Dry Spell - OWC - Print Topic

This is good writing. ;D

I can see this being made into a feature. I really liked the opening pages.
It would be an entertaining read and would be something that I would go and see.

Congrats on the OWC

Oh, and let me know if you do go ahead and write a feature. This would be something that I would like to read.

Cindy

An entertaining read. I was disappointed to reach the end of page ten. Sure it’s a talker but I was teased/learned a lot about the characters and the premise of the story.

There are things I would suggest but I think this is an intriguing first ten for a comedy. I say work on the next ten rather than spend time on revising the first ten.

Gary

I liked it. It was an entertaining read and had its funny moments for sure.

Clearly written by someone from the UK (or maybe not, hmmm).

The jibes about wheres shes from might go over some of us Yanks heads. But I got it.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

HGW

The dialogue needs work, it's campy and felt like a b-movie in places, especially where the characters seem to speak for no reason like saying what they've been turned into.

Wonderful descriptions and characterization, it's a very engaging read. I love the page 10 twist, didn't see that coming. I don't know if there's a feature here, it feels like a one-act play or a short right now, but it has potential.

Great entry, good job!

Is it wrong to say that the beginning of this looke like it was written by a girl?

# I ne__
-- Shouldn't be an underscore.

# He eyes blaze.
-- I think should be her eyes...?

# His voice emanates from the excrement. Lol!

And some other genuinely funny bits here and there.

Really wouldn't bother trying to go for a feature with this thought - it's got it's limits.

Pretty sure it was written by a bloke by the time I got to the end of it...

Funny stuff here. Definitely not American humor, but funny all the same. Does all the humor work? No, but there's lots of funny shit.

Love how it ends on "Fuck.". Is it worthy of a feature? I don't know, possibly, but the downside is that it seems rather obvious where it's gonna go and how it's gonna get there.

Good effort here.

Ok, you got me! This one really did make me laugh, several times actually. A fun story. Not a lot to say. I had no major problems with the writing. Very easy to read. Kept me entertained. The witches anger and frustration helped with that. Conflict rules in scenes, right?

You should give a little better description of Reg. I couldn't tell at the beginning whether boy or girl. Reg must be short for Reggie, but could be Regina.

from script: He FARTS, quietly but it lasts awhile.

Man, I never thought I'd see that in a script! Cheers!

I liked this one.

Easily can and should be completed into a feature.

Most of the humor hits home which is not easy at all. Whoever wrote this has a good feel for what a reader wants and delivers.

Great job. I'm looking forward to seeing this when it is done.

Shawn.....><

This was another good one. The comedy was mostly on for me even without me being from the UK, and I like both Reg and Olivia as characters. I can see why people think this might not be able to hold a feature - Olivia's quest is a little strange in that it feels kinda manufactured but I can over look that as this is supposed to be a comedy. That said, I could see filling this out to a feature pretty easily.

Congratulations on submitting!
:Duan

This isn't a Brit! This is a non-Brit writing a Brit script. I'm predicting an Aussie. I could of course be (and probably am) wrong, but it didn't have UK authenticity to me. Not that it matters, but it's fun trying to guess. We don't have bars on the holding cells here in the UK. It's more a door like the ones that hold Sarah Connor in T2.

Not a lot to say, really. Comedy is very subjective, and this just didn't do it for me.

I'm sitting here wondering why Andrew is so knowledgeable about the holding cells in the UK. ;-)

The script was fun. It gave me a good idea of where it was headed.  I would have to agree that it was not written by a Brit.

I thought the talking turd and toads gave it a bit of a whimsical nature- which actually I do think of as a British quality.

I didn't really like the change in language for the witch.  However, I can also understand why you might want to head in that direction.  You can only do that Norwich joke some many times and then it's going to get old.

I also thought some of the dialogue was a wee bit on the nose and that there needs to be a bit more subtext here.  You can still have subtext in a comedy, even a broad one like this.

Your logline needs a lot of work though.  If I wasn't able to tell where this was going from your script, your logline would be of no help at all.   Why is she sent to modern day London.  What is her goal?  What are her obstacles?  Where is the irony?

A lot of fun scenes and visuals.

There were a couple scenes that I thought you could have milked into funnier visuals.
First, when the two constables are toads, and fighting over the roach, maybe they could
reappear as humans.  Each guy with a half roach in his mouth.

The other scene was when Reg acknowledges that he knows Byron Talbot.
You have Reg wince, and then say: Yeah, I know him. Instead of telling us,
Cut to a scene of Byron, doing his thing.
This would be a good way to introduce Byron's character. Pushing the story forward.

Watch the its "it's" thing.

Why did it take so long for the constables to check out Reg's cell? Did they not hear Olivia's voice?
Distinctly female?  Maybe I missed something.

Anyway, a fun read with the potential to go further depending on how you want to handle the
Byron character.  And once he is introduced, what happens to Reg?

Nice job.

Quoted from Michael

I'm sitting here wondering why Andrew is so knowledgeable about the holding cells in the UK. ;)

Title - quite like this, conjures up suggestions of something having to change because they are going through "a dry spell" etc - also the spell with witch combines nicely, so, good title.

Logline - Sorry this doesn't work for me, more of a tag line and suggests very little about the story. its meant to sell your script and it just doesn't.

Story - i'm mixed on this. First off i like the humour and enjoyed the read, very much my style. If i had to guess i would still go for Brit or one that has left, rather than a non brit.

However, it doesn't strike me as feature. A good short, maybe an episode, but a feature? First off we have little to go on about the protagonist which i assume to be Reg. Actaully, is it the witch? If Reg, he seems actually quite comfortable in his own skin so what character arc do we envisage? How do we see the story for him, don't know.

A feature "could" see him the night before, see whats happens, see what insecurities arise and then kick off in the cell, with us knowing more about him and what he may have to go through.

So, i like the writing, i like the humour, but have reservations on this as a feature, as currently written (and sort out the logline!!)

all the best.

*Spoilers*

I actually really enjoyed this one. As a Yank, alot of it did go over my head. What's the rivalry and such going on between Liverpool and Norwich? (Though despite not getting the actual subtlties of it, the way that the joke became a reoccuring theme really worked for me.)

Oliva's 'translated speech' really was cute. And the twist? Very nice. I could see this working...maybe not as a feature - you'd have to stretch it out just too far - but definitely an extended short.

Cheers!

--J

Well, perfect script for a Sunday afternoon beer buz. Actually had to stop midway and use the loo so as I didn't piss myself.

Dug Reg's character and his ignorance towards the powerful witch in his cell. Olivia eating the rotten onion to bring her lingo down to current standards was innovative.

Why does this need to take place in the very near future? June 2012?

This is more of a short than an opening to a feature. Again, the rules of this OWC became very hazy to say the least. You basically set this up for what was a final punch line. I get it, but found the character interactions to be the prize of this script.

Characters that could be built upon IMO. Actually could see this as a kind of adult, animated film. Would be easier on all the special effects that are needed.

Good job, here...

James

I can understand why other people liked this script, but the comedy's not for me. It's good at the type of comedy it's trying for and I did enjoy the last page.

Notes:

Not many because there were several missing commas and hyphens and things like that. The only real spelling error I noticed was at the bottom of page 6 where you mistook "too" for "to".

Good luck and good job entering the OWC.

Tee hee :) When I read the title, I knew I was headed for comedy.

I think you absolutely succeeded in creating a funny short for this challenge. I'm not sure if there's enough here though to be "the hook" of a feature. For that I think you need a little bit more. Besides that, no real complaints. This was a very fine job. :)

Sandra

I kinda like this. It's not going to win anything for originality but the comedy was good.

I agree with Andrew that this might not have been written by a Brit but I could be wrong too.

Not sure how much more story could be squeezed out of it, maybe a longer short but not sure it would make a feature unless the story expanded and Olivia had a hell of a time 'converting' Byron, although I guess she could change herself into a man and do the deed.

Good work.

Ahahaha. You got me.

Nice change of pace.

Nice job :)

Greg

Well I think this might be the funniest I’ll read from the lot, especially as I’ve only a few more to read. I liked the writing, not much to complain about there so good job.

This has some funny stuff in it, the fart scene(the second I’ve come across in the OWC) was great and Reg turning into a turd was pure comedy gold but does it have the legs for a feature...I have my doubts.

I wish you all the luck with it though because I for one want to see what happens with this mismatched twosome and their adventure.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

Good on ya for weighing in on the OWC.

P. 1
The opening line reads passive.
Starting with a crisp action would be better.

P. 1
A new SLUG for the cell would help clarify things.

P. 2
Typo.
Olivia bristles. He eyes blaze.

P. 3
So I guess the cops can’t hear Olivia?

P. 3
Using an underscore in the dialogue as a break looks odd to me.

P. 6
Seems weird Reg would sign on to the quest so easily...
Perhaps bargaining with Olivia for freedom would be more, logical?

P. 9
The frog gag feels a little long in the tongue for my tastes.

Finished.
It’s loopy and doesn’t make much sense, but its briskly paced.
Though honestly, I don’t see Olivia’s need for Reg.
She can get herself out and around.
The back and forth would play better if Olivia needed Reg.

The big negative here for me is the abundance of exposition.
The plot is all talk. And that’s a hard sell.
Get visual on the page, show us some backstory.

Regards,
E.D.

This is a funny one:) I agree that the dialogue needs work (it felt a bit forced IMO), and I think you could spend less time with the toad PCs and get on with the story (ie Olivia and Reg).

Good job!

The logline was very bland for me, kind of turned me off reading the script....

But I`m glad I did.
I really enjoyed this, loved the old cockney talk... I know a lot of Americans won`t get it, you kinda have to leave there or watch a lot of Only fools and horses :)
Needed to be more descriptive with your characters, REG only had an age.
"The witchy force is strong with
you, Obi-wan." LOL
Page 2 He eyes... Instead of his eyes
I think you should have left the cops with.. The toads sit side by side.... They are no longer needed in the script and would give you more room to concentrate on Reg and Witch

I`m guessing this is a short.

Overall I enjoyed it
and good job on finishing an OWC

Mark

I like the title.

I thought this one was funny in places. Not a whole lot was going on though for most of it. A lot of talking in a police cell. It did end on a funny note though and thanks to that, I probably would want to know how Olivia is going to solve her problem and I also would want to know how the world will be saved by her sleeping with Byron.

Page 1. I find it a little weird that he doesn't wonder where she comes from. I know he asked her where she was from, but he doesn't seem to wonder how come she is in his cell.

Page 2. An unseen force permeates the cell. How do we see this?

Page 3. I don't like Reggie at all, but I admit that there were a couple of funny things on this page. So good job on that.

Page 4. Maybe you have to be from the UK to get the jokes about Liverpool, Norwich and Manchester.

A rank stench fills the cell... How will we see this?

Page 5. Can't say I'm crazy About the Way, Olivia speaks. However, it is pretty funny.

This is mine, which some people have suspected already.

Cornie gave me the initial idea for this and I ran with it - wrote it in 2 days!!

Then old mate Ryan read it and suggested Olivia should be a tougher bitch witch (she was all timid in the original). So I went back to it!  Panicked a bit as it became a chore trying to do the Middle Ages language, which is why I iintro'ed the language spell!!

Anyway thnaks to Ryan it came out much better and funnier.  I had hints of other characters that would be in it later on - this is a feature not a short - but page space made me cut some things.

Thanks to all who reviewed it! If I didn't comment on your script, let me know. I did on most but got witched out after a week. Some I read but didn't comment on.

if anyone wants to run with this and turn it into a feature, then GO FOR IT!!  i don't have time and it will just fade away quietly.

Cheers stevie

Quoted from stevie

stevie, I really liked it, and I usually shut down when fecal humor comes into play. The banter in your dialog is terrific. The concept is excellent, and the joke about his friend batting from the other side of the plate has to be one of the funniest lines I've ever heard! Did you make that up on the spot, or is it a common phrase to you?