Christmas Shoes Blues by Will Ball (albinopenguin) - Short -  A young boy exemplifies the true meaning of Christmas by purchasing shoes for his dying mother. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Will, I'm really not sure what to say. You have some bold stuff here, no doubt. I can admire the creative originality. And you delivered a punch line.

I'd day more, but I gotta go looking for little Kev!

Hmm, logline is a little deceptive... least a little disingenous, seeing as it reads as a 'straight' story.

And, as for your 'script' it feels like you just threw this together for effect. And what is it? A drawn out skit? Or were you going for a comic/religous satire/commentary? I dunno. Cause really you've a lot of mixed messages in here that just don't add up to a lot in terms of entertainment to me.

You had me at the start, I was interested to know where it was going but then following on from the description i.e. he looks a bit like Rob Lowe - or words to that effect, I thought... wha'? Lazy writing at the very least.

I just feel if you're trying for a 'shock and awe' comedy/hybrid, you should go the whole hog. As it is, it reads (imho) as if it doesn't quite know what category it's meant to fall into, as though you just kinda let your mind wander all over the place and amused yourself.

I suppose some might take offence to certain 'elements' of your story (maybe this will get you more reads) but to tell you the truth I thought it lacking in a little imagination and creativity. All jmo.

Will, just thought I'd add (in the interests of constructive crit.) you demonstrate capable writing - few issues with slugs, and you should delete those cont'ds but no glaring typos or punct probs. This one just didn't do it for me.

What to say???

It's a cartoon, really - something along the lines of the Regular Show - bit madcap - a bit childish - sometimes funny, sometimes not.

Writing's okay, the imagination is good, if not a little warped - and yeah it looks like it's designed in part to offend.

Not much else to say, really.

Hey Will,

I’m not religious so let me start by saying that I found the heaven scenes funny but I have to be honest and say I’m not sure what to make of this as a piece?

It puzzled me, made me think and maybe I need another read. It felt like a skit/comedy short like Libby (LC) stated but also a bit of drama mixed in, I can see this offending certain people.

There were some issues for me personally in the writing technically, especially in the first 6 to 7 pages.

One scene read like you had the characters mixed up between Nathan and Joe when they talk about the Jesus game?

This was out there, not too sure what to make of it. I had a few giggles but don’t know if I enjoyed it or not. Unlike Libby, I’ll give you an A star for Imagination though, it takes a wicked mind to think up a peculiar tale like this.

Good, bad...not too sure about this. I’m thinking. :-/

Cheers :)

Steve     

hey everyone,

first and foremost, you all are super crazy awesome. thanks so much for the reads. i will respond to you all individually, but first there's a bit of a back story here.

this is a sketch by all means. in fact, you may or may not know the song it's based on. for those of you who are unfamiliar with it, you'll need to hear it before understanding this sketch. check it out. it might just be the worst song ever written.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0a_Y1wAJ2MU

it was Christmas time, i was feeling a bit pessimistic, and i wanted to s hit all over this song. i wanted to stoop as low as possible for this one...on purpose.

i'll respond to everyone shortly (once i have a little more time). in the mean time, thank you thank you thank you. and feel free to let me know what works for you and what doesn't.

thanks!

Quoted from albinopenguin http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0a_Y1wAJ2MU

Just watched this. Wow, painful. Wtf is he getting mom shoes for? Doesn't look like she can walk, get her a morphine drip.

AS far as you script, I would've enjoyed it more had I seen this first. You shoulda tried to snag the an earlier post and slap that video up there stating what you're trying to accomplish, first.

That said, this is pretty funny. Glad to see you're not afraid to... "go there".

On the other hand, this script is a mess. You've got characters saying the other character's lines more than once. Typos galore. Can't believe you wrote this at Christmas time and just posted it now. You've had three months to review it. This should've been a much cleaner read.

Good luck finding someone with the balls to films this, but, if you do, I'd surely tune in...

James

Alright, so I have a revised copy but new submissions are closed until March 5. I'll upload it as soon as i can. Thanks for the heads up everyone! I have a bad habit of confusing characters and not catching it (even while editing). Also, I started this around Xmas and sat on it for a while. I came back to it every so often when I got tired of working on my feature.

thanks again and I'll respond to everyone asap.

Hey Will,

I see you've got a new draft up...
I missed the last one.

So, I'll read the new incarnation with fresh eyes...

P. 5
Where's Baby Jesus. LOL!
That's bad... in the good way.

P. 9
Seems odd that Nathan knew it was that cop's ride.

P. 9
I didn't know Saint Peter was a sailor. :P

And the punchline... right in the eye, LOL. Cute.

Whatever bumps there were in the first read seem to have been smoothed.
It's a cute story though some cop/hobo fight intercuts would've been nice.
This is a pretty decent read, though I was waiting for a shoe comeback.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Will,

I see what you've done here, how you twisted the song around to create a new story that was down on Christmas.

While it was creative and there were some things that I liked here, there were other parts of the script that I thought were a little bit too offensive to be funny.

To each his own though.

All the best,
Cindy

Awesome!

I especially liked the scene in the shoe store.  I LOL'ed out loud several times.  The rest of the script had its moments but the beginning was the best because it had the song to play off of.  

It's nice to see writers throw any kind of political correctness out the window and not worry about who they're going to offend.

Well done.

I hope you feel pessimistic more often.

hey everyone!

so my SINCEREST apologies for the delay. I was waiting for the rewrite to go up before ressurecting this thread. plus i've been super busy at work and therefore haven't had the time to post as often as i'd like. but i'm back for good now. plus the rewrite went up a few days ago. so a few comments to everyone....

Leitskev - really appreciate the read. tried to be as bold as possible. hope you found little kev!

LC - totally understandable. i'm assuming you've never heard the song (which is actually the case for most people). even if you did, i totally respect the feedback and really appreciate the read. and thanks for pointing out my formatting errors. damn celtx adds those irritating "cont'ds." trying to figure out how to disable that feature...

SiColl007 - haha yep, this one was totally intended to offend. i tried to sink as low as possible. and yeah, i could see how some bits work, and others not so much. thanks for the read!

Coop - definitely taking your "wicked mind" comment as a compliment haha definitely check out the song if you haven't already. and thanks for the heads up about the whole name switching thing. everything should be corrected now...hopefully

jwent- oh yea, its bad haha i shouldn't say that i sat on this since Xmas. I started working on it around then, dropped it to start working on a feature, and then picked it back up weeks later. once again, the mistakes should be corrected. not sure if this would translate well onto screen. and if it was filmed, i'm not so sure I'd want to see it haha

ED - haha thanks man, glad you enjoyed it. nice to know i worked out all the kinks out in the second draft. right in the eye? come on dude, that's just gross haha thanks for the suggestions as well. I'll be sure to keep them in mind. totally agree about the cop's ride. just trying to think of something better to fit in there....

Cindy - thanks so much for read! while i'm usually not this offensive, i just wanted to write a script without any limitations whatsoever. seemed appropriate given the song. regardless, i can totally see where you're coming from and i hope you enjoy my script a bit more

Nomad - haha yeah i really wanted to stick to the song in the first scene. in fact, i tried to keep Nathan's dialogue consistent with the song (although I had to go off track a little bit). i hope i feel more pessimistic more often as well haha

to everyone, thank you, thank you, thank you! i REALLY appreciate all of the reads and I hope to return the favor in the near future. I'm back and ready to read!

I thought this was well written, very well written. The heaven scene reminded of south park for some reason. Just seems like something they would do. Anyway, this was good, didn't once have to force my way through it. Great job, very entertaining.

Hey Will,

I will have to disagree....with most, (post edit - actually looking back kost enjoyed as well) for I thought this was good stuff.

It was offensive, dark but at the same time illuminating and in an over exaggerated way, a reflection of what happens, or can happen.

Also, and I think this is over looked, I found it consistent. Something I wrestle with and I think others do as well, is keep the same style through a script, especially humour, light or dark. This was clearly satirically dark from the outset, no change.

I could easily see this on UK TV, late one dark night as a sketch. I could also see a moderated version as a monty python takeoff.

Any comments?

Well, if you really want to be consistent and have the audience see this as a third party experience from the boy, maybe avoid the problem he faces directly, so that he OBSERVES the world in this way.

I liked.

POST EDIT - had a think over night. The scene witH the mother in the trailer perhaps lacks something.  I wonder whether she could be alive, but has pretended to be dead so to get the boy away. In affect she is a hypocrite like the rest, which gives a purity of the world being bad old place to the boy. Just a thought.

13th - I love south park so i consider that the highest of compliments. thank you for the read!

Reef - i like the suggestion! and i agree, the trailer scene could use some spicing up. not a bad idea at all. and thanks for the compliments! glad i could stay consistently dark.

thank you all! let me know if and when i can return the read. my apologies for my sporadic postings. work has been a real b itch and i've been devoting what little time i have to my feature.

Will, what can I say...pretty weird imagination you got lol.

I was expecting a heart warming tale of Nathan getting his hands on the shoes but instead it took a turn towards offensive black comedy and you know what, I kinda liked it.

I think some will find it too offensive but it doesn't come across as taking itself seriously so I think you get away with it.  I mean you've got necrophilia, pedophilia and racism in one little script...you've got balls, and worst you end with a pedo Jesus! lol

You need a brave producer...

Enjoyed this though.

I'm know I'm digging up something that hasn't had replies in a while, but I saw it in a signature and decided to give it a read.... (and I did not read the other comments made, so forgive me if I re-hash other criticisms!)


Formatting nitpicks:

1. You don't need "ESTABLISHING" in a slug. Just describe the visual in an expansive way.

2. Page 3: Marty's long block of dialogue should be broken up by gestures and Nathan's reactions.

3. Page 10: Jesus' line, "Dad almighty Saint Peter. Seriously?" You need a period or comma in there somewhere for the line to read correctly.

4. Overall, re-visit the puncuation (periods and commas). They are often needed, but missing.


Story criticism:

I get the vibe you're going for here. I like Nathan. But aside from trying to buy the shoes, he doesn't do anything. Things happen. Messed up, darkly hilarious things happen. But story does not happen.

The whole short comes off as a 12-page telling of the Aristocrats joke or something. (How weird/gross/twisted can it be?) And don't get me wrong, it's mostly successful in that! it's just not successful as a story.

But if you're going for a joke/sketch with a big punchline, then fix the above nitpicks, and you're good.

IMHO

Hey,
Way to take that video and run with it to some truly dark, disturbing places. I had never seen the video for that awful song so thanks for that.
Someone else had mentioned that this reminded them of South Park and I definitely agree. Your take on the big old J.C. was far more perverted than the South Park guys, congrats on that.
The only thing I felt this was missing was a reference to the morphine/whatever the mom had in the original video. Thought you'd have the perfect opportunity to have the mom hooked up to an IV stand by the couch when Nathan walks in on her and Nick. It could make that scene even more disturbing.
Anyway, good luck with this,
Nate

Holy crap.  Nearly didn't read this one because of the logline, but I'm glad I did.  Pretty horribly offensive and, well... hilarious.

my sincerest apologies to the admins for bumping this thread. however i feel like i owe these readers a response.

and my apologies for being gone for so long. i'm writing a feature. i was aiming for 80 pages and now i'm easily going to hit 120 pages. sucks big time. then again, it's easier to delete than to add.

alffy- many thanks for the read. i highly doubt ANYONE will produce this. but i'm okay with that. it was a blast to write.

killacozzy- i also appreciate the read. going to have to disagree with the establishing bit, but everything else makes a lot of sense. not sure if you saw the other comments (actually i know you didnt because you said so), but this is a parody of the song. check it out. i think you'll have a good laugh.

nastynate- great suggestion! i will encorporate the drip if and when i rewrite the script. thanks so much for the read.

asteroidjuice - glad i could offend you...and make you laugh haha thanks for checking my s hit out.

Will

Ridiculous, Irreverent, crass, racist, mean spirited and nasty but boy it had me laughing.

I think all I’ve read from you so far have been very short skits of 2 to 3 pages so I know you have a sense of humour but was unsure of you putting together something with a coherent storyline of a reasonable length.

This starts off kind of sweet and pitiful, having not read any comments I thought it was going in that direction, a sad Christmas story with perhaps or perhaps not an uplifting ending…how wrong was I!

From the less than sympathetic (though completely understandable) responses of the Marty and the Jewish jibe I sensed my preconceptions were wrong. The sharp, toilet-humoured, comedic tone which explodes in the remaining pages is only finding a foothold here.

ROBERT (40’s) who is next in line and resembles Rob
Lowe.

-- An amusing aside, made me laugh.

There is a stark tonal change between the shoe shop sequence and the proceeding “altercation” with hobo Joe but from then on it flies headlong into what it really is. Things really go from bad to worse for poor little Nathan until he’s sent to heaven…and even there his woes continue to the final line and whose knows how long after.

Some could accuse this has written purely for shock value, each vignette more horrible then the next, the reader seemingly hell bent on creating harrowing scenarios, pushing the envelope without any focus and I would go along with to a certain degree but like I said at the beginning, I laughed despite myself.
I liked how you tied the shoes back in at the end regarding Maggie admittance to heaven and Jesus’ final words, a nasty but memorable punch line. Not only will innocent Nathan’s failure to acquire the shoes result in him spending eternity without his mother (the only other seemingly decent person in the piece) but he’s also destined to be part of our sick lord’s celestial sex games. Poor chap never got a break.

Anyway, this was sick, morally reprehensible and twisted but I enjoyed it.

Col.