Culture Shock by Daniel Botha - Short, Drama - A teenage immigrant living in her new home in New Zealand struggles to come to terms with her new life. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey, Daniel.

Although there are many problems with the writing, I thought it was readable. I think the biggest issue you had was overwriting, a lot of unnecessary words that can be cut easily. Saying that, it was still decent and I got through it.

The story wasn't bad either, I just thought you completely rushed it at the end. It seems like you were going somewhere with this but nothing really happens at the end. Maybe have her make a noose? I dunno! Just something! ;D ;D

The dialogue at the end from Billy was so on the nose that I wanted to rip my eyes out, sorry to say. I saw what you were trying to get at, but nobody says that.

I'd go more into more detail if you're around, so if you are, just gimme a pm. :)

Mohammad

Here are the things that stood out for me.
Hopefully you take this as constructive criticism.

You need FADE IN and FADE OUT.

You wrote "splatters of drizzle".
It seems a little weird to me. At first I wasn't sure if you were talking about rain or not.

You need character descriptions-- How do we know who Nothando is? Boy, girl? Age?

I try to stay away from writing "the typical..."
If you put "typical" then it says that there is nothing unique about your setting.

How do we know she is writing a letter to her grandma in Zimbabwe? How would the audience see/hear/know it on screen, without reading the script?

On page 2  you wrote "quieten down".

Keep in mind, if this were to make it to the screen, there are things you say that the audience wouldn't know. You need to show them. (ie, netball is Nothando's favorite game, the children are working on creative writing.)

Show "Creative Writing Assignment" on the header of a page. Or have her say that netball is her favorite game.

You wrote "All heads have been turned on Nothando." (keep it present tense)

"She opens it, revealing her three items of food." (Maybe try something like, food-- a sandwich, chips and banana. for example)

Instead of "not sympathetic" maybe, sarcastic?

You wrote "the boy (or BILLY)" - you need to commit. choose one.

Also, nawazm11 is right, try to stay away from on the nose dialogue.

Overall, I liked it. Not a lot happened and the ending DID seem rushed. But for some reason, it was a nice little story. It was decently quick.
Keep up the writing!

Hey guys!

Thanks so much for taking the time to read the script, your feedback is appreciated.

I see what you meant with the overwriting. I often tend to forget that in scripts, you don't have to be overly descriptive   :P

My main goal with the plot was to bring awareness to the racism that teenagers in New Zealand often fall victim to. Being a foreign teenager, myself, I feel that this is a story that needs to be told. I do agree that the story finishes very suddenly and I hope to fix that up before I film this in August, this year.

I just had a read through of the script and I am in full agreement with Billy's bit of dialogue being 'on the nose'. I think that this particular moment in the script is quite important and I would like to keep it there, if at all possible. At the same time, I want people to be emotionally invested at that particular point, so I'll try and find any way to fix that moment up.

I cannot believe I didn't write FADE IN and FADE OUT!!! That's all I really have to say on that  ;D.

I tend to leave in-depth character descriptions out to allow people to have their imaginations deal with it. Having said that, I do need to include simple things like age and Gender.

The use of 'typical' is a common word I use in my scripts. It's my way of saying 'boring' without actually saying it. In 'Culture Shock' I used the word 'typical' to show that there was nothing unusual or different about Nothando's surroundings.

There are certain words that I can change up in this script, to have it make more sense.

Thanks for the feedback! It's great to hear that people are enjoying the story and I will definitely make an effort to improve this story  :)

Hi Daniel,

I have to say that I agree with Mohammad and Steex. I think your script needs some clean up.

I felt bad for Nothando, her being the new kid, being lonely and having to make up lies.  Her pain came through in your writing.

I wish I knew what she looked like though. Is she smaller or bigger than the other kids? Are her clothes modern and similar to the other girl's clothes or do they make her look out of place?

I'm glad that Billy spoke to her. Maybe Nothando could tell her grandmother in her last letter that she met a boy who really likes her and that they are going on a date ???

I don't think you should bring in a noose as suggested. I think she really wants to fit in, not kill herself.

Might be a nice way to end this if she noticed someone who was just as lonely as she was at school and she made the effort to meet that person. ???

Anyway, I think it just needs a clean up. Read the dialogue out loud to see if it's what you want, too.

Cindy

Thanks Cindy for your input, I really appreciate it :)

There is no doubt in my mind that this script does need a clean up and I will get onto that as soon as I get the spare time. Hopefully, there will be a re-write posted on this website (if that's possible...)

I'm glad that I was able to portray Nothando's pain as it is vital in this script.

Because the script is set in New Zealand the clothes Nothando wears are exactly the same as all the other girls, as we wear uniforms. There could be a nice touch if I made her uniform a bit tattier than all the other girls' clothes. Nothando would probably be smaller than the other kids. I see your point with asking these questions... Attention to detail needs to be more prominent in this script.

I really like the idea of Nothando telling her grandmother about the boy that she met; that would be a really great touch.

Thanks for your feedback. I really appreciate that :)

Hi Dan,
I really enjoyed Culture Shock. I am new to scriptwriting myself, and also this website, but for me, this script has great potential.

I found your story had a lovely pace, and your action IMO easily allowed me to visulise everything. I usually find excessive V/O off putting, but in this case it really allowed me, the audience, into Nothando's world and the imaginary one she was creating for her Grandmother.

I agree, to some extent, that Billy's lines are a bit awkward - you could perhaps have him being the most cruel yet of the children...but...in a way this is a simple, subtle story and with good actors, would make a great short as is.

I enjoyed this, and look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

Cheers,

Rob.

I don't want to beat a dead horse but as already mentioned and as you acknowledged, it is overwritten. It's tough to try to cut out the descriptives when you have a vivid visualization in your head but you get bogged down in the details. It reads more like a novel than a script. There are also a couple typos that need to be cleaned up.

Also as previously mentioned, we need to know the character more. I know this is tough to do in 5-6 pages but I honestly thought it was a boy the whole time until you said "she". Then I got really confused because I couldn't figure out who "she" was because in my mind she was a "he". Does that make sense?

Anyway, needs some fine tuning, a little trimming here, a little beefing up there, and I think it will have some good potential.

I was quite surprised to check up on this one and find I had some more feedback.

Rob - Thank you very much for your kind words. Your compliments are definitely appreciated and I'm glad you enjoyed Culture Shock  ;D

Mehdoh - Thanks for your feedback. I really do appreciate it. There's no doubt that this script needs work and I'll definitely be focusing on the issues you pointed out over the next couple of weeks.

Sorry about the confusion with the gender of my MC. I need to work on simple things like character descriptions.

Thanks for the read, guys and for the feedback  ;D

Daniel

Hey Daniel

Are you planning on filming this one personally? If not then get rid of all of those nasty “we” in the action. It wasn’t a great way to start a script but I’ll give you credit for giving an actuate feeling for New Zealand… grey, dreary day. We all enjoy the sun here in Oz. ;D

Look, I think the writing has been covered by previous posters and you know about the overwriting so I’m not going to keep bashing you over the head with that.

This is a strong story, give it a rewrite and polish it up I think you could have a very powerful short here.

I like what you’re doing with the undertone here and think it has a lot of potential and would make for a good filmed short.

I hope you give this a rewrite.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

Quoted from CoopBazinga It wasn’t a great way to start a script but I’ll give you credit for giving an actuate feeling for New Zealand… grey, dreary day. We all enjoy the sun here in Oz. ;D

Hahahahahahahahahaha! We get sun, here! ... Every now and then  ;D

Thanks for the feedback, Steve.

I haven't decided if I'm going to film it, yet, so for the sake of anybody on this site that read the script, I'll take out the 'we' sentences.

I will be giving this one a re-write, soon.

Thanks Steve :)

Daniel

Hey, danbotha.
I talked to you before and you asked me to read your script.
Then I realized that I already had!
I thought the title sounded familiar.

As I go:

Page 1:  "...classroom is reasonably normal."  I would avoid descriptions like "reasonably normal."  I know it's a pain when describing things that are very every-day, but "reasonably normal" doesn't mean anything at all.  Maybe "a typical Australian classroom" or something might work better?

"It is anything but under control."  I'm sure people have commented that this is overwritten in general, and it is, but I'd especially avoid explaining your own comedic irony in description.  Nothing turns a reader off faster than the sense that they're being written down to.  We get that the children aren't focused, it's funny, until you say it.

"...is getting alot better"  Speaking of comedic irony; "alot" isn't a word.  I assume just a typo, but a funny one!

Just a thought...a more visual way to show her uncertain of the spelling would be to have her actually misspell the word, look at it, erase it, and start again.

Page 2:  Why does she write the one-word sentence "yes" in her letter?  Makes no sense.

Page 4:  You should establish Billy right at the start of the story.  Not necessarily even saying anything, just perhaps a mention of what he's doing.  That way, he won't seem like a device when he becomes important here.

Thoughts:

I think you paint a very bittersweet picture here and I really like the tone of the script.  The irony of her lies is nicely played, especially when she announces in VO that she's sometimes allowed to join in with the games, which sounds reasonable, and then that expectation is totally demolished visually.  All in all, I think the concept of VO lies, visual truth is working really well for you.

I don't think you have a very dynamic protagonist here.  We need some change during the story, and we don't get it.  We get the reveal -- granny's sick -- but that won't satisfy an audience.  We need, at the start of the story, something that Nothando wants, and, at the climax of the story, her succeeding or failing in obtaining it.  One could argue, perhaps, that what she wants is to fit in, but the story isn't dynamic on that point; we don't see her try to fit in.  One could argue that she wants to make her grandmother happy, but it's also not particularly dynamic there, as she never considers telling the truth (the obvious conflict).  That's one thing that might give the story movement; something like "An estranged teenage immigrant who's created a fantasy life in letters to her grandmother considers writing a final letter telling her the truth".  That, to me, is a lot more dynamic than what you have, even at the level of a logline/quick summary.  

You have conflict and tension, but it needs to drive the protagonist forward in wanting and then creating change.

The portrait you paint of Nothando's life is very effective, and is moving, but it needs to go somewhere.  A story may be about one person, but it should tell us something about all of us.  It's not enough to depict sorrow without change, for the better or the worse.

I enjoyed reading this a lot.  Let me know if there's anything upon which I can clarify/expand.

Chris

Quoted from Steex Hey, danbotha. I talked to you before and you asked me to read your script. Then I realized that I already had! I thought the title sounded familiar.

Sorry about the confusion there, Steex. I'll take a look at some of your work when I get the time  ;D

Daniel

Quoted from Heretic I don't think you have a very dynamic protagonist here.  We need some change during the story, and we don't get it.  We get the reveal -- granny's sick -- but that won't satisfy an audience.  We need, at the start of the story, something that Nothando wants, and, at the climax of the story, her succeeding or failing in obtaining it.  One could argue, perhaps, that what she wants is to fit in, but the story isn't dynamic on that point; we don't see her try to fit in.  One could argue that she wants to make her grandmother happy, but it's also not particularly dynamic there, as she never considers telling the truth (the obvious conflict).  That's one thing that might give the story movement; something like "An estranged teenage immigrant who's created a fantasy life in letters to her grandmother considers writing a final letter telling her the truth".  That, to me, is a lot more dynamic than what you have, even at the level of a logline/quick summary.   You have conflict and tension, but it needs to drive the protagonist forward in wanting and then creating change. The portrait you paint of Nothando's life is very effective, and is moving, but it needs to go somewhere.  A story may be about one person, but it should tell us something about all of us.  It's not enough to depict sorrow without change, for the better or the worse. Chris

Hey Chris

First off thanks so much for your response.

I agree with you about those awkward sentences that don't quite fit well. I'll take a look at that sort of thing when I go into the re-write.

I've quoted the above passage because I really liked that bit of information and I think more people should be aware of it. Not only were you giving me some great feedback, you were also teaching me some stuff that I haven't really learned, yet, so that's great.

As for never really mentioning Billy before... That thought never occurred to me. I think I just got lost in the moment and carried on writing.

I do think this story tells a lot about us though (notice how I said "a lot" instead of "alot"... You taught me something). My main goal with it was to show how ignorant human beings can be towards different cultures and, more importantly, how many of us adopt a bullying nature as a defense towards anything different. I think that's how many people react and I tried to make that as clear as possible. I will take a look at that and see if there's a clearer way of portraying that theme  :)

Glad you enjoyed it. I hope it becomes even more enjoyable for the re-write  ;D

Daniel

I'm a little late to the party, but I agree with most of what the other members have said.  I could feel Nothando's misery.  Tighten it up and you'll have a nice little short.

Some shots of the sick Grandma reading Nothando's letter would be good too.

Jordan

Hey Jordan.

Thanks for the feedback  ;D

I'm glad you were able to see Nothando's misery as that was important to the script.

Your idea of having Nothando's grandmother reading the letter would be a great touch and I am definitely going to consider that.

Thanks, Jordan, I'll take a look at some of your work  ;D

Daniel

Daniel I like the story it is simple , but works. I didn't have any problem with your writing, except for some minor things:

-EXT. SCHOOL - DAY - ESTABLISHING "You can eliminate establishing from it cause your are already establishing that we are in an exterior of a school. and you are telling us in the action above."

...we hear the voice of NOTHANDO ZINDWEZE for the first time... " you can cut this cause we are going to hear Nothando VO. And you can also modify it. YOUNG GIRL'S VOICE and introduce her later in the other scene"

Miss Bunderfall " You have to capitalize her name the first time she enters in cue.

EXT. SCHOOL TENNIS COURTS - DAY "we are still inside the school. It should be INT. SCHOOL - TENNIS COURT.

INT. SCHOOL - FIELD OR CAMPUS " If you are inside a place your inside the place. You have to be careful with that.

INSERT: MISS BUNDERFALL’S HAND WRITING "NOT ACHIEVED" ON NOTHANDO’S CREATIVE WRITING. " i think the use of INSERT here is wrong. You can just describe it as a simple action. Something like Miss Bunderfall is writting a "NOT ACHIEVED" in Nothando's Creative Writing.

That was the only problems I found.

Take care and keep writing. I like your writing style.

Hi Javier

I appreciate the feedback. You raised some very good points with the establishing shots and with when Miss Bunderfall enters. I'm not too fussy with the introduction of Nothando.

As to your Tennis Court business, I have to disagree with you based on my personal knowledge of screenwriting. The way I was taught EXT. stands for exterior meaning that it is outdoors and INT. stands for interior which is indoors. As the Tennis courts are still outdoors, I feel that it should still be EXT. SCHOOL TENNIS COURTS - DAY... If anyone else can explain how this is wrong, I'll certainly make the change, but as far as I know there were no problems there.

I'm glad that you enjoyed the story and I'm glad someone likes my writing style. It's a rainy day here, so I'll start the re-write today.

Cheers Javier  ;D

Daniel

Daniel

This was an interesting piece, sad and heartfelt, felt very personal. I empathised with the poor Nothando and her plight. At first, I thought she was just in denial or naive but the scene with Billy made me realise her reasons and it was handled with reserve and care.

On screen this would work rather well I think. However, technically speaking from a writing perspective it needs a lot of work. I take it you’re new to screenwriting and that’s fine, you look to have a good grasp in how to tell a story, that’s the most important thing you just need to work on the craft of format and presentation.

Below are some things I spotted:

Drop the “we” in your prose, it sends the amateur alarm ringing for readers.

“The english classroom is reasonably normal. The typical "Do
not smoke" posters on the walls and, of course, the
students.”

-- You could drop this altogether and start with the action lines below it.

“continuing with her letter to her grandmother
back in Zimbabwe.”

-- How do we know her grandmother is back in Zimbabwe? Only include details that can be discerned by the potential audience.

“She stands in the doorway, unimpressed with the noise that
was coming out of the room just a second ago.”

-- You tend to over describe, Daniel. Have  more faith in the reader’s intelligence. The above extract is a good example. It could be rewritten simply as:

“She stands in the doorway, unimpressed”

Always look to drop the present participle i.e. the “ing” at the end of verbs. For example “keeping” can be become “keeps” or “wishing” becomes “wishes” and so on. It tightens the read and is equally applicable in most cases. I’d recommend you going through the script’s prose and trying it out.

“The class is once again in silence, while they work on
another exercize that Miss Bunderfall has set them.”

-- Another example of over writing, this could be rewritten as:

“The class work in silence”

This is much shorter but essentially says the same thing as we can assume the teacher has set their exercise.

“Her room is neat and tidy. Not a spot of dust rests on      her window-pane.”

-- I would drop everything after “tidy”.

Good effort here , Daniel. My advice now would be to read as many scripts as possible and articles on how to write a script. With a bit of dedication you’ll pick it up in no time and your writing will benefit immeasurably from it.

Best of luck.

Col.

It's an easy read but I think you can clean up the blocky action lines.

I like the VO that is completely different from reality. For me, I easily developed sympathy for her current plight.

However, I felt the ending felt like... it just ended. How about in that last line"

"Love from, your darling
grandaughter, Nothando."

Cut to a hospital bed with Nothando and her grandmother on the hospital bed. Her grandmother says these lines and smiles at her daughter. Then Nothando cries. The implication is that her lies brought happiness to her grandmother, but when it's someone else saying the lies back to her - she finally breaks down. Just a thought.

Good job - I can see someone filming this.

When I finished reading I had to wonder where the title came from because I did not see a connection. So I read the longline and it still didn't make sense. Is this girl black? In a sea of white kids?

Hey Col

Thanks so much for your feedback, I really appreciate it. I finished the re-write of this one yesterday, so most of the things you mentioned have already been changed.

Glad to see that you were able to invest your time into this one.

Cheers

Daniel

Quoted from kingcooky555 However, I felt the ending felt like... it just ended. How about in that last line"

Hey kingcooky.

First off thanks for your time. There isn't much I appreciate more.

In the re-write I have got a completely new ending, so I'm hoping it doesn't feel so sudden this time round. That re-write should be up soon, so if you're interested, keep a look out for it.

Daniel

Quoted from cloroxmartini When I finished reading I had to wonder where the title came from because I did not see a connection. So I read the longline and it still didn't make sense. Is this girl black? In a sea of white kids?

Hey clorxmartin.

Quite a good point you raised there, actually. The title relates more to the kids in New Zealand, rather than Nothando. They don't really understand her or her ways, therefore avoiding her and bullying her. They are the victims of the culture shock, not Nothando.

The girl is black, yes and yes, she is in a sea of white kids. I'll definitely try and make that clearer, from now on.

Thanks for your time on.

Daniel

Hi Dan - I've written the feedback first, but then I'm going to check what other people have said. I'll try and read your others over the next day or two.

... okay - done the read ...

This was a nice piece, quite sensitive - very 'quiet' in its nature, but also quite observant. In some ways it felt quite 'female' in the way it was written - not a bad thing. I like the current of conflict that unlines it - there is, of course, the assumption that the grandma is sick, and this may or may not be true - we don't actually know, but often I hear of people who are shocked by how the 'West' is not what they thought it would be. You've dealt with the topic of racism and exclusion very sensitively, and I like that.

Often thought, I'm forced to think 'is this person a writer or director'. I got that feeling here, with this piece too. I was tempted to consider that you have more directorial skills than you have writing skills - as far as the writing goes there are some issues.

Here's my take on some of them:

## We are looking at a typical high school
-- many people with dislike this. It states the obvious. What I like to do is write something like 'a typical high school', and then ask what difference would there be in the filmed version between this and 'we are looking at ... '. If there is no difference, then it has to be superfluous, and can therefore be safely cut.
--------------

The english classroom is reasonably normal. The typical "Do
not smoke" posters on the walls and, of course, the
students.

The classroom is packed with about twenty five students, all
acting like maniacs in the absence of their teacher.

-- this is visually incorrect for a number of reasons.
You don't dictate the primary visual. If you had been outside this classroom, and then opened the door and looked in - the first thing you would have noted is the kids acting like maniacs. That means NOT the 'No Smoking' signs.

What's important here, is to note that the classroom is NOT 'packed with about twenty five pupils'. What the classroom is, is manic. Primarily. It is then packed with twenty five pupils, simply because you'd only note the number of pupils once you'd noted the manic nature of them. So go with the lead (primary) visual first.
---------------

Nothando’s english class sits in complete silence. They are
all busied with their creative writing.

In silence, Nothando’s english class are all busy with their creative writing.
------------------

## All heads have been turned on Nothando.
-- All heads turn to Nothando.

So those are my thoughts. A decent script - thoughtful, more than exciting, but that's good if it's what you were aiming for.

As always, there's a big difference if you intend to film this yourself - I'd not worry too much if that is your intention. But if you wish someone else to film it, then you are going to have to concern yourself with the grammar a little more, and polish up some of those scripting skills.

All the best, then.

Simon

I've read the feedback you've had. I'd take particular note of Heretic and Colkutz's feedback. I wouldn't necessarily adapt too much to Heretic's advice as he is coming from a very American perspective (re.  the protagonist's need to change), but aside from that there's some pretty sound feedback.

Quoted from Forgive Often thought, I'm forced to think 'is this person a writer or director'. I got that feeling here, with this piece too. I was tempted to consider that you have more directorial skills than you have writing skills - as far as the writing goes there are some issues.

Hey Simon.

Thanks so much for your feed back, I really appreciate it.

I am both a director and a writer, but I haven't actually decided whether to film this one myself, or not. This script, for me is quite special in the way that I don't want to stuff it up if I direct it, but I don't want to leave it in the hands of someone else in case they stuff it up. So, still undecided whether this one stays a script or not.

Great advice with the whole 'going for the lead (primary) vision first. That sort of advice was exactly why I asked for your thoughts on this one.

Daniel

Latest draft is up! Thanks Don.

I would love to hear from people who have previously commented on this one and anyone else who has any thoughts.

Daniel

Hey Dan - glad to see the re-write is up - one of the hardest part of writing. I'm guessing you've not re-written before - it's a difficult trick to get right, and I think you'll get the hang of it.

First off - I've seen this happen lots of times, so it's not a problem.

IMO - and for good reason - your re-work is worse than the original, but like I say this happens, and it happens a lot - you're in the middle ground now, in between improving your work and pleasing the people who are commenting on your work - middle ground is no-man's land, and as soon as you find your 'style' you'll be on solid ground.

If you read half of the first page - you'll see all your writing style is tentative - this is to be expected. It makes for a second rate read - but as long as you know what is going on you'll improve. It's tentative because you're overly aware of what people are going to think when they read it ... it's good to be bold, but it slights when people slap you for it.

IMO - you've 'down-graded' somewhat - you've explained things for those who can't put two and two together. Eventually, I believe, you'll arrive at a level that you're happy with - my feeling is that it'll be a bit 'up' from here.

So - finally - great to see you re-writing - it's key to the scripting process - but getting the re-write right, is a skill in itself - this is a first bash at it - it missed the mark for me, but then when we're talking about a key-skill, it's really worth working at.

Simon.

Thanks Simon

I was wondering how people would take the re-write, as a lot has changed with the story, which I think was the one thing people liked about it (I think).

You are right about me trying to please those who have commented on my work. I felt it necessary to include some of their feedback in the writing as a way of letting them know that I really did appreciate it. Unfortunately, it has come out with a completely different ending, which I didn't actually plan.

Thanks Simon.

Just one question, did you think having those shots with the grandmother explained too much? I was a bit confused as to what you were talking about there...

Daniel

Quoted from danbotha Just one question, did you think having those shots with the grandmother explained too much? I was a bit confused as to what you were talking about there...

I'm not too sure with the shots with the Grandmother - it some ways you've done well to give it another dimension - Nothando is clearly lying, but she's not delusional - which was possible in the first script. Having removed any possibility that she may be delusional, you've introduced the dilemma more clearly in regard to her Grandmother - she really does have a Grandmother - and the Grandmother is clearly sick - and this letter is the last one she will ever see - not only that, but reading it is the last thing she does ... so this introduces a bitter-sweet element to it - as such you've moved one of the focal points of your work (from the possibility of delusion to the sickness of the Grandmother), but you've given a story-element (however brief it may be) to the Grandmother.

I'm split to be honest - maybe put some of your thoughts down while I chew it over some ... ?

Quoted from Forgive I'm not too sure with the shots with the Grandmother - it some ways you've done well to give it another dimension - Nothando is clearly lying, but she's not delusional - which was possible in the first script. Having removed any possibility that she may be delusional, you've introduced the dilemma more clearly in regard to her Grandmother - she really does have a Grandmother - and the Grandmother is clearly sick - and this letter is the last one she will ever see - not only that, but reading it is the last thing she does ... so this introduces a bitter-sweet element to it - as such you've moved one of the focal points of your work (from the possibility of delusion to the sickness of the Grandmother), but you've given a story-element (however brief it may be) to the Grandmother. I'm split to be honest - maybe put some of your thoughts down while I chew it over some ... ?

Right. Now I'm split.

I guess I don't really want to move the focus onto the grandmother, but at the same time, I think it adds a lot to the story. I think I definitely want the grandmother in the film, but maybe not in the last scene...? I want the audience to be focused on Nothando in the last shot, not the grandmother. Possibly switch the last two scenes around?

By the way, this script is going to be produced by a filmmaker based in London. I confirmed the offer last night.

Daniel

Quoted from danbotha By the way, this script is going to be produced by a filmmaker based in London. I confirmed the offer last night.

Congrats on that Dan - well done! They'll probably decide which ending they prefer ... but keep us updated if you hear anything ...

I will certainly do that...

I owe the people here a lot.

Hey Dan,

I gave this another read but it seems anything I would have to say is now redundant. Congrats BTW on getting this produced, that was some fast work my friend and I can see why somebody would want to film this.

Anyway, one point I wanted to make about the story was I didn’t like all the scenes with the old lady/ grandmother interplaying with Nothando’s voiceover. Although I did like the last scene when she’s lying on the floor with the letter in hand and this is a good visual with the voiceover. A sad and sombre ending yet powerful all the same.

Another aspect would be Billy’s reaction over her letter which I thought was over the top and didn’t fit in with what preceded it.

Like I say, it seems unnecessary now as this will be in the hands of someone else so I wish you all the luck with it and keep us informed of how it’s going.

Good work. :)

Steve

P.S Good on you for giving this rewrite so quickly and pushing forward with this piece… thought it had a lot potential and look forward to seeing it on film.

Thanks Steve

Bit of a mixed response on incorporating the grandmother in this draft. I guess I'm going to have to keep it, for now, anyway.

I can't seem to get the whole Billy scenes right, which is a bit frustrating at the moment.

I will be sure to keep the people at SS informed. Currently, I am getting updates from the director whenever news pops up, so I'll pass it along as soon as I know.

As always, your feedback is appreciated, Steve.

Daniel

Quoted from danbotha I can't seem to get the whole Billy scenes right, which is a bit frustrating at the moment.

Okay - your problem with Billy is a very subtle one, but will require some explanation -- so give me a little time, and chew on it some - because sometimes you have to get literal ...

You introduce Billy and Shaun talking over Nothando - great - even, maybe, clever. We come back to Billy in a short time, but we've been foreshadowed:

1st Problem - The two boys sitting next to her
-- doesn't (and I hate to say this has a subconscious impact on the reader, but I suspect it does) necessitate them ...
2nd Problem - have a conversation over her head. -- doing this.

So:

The two boys sitting next to her,
BILLY and SHAUN try and have a conversation over her head.

Isn't the same as:

Sitting either side of her - BILLY and SHAUN  converse over her head.

NEXT:

Billy snatches the letter from her grasp. He writes a word
on the letter-- "trouble."

-- isn't actually logically possible ... unless he'd been reading the letter - and wanted to help her - he insults her, but - (subtext) still helps her out - (but) couldn't have helped her out unless he'd been taking a sly look at the letter -- which you don't refer to - did you miss the subtext that you were thinking of (that was in the back of your mind, but not on the paper??).

Detail - spot it - but never get bogged down in it.

I like the Billy angle, and it's bugged you, and was spotted by Coop, so I think it's an important slight/subtext that helps to give the story a little extra dimension. See what you think.

I understand that this has been hitched for production and feedback would be sort of night at this point, but dammit I read the script before the comments.

I. Will. Comment.

However I'll try to keep it succinct and bullet point heavy.

• The lack of character descriptions. As mentioned I didn't know whether Nothando visited bathrooms with stalls or without. The one character description that was included belonged to the teacher ("strict, control-freak") which is erroneous. Show don't tell.
  
• English should be capitalized where it's used. Grammar Nazis unite.
  
• On page 3, the line "English class sit" should be "English class sits." More grammar patrol from me.
  
• It's been said. I'm going to say it again. Why? Because I deserve the last word. Billy's dialogue seemed contrived for the plot. I get that you were trying to accentuate Nathando's isolation from the other students but his sudden harsh treatment almost took me out of the story.
  

The most powerful thing about Culture Shock was how easy it was to empathize with the main character. Sympathy was a focal point in my reading experience of the script, and considering what was trying to be accomplished, that's a pretty worthwhile feat.

Congratulations on your production deal. If it goes viral I can now say I was a part of it, no matter how minimal.

Simon I will never be able to thank you enough! The amount of time you have put into helping me out with this script is almost overwhelming! Thank you again for the help. As you said, the issue with Billy is subtle and probably quite easy to fix.

tendai- Thanks for the feedback. Nothing wrong with being a grammar Nazi... If you see something grammatically incorrect, tell me, I don't mind.

Does Billy really come across so harsh that it almost took you out of the story? If so, I had no intention of doing that. I think that Billy definitely needs to be a character in this one. He's supposed to be harsh as I know that kids treat foreigners the way Nothando is treated in the script. It's no secret that kids can be incredibly nasty and I wanted to bring it out.

Daniel

So, nothando's grandma reads english and you have to kill her.

Took me less han 10mn to read.

Not bad.

Hello Daniel,

I only read the first few comments so hopefully I am not repeating to much.

I have to say that I agree with Mohammad there are parts of the script where the wording needs to be rewritten and thinned down a bit.

I also feel that all the characters should be given an age (??) as it would make it easier to picture them.

Page 2. tacher replace with teacher.

Page 3 Nathando picks her backpack back up. Why not "Nothando picks her backpack up". Lose the back.
           They busy themselves with writing.     Sounds wrong ???

Page 4. He looks at her disgusted. To me this feels out of place or maybe needs a   different choice of words.

            Continue on, laughing amongst themselves. Maybe lose the ", on"

Pg5.  Miss Bunderfall, herself is seated behind her desk, marking the creative writing tasks.   (Rewrite) Miss Bunderfall sits behind her desk marking the creative writing tasks.

Overall the story was well written though IMO the ending needs a bit more. Not sure what but a bit of spice at the end.

Alex

Quoted from JR So, nothando's grandma reads english and you have to kill her. Took me less han 10mn to read. Not bad.

Thanks James for the read

English is actually an official language in Zimbabwe. It's just Nothando struggles with it a bit more than her grandmother does. I killed the grandmother because she was sick. Personally, I like it when characters die. In this particular case, it's to give the script a bitter-sweet feel. It's to make the reader think "Oh, she made a friend, that's nice... But her grandmother just died..." I find that that technique can be used effectively.

Thanks for the read.

Daniel

Thanks Alex.

You've pointed out some very helpful things on this one. When I write, I find that I often miss out on the small things.

As this one is going to be produced, I don't see it necessary to make any more changes, but feedback is still welcome.

Thanks Alex. I'll have my in depth notes on your own work in soon.

Daniel

Dan - Congrats on getting the script produced. I enjoyed reading about the daily struggles that Nothando faced with being apart from her dying grandmother. The constant teasing from the other students. The ability to get better at reading and writing. Her hard nosed teacher keeping her at bay. Through it all she prevailed. Great job and good luck with the script.

Wow! Love getting back from a holiday and seeing some great feedback!

Thanks DV44. I'm glad that you enjoyed the story and you were able to feel for Nothando.

Let me know if I can return the read, eh?

Daniel

For those of you who are interested, I thought I'd give an update. I recently spoke to the director and the film has been cast. He plans on filming in October.

Daniel

Great news, Daniel. Closest I've gotten to getting something produced was an email from an unknown who disappeared off the face of the earth the next day. ;D ;D

I read the rewrite, which I thought was better than the original but IMO another rewrite would have been beneficial. Who cares though! You've gotten it produced, which is basically the aim for most writers I presume. :)

Thanks nawazm,

Believe me, I've had the old 'hit and run' thing as well. Bloody producers getting our hopes up lol.


In all seriousness, it really is great having something filmed. From what I can tell, the director is incredibly experienced, so I have my fingers crossed for an awesome film.

This one would have gone through a r-write had it not been for the offer. It's the script that I treasure the most. My little baby.

Cheers,
Daniel

Hey, Daniel

For some reason I thought I'd read this but now I realise I haven't...

Might be a bit redundant to offer my thoughts as I hear this is being produced, congrats on that.

Anyway, I enjoyed this but some things niggled me.  I didn't like Billy's rant at Nothando, it seemed to come from nowhere.  Nothando says she struggles with some English, perhaps she could have misspelled some words in her letter?  Also there were a few instances when you could have worded action better to help the flow.

Great news though that is being produced, fingers crossed it turns out well.

Thanks alffy,

I know this isn't the first time I've spoken to you, so I know you must have reviewed one of my scripts. Not sure which one(s) though.

Billy's rant wasn't supposed to be as harsh as what it has come out. I wanted it to seem like he was slowly getting annoyed with her writing until he eventually snapped. It wasn't supposed to be so sudden, so sorry about that :)

As for the broken english, I guess I could have had  more misspelled words. I remember having a few of them in the V.O. but perhaps that isn't enough?

Anyway, thanks for the read. I appreciate it. Pretty sure I've provided feedback on your most recent works, but I might just double check that.

Cheers,

Daniel

Hey Daniel.

I actually saw this pop up a couple months ago on the portal and the logline intrigued me, (I'm a fan of well thought out dramas), so I put it in my queue.  With my schedule opening up over the next couple of weeks, I figured I'd check it out.

From reading through a couple of other comments, I can see this has already gotten produced, or is in production.  Is there a link to it if it is already produced?  I guess script notes would be kind of a mook point since this has already been picked up, but I can share my feelings about the story.

First of all, I took a gander at your file.  Are you really only 15 years old?  Holy crap, dude.  This was a solid sentimental story for a 15 year-old to write.  Even if someone was in their 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's or older, it's a strong showing.

Yes, it may be overwritten, but you'll catch on soon enough on little tricks how you can streamline your work.  Here's one example that stuck out to me:

EXT. SCHOOL TENNIS COURTS - DAY
It’s lunchtime at the school. Teenagers walk in groups
talking loudly amongst each other. Many students play ball
games with their friends. Rugby, soccer, basketball.
Nothando walks along the courts, by herself, glancing
nervously around. She spots a group of girls playing netball
on the far side of the tennis courts.

You don't even need that scene, because the same exact thing happens after the shot of the grandmother.  And you explain the same exact thing over.

What's more, is you can even mash the other scene of Nothando getting a sandwich knocked out of her hands into this one.

If you don't understand what I mean about streamlining your work, let me know and I'll show you some direct examples of editing for you.

The ending is very abrupt and anti-climactic.  You have a great build-up, we're interested in the lies that she's telling her grandma, but then, just sudden death.  And nothing else.  No closure.  Nothing.  I'm interested to see how the director is going to handle this.

But, despite the ending, this was still a very powerful and sentimental story that I was happy to have read.  Let me know when this is all finished in production if it's not already.

I'll be checking some more of your stuff out soon.

- Mark

(EDIT:  Just noticed that the story has been cast and slated for October.  Sorry, I didn't notice that post before.)

Hey Mark,

Thanks for the feedback, really appreciate the time.

Quoted from rc1107 I guess script notes would be kind of a mook point since this has already been picked up...

Not true. Even though this one is getting produced, feedback is still appreciated. I'm still looking to improve on future shorts as well as a feature length I'm wanting to write.

I think I got the main point of streamlining... I think :P

Not gonna lie, I've been struggling with the ending for this one. I just can't seem to get it right. As for the director, he may be filming the original draft, rather than this one. I accepted the offer about three days after posting this, so I'm not sure which version is actually being filmed. Think I might send him an email to find out.

Anyway, thanks Mark. I see you have a new draft of 'Thistles' up. I'll definitely take another look at that one ;D

Daniel

Hey Daniel.

Hope I catch you before you start reading the new draft of Thistles.  There's almost no difference at all between the old posting and new posting, even though there's a sixteen page difference.

The reason there's a new draft is because I wrote it from Microsoft Word and put it into the proper formatting of Trelby, and I wanted the properly formatted version of Thistles on SS.  My Microsoft Word format had different margins, which inflated the page count.

I did streamline some of the transitions and brushed up some of the dialog, but there's almost no difference.

I appreciate the offer, though.  :-)

- Mark

Ok, Mark.

I still kinda want to re-read the script anyway, whether it's changed, or not :)

Hey, Dan
sorry it took me so long to read this newest version of your script.
I haven't had a chance to read any scripts in about 2 months.

I really like the changes you made. I thought the ending of the original was a slight bit confusing, but you nailed it this time!
I like it. It reads pretty quick.

There are a few errors, but nothing major.

Look forward to reading more of your work.

Also, congrats on getting it produced. Cool to see that your thread is hot.

Steex,

No worries. We all get a little busy at times, so I can understand you taking your time.

Great to see the new ending working for some people. I've had mixed reviews on that. Personally I like it, so it's here to stay :P

As for those minor errors, I wouldn't mind hearing a little more about them. Please, if you can spare the time, do you mind pointing those out. It may not help this script much, but I'd definitely love to improve for future scripts.

Thanks for providing some feedback. Awesome to see the first commenters coming back for another read :)

Daniel

Some more great news for this script!

Recently approved an offer from a Film professor at the Art Institute of Phoenix who wants to film this script as an '... example of a film I want my students to produce...'

Can't wait to see the final result!