Alone by Steven Dennant - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A girl wanders through a forest and meets a creature. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

This reads much like a book instead of a spec script. I know it isn't smiled upon but I like the font on the title page :)

I'll try to read it later....you may run into others putting it down before reading when they see the first page....just saying this from my own experience.

oh boy, the first page alone will scare off many readers. TONS of descriptors. this is a huge turn off to any producer (because they want a quick and easy read). but here's what i have for you...

p 1

"Sunlight peeks through the various assortments of trees
creating a yellow glow which seems to endlessly bounce of
everything in its path."
^ break it up. misspelled "off"

"Footsteps of someone scurrying through the forest. The
rustling of the trees. The whistling birds. The cool, sweet
breeze, and the sound of soft panting."
^ completely out of order. doesn't flow.

no need for CLOSE UP or FOCUS but they are permissable

a beat IS NOT a pause.

don't bold your words.

"She removes the camera from her face to reveal a fairy
tale like appearance."
^ no idea what this means

capitalize character names when you first introduce them

"She comes to a halt when she realises she is where she needs to
be."
^how does the audience know the latter part of this sentence. show don't tell.

I'm stopping after page 1. It's very awkwardly written. You can cut 80% of these descriptors. They're simply unneccessary. As previously stated, this is awkwardly written and out of order. Write about the most important pieces in any given scene. But make sure they're crucial to the overall story. If not, there's no need to elaborate on them.

A lot of camera angles... a big no no

Not enough dialogue... Reads more like a novel than a screenplay.

The descriptions are over written.

Sorry, just needs to be cleaned up a lot.... It`s not easy on the eye.

Mark

This is quite sweet in a lot of ways - I haven't read it properly but I'll come back to it - I can see what the other guys are saying - you've got camera angles in your action lines and stuff so it's a bit messed up. I'll have another look and get back.

Thanks very much for the feedback. Looking back at it i know there's things that need to be taken care of, however that's not the pressing matter. I wan't to know what you guys think of the story itself. Like you i hate clunky screenplays, but i was under such heavy stress adapting the short story. I can cut it down later, but i just want to know about the story.

Steve

Okay - so the story. IMO.

It may need anchoring, and might benefit from some referencing:

-- we've got a child in the woods and we don't know why - which is okay, but it may raise questions - you've also got a prop and it may be useful to reference the prop.

So among the posibilities here are, girl and her family are out on a camping trip and/or girl and dad take pics:

To bring it up in a minimal way you could just have a tent in the back-ground, and a VO of her Mother -

Going for more depth - make it somewhat a Father-story - he teachers her how to use a camera - at bedtime reads a story (relating to enchanted something or other - next day, a business call, so he doesn't ahve time for her - she wanders off. -- lots of possibilities.

You have persistent use of a prop so bring it in to the story more clearly - if they are on a camping trip, maybe she steals her brother's camera - maybe her brother tries to steal it - but reference it early on and give it some significance.

Girl meets monster:

-- The way this is done - I really think that most 9-year-olds would have shat themselves and belted out of the forest like a bullet on fire. I think it has to be 'cuter' - it has to amuse a 9 yr old. The point at which they meet has to be constructed quite carefully as it is a crucial point.

-- I think she over-reacts to the thing eating the petal - she can be annoyed, yes, but this is a kid who just chased after a 'monster' whom she knows nothing about - now she's in floods 'cos it ate a petal. Doesn't ring consistent.

-- I don't know what Sophie means when she says she's alone? Have her parents died? If so, why isn't she in care? But you see this is raising the wrong type of questions ... ?

The Porcelean Mushrooms: Sophie knows about this, so there is clearly back-story, but you have left ANY element of this out. This must mean that she is familiar with the forest (as referenced by the photos) but the reader is still unclear as to what her relationship is with this area ... it's hanging on a bunch of questions.

The theme: appears to be about friendship - but then we know too little about Sophie.  A problem for me was when Sophie simply says 'I have to go now'. Why? She ain't got no Mom or Pop, and she ain't got no other friends - she probably got social services looking for her, so where's she got to go to? If she's just found the only person that means anything to her shouldn't she stay?

Okay - the end doesn't make much sense. Her Dad beats her up, and the creature does wierd things via a 'space-ball'. (And yes, I 'get it', but it just doesn't really make sense, really - quote or no quote).

It does have some potential - it is nicely imagined in many places, but somewhat obfuscated by your style of writing.

It hasn't really got a beginning, and I think it needs one. Do you see how far out I was regarding the child/parent relation? That was because you didn't set an underlying theme to it - I had to draw my own - which was in contrast to yours due to the tone you set.

If the underlying theme is escape, then that has to be drawn in the story - you need to reference it somewhere.

You do make reference in your post to adapting a short story - I don't know if it was your story or someone else's, but I think there must be story elements that are incorrect in the original short story, and maybe you have replicated them here, in your script.

Hope this helps, and sorry if I sound too negative.

Simon