Ankou by Anica Moore (symple) - Short - After hearing a story of an old Breton folklore about the Ankou, three drunken men come face to face with the doctor of death, taunting, teasing and throwing stones at the stranger, breaking his old cart. Feeling bad for what his drinking buddies done to the strangers old rickety cart, Fenley kindly fixes it. But before he finished his fix, the Ankou's banshee-like screams warns of certain death for the bullies. With a brush of the Ankou's cloak, the Fenley was spared for his kind deed but cursed with snow white and never to speak a word again. The others were not so lucky. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

You might want to shorten your logline. It's very wordy, especially for a short.

Your first slug line is was too wordy. You might want to change it to create an establishing shot EXT. TAVERN - NIGHT. then use a super to describe the time and place. then cut to INT. TAVERN.

Way too blocky paragraphs. 4 lines tops for action lines.

Wrylies should be on its own line.

I kept reading until I hit that huge monologue in page 2. I stopped here for three reasons. One, it's way too big. Two, the transition from the following dialogue to this monologue didn't feel natural. Also, this monologue was on-the-nose in my opinion.

Keep rewriting and good luck with this!

Yeah - mainly what cooky said - I felt that there was some atmosphere here, and that's often difficult to create - wasn't executed totally but it was there - I really didn't like the dialogue - that needs a total re-work. Try:

http://www.bluecatscreenplay.com/news/heart_and_soul_of_screenwriting.php

http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/crafting-your-characters-dialogue-in-your-screenpl.html

... and see how you get on.

Simon

I definitely agree with the above,
It needs some editing.
Shorter lines, smaller paragraphs, condensed dialogue, etc.
It all leads to people wanting to read more.
People generally don't like to read blocks of words.

Some notes while I read:

Passive verbiage needs to go. "are finishing up their drinks", change to "finish their drinks".

All the dashes in dialogue aren't needed.

Too much exposition.

Pg. 1 "Before displaying he fears"  What does that mean?  Rewrite that line.

Pg. 2.  "It was once said the he only collected the souls of the recently dead," "the" should be "that".

Pg. 3.  How big are these rocks that they're throwing?  They would have to be pretty big in order to break the axle on the cart.

Pg. 3 "breaking an axel on the dark figures cart, with his soul spared from whats about to take place."  You can't tell us the future.  You have to show us.  Plus the line doesn't make sense.

Pg. 3 How does he fix the cart with a branch?

There are a lot of problems on the other sheets too.  You need to learn a lot about how to write a script.

Your logline is waaay too long... should be 1 or 2 lines and more of a teaser not the whole story.

Page 1

"Fade in" begins on the left.

EXT. THE YEAR IS 1874 AT AN OLD ENGLISH TAVERN IN ESSEX,
LONDON ENGLAND - NIGHT  This is not a slug.... It is more of a SUPER :.... you also follow it up inside the Tavern so it should be INT.
It should start :

SUPER : 1874 LONDON

INT. RED BULL TAVERN - NIGHT  for example.

also wrilies should be on their own line.

and --- is only used when interrupted, use ... if you are continuing the flow of one person`s dialogue.

Read a lot of scripts on this site... I hope this helps.

Mark

Mark