Red Devil, Blue Sea by Darren J Seeley - Short, Drama - While exploring a sunken ship, three people discover that their mini-sub could share a similar fate. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey darren,

nice piece here man. very entertianing. easy read. i was into it the whole way.... the ship reveal at the end is nice touch.

good stuff.

Thanks. This is actually a rewrite of a short I did that I entered on the Jan/Feb SpriptX challenge over at DVX Fest. ('Trapped' theme.) I almost considered having both versions up here, but why subject folks to a cricket-chirper of a previous draft?

BTW, this short is something I *might* consider to expand to a 7wk challenge. I can guarantee that a 7wk challenge for me won't be the recent OWC.

Oh, and in case anyone is interested, the new ScriptFest at DVX user is on.

Title and logline are bad-ass.

Cracked this one open, but was left dissatisfied.

All set-up and no resolution.  The final dialogue exchange was lost on me.

Parts of this I really liked.  Some of the description was nice and alive (almonds like jumping beans), but much of it was too choppy for its own good.

I read lots of scripts like that now, it seems -- people writing with this staccato rhythm that reads fast, but take it too far and the lack of detail just ends up confusing.  It's a fine line, and frankly, you move into confusing territory a few times in this one.

My advice would be to stop trying so hard to chop words out and let your narrative breathe a bit.  The tone here would certainly support it, and you have a very cool story if you were to give it a proper conclusion.

The good news - Great title.  Good premise.  Lots of possibilities.

The bad news - Writing is not good at all, as Bert pointed out.  In fact, it's quite irritating for the most part.  I'm with Bert here 100%.  I just don't get it.  It's like the flavor of the week kind of thing.  Someone sells a script that's written in a certain way and everyone thinks it's the latest greatest thing out there since oral sex.

The writing here is the opposite of what I'd call visual writing, and that's obviously not a compliment.  With such a potentially cool subject, visual writing is a major key for this to work, and because of the complete lack of it, it fails.

The writing itself is so awkward, uneven, full of strange fragments lacking verbs that just doesn't read well at all.  And let me be clear, I'm not saying you can't write this way, or you shouldn't write this way.  I'm saying, if you can't write this way effectively, you shouldn't write this way at all.  It's difficult to master and when it doesn't work, it really doesn't work.

A few more writing issues you should be aware of...

Not a single time element in any Slug.

Action/description taking place outside of the Slug it's under.

FADE TO BLACK and FADE IN on Page 2 in the wrong places on the page.  After 2nd FADE OUT, no FADE IN.

Poor decision making on not breaking up passages properly - numerous examples of lines that shouldn't be together that are in the same passage.

An entire blank, numbered page at the end, which always looks just terrible and shows the writer didn't even take the time to edit his work a single time.

Story - potential for sure, but it's heavily cliched water that's been swum in many, many times before.  It's the kind of thing where you really need to wear something new to the beach to give it a chance, and not only didn't you, but you didn't even end it...not even remotely.

I understand how page constraints can be an issue, but there's no longer a page constraint.  You had another 5-7 pages to expand this and end it.   But you didn't...didn't even attempt to.

Very disappointing to me, Darren.  I was looking forward to this based on the title and potential, but left the water feeling quite upset.

This made for a curiously difficult read, considering much of the writing is so terse.   This style is tough to pull off without becoming annoying to the reader.  There's no flow to this, it's kind of like a driver who keeps speeding up, then hitting the brakes.  Hard.  To focus.  On story.  

This might be six pages, but it wasn't a short.  The action seems to pick up in the middle of a scene, and it ends on a character waking up.  And the stuff that happened in between was hard to get into because we had no clue what they were doing down there.

Can't say this story had any effect on me whatsoever.  Sorry.

Ditto for me.

I read the other comments and thought I'd see what the 'prob' was. The first 2 pages were ok.

Then the staccato stuff started getting annoying. When I read the line: 'blood on her arm. Hers'...  I pulled the pin. Not just because of the style but how would she know who's blood it was?

Quoted from stevie When I read the line: 'blood on her arm. Hers'...  I pulled the pin. Not just because of the style but how would she know who's blood it was?

Because...she got cut somewhere...?

Quoted from Dreamscale Not a single time element in any Slug.

Underwater, Jeff. You can't really tell if it is day or night.

Quoted from Dreamscale An entire blank, numbered page at the end, which always looks just terrible and shows the writer didn't even take the time to edit his work a single time.

This was a rewrite.

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley Because...she got cut somewhere...?

The blood could be from Vincent or Barry

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley Underwater, Jeff. You can't really tell if it is day or night.

Who can't tell?  Are you saying the audience can't tell?  The characters can't tell?

The bottom line is that it is a certain time of day, whether anyone can tell or not.  In a script that only covers a few minutes or hours, it doesn't come into play, but that doesn't mean it's "right".  If you had indeed "finished" the script, several days could have passed and the only way you'd be able to get that across is through your Slugs, dialogue, or some kind of visual involving a clock or calendar.

The point is, as I've said so many times before, why not just write the Slugs the way they're supposed to be written?  In a feature length script, you would need time elements in your Slugs, right?  Or are you saying if you had a script completely set underwater, you'd just omit every single time element?

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley This was a rewrite.

Meaning what?  Are you saying you purposely add a numbered blank page onto the end of every script that you rewrite?  Why would you want to do that?

I don't see the correlation of a rewrite having a numbered blank page after it's all done.

I'll stick to my original point that it shows laziness in that you didn't even read over your "rewrite" to see that you had an extra blank page.

Darren, you've had a number of people read your script and as usual, there's no thanks, no nothing.  Par for the course, once again.

Quoted Text Darren, you've had a number of people read your script and as usual, there's no thanks, no nothing.

Thanks to Jeff for blowing more smoke up my rear and reading me the riot act because there's one blank page which nobody gives a stink about.

Darren, you didn't respond to Bert or Ryan, nor did you thank them.

You seem to have a very poor attitude lately, and I mean even poorer than you usually do.  Why not just say something like, "Damn...I can't believe I overlooked that blank page on the end...I'll get rid of it.  Thanks for catching that."

Or how about, "Hey guys, thanks for reading. Sorry you didn't like the writing here.  I understand where you're coming from, but IMO, this works the way it is and it's the way I personally like to write."

You're well known for never returning reads, Darren, do you now want to be known as a poor sport who won't even acknowledge reads and give at least a thanks to those who still read your posts?

C'mon, man...

Quoted from Dreamscale You're well known for never returning reads, Darren, do you now want to be known as a poor sport who won't even acknowledge reads and give at least a thanks to those who still read your posts?

Jeff sees a dead horse. Beats it with a big stick. Unsatisfied, he throws on the napalm.

"Well known"?
We have covered that ground before, and it was an incorrect statement then. It is most definitely a false statement now.  I do my share, and the finger pointing bit is getting really dull. This is the first script, long or short, (unrelated to the OWCs) that I posted on SS in awhile. I do acknowledge reads. Always have.

And...while we are on the subject...

Quoted from Grandma Bear Thought I'd check this one out after I saw the comments. As far as the writing goes, I don't have a problem with it at all. That's how I write as well and no one ever says anything about it to me... If anything, people usually tell me it was a fast and easy read. Story wise, I thought it was okay, but read more like the beginning of something rather than a story on it's own. "Almonds like jumping beans"  funny!  A couple of typos, but not too distracting. Biggest complaint to me would be that I didn't get to know any of the characters. Other than that, I don't see what the big fuss was about.

Thank you, Pia.

You make some interesting points, and one that seems to be universal: the piece is better served as an expanded script. It could still be a short script, but it should be a little longer. I was starting to get that vibe from SS and the other sites I frequent.

I think you and some others get away with some writing styles because perhaps you /others hide it well and/or not much focus is on it. While not exact, I think Bert said something to that effect.

Here are some thoughts I had while reading your script:

Too on point with the time shown on the watch.  

Too staccato with the descriptions:
"Eyes focus ahead, drives."
"She manages...falls two feet."
"Dawn's eyes focus. Vincent's hat in front of her.  Almonds all around.  Small drops of blood.  Hers."

"Ahead of time" sounds strange to me, a Californian.  "Ahead of schedule" sounds better.  I realize that not everyone speaks the same, so if this is how people say it in your corner of the world, then I thank you for enlightening me.

Vincent uses "The Merlin" as his call sign but Topside refers to him as "Vincent".  Topside should call him Merlin.

"A few physical limits aside".  "Limits" should be limitations.

"mini sub lights cast light over the ocean surface".  A couple things here:
1) This doesn't read smoothly.
2) The ocean surface is where ships float.  The "seabed" or "sea floor" is where I think the sub is.
3) If the sub's lights are casting light, why can't they see what's pulling them forward?  Are they not looking forward?

"...illuminates faces of three dreamers" Why are they dreamers?  Are they unconscious?

"Vincent's fluorescent watch and a small hole opening on the main window the only available light." Too much description and it doesn't read well at all.

Why is "Rows of tentacle suckers." in italics?

It seemed like the sub was level and under its own power but then it crashes down a rugged slope.  What is a one twenty angle?  Do you mean a 120� angle?  If so what does that have to do with the sub crashing?

This doesn't have an ending.  You just fade out when Barry's eyes open.  Why?
I feel cheated when scripts end like this.

I would have liked to know more about the ship they were investigating.

Hey Darren,

I saw this one over at Talentville.
I see this is a new draft.
So, I'll take a peek at it...

P. 1
I don't know what a FLorida tourist shirt is.
A t-shirt or a Panama Jack/ Cuban dress shirt?

P. 2
This kind of phrasing really sticks out with your writing style...
The mini sub lights cast light over the ocean surface...
Word repetition is even more sore thumby for me in a staccato script.

Finished. I didn't get much from the pages.
Felt more like a scene lifted from a feature fragment.
I didn't get much characterization either, not even personality traits...
Which is why this felt like part of something else.
Might work well as part of an underwater "contained" thriller feature.

Hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Darren,

This was good, some very vivid and interesting writing going on here. Not all of it to my personal liking but it worked well here and I had no problems with the read.

This felt more like a snippet from a feature than a standalone short. I never learned anything about the characters or the monster that was attacking the sub, I don’t even know anything about the vessel they were looking at. I feel like I’ve come in late and left early on this one and for that reason it’s difficult to make an overall judgement here.

A lot of potential and an intriguing premise to develop further but as a standalone short, thought it was lacking something.

Steve