us the audience response to his act before you move on to the next performer. It is an impressive act so I imagine an audience going wild or at least being amazed.

See? Some characters just come too me. Glad you liked him. Hope you like the other ones.

Budget. I think we already know what's expected from the people's reactions so i decided to not include it.

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Page 5. Your description of the strongman works, however, your description of candidate one is pretty bad. 45-year-old mother wearing a sleeveless shirtï¿½ And why did you describe the mother as candidate one when the following woman is described by name? And Angela is wearing a longsleeved shirt. Is this significant to the story? If it is then it's all right, but if it's only a description of the person then it is not.

Candidiate One doesn't matter. Angela does cause of her ability. The clothing matters since Angela needs to touch candidate one to use her ability.

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In your series of shots, instead of saying she meets up with her husband, you should say candidates one meets up with her husband. Same for the next shot, you should say candidate one and her husband eat hotdogs. And ditto that for the rest of the shots as well.

I get what your saying. I'll probably mention Candidate one in the first shot and the rest she.

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Page 6. I think int. and ext. are only used in slug lines/scene headings, not to describe what is shown on a computer screen. It seems very odd to see that written into the regular sentence. Just right interior and exterior of trailers.

Was trying to keep things short. Fight for those white spaces.

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Why write a few centimeters to the side of the laptop is a walkie-talkie? What's wrong with next to the laptop is a walkie-talkie?

My detail. Will eliminate.

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You have a lot of pullbacks on this page. How far can you really pull back?

Wanted to show Zane's character a bit. He's very detailed.

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Page 7. Nathaniel's name should be in capital letters when he is 1st mentioned.

If I was watching this on film, how would I know that Nathaniel is the head honcho? And how can we tell that he's a middle-aged man just by his voice.

Nathaniel give cell phones to those he finds important. But I'll see if I can include more in dialogue.

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Page 8. On this page we meet Grace Galloway. She introduces herself as Heather. Is this a typo or is she lying?

She's lying.

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Here is where it gets odd again. You have a new scene with new people in it. You'd describe the people and what they're doing, but there was no mention at all about Max and grace. So when Aster asks, who is she, it reads very weird because I had no idea that they had been watching Max and grace. At first I thought you meant that that the Carney was who she was referring to.

I'll see what I can do.

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Page 10. You described Daniel and Ben hanging out by the porta potties. That's pretty funny. Probably better to describe them as waiting.

Thanks Pia. Thankfully I still have your interest. Hopefully that lasts.

I will keep all these reviews in mind when I plan my next rewrite. All of it is appreciated.

Gabe

P.S. You all do know that if you have something you want read, let me know and I'll review it. :)

Gabe,

I reached page 20 today. That is all I have time for today. I'm sorry to be breaking this up in such short pieces. I will read another 10 tomorrow. I have to be honest with you though. This glory is getting more and more confusing. I think you have too many characters, way too many actually. Character seems to come and go and new ones keep popping up all the time. I have no idea who is important and who I need to follow and pay attention to. I know you explained some of this in your early response to my previous comments, however, a screenplay should not have to be explained. If the story needs to be explained a lot then you didn't do a good job with the telling of your story. I hate to say this because I know you have been working hard on this, but I feel that it's crucial that I'm honest too.

I just reread your log line and I think that explains why this story seem to be getting off track. The log line says, A father has to team up with his children and ex-wife to escape a fun house. In other words, this story is about Daniel and his kids and his ex-wife. Daniel, as the protagonist should be in almost every single scene. we only get occasional glimpses of him.

We'll see what happens tomorrow. Maybe things will straighten themselves out.

Page 11. I find Daniels last piece of dialogue to be very weird. Would a father really say that to one of his kids? He is always going to love his kids even if they turn out to be like their mother? That makes Daniel sound like a complete idiot. I would rework that piece of dialogue if I were you.

Page 12. You have one scene heading that is followed by one description. Top left side. Top left side of what?

I noticed this school description of Angela earlier too. You write that she ï¿½ preps herselfï¿½. What does that mean?

Page 13. Again you have a series of shots where you just referred to the people in the shots as either he or she. For clarification and ease of reading you should name them by proper name.

I am not sure who wavy haired man is, but if he's going to be part of this story which he seems like he will since he says I'm here to take you home should probably have a proper name.

Also, during those series of shots, I'm not quite sure I know what happened exactly.

Okay, I'm starting to get a little confused. Why did the wavy haired man show up and show Angela a picture? And why are the others suddenly after him and Angela?

Page 16. And now we have a gray-haired man too...

It is true that we should avoid exposition in dialogue, but some explanation of what is going on here if necessary I feel. I feel lost with these jumps between series of shots of things that have either happened or will happen and now we also have stored memories.

Page 17. You haven't scene heading and the 1st line of description after that is ï¿½ getting the gist, Zane closes his eyes. That line feels extremely weird to come directly after a slug line.

Page 18. Did I miss something here? Zane says to Max, killing you was only for her benefit. Now I'm lost Gabe. Did someone try to kill Max and failed or is he dead? He doesn't seem dead so what exactly does Zane means by that statement?

Another odd start for an action paragraph. You write that this is the middle area. You need to describe these areas better, because it's hard for me to try to visualize what the middle area is. Why not just state that Patrick and Aster stand near this or that? That would help get a better idea of the scene and situation.

You described Gabe as a nerd and then you described his brother Danny as a popular guy. How can he be a popular guy when he is a ghost and nobody can see or hear him?

Page 20. I'm starting to see more and more typos. That is why I'm not mentioning them anymore.

Smiley sort of reminds me of Harpo Marx. That's actually a good thing.

Smiley entered this script in a grand way and I remember Max welcoming him to the carnival. Now all of a sudden, and it is sudden because not much time has passed yet, he seems to be in cahoots with Max and Zane. How did that all happen?

Thanks Pia,

Sorry that its becoming like a chore for you. If you want to stop, I won't hold it against you. I'm working on another script at the moment but will come back to this to edit. I appreciate it that your reviewing it and giving your honest opinion. That's what I want.

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I reached page 20 today. That is all I have time for today. I'm sorry to be breaking this up in such short pieces. I will read another 10 tomorrow. I have to be honest with you though. This glory is getting more and more confusing. I think you have too many characters, way too many actually. Character seems to come and go and new ones keep popping up all the time. I have no idea who is important and who I need to follow and pay attention to. I know you explained some of this in your early response to my previous comments, however, a screenplay should not have to be explained. If the story needs to be explained a lot then you didn't do a good job with the telling of your story. I hate to say this because I know you have been working hard on this, but I feel that it's crucial that I'm honest too.

This is a superheroes type of script like Xmen. That's why there are so many characters. I even gave some of these characters more powers to reduce the number of characters. It also shows their importance.

The Wavy hair man or Grey hair man are not important. That's why I gave them those types of names.

There are also secondary storylines going on to create tension. Like Grace and Wavy Hair man, Grey haired man are trying to get Angela out. That interferes with Max's plans. That creates tension.

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I just reread your log line and I think that explains why this story seem to be getting off track. The log line says, A father has to team up with his children and ex-wife to escape a fun house. In other words, this story is about Daniel and his kids and his ex-wife. Daniel, as the protagonist should be in almost every single scene. we only get occasional glimpses of him.

I admit his essential, but I'm also trying to explain why he's essential in this story. It's more than just getting along with his wife.

Like I mentioned before, there's two big storylines going on here. I'm trying to develop Daniel since he's a important character in this piece but also develop the bigger picture which is Leonard vs. Nathanial. I have some sequels in mind for this. But you do have a point about making Daniel more important for this piece so I'll see what I can do.

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Page 11. I find Daniels last piece of dialogue to be very weird. Would a father really say that to one of his kids? He is always going to love his kids even if they turn out to be like their mother? That makes Daniel sound like a complete idiot. I would rework that piece of dialogue if I were you.

I meant that has humor. Never going to write comedy. :)

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Page 12. You have one scene heading that is followed by one description. Top left side. Top left side of what?

This goes to me being very specific. :) . Wanted to show where in the area the booth is located. I'll delete that.

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I noticed this school description of Angela earlier too. You write that she ï¿½ preps herselfï¿½. What does that mean?

She has a regimen before doing her thing. She breathes, holds her breathe and then touches. I did this with Candidate One. I didn't want to repeat that so came up with "she preps herself".

Page 13. Again you have a series of shots where you just referred to the people in the shots as either he or she. For clarification and ease of reading you should name them by proper name.

Alright. Fair point. Will do.

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I am not sure who wavy haired man is, but if he's going to be part of this story which he seems like he will since he says I'm here to take you home should probably have a proper name.

He's not.

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Also, during those series of shots, I'm not quite sure I know what happened exactly.

She saw his future.

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Okay, I'm starting to get a little confused. Why did the wavy haired man show up and show Angela a picture? And why are the others suddenly after him and Angela?

This out of behavior for Angela. Zane keeps a watchful eye. I established early on with the video surveillance system.

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Page 16. And now we have a gray-haired man too...

It is true that we should avoid exposition in dialogue, but some explanation of what is going on here if necessary I feel. I feel lost with these jumps between series of shots of things that have either happened or will happen and now we also have stored memories.

It's Zane's ability. He enters people's minds. I think alerted you to that with Zane focusing on her right eye.

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Page 17. You haven't scene heading and the 1st line of description after that is ï¿½ getting the gist, Zane closes his eyes. That line feels extremely weird to come directly after a slug line.

Why? Sincerely asking. I already described the room previously before. After watching the video, Zane understands what's going on.

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Page 18. Did I miss something here? Zane says to Max, killing you was only for her benefit. Now I'm lost Gabe. Did someone try to kill Max and failed or is he dead? He doesn't seem dead so what exactly does Zane means by that statement?

Wanted to create intrigue here. Not explain everything all at once. If I did, this would be a longer script which I didn't want. So, I thought I'll leave some mystery to later on explain.

It would be revealed later on that Grace was there to distract Max but she wanted to kill him.

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Another odd start for an action paragraph. You write that this is the middle area. You need to describe these areas better, because it's hard for me to try to visualize what the middle area is. Why not just state that Patrick and Aster stand near this or that? That would help get a better idea of the scene and situation.

Will delete those.

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You described Gabe as a nerd and then you described his brother Danny as a popular guy. How can he be a popular guy when he is a ghost and nobody can see or hear him?

Gabe and the audience will see and hear Danny. The other characters won't. Think of the movie Ghost.

And the '"popular guy" was meant has a description of the character. I'll work on that though.

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Page 20. I'm starting to see more and more typos. That is why I'm not mentioning them anymore.

Will fix.

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Smiley sort of reminds me of Harpo Marx. That's actually a good thing.

Thanks.

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Smiley entered this script in a grand way and I remember Max welcoming him to the carnival. Now all of a sudden, and it is sudden because not much time has passed yet, he seems to be in cahoots with Max and Zane. How did that all happen?

He wasn't welcoming him. If your referring to the arm over the shoulder, that shows their buddies. But, I'm curious why would you think he was not working for Max?

Hope this explains alot. Sorry for causing this confusion. :B

I have alot of work to do when I get back to it. Thanks. Let me know if want a review.
Gabe

I didn't say it was a chore. :) I've just got a lot on my plate, plus I'm doing this at work.

Why did I think Smiley was new to the carnival? This is Max' first dialogue and he says it to Smiley.

"Glad that you can join us! Iï¿½m your
host, Max. So much is in store for
you. Let me give you the grand
tour."

Take your time, Pia.

I think I'm going to have to use "Us" in the opening.

Thanks.
Gabe

Hey Gabriel,

I remember reading somewhere about you posting this on SS, believe you’ve been working on it a while so congrats on finishing a feature. I’m still pretty raw and am yet to complete one myself and the signs don’t look good that I ever will if the OWC is anything to go by.

Anyway, I read through the first 23 pages tonight and one word to describe it would be "confusing" so far.
I’m guessing the Thomson family is the protags from the logline but they’ve hardly been in the opening 20 pages.

Also things like Danny the ghost and when we moved to Grace’s apartment were like WTF, what’s happening? I’m guessing as I read on all will become clear and begin to make sense so I’m not making a complete assessment of your script here yet. I’ll wait until I’ve completed it and make an overall summery.

I have to say that I have found it hard to visualize, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of scene descriptions. It’s nice for the reader to get some visual picture but I’m finding it very difficult. Just a thought.

These are the notes I took during the read.

P. 1  “Meet SMILEY (25)”  Don’t think you need the “meet” here?

Would have been nice to have a description of the scene, I wasn’t sure if there was an audience or not here.

“pass” think should be past. And again at the bottom of page one.

P. 2 Is Max talking to an audience?  I’m guessing he is but nothing’s been mentioned about them unless I missed it.

“Soon, Smiley” the “soon” seems redundant here.

P.5 Who was the woman in the series of shots? Was it candidate one?

P.6 “(a 50 year old husband)” Should this be man instead of husband? How do we know he’s married?

“etc.” I’m not sure on the use of etc in a script but the reason I brought it up was it reads like a funny orphan on this sentence. If you took out the “pull back” at the beginning of this sentence which isn’t needed IMO, you could solve that pesky orphan.

“Hairless” That’s an awkward description, do you mean bald or literally hairless all over his body like a seal.

“Nathanial Maitlorm” Isn’t capped on first intro. Also you're telling here about the head honcho.

P.8               GRACE
        I was wondering if it would be
        possible that I can interview you
        about your carnival?

This reads awkward?

“Wherever” is one word.

P.10 & 11 There’s a few missed capped letters at the start of Ben’s dialogue. I understand it’s supposed to be continuous but I believe it still needs to be capped.

A lot of “yours” going on in the dialogue here, I’d look out for that.

P.12 Okay, I’m going to come off stupid here but I have to ask. What’s with the “top left side”?

P. 14 “The” isn’t capped at the start of one of the sentences.

Although I like the name “wavy hair man” It feels like he needs a proper name, he seems to be a meaningful character?

Again “where” isn’t capped at the start of a sentence.

Also “where” in the rear master bedroom scene isn’t capped.

P.15 “Max stands.” Superfluous IMO.

P.16 Now I’m not sure about these missing capped letters because you seem to do it on every continuous scene? I thought you capped the start of very new sentence but my grammar isn’t the best so maybe I was wrong. If so then I apologise.

“A medium sized TV” Does the size matter?

Now we have “grey haired man” A lot of hair descriptions throughout.

P.18 “No one except for Gabe notices or hears Danny because he’s a ghost.” This came out left wing, unexpected but surely this is telling.

“peaks” think you mean peeks.

P.19 “stop at the first trailer and knocks” Should be stops.

“Danny passes through couch.” Missing “the”” between through and couch.

                      MAX
              (to Zane and Smiley)
                 On the floor.

Don’t think there is any need for parenthetical here, who else would he talking to?

P.20-21 A few inconsistencies with the slugs IMO. You did the mini slugs earlier for different rooms of the trailer but now it’s all morphed into one slug.

“What a interesting” an instead of a. Typo’s are becoming more frequent now.

P.23 “20 minutes” should be twenty. Maybe a personal choice.

“Danny leaves.” Forgot about Danny, I would reference him a few more times in this scene if it’s important.

Right, I’ve stopped at page 23 for now. Will continue as time allows through the week.

Cheers,

Steve

Hey Steve,

Thanks for the review.

Quoted Text

I remember reading somewhere about you posting this on SS, believe you’ve been working on it a while so congrats on finishing a feature. I’m still pretty raw and am yet to complete one myself and the signs don’t look good that I ever will if the OWC is anything to go by.

It's hard writing a feature. Need alot of discipline and motivation.

I wrote this as a short which some SS members liked. One of them suggested that I turn it into a feature. Hence, the product. It became bigger than I what I expected.

Quoted Text

Anyway, I read through the first 23 pages tonight and one word to describe it would be "confusing" so far.

Damnit. lol.

Quoted Text

I’m guessing the Thomson family is the protags from the logline but they’ve hardly been in the opening 20 pages.

They are, but I'm also developing a bigger story: Leonard vs. Nathaniel. I intend to write sequels within that realm.

This is also a superhero type of story so they're going to be a lot of characters. I tried to eliminate as much as possible.

I show them but I don't want to give too much info. The story's setup in following 4 characters: Max, Daniel, Angela, and Aster.

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Also things like Danny the ghost and when we moved to Grace’s apartment were like WTF, what’s happening? I’m guessing as I read on all will become clear and begin to make sense so I’m not making a complete assessment of your script here yet. I’ll wait until I’ve completed it and make an overall summery.

It's their supernatural abilities. I gave characters more abilities to show their worth to the group.

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I have to say that I have found it hard to visualize, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of scene descriptions. It’s nice for the reader to get some visual picture but I’m finding it very difficult. Just a thought.

I will work on the characters. Pia and Jeff mentioned it. Do you also mean the environment as well?

These are the notes I took during the read.

Quoted Text

P. 1 “Meet SMILEY (25)” Don’t think you need the “meet” here?

Would have been nice to have a description of the scene, I wasn’t sure if there was an audience or not here.

“pass” think should be past. And again at the bottom of page one.

I'm writing under budget. Having a large audience, will require funds so I decided to eliminate that by having the camera represent us. I tried not using We. I guess some people get it while others don't. I'm not saying anything bad about it, just it's a fact. lol. I'll correct the pass.

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P. 2 Is Max talking to an audience? I’m guessing he is but nothing’s been mentioned about them unless I missed it.

“Soon, Smiley” the “soon” seems redundant here.

Like previously before.

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P.5 Who was the woman in the series of shots? Was it candidate one?

Pia mentioned it and i will make it clearer.

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P.6 “(a 50 year old husband)” Should this be man instead of husband? How do we know he’s married?

Wanted to let the reader know what type of people Angela's looking for. there's a pattern.

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“etc.” I’m not sure on the use of etc in a script but the reason I brought it up was it reads like a funny orphan on this sentence. If you took out the “pull back” at the beginning of this sentence which isn’t needed IMO, you could solve that pesky orphan.

that's just me being a director in the most subtlest way. lol, I wanted to show. I 'll see how to make this shorter.

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“Hairless” That’s an awkward description, do you mean bald or literally hairless all over his body like a seal.

I'll write bald.

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“Nathanial Maitlorm” Isn’t capped on first intro. Also you're telling here about the head honcho.

I thought that if you reveal a person on screen that their name gets capped. I guess I was wrong. Will change.

Quoted Text

P.8               GRACE
        I was wondering if it would be
        possible that I can interview you
        about your carnival?

This reads awkward?

I'll eliminate "it would be possible that". Better?

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P.10 & 11 There’s a few missed capped letters at the start of Ben’s dialogue. I understand it’s supposed to be continuous but I believe it still needs to be capped.

Duly noted.

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A lot of “yours” going on in the dialogue here, I’d look out for that.

Will check it.

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P.12 Okay, I’m going to come off stupid here but I have to ask. What’s with the “top left side”?

You're not stupid. I wanted to be specific in the area. That's just me being too detail. I'll delete it.

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Although I like the name “wavy hair man” It feels like he needs a proper name, he seems to be a meaningful character?

He isn't. But I might change it. lol.

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Again “where” isn’t capped at the start of a sentence.

Also “where” in the rear master bedroom scene isn’t capped.

Check out screenwriting websites in reference to slugs. I think they also have the explanation here as well. Ask someone they'll explain it better than I can. Just know that it works. lol.

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P.18 “No one except for Gabe notices or hears Danny because he’s a ghost.” This came out left wing, unexpected but surely this is telling.

Wanted to create new superheroes. And, thought people would have a hard time understanding everything after that scene.

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P.20-21 A few inconsistencies with the slugs IMO. You did the mini slugs earlier for different rooms of the trailer but now it’s all morphed into one slug.

I see what your talking about. Will rectify that.

Let me know if you have something you would like me to review.
Gabe

Don't hate me but I got to page 25 and I'm going to give up.    I've honestly tried but I can't seem to find a story here.   Things aren't making logical sense at this point and I've kind of started to just go through the motions of reading because any little distraction distracts me.  Kind of like when you're reading a technical manual - except one where you have no clue about the technology.

And it's surprising that I can't find a story because you seem to relish in the detail of telling this "tale".  Sometimes much more detail than you really need.

For example, there's no reason to introduce the acts in the ring - they don't really do anything for any story as far as I can tell.   Then you go on to tell us what's on all the monitors but it doesn't really matter because you don't mention them again in that scene - plus nothing is really happening on any of them.   Then those directions on the slugs - I'm certain they mean something to you but completely lost and confusing to me.  Just make up a place, Cup Cake Stand, Toilets, Pathway, whatever.  What direction it's in isn't important (and it will especially not be important when it's produced).

Then the moment you introduce the circus we're somewhere else.  That should be another indication of why you don't need to give us the tour.  I learned nothing on the tour.

Also, you really need to work on your dialogue.  And this surprises me but for a script where I've completely lost my bearing, your dialogue tells me exactly what you want to say.  Some of it exceedingly on the nose.

MAX
I understand about protecting loved
ones. However, I'm placed in a
predicament. She's not leaving
without you. Neither is this man.
And you have a duty to fulfill. So,
they're staying for the time being.
Once the job's done, they both
leave.

I think Gabe that you really need to go through this and clean up those slugs and get rid of excess description.  Then decide what the story is and introduce it in the first 10 pages.   You can worry about the carnival as it figures into the story.

Once there's a story to latch onto people will have an easier time reading and be more likely to finish it.  And if you are really successful in keeping their attention then they might even forgive some of the mistakes.

Your job is to provide that story, upfront.  I just don't see you doing that here.

Michael

Hey Michael.

SPOILERS!

Quoted Text

Staring daggers at your fishbowl at this very instance. lol.

It's cool. It was not going to my first masterpiece. I'm going back to this eventually and rewrite it some more. I've improved in the shorts dept. a bit so I can improve on this.

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And it's surprising that I can't find a story because you seem to relish in the detail of telling this "tale". Sometimes much more detail than you really need.

I did a lot of drafts on this. lol. And even came up with bio for almost all the characters. lol. I even worked out the structure. lol. I have to work on making this more clearer though.

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For example, there's no reason to introduce the acts in the ring - they don't really do anything for any story as far as I can tell.

The characters in the show are going to be shown again in the end. And, it's part of the show welcoming the audience. I wanted to open with a bang.

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Then you go on to tell us what's on all the monitors but it doesn't really matter because you don't mention them again in that scene - plus nothing is really happening on any of them.

Also, Wanted to show that Max' s crew is watching the carnival. Also give a bit of character on Zane {he's attention to detail).

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Then those directions on the slugs - I'm certain they mean something to you but completely lost and confusing to me. Just make up a place, Cup Cake Stand, Toilets, Pathway, whatever. What direction it's in isn't important (and it will especially not be important when it's produced).

That you have point made by Pia and I think Jeff. I'll fix the top on the left stuff.

In regards to Southwest and southeast, I placed them there so the reader can have a sense of where they are in the carnival. Readers need to know where they are. I give the reader the quadrant and the booth.

So, this is out of sincerety and that I want to write this correctly, if I just wrote EXT. CUP CAKE STAND - DAY, would that have been sufficient info for location?

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Then the moment you introduce the circus we're somewhere else. That should be another indication of why you don't need to give us the tour. I learned nothing on the tour.

I'm introducing you to the world that the stories going to take place. A world where a clown just flew, landed, and survived.

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Also, you really need to work on your dialogue. And this surprises me but for a script where I've completely lost my bearing, your dialogue tells me exactly what you want to say. Some of it exceedingly on the nose.

MAX
I understand about protecting loved
ones. However, I'm placed in a
predicament. She's not leaving
without you. Neither is this man.
And you have a duty to fulfill. So,
they're staying for the time being.
Once the job's done, they both
leave.

Get it right at times and get it wrong at times. I think sometimes on the nose dialgoue works. People talk to each other directly. That piece of diagloue you quoted Michael is where Angela is tied up. Max has Grace hostage. Max is telling Angela straight up what's her options. lol. I'm just explaining some of my writing. But I will go back and see what I can do.

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I think Gabe that you really need to go through this and clean up those slugs and get rid of excess description.

Going to definitely work on that.

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Then decide what the story is and introduce it in the first 10 pages.

I did. The family is introduced and I even created the problem: they can't stand each other.

Thanks Michael for the review. Sorry you didn't like it. Sorry I made you confused. I'll work on making this clearer. Hopefully my next work will not be confusing.

Gabe

Gabe, I read through page 30 today. I hate to do this, but I am going to have to quit here. IMHO, this script has too many issues with it already at this point that I would suggest a complete overhaul. I think what I said the other day though, is that you have lost sight of the core of your story. You know how most screenwriting gurus always tell us to write the log line 1st and then write it on the piece of paper and tape it to your computer monitor. That way you will never lose track of what the story is really about. I think that is what has happened here. This story is not about Daniel having to team up with his ex-wife to get out of the fun house. At least not so far.

I know you have worked a long time and very hard on this script. If I remember correctly, it's your 1st feature. I don't think there is one single person here at SS who wrote a fantastic script the 1st time, so don't feel bad, but this particular story, just doesn't seem to work. Whatever you decide to do with it I wish you the best.

Pia

Page 21. MMMMM... Not sure what that means.

You're right that Max points, but not what he points at.

Page 22. I have no idea what Angela is talking about. Nor do I have any clue what Max is talking about. And I have absolutely no idea why Zane suddenly goes brutal.

Page 23. I had totally forgot about Danny. While this whole scene goes on, you probably should mention him a couple of times even if it's just standing in the corner watching.

Slight confusion here about Gabe. Who is he and what is he going to do? I know you introduced him earlier, but you gave me no indication that he was also part of this, whatever it is. The same goes for Patrick and Aster. I thought they were just visitors to the carnival.

You don't need to tell us what direction someone is heading. South, East, West or North, because it doesn't matter. It is not relevant to the story.

Page 26. I don't think that the enormous tent would have a fabric that could catch fire just from a cigarette. Those types of fabrics are usually very thick canvas type covered in plastic or similar. I do however, like your idea of Danny whom no one can see or hear being the one that sees the fire and tries to alert people. That was good. At the same time, it seems to me that Danny would know by now that no one can see or hear him...

Page 27. I'm rather curious how all the cars' engines could end up on the ground. I can see the tires being slashed, that can be done other quick, but getting the engines out?... On all the cars?

Page 29. I am confused why Max won't let the customers go.

I don't really like MAN #…. Gets to be a very confusing read when you have that many people without names and just a number.

Page 30. Who is Xavier? I don't remember being introduced to him earlier.

I'm actually a bit confused here by the end of this page. It seems like all the customers at this carnival are somehow involved in whatever it is that they are doing their. Whatever illegal stuff they are doing. Seems like there are no regular customers at all.

No problem, pia. I have a lot of work to do on this script. thanks though.

Gabe

Hey Gabe, I don't want this to seem like dog piling here, but I do feel the need to chime in.

I actually read the entire script, and I've been fighting with myself about whether or not to say anything.  Since both Cornie and Pia stopped after 30 or so pages, I feel like honesty is the best choice here.

Gabe, I was much more than just confused throughout the script.  I was completely clueless as to what was going on, and more importantly why whatever was going on, was going on.

Nothing made any sense at all.  No characters made any sense at all.  No dialogue exchanges made any sense at all.  And finally, no action sequences made any sense at all.

On top of all these story elements, the writing on display was extremely difficult at best to get through.

There were numerous instances when you were flashing between scenes in which you'd write something to the point of, "So an so moves." - and that would literally be it.  To make matters worse, you'd then come back to this same scene, less than a page later, and write the exact same line, "So and so moves.".

My point is that your writing was so far from visual writing.  It was literally impossible to "see" anything that was supposed to be going on.  This was prevalent throughout the entire script.

As both Cornie and Pia said, not only is there no story here, but the story you laid out in your logline has so little to do with the overall "story" or action.

SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS

It looks like you are going after some kind of action hero/comic book setup of 2 groups of warring super powers.  What they are warring over and why they're doing what they're doing, I have no idea.  But, to make this work, or have any chance of working, you have to set up this world and these characters first...and in no way did you do that.

I don't want to be negative, but as Pia recommended, I have to agree 100% that you need to ditch what you have here and go back to square one and figure out exactly what it is you actually want to write about, because as it sits now, no one who's looked at it has a clue.

It seems like you have a very big story here with lots of unique characters, and that's a tough story and script to write by any means.  It really takes alot of planning and figuring, and it may just be too much for you at this point in your writing.  IMO, you should practice your craft by writing something much smaller scale and much simpler.

I appreciate the effort here, but in its current form, it ain't working.  Hope this helps.

Best of luck going forward.

Thanks Jeff.

Honesty is the best policy. I appreciate that. I get great feedback from SS members. Hopefully, I reciprocate that back.

I'm working on another feature (my soulshadows entry). Once, I'm done with that, I'll return back to this and see what I can do. I have a long list of things to work on.

Thanks again to those who've read it and reviewed it.
Gabe

Yo Gabe,

It's funny, I was reading this just as I got your message.  Great minds think alike!

First of all, congrats on finishing your first feature. You've done something not a lot of people can do. That's something to be proud of.  Now comes the really fun process of rewriting muwahahaha.  I don't usually read other people's comments but this time I did because I don't know why.  I read the whole thing so hopefully I can give you some ideas here for future drafts.

Alright, so, I remember the short of this pretty good.  And I liked it, too.  But I think for this you really swayed from what made the short a success and tried to make this waaaaaay too big and ultimately I just got lost in the whole thing.

What I think is the biggest issue are the characters.  To start off, Max's Traveling Carnival about a divorced couple who need to work together to get out of a Funhouse.  What shocked me was how microscopic of a part Max had.  If I recall correctly he was a bit of an eccentric evil dude in the short.  And he had some witty lines.  And he was the villain.  Here?  He was just a face in the crowd whose name was slapped onto the carnival.  I couldn't tell you anything about him.  For me that was a letdown because Max could have and should have been the best character in here.  I mean his name is in the title.  And Daniel and Elenore just felt like a random subplot.  It's like 70 pages or so were placed around Daniel and Elenore's 15 pages from the short.  The story wasn't about them.  They were just there.

As for everyone else, again, I couldn't tell you anything about them.  I was lost and confused.  William, Leah, Aster, Robert, Nathaniel, Zane, Leonard, Gabe, Danny, Grace, Angela...I have no idea.  I saw one of your comments was that you were going for a superhero type deal.  I did see that in here, but I couldn't tell you what was going on or why.  And then there's still the gray haired man, that other generic description guy, and one scene where Man#1-#8 were fighting equally random characters.  In action sequences we gotta see someone fighting that we know.  Otherwise it's just a Jean Claude movie.

So what can we do about that?  You've got the cool factor down - a carnival screams possibilities.  I don't want to say go back to square one because I think every idea can be fixed or reworked, but I think this would work better with more focus on the carnival and the sideshow acts.  I would have liked to see way more of them.  More development with them.  Drop everyone I mentioned above with a name and instead center the story around the carnival acts.  Maybe there's an impending uprising between the sideshows and that's where the battle comes from.  The dialogue, which I think was also an issue because there wasn't a heck of a lot of differentiation, may work itself out with more focus on a lesser number of more dynamic characters.

I also don't usually mention this, but the slugs were confusing.  For example "Ext. South Road (Max's Carnival Side) - 8th Trailer - Day".  Dude, that probably sounds clear in your head but for us readers we need something way dumbed down.  All of the directions in the slugs and stuff threw me through a hoop.

So it's a carnival, it's creepy, there's some really cool acts on the surface with Smiley and Firestarter and Jugular.  The knife sequence was great (I recall something similar in the short).  The cunt line was hilarious.  Daniel and Elenore sewed together is a cool idea.  In fact, maybe, if you choose to center the story around them (because honestly it's not), have them make that decision earlier in the script.  In order to save their children they have to sacrifice their bodies and get sewed together in order to work together to find them.  That would be frickin' twisted but make for a really good plot turn, too.

The opening tour is a cool intro.  Wording needs to be worked on as others have pointed out and Max's dialogue is really bland, but that would be a hell of a way to start out a movie.  Imagine this creepy carnival dude with his muted clown doing flips, fire being blown, knives thrown, total carnival atmosphere.  Just needs some retooling.

So I hope you can take some of these words and ideas and use them to your benefit.  It was a challenging read because by page 20 I was so lost and it didn't really come back together at any point...except for the scenes with Daniel and Elenore because A) I remember them from the short and B) the story is supposed to be about them.  But it's really not.  The focus needs to be rediscovered and make the story either about the sideshows, or the couple, or the superhero aspect (which, by the way, the superhero powers I wasn't big on. Taking place in a carnival I think you have enough potential for the weird and the bizarre.  I don't think you need other outside powers but that's just me).  Or maybe combine them.  Maybe there's this carnival sideshow uprising and Daniel and Elenore are caught in the middle of it and have to work together to save themselves and Ben and Julie.  And in the process they get really injured and the only way to save their family is if they agree to have their bodies sewn together, so in essence they actually become part of the sideshow and go through miraculous changes.  Hey, not bad haha.

Best of luck with this, Gabe.  If you have any questions or want clarification feel free to let me know!

Greg

Hey Greg

Thanks for the read. I'm going back to the basics. I have some ideas on how to do that but it's going to be a long journey. lol.

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

I continued on today and made it to page 40, I’m still very confused by this point and that is not a good thing when you consider I’m nearly half way through. There have been so many characters that I’ve lost track of a lot and that might be good thing because they’re beginning to drop like flies.

The protag family is still an issue, they’re hardly in the opening 40 pages and that’s a real problem for me. Also what scenes they have are so far apart, it's hard to feel any connection with them at the moment.

The fight scenes could do with a good tidy up, it was very condensed on the page and felt blocky for some reason even though it was broken up passages. The slugs and locations are a problem for me, we are in one scene but seem to be moving all over the place in that one location. Just found it very hard to visualise. Too much happening in such a short piece of time.

Well, confusing is an understatement for the story, I still have no idea what the plot is? Why’s Max and Zane suddenly killing customers? A fire started and all hell broke loose and I have no idea why? I then thought Gabe and the trio were the good guys but now they are talking to the Magician so now…like I say, I’m pretty lost at the moment.

These are the notes I took during the read:

P.23 “They were three people” do you mean there instead of they?

P.24 Don’t feel you need the parenthetical (to Aster and Patrick) It’s obvious to the reader as he’s repeating what Danny said.

Also keep an eye on what Danny and Gabe are saying because it’s inconsistent. Danny tells Gabe they’re in the second trailer from the right but Gabe then tells Patrick and Aster they’re in the first trailer from the right. Unless this is intentional.

Another uneeded parenthetical (to Gabe) here IMO. He actually states his name in the dialogue.

“Angela walks north.” This is too vague IMO, we need more description as a reader to visualise Angela and where she's headed.

“Aster and Patrick try to find out what or who Gabe’s looking at.” I don’t understand this, what are they doing?

“Find out where’s she’s going.” Think it should just be where.

P.25 “Where she’s going?” should be “Where is she going?”

P.26 It could be a little clearer when Danny arrives at the tent, it’s a little confusing as written at the moment IMO. I’m being confused by all the walking north, south, southeast and so forth.

Thought only Gabe could hear Danny? Some guy just heard him shouting fire?

P.27 Where did the customers come from? Were they outside or inside the tent?

Repetitive use of walkie talkie in Max’s trailer, you only need to mention it once IMO.

Is Max’s trailer on the south road? I’m confused as to where I am. I think the slugs and scenes need to be separated better. I’m finding it difficult to know where everybody is.

So south road is also a car park?

P.28 “Zane goes to Max’s side” reads awkward and what happened with the fire? Zane took off with the fire extinguisher, I’m guessing he put it out but it seemed quick.

“He balls up his hands into his fists.” Take out “his” before fists.

P.31 I’m not sure about the “POW” and “WHOP” All I get is an image of the old Batman series with Adam West, not the image I think you intended. Might just be me but worth considering.

I could be wrong but I don’t think any of the individual carnies got capped on first intro, not sure to be honest. I think this whole fight scene needs to be cleaned up, a lot of characters with the same descriptions and it confuses the read.

On a positive, it’s good to see some of the hero aspects going on and the Gray haired man’s death was a surprise.

P.32 “Jugular throws a knife at Man #4 and a knife at Man #5,
taking them down temporarily” Surely a knife would do more damage here.

“The three leave fast, heading north.” Who’s leaving?

P.33 “besides Zane” Should just be beside.

“He throws down the fire extinguisher.” Who? I’m guessing the magician but Zane was the last person to have it?

“They’re people in the cars.” Should be “there are people in the cars”

BANG! He shoots Xavier (the Wavy Hair Man) in the head as he
walks over him. Who is this? Zane? Max?

P.34 Some inconsistencies in the slugs here.

EXT. ELENORE’S CAR – DAY

And then

INT. CAR – DAY

P.35 “The kids move front” should be “the kids move to the front”

P.37 “Their” should be there.

“The customers tremble” Think this should be scream or something. I can’t imagine every customer trembling at the same time.

“20 minutes” Twenty instead of 20.

P.38 “The Magician has been upgraded to full name status, ROBERT
VALENTINE” Okay, I’ve never seen this in a script, feels more like a video game type thing.

P.39 “Angela screams farther” How would we know it’s Angela? I think this should be set after the mini slug.

“shot right shoulder” I think injured would read better than shot here.

“She searches the ground and finds a rock. Grabbing it...
BANG!...her hand bleeds.” Okay I think Zane shot her hand but this reads like the rock did something to her hand? Needs to be clearer IMO.

Okay, Grace and Angela are now dead and I have to be honest and say I’m completely lost in the story. I will complete this by the end of the week but will stop taking notes from now on. I’ll just try to concentrate on the story.

All the best. :)

Steve.

Hey Gabe,

Finished your script but didn't take page by page notes this time. I think you already know there are many problems going on. Previous posters have already mentioned about this needing a complete overhaul and I couldn't agree more to be honest with you.

The logline doesn't fit the story, if anything; the protag family takes a back seat for the whole script and never get a lot to do. Even when they enter the fun house on around page 50, I think they stay in the mirror room for like 20 pages but get like 5 pages of scene time.

The kids just disappeared all together after page 43, I think there was literally one mention of them when they exit the trailer with Patrick and that was it.

If this is the protags, they surely need to feature more. At the end they’re told their special but they didn't seem it to me, it was like they got caught in the middle of something much bigger than them. It’s a shame because the family dynamic could have worked so effectively, maybe not here in the story you have at the moment but the idea of a wrecked relationship having to be fixed to help in a common goal is sound, just needs to be the centre of attention rather than in the background. It also needs to be developed better so we want to follow their journey.

All the other characters were faceless, no personalities and very hard to connect with sorry to say. I think the major problem was the amount. It was so difficult to keep up with everyone and everything that was happening that it became a jumbled mess by the end.

The slugs and locations were also a major problem for me:

"A couple of yards away" for instance, if someone is a couple of yards away then they're basically in the same scene right?

There was a lot of this kind of thing: (Max's carnival side), (spot where Aster was) I have no visual image of this, maybe in your head you can see it but I was lost, sorry.

Also, you had a slug and then a short sentence like "Daniel and Elenore move" and that was it. Then on the same page, exactly the same slug and action repeated.

Simple aspects of the story never made sense, a character called Unseen (we're not supposed to be able to see him right?) but he see him exiting a door. Another scene, Zane tells Max to go to his trailer and destroy papers, next scene Zane and Robert are in Zane's trailer but no sign of Max? Maybe it's just the way it's written because it isn't clear sometimes.

The action scenes could be better developed IMO, one scene when Jugular is throwing knives at a tied-up Elenore but keeps missing, all I could think is go up there and bloody stab her, she's tied up! Then after all that, they take them away unharmed because they want them alive. Huh, what was all the fighting about then?

Also, some paragraphs seemed to end mid-sentence, well it appeared that way when reading.

The dialogue throughout is in need of some work, some segments felt like characters just repeating themselves. Other times it just read awkward and made no sense to the overall plot.

Okay, I think you can tell there were a few problems for me but the major gripes for me and IMHO would suggest you change when you rework this are:

SPOLIERS:

When Leonard is explaining about himself and his brother and what they do, this doesn't work for me on any level. This element could work but when you have him saying things like "My brother and I can't get involved since we'll defeat everyone easily" This for me is not a good line of dialogue and completely took me out of this, two guys, all powerful but can't do anything because they think it would be too easy for them. Just doesn't work for me.

Also the scene with Leonard and Nathanial reclining in chairs wearing 3D glasses needs to be cut, this goes into spoof territory IMO and has totally upset what balance you had going. Can the reader take anything serious after this, I mean these guys are watching everything unfold on a big 3D television in recliner chairs eating popcorn? I have to ask where this idea came from? It come out a bit left field and doesn't tie into anything preceding it.

For me, this was a bad scene and totally took me away from the story, it felt so out of place.

The resolution as it is needs a lot of work. So Daniel and Elenore are given a choice, join your bodies together, like cut them in half and join them to find your children? Maybe it’s just me but doesn't this seem a tad out there, who’s honestly going to believe this and why would it help them find their children? It just wasn't for me and I think you need to work on a better resolution when reworking this.

Like others, I have to be honest and say that I think you need to scrap this and start from page one again. I think you need to develop the protag family better and most importantly, give the story and characters some meaning, why‘s all this happening? I finished and was still none the wiser about what had just happened?

I understand it was two groups of heroes but I'm still not sure why they were fighting? Have you ever watched "Heroes" The 4th season was all about carnies with superpowers, the whole season revolved around this and if you haven't seen it, it might be worth a look? It could give you some new ideas on where to take this.

It's an ambitious project here for sure, you've put a lot of work into it but it doesn't work for me the way it is at the moment. I hope you tackle another rewrite and use all what people have said to your advantage in taking this forward.

I'm sorry if anything I've said comes off as harsh but I think you need to know the elements that haven't worked for me.

All the best with it, Gabe. :)

Steve

Congrats on completing your first script. I know what that's like and it's cathartic!

I looked at the first ten pages or so. First, the directional (southwest, etc.) is very confusing. I don't think this is necessary. For example, no need to tell the reader that the ice cream stand is on the "West Path". Just use EXT. ICE CREAM STAND. Same goes for RIDES AND GAMES. Just get rid of the directional description in the slugs. I doubt readers will map out the area in pad and paper while reading this. State the location and use a one line to describe it.

There's also three people you describe with hairstyles. It's fine with one or two but the three people are described by hairstyles in the same scene. Change it up. Maybe one of them wears a t-shirt that describes their personality. Descriptions should hint at their character.

Based on what's given, I see Ben as someone who doesn't like his hair combed - possibly a rebel attitude. Why not make him wear a Metallica shirt and/or have him wear ripped jeans. I know he's 11 and all but that kid would rock. I'm just giving this as an example as I haven't read further enough to note where/how you want Ben's character to be.

Sorry if I repeated some notes here already. In general, I think you can cut down your action lines and simplify your slugs to make this one stronger.

Good luck!

Thanks Kinkcooky55

If you repeat something, that means I have to fix it. so no worries on that department.

Appreciate the read. If you would like a return read, let me know.

I'm going to do a rewrite on this soon. Just finishing up 2 scripts at the moment before I do. :)

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley

*stokes the fires*

Hey Gabe,

This came up in my queue...
I see it seems likely you're in rewrites.

Should I wait on a new draft for this one?

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Brett,

I'm going to rewrite this bad boy so please don't read this. Don't want to cause you a headache in trying to figure this script out. lol. Appreciate it though. I would appreciate a review on my 7wc script when it's posted. :)

Quoted from Mr.Ripley

Deal! ;D

E.D.

Hey Gabe.

I remember liking the short for this one, and I was finally able to crack it open this morning for a read.

I read the first act, had all my thoughts to post for you, and I figured I better go back and read some of what other people are saying

I think Greg is pretty much spot on with everything I was thinking, and gave you some great ideas, both how to fix the feature and ways you can take it.

All I'll say is there is a great idea here... there's great possibilities... but you need to focus on just one aspect of your 'Grand Plan' here at a time. You've mentioned sequels already, but just work on one idea at a time, and take it from there. 'Avengers' wouldn't have made as much money as it has if the heroes didn't have their solo introductions first.

I'll find out which 7wc entry is yours and dowload it and give it a read over the next couple days.

Let me know when you have a new draft of 'Max' up and I'll be happy to check it out.

NEW DRAFT!

Finally, got around to rewriting this. lol. The previous posts from here on out are for an old draft I did. I used those reviews as a foundation to construct this revised feature. Thanks to those who left comments.

NOTE: I did not change the script to follow all of the comments. I'm sorry but, I need to retain some of my style and vision in this. We'll have to agree to disagree on some things. Nothing personal. It's just writing. lol.
If you find a problem that was mentioned before and I didn't change it in this draft, let me know and I'll consider it but, I'll at least offer an explanation on why I didn't go through with it. lol. I'll always consider feedback. END NOTE.

Thank you Don for posting the rewrite up fast and for placing it in the action/adventure category.

I think I've come up with a better logline but, I would like to know which logline works best before I ask to change it.

In a X-men style action and adventure, a young girl discovers she has a superhuman ability and embarks on a quest to save her parents from an evil carnival leader.

OR

Discovering she has a superhuman ability, a young girl embarks on a quest to save her parents from an evil carnival leader. (This is the one that's posted up)

OR

Whatever you suggest. lol. I'm open to ideas. I kind of dig the first one due to the X-men reference but, I don't know. Let me know your thoughts.

Furthermore, thanks to Gary Rademan (grademan), Mark Moore (irish eyes), and Mark Lyons (rc1107) for their insightful reviews which they did twice for me.

WHAT MAJOR CHANGES I DID? Well,...:

Reduced characters. lol.
Focused more attention btw family and Max.
Took the story outside the carnival.
And made it more action/adventure/horror.

Any reviews will be appreciated. If you would like a return read, let me know.

And thanks to those who do review this.

Gabe

Quoted from Gabe

I think I've come up with a better logline but, I would like to know which logline works best before I ask to change it.

That's tough to say. Usually, I don't like to compare my stories to anything else, but using the X-Men comparison would probably attract more viewers and be a bigger selling point.

I'd say use the non-X-men logline for now, and see if you can find a way to distinguish the story to distance yourself from the X-men comparison to stand on its own.

Totally understandable, Mark.

The first logline using the X men reference I find to be way to long. lol. I can separate it into a different sentence if I had another movie prob.

I'll need some time to think about it. But, as we know, time is very short. lol.

I'll see what others have to say.

Gabe

Bumping it up in the hopes of getting reads.

Hey Gabe,

I'll give this a read brother.

You give a lot to SS. The least I cando is return the favor.

Give me a few days to get back to you.

Shawn.....><

No problem Shawn

Thanks. If you want me to read something of yours, let me know.

Gabe

Hello Gabe,

I remember seeing this a long time back as

Max's Traveling Circus

Why did you change it to Carnival? I liked circus better.

If you shoot me a PM with where you want this to go, I can try and read with that in mind and maybe stoke the fires. I haven't read a word of it yet, maybe that's well and good. I can bring you an extremely fresh perspective.

Sandra

I've stopped at page 48 and will continue later.

I forgot the original version, but I think this version still has a LOT of characters. I was halfway through and you were still introducing named characters (i.e. CLAIRE on page 47). I get a sense that these circus freaks are way too one dimensional. TIME controls time. STRONG is well... strong. And why can't MAGIC just have Time's powers? Why have TRANCE when Max has the same powers? I'm not a big fan of these villains with one-time gimmicks. I think there's still a lot of room for cutting these characters and to trim A LOT. None of these guys are memorable, except maybe for MAX but he's hardly in the first half of the story.

The possession thing can be confusing, especially when you introduce the double possession (Alexa and Rebecca in Gaby's body). The only way I can see this working is if you create really distinct voices for GAby and Alexa. They both talk the same way so it's hard to differentiate who's who. Especially if this goes to screen. Maybe make Gaby speak in a street slang and Alexa is more clean cut in terms of diction/dialogue. So when Gaby (possessed by Alexa) it's easier to see who's who. This is especially important in the screen version as the only way the audience can tell someone's changed is through dialogue and change in body movements. Same with Rebecca, her voice has to feel distinct.

Notes as went along:

pg 11 - don't need three lines to show who enters car and where. Everybody gets in. And off they go.
pg 12 - TWO STORY... looks awkward as a slug. Just say EXT HOME. and in the description write "TWO STORY..." or say it's the same house that Magic was looking at.
pg 12 - Emphasize INVISIBLE. Cap it or underline it. I had to go back and reread this to make sure they can turn invisible.
pg 14 - Because you used "TWO STORY..." you get an awkward slug here. That's why it's better to establish it as "GABY'S HOME" or something more obvious. The
"INT. TWO STORY, FRONT GABLE HOME - PARENT’S BEDROOM - NIGHT" looks very awkward.
pg 14 You have a mini-slug and then use a full slug. Either method is fine but don't mix it. Either establish a main location slug and use minis or use full slugs.
pg 20. TIME and HUNTER? There's a lot of characters here already. WHy not give
MAGIC all the magic powers, like freezing time, if that's what you're getting at.
pg 22. Why not bring time in the first place?
pg 31 "Rebeca enters Gaby (Alexa). Same as before but, with an
additional twist." It was starting to get confusing already now this double possession
raises some red flags about how complex this could be.
pg 33. Rebecca can now control people? Maybe I missed it but I thought she didn't know how to possess/control people?
pg 37. VIRUS? Another possible character? He/she sounds like Shape Shifter. Really do you need this character? Every character, particularly the circus freaks, are too one-dimensional. YOu gotta give them more depth.
pg 41. Rebecca's description of the powers sound like it came from a video game.
Is it really necessary to have this kind of complexity in terms of powers?
pg 44. And I still see named characters popping in. How many characters were in the original? This character count is already high and a majority are one-dimensional.
pg 46. "As Gaby prepares her dialogue to Juan..." This reads weird. How about just a simple "Gaby's about to speak --"

Thanks Kingcooky555 for the review thus far. Can't wait for more.

I think I might have to go with the Xmen logline then. :)

SPOILERS!

Quoted Text

I forgot the original version, but I think this version still has a LOT of characters.

I wanted to create my own type of Xmen/Heroes world. These are different rules and, hopefully, characters you've never seen before.

It was a real challenge for me to balance the number of characters, but for now I gotta be stand behind this. They play a role. Even if it's a small role, it's a role to move the story forward. I thought about this a lot. lol.

I tried to differentiate the major ones from the minor ones by their descriptions. For instance, the major characters get specific ages (like 33, 43, 40) while, the minor characters get a rough estimate (mid 30s, mid 20s, late 50s).

Also, the major ones get more screenplay time while, the others don't. For example, Max may not be there physically but, he calls his men to check on progress or inform them of something new. He's the boss. He's going to go out on the field only for something major.

The minor ones don't communicate as much....unless they're told to.

In addition, Max keeps sending them out in the hopes of killing Gaby. lol. Max controls a lot of them so he's going to use them for his purpose.

Quoted Text

Why have TRANCE when Max has the same powers?

I was able to combine some powers but, you can't with others. Each character has they're own distinctive power. Even though Trance and Max can control people, they do it differently. Trance's a hypnotist. Max isn't. Trance's power is more efficient for controlling people for a longer period of time without her presence. Max needs to be in front of the person.

Quoted Text

The possession thing can be confusing, especially when you introduce the double possession (Alexa and Rebecca in Gaby's body).

The possession was tricky. Dialogue is such a pain. lol. I would like to argue that you can tell them apart from the powers. And when that double possession happens, it takes place in an area where they're not talking as much. lol.

I would work on correcting those notes. Just my explanations

pg. 11 It did matter since how was Gaby to discover Rebeca's secret?

pg. 12 The TWO STORY I wanted to be clear on what home the reader was going to.  Will emphasize INVISIBLE thing.

pg. 14 I didn't want to reveal that it was Gaby's home. But, I'll see what can do I to fix that slug.

pg. 14 will fix the slug.

pg. 20 I wanted to display Max's dominance. He has a lot of people at his disposable. This is what Gaby's up against.  It's also meant to reveal Max's operation.

pg. 22 They didn't expect any problems that Count and Unseen can't handle.

pg. 31 I used those multiple possessions only for sharing powers mostly not for communicating.

pg. 33 Gaby's a medium. This is later revealed.

pg. 37 I only mentioned Virus. Another example of how tough it will be to against Max. The minor characters only have one ability. A few only have two or three or more.

pg. 41 I have to be original. It was never my intention to be complex just be realistic and innovative. I view this world as is.

pg. 44  This is xmen. lol.

pg. 46 I wanted to convey that Gaby is thinking on what to say.

As always, all reviews would be taken under consideration when I rewrite this again. I simply wanted to explain myself with this script.

Let me know if you would like me to read something.

Thanks again,
Gabe

Okay got to the end. I admit skimming the battle in the end as it was getting rather confusing. Plus all these characters was just hard to track.

I get you're trying to do an X-Men here. But the only reason why X-MEN works in the movies is because everyone knows the history behind the characters. Magneto, Storm, Wolverine, Cyclops -- all these characters have a deep history explored in comic books. The movies only work because most people know this history and the writer doesn't have to spend twenty minutes developing these characters (although I think the existing X-MEN movies lack character depth).

Now, if you're developing your own set of superheroes, you don't have this advantage of a pre-set, existing back story. YOu will need to convince the audience that these characters -- protags and villains -- are interesting enough to pay attention to. With all these characters, it's hard to do that. So you have all these one-dimensional characters that feel contrived. When you need to stop time, you have a character called TIME. When you need people to fly, you have someone called FLYER.

On page 90 -- ""There are a total of 30 living survivors." And then you start naming them. That should be a clue that there is way too many characters here. Let me put my producer/director hat here - I see two problems. One this will cost a lot of money to hire all these actors - not to mention the logistical nightmare of coordinating thirty something actors for the shoot. Lastly, how will I attract acting talent to play so many one-dimensional villains? This current narrative is not budget friendly. Maybe you intended this to be a summer tentpole? But this would open other cans of worms...

I see two solutions. One, cut down on the characters and focus on developing a "core." OR convert this script to a TV pilot. In a TV format, you can throw in a lot of characters with the promise of future episodes to explore each one.

Here are the rest of my notes:

pg 55 Was this supposed to be dialogue? - "I blew her sky high. No one
could’ve survived that explosion."
pg 57 The translation should not be in brackets. Just write the dialogue
normally and then put a parenthetical (in Spanish, subtitled). Some scripts even
italicize the Spanish, but let the director decide what he/she wants to do.
pg 74. They need someone to fly so they bring someone named "Flyer". I still
think you've got way to many one-dimensional characters here. Also, some of
the characters feel contrived. When the narrative needs someone who can stop time,
a character named TIME shows up. When the narrative needs someone to fly, a character
named FLYER comes out.
pg 76. I get what you're trying to do here:
"Gaby (Flyer, Rebeca) becomes visible on the floor."
But again as I foreshadowed early in Act one. This looks awkward.
pg 76 "He (She) goes over to Danielle" I would use their actual names here. This is really
vague.
pg 81 It's getting really confusing with all these characters and double possessions.
pg 90 "There are a total of 30 living survivors." Then you start naming them...
If I was a reader/producer reading this, I'd think off the costs involved hiring
all these actors, and the challenge of enticing talent to play one-off characters.

Good luck!

Hey Kingcooky555,

Skimming is a part of reading. lol. I'm guilt as well. I'm going to have to fix that third act though. :(

SPOILERS!

This is my superhero screenplay. :) Compared to the last feature I had up, I'm proud of this one. This one at least makes more sense IMO of course. Max's goal, get the parents and kill Gaby. Gaby's goal, get parents back and stop Max. What gets confusing are the characters who get involved to help either Max or Gaby.

Quoted Text

I get you're trying to do an X-Men here. But the only reason why X-MEN works in the movies is because everyone knows the history behind the characters. Magneto, Storm, Wolverine, Cyclops -- all these characters have a deep history explored in comic books. The movies only work because most people know this history and the writer doesn't have to spend twenty minutes developing these characters (although I think the existing X-MEN movies lack character depth).

Totally understand your argument. However, how about the people that didn't know about them? Can they not learn? Some people don't read comic books. lol.

When I was introduced to X-Men, it was through the movies and I didn't know anything about them. lol. I learned by watching through the films, and then the tv series on netflix. :)

If you would put my screenplay in a series per se, this screenplay starts in the middle which I purposefully set up as so. Decided to leave some mystery and use the data that it's not there as background to some of the characters. Keep a little intrigue going on there. And, hopefully start a series. :)

Granted there are a lot of one time characters (TIME, HUNTER, FLYER), but the only reason why these one time characters appear is because of Max. Don't you think Max will use them when he needs them? And again, I'm showing how tough it will be for Gaby to get Max. I at least gave them names that would let you know what their function was so it could be easier to remember them, if you wanted too. And, this gives you a insight into how Max operates.

In terms of money, these one time characters can be played by extras or actors who don't mind appearing in movies. :)

There one time characters, why would you remember them? The major ones get screenplay time, either by talking or by appearing in the scene. I made sure of that. lol.

Quoted Text

On page 90 -- ""There are a total of 30 living survivors." And then you start naming them.

Most of them are Virus Clones. Devoid wasn't going to get all of them. They're were going to be a few survivors. And I figured it will help in the reading since it beats using MAN or THIN MAN or FAT MAN. There's a limit to how a writer can describe someone. lol.  But I could prob reduce the number.

I will respond to your notes later on. Gotta go somewhere right now.

Back to respond:

pg. 55 That's what Max's thinking. I know it's a no in screenwriting, but I think it adds more to the character. And I'm going to claim that as my writing style. :)

pg. 57 I wanted to portray spanglish. Half spanish and half english.

pg.74 One, the name tells you, the reader, the person's function.  Max named them as such so he can remember them. And, it alleviates the reader in trying to figure out who the person is.  lol.

Two, all the characters in the screenplay don't need to be developed. I think what's confusing you and, probably anyone who will read this, is the number of characters that have names since in screenwriting 101 main characters get names, while secondary or non important characters don't. These secondary or non important characters get descriptions like Fat Guy. I did do that in this screenplay with GUN WIELDER. However that type of description can only go on for so long.

Each character is important. But you gotta consider what the situation is in this screenplay. These characters are under control. Max gave them these names so he can remember them. And, these characters belong to Max, and he'll use them by any means.

I tried to differentiate the main ones and the non important ones by the screenplay time (who gets more time on screenplay) and descriptions ( I gave a bit more detail descriptions towards the main ones than the non important ones).

And three, even though these characters come into the scene at a certain points, they don't fully solve the character's problems. For example, when Max's crew chases Gaby in the streets. Time's power worked. However, Max's crew didn't expect Alexa. :)

pg.76. Ok.

pg.81 As hard as I try...Jesus!. Going to have to work on that.

Finally, Don't think I'm not going take this into consideration. I'm explaining my reasoning behind certain choices. I thought this shit through. lol.

Thanks for the review. Like I said before, let me know when you need something read. And as always, I'll take things into consideration, the good, the bad, and the medium. lol.

Gabe

I found this script to be too overly-written, Gabe. You really need to cut back on your descriptions:

Quoted Text

INT. ELENORE’S CAR - DAY

Alexa enters the back side, leaving the door open.

Sitting down, Alexa helps guide Gaby in, supine position.

Elenore enters driver side.

Rebeca sits passenger side.

Elenore starts the car.

could be better written as:

Quoted Text

INT. ELENORE’S CAR - DAY

Elenore starts the car as Rebecca, Gaby and Alexa climb in.

This script could really use a tightening up. Don't feel as if you must use individual paragraphs for each line of description.

The premiere of Gaby's powers should be more dramatic. You gave her powers a three second introduction and it fell flat for me.

Hope this helps.

Phil

Thanks Phil,

Any review, positive or negative, is helpful.

It's a battle for me when it comes to descriptions. lol. In that scene you chose, Gaby's recovering from fainting so I figured I needed to describe how they get in the car. But, I could've shorten it.

The quick premiere of Gaby's power was due to the situation she was in.  She needed to jet out of there quickly.

I'm coming up with ideas and jotting them down on how to improve this screenplay when I go back to rewrite this. It's always afterwards that you see your mistakes. Damn mistakes. lol.  Nevertheless I'm still happy with this.

Thanks again.

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

I think the premise of this could be a real winner, the story itself is well done but I think it needs to be re-worked with less characters and more emotion.

I did enjoy the script I hope the notes I sent are of some value.

Kind regards

Michael

Hey Gabe,

I’m at about page 30 right now. It’s a pretty fast read but I must say I was kinda stopped in my tracks at page 33. With STRONG (ALEXA), GABY (REBECA), MAGIC (O.S.), and all this happening in the action lines along with the dialog threw me off the story.

In fact I went back and read this page twice just to get it. There has to be a way to write that so it’s clearer to the reader.

I’ll try to get to some more tonight, but I can tell you, this is pretty good so far. You certainly have a unique voice and a lot of talent on display here my friend.

Take care buddy

Shawn…..><

Thanks.

Sorry Michael for not commenting on your post. Thanks for the read and notes. I'll get to reading your script soon. Glad you enjoyed it. That's the next thin on my list. Emotion. lol.

Hope you enjoy reading Shawn. Can't wait for your notes. The possessions is tricky. lol. I'm sticking with this for the time being but, I'm open to suggestions.

Thanks again.

Gabe

Hey Ripley, I read over the first 32 pages, and first thing's first -- I am not a professional screen writer so you can take or leave whatever you see in this post.  Just going to write my reactions down about how I felt according to these 32 pages.

First, I like that your descriptions aren't huge blocks and are pretty simple -- like one to two sentences.  It makes for a fast read.  However, I think you could spice it up a little bit and maybe expand your vocabulary some.  As some have stated before, you also do a bit of overwriting.  I think you get way too specific with some scenes and it can get a little distracting.

Two, Max's carnival slaves are very colorful and have some neat-o special powers.  I think they are definitely the strong point of this script.  Your other characters -- the family that is being pursued by these guys -- aren't so memorable.

Speaking of characters, you have a whole bucket load of them, and there's a whole bunch of stuff going on.  You could definitely benefit from cutting some of these characters out.

Thirdly, I really want to get into this.  I like some of the ideas, but I think it can be handled a whole lot differently.  This is your 2nd draft but I think I am going to stop reading this at page 32.  I'll wait for another re-write down the road after you get more critiques from other members.  I'm not really a big fan of reading a script and then re-reading another draft, and then another, etc.  So I'll stop early and wish you the best of luck with this, and will check it out again after it has a major overhaul.

Good luck.   :)

Thanks Reaper550 for your thoughts.

Quoted Text

First, I like that your descriptions aren't huge blocks and are pretty simple -- like one to two sentences. It makes for a fast read. However, I think you could spice it up a little bit and maybe expand your vocabulary some. As some have stated before, you also do a bit of overwriting. I think you get way too specific with some scenes and it can get a little distracting.

Thanks. I tried to keep it short and simple. Nevertheless, a few escape me at times. It happens to us all. lol.

Quoted Text

Two, Max's carnival slaves are very colorful and have some neat-o special powers. I think they are definitely the strong point of this script. Your other characters -- the family that is being pursued by these guys -- aren't so memorable.

Based off the 32 pgs, mind letting me know which ones you remember?

Sorry to hear that. I'll see what I can do to improve that.

Quoted Text

Speaking of characters, you have a whole bucket load of them, and there's a whole bunch of stuff going on. You could definitely benefit from cutting some of these characters out.

I'm thinking of eliminating some sub plots like Count's angle.

In terms of characters, I don't know. A lot of them you can forget about since they're there to help Max. They literally get one scene and that's it. The others get some screenplay time.

Quoted Text

Thirdly, I really want to get into this. I like some of the ideas, but I think it can be handled a whole lot differently. This is your 2nd draft but I think I am going to stop reading this at page 32. I'll wait for another re-write down the road after you get more critiques from other members. I'm not really a big fan of reading a script and then re-reading another draft, and then another, etc. So I'll stop early and wish you the best of luck with this, and will check it out again after it has a major overhaul.

No problem. Also, this is not the 2nd draft...try 5th or 6th lol. I don't believe in drafts anymore only final draft which happens when someone buys this lol.

Let me know if you would like me to read something of yours.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley

Based off the 32 pgs, mind letting me know which ones you remember?

Firestarter was pretty cool, with a cool name to boot.

Shapeshifter and how he can alter his bodily appearance.

Also, Unseen -- I like how you can touch him and become invisible too.

Now that I think about it, Max wasn't all that engaging and he's supposed to be the head honcho.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley

Let me know if you would like me to read something of yours.

Gabe

LOL You don't want to read anything of mine.

My scripts are filled with drugs, sex, violence, and foul language. :P

Anyone who read the first 10 of Ricky Boost wasn't a big fan of the latter.

Maybe, though, maybe....I'm almost done something now.

I'll see what happens.

Thanks.

I'll read anything especially from people who review and participate on the board. :) You read two of my scripts. I at least gotta read one of yours lol.

I would have to disagree with you. Max is involved. Even though he may not be present in the scenes, he still contacts his workers to find out there progress and he does send them over there.

Gabe

Hello Gabe,

First off, I want to acknowledge that the following comments are not positive. I like to start off with a positive. You do have some lovely named characters. Think about playing them up in unique situations and don't try and introduce them all at once.

Pg 1 - I question the sound of the cannon opening the scene over black. We’re talking about film being a visual medium; so why not begin with something extremely visual. Especially, since our subject matter is in the form of a circus/carnival there seems to be a wide variety of choice there in establishing tone. Music, flags blowing in the wind, guys on stilts, snake charmers...

I’m having trouble visualizing the speck and “from afar”. Are we looking at a clear blue sky? Do we hear carnival music?

What’s a gold-t?

So, is Max breaking the 4th wall when he speaks to us? It doesn’t feel right. We know nothing of him yet and yet he’s talking to us like old buddies. Makes me uncomfortable. Like somebody coming up to you on the street and all of a sudden being buddy-buddy.

What I’m feeling as Max says, “Never know what to expect” is that it’s just a concealed attempt at what amounts to voice over. Nothing wrong with voice over, but it needs to pack a punch and I think it’s mostly used to really get into the meat of things without having a lot of time wasted. So far, Max isn’t delivering in this respect and, since he’s obviously our protag, it’s a weak start.

What’s a stinky face? I think the term can work if we see it drawn up into a scene where there is no doubt what it means first of all. Like:

Firestarter takes a swig of beer and lets out an obnoxious burp. Smiley makes a stinky face, scrunching his eyes and cheeks... From there on, he could repeat the action and we'd know exactly. Even, he might be prone to having a quirk where this is what he does, in many situations, obnoxious or not. We'd begin to expect it. Could be used as a device of some kind.

Now, let me say that so far I feel like Max is just dictating to me and it’s like so and so does this, so and so does that. What have we really got so far?

Pg 2 - Why does Max examine his fingernails?

I don’t know why Smiley glances then ducks. I feel like we should have a sound effect or something. Something that leads up to Smiley’s ducking. Like: Suddenly, Smiley’s eyes widen with shock. He says something like: “It’s—“ In slow mo, a large flying knife pierces the air, its edge catching a glint of sunlight..

Max catches it, ending Smiley's sentence.

Max
Here.

He easily catches it and uses its sharp end to clean his fingernail.

I don’t know. It’s just a stab at it. ☺ But liven this up. Readers want to be entertained. We’re reading for story, not just description or play by play action.

Max says, “But that’s for later.” What’s for later?

Max says, “You have a show to enjoy now.

Look at the next line where it says: We follow him now. Two “nows”. Redundant and boring. There’s a lot of following going on.

How are Daniel and Elenore related?

Pg 4 Ok, I see they’re husband and wife. Why then does Daniel say, (pg 3) How about I take our daughters back to YOUR house once we’re through? Oh, they're divorced. I kind of guessed, but it's not clear enough.

I don’t know what’s going on with the UH OH. What do they see? And why is she so freaked out about them leaving their side? They’re not four year olds.

Whoever this Elenore is, I sure don’t like her. She should say, “Were,” instead of “Was”.

Why are Gaby and Alexa talking O.S.? I don't think it's necessary. They're going to have their own ideas about how they film anyways. Why clutter the read for no reason? Anyways, I think their faces would be important in that scene. Watching, angry, sad, or indifferent as their parents argue.

Pg 5 -  So far there’s nothing drawing me into want to pursue reading this. Daniel strikes me as really weak and I feel more inclined not to want to see more of this.

>Several acts take place.

That is so very weak that I think, if readers haven’t stopped reading at this point, it would be a wonder.

I’m going to try and carry forward a bit more.

Ok, I’m not. I notice now that you have three more characters being introduced. Strong, Magic, and Shapeshifter. We have enough characters already. We are five pages in and there’s no story beyond a weak dude being beaten down by some idiot broad. He deserves it for marrying her in the first place.

I’ve turned to pg 6

When I read: Gaby and Alexa are in awe. I really have to wonder why. Yes, some of the stuff they see might be cool and interesting, but I personally haven’t been awed by anything and when Max says, “How are you enjoying my carnival?” I’m thinking, “Not at all.”

Gabe, I’m going to stop here. You know one of the things this script is lacking is conflict. We have some with Daniel and his wife, but it’s really forced and doesn’t feel real to me.

There really is no point in introducing all of these wonderfully named carnival characters without putting them in some kind of circumstances that give us “something”.  We should be asking ourselves questions. Who is that dude? What is he doing? (Like maybe someone’s sneaking around) What’s they’re motive? Are they telling the truth?

I would like to be more positive, but the best service I can do here is to be honest and say that this needs a new approach.

If you want to have Max talking to the camera, then maybe show him as someone trying to drum up business, (say for instance) where they're doing an infomercial type thing. So when he's talking to the camera, he's got motive. He's trying to show how "great" everything is. Now, if things DON'T appear too great to us, then there's a strong story in place already. We begin to have sympathy for these carnies whose livelihood is in jeopardy.

Then, you could purposely write in LACK OF AWE with Daniel's kids. Everything is just ho-hum. They need SOMETHING to bring people back.

I really hope this helps.  :)

Sandra

Sandra touched on a point I see as well and think I mentioned in my first post here.

There are just too many members.

I think of a script as a PIE in terms of characters.

If you have 20 little slices handed out to characters, there is no one really standing out.

Instead, give two, maybe 3 characters the lion’s share of the pie and the rest can be spread out to the secondary players.

Cut these characters in half and combine the qualities each of them. Then you have fewer, stronger characters with more punch.

After all, look at HANCOCK, the movie. He was one guy, with several powers.

In fact, run a report with your writing software. It may surprise you when you do. The first time I did, I thought my main players had MUCH more of the script then they really did once I saw it on a report.

Take care man.

Shawn…..><

Hey Sandra and Shawn

Apologize for not getting back, been extremely busy. I would get back to answer your reviews and comments. Thanks again and let me know if you want something read.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley

Hey Sandra and Shawn

Apologize for not getting back bit extremely busy. I would get back to answer your reviews and comments. Thanks again and let me know if you want something read.

Gabe

No problem, Gabe. And remember, the fact that you're working so hard on this is huge. In further reads, when I see things that strike me, I'll be sure to let you know.

As I said, try putting the characters "up against" each other. I don't necessarily mean in battle small or battle royal manner, but in ways that will juxtapose, ways that will bring attention to their individual qualities without having to write it in dialogue or create forced scenes.

Right now I'm thinking of a simple example of something I'm familiar with: Grocery shopping. Some people just chuck things in their cart. They don't "place" things in their cart. That says a lot without saying anything, especially if they're not in a hurry and don't need to be careless.

I'll try and keep my attention out for some good examples in movies "when" I watch, which isn't very often. Sad, I know. I'm just not a very sit down kind of person which makes screenwriting a very tough challenge for me. ;D

Talk soon,

Sandra

Sandra!!!!!! We miss you!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Where you been, girl?

Sorry, Gabe...

Back to reply to comments

Note: In no way I'm disregarding your reviews. I'm just explaining why I did certain things. I will come back to this and revise just not now. lol. Taking a break from this script so I can come back and revise.

Hey Sandra

Thanks for the read. Sorry you didn't like it but I'll gladly take a negative crit than no crit at all. :)

The first five was to establish the world where Daniel, Ellenore, Gaby and Alexa are going to be thrust into. A world where people have superpowers. It also establishes Max as the main protagonist. This is his story. Gaby is his antagonist.

I usually think of budget when I write or rewrite. For instance, when Max speaks, it's to the carnival attendees. However, I didn't want to show a huge crowd of people present, since that would involve getting extras, so I decided to make it as if Max is breaking the 4th wall. I figured that the movie goers are also the carnival attendees. :) Two birds, one stone.

In regards to descriptions, there are parts where I can improve on and others that I feel is fine. For instance, the stinky face with firestarter. I was thinking of bad breathe. lol. People can and have bad breathe. :)

Hey Shawn

The same as Sandra in regards to thanks for the crit lol.

In regards to the characters, there are certain characters that stay in the script. Gaby, Magic, Alexa, etc.

The secondary characters enter one scene and disappear like Tech, Time, Hunter, etc. What I think is confusing the people is that I gave them names and a bit of description making it appear to the reader that they're important. I explain it in the script through Rebecca.

Nevertheless, I'll see what I can do.

Jeff

No prob.

Gabe

Quoted from Dreamscale

Sandra!!!!!! We miss you!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Where you been, girl?

Sorry, Gabe...

I've been here quietly in the background. I'm still working on the craft as time permits, but I'm not pushing it. Premature babies can do well, but they also can suffer a lot if not given the appropriate care and time (since they're coming in early).

Gabe's script, Max's Traveling Carnival might be a good example of that as was Thief in my recollection. I can't speak for everyone, but for me, in regards to that script experience, I had the ideas (my ideas) in "my head", but they never really transferred to the page. This is a major hurdle for writers to get through.

Pia made a comment in this thread about screenwriting gurus and their advice about taping the main objective/premise/theme in front of you when writing so you don't wander off track. I've learned this too, even though I can't yet apply it. It's solid advice. My point here would be: Even if you DO change your "track" you/me do need to be aware of it (eventually) on a conscious level-- because, if we can, it will make all the difference in what falls and stays on the page. We (hopefully) will be able to recognize quite quickly where we're straying off track and correct ourselves without having to rely on our generous readers.

The whole reason I didn't finish the last 6WC + was because I had too much material, change in tone issues, lots of ideas, but not enough focus for an hour and a half and certainly no where the skill to pull it off. I decided that I would squirrel away my material, continue to make notes and see what happens in time. I wasn't interested in being like the artist that splats paint on the wall. I'm a lady that knows how to do some basic crochet and play with chain in an appealing way. It takes time, I know, as does screenwriting. If I was ready, it would be there.

Anyways, this is Gabe's thread and I will continue to offer my opinions. So far I think that there is a whole lot more than what is showing up on the pages I've seen.

I'm guessing that (as I have done too) Gabe has a real "vision" of them in his mind. Now, we need to figure out what that vision "is" and try and work together to help get that transferred across into everyone's brains and hearts.

I put these questions forward as a newcomer:

Max is the protag. What is his goal? What is his greatest fear? What carnie does he hate the most? Who would he like to see dead? What is his religion or does he have a religion? Does he eat chocolate? Does he drink beer or does he prefer a strong drink? When is his birthday? Are his parent's still alive? What is his favorite "act"? Is he afraid of sex? Is he over occupied with sex? Would he ever smash Daniel's stupid wife in the head with one of those flame-throwers? Does he by chance live in a little sawdust hole at the back of one of the tents? (That would be cool!) If you make him do that, could you throw me ten dollars for suggesting it? :) ...

...These are the kinds of questions that writers need to ask themselves when writing their story. You get my drift. In the end, the questions will help us to write what people want to read. :K)

Sandra

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