Sky Goddess by J Shearer - Short, Drama - One woman. One key. Many men. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Well, what a racy read! I was once a long-haul pilot and suspect you must have been a strewardess / flight attendant because you've captured the airline atmosphere perfectly! And the LHR T4 scenes are spot on.

I enjoyed reading the story and could imagine it all, like having a cinema screen in my head.

Whoever gets to film it will be very lucky! Well done, nice one!

Hello J (don't know your name)

I'm mixed on this.

You kept it simple, writings decent and crisp. OK a few orphans for Jeff to get hot under the collar but i thought it was well crafted.

SPOILERS

However, i had a few issues;

1] not sure what the point of the story is. Wheres the pay off, the twist? To me, this is normally the core idea of a short, you know the reveal at the end. What is it here? She goes round the world, has a few men under lock and key - not enough.

2] A few things, like you  introduce a new character towards the end, for one line only, for no apparent reason. Kind of suggests this maybe newish for you, if so a decent start, if not, why include?

3] Tom - doesn't quite work, as i read it. He's gone there, he's late so there on purpose, but he has the belt that only she has a key to, yet he introduces himself. Why?

If you use a belt, apparently, its to stop someone you like doing other things. Why doesn't he know her?

I like the simple idea, but needs a bit of work for me. Yet, it could be something seductive.

all the best

I have to agree with Reef Dreamer on this one - I wasn't sure what the point of the story was either :-/. The dialogue's not bad but I'm not sure what's changed from the beginning of the story to the end - there's not really any conflict or resolution.

I see where you're going with this and the writing is nice. I just don't think the execution was there. I think it's because the first act (do they call them acts in shorts?) was too long. It's only a 6 page script but it takes 3 whole pages until we realize she sort of a sex addict sleeping around with different guys. Given that that is the main premise of the story, maybe introduce that a little more early on. Or trim the firs 3 pages down a bit.

Thought this was written well - couple of minors re. grammar, but nothing to get too worried out - but it cleanly written and came off the page nicely.

I guess initially you wanted to set up cleanly what Sarah does, and I can go for that.

I don' think there's a problem with the intro for Tom, as she doesn't know who he is until he says it's Tom - being outside the door.

***********SPOILERS**************

Yeah - either she could be a sex addict, or she could be a prostitute, then end is left to the reader's discretion, I guess.

It's really just a story of a secret life - I don't think there's a great deal of bones to it, and as such it's very simple. I think this will be for some people, and not for others. It could be developed further quite easily - there's a lot of potential here re. these strange liaisons and her ability to maintain them.

As far as the lack of conflict goes, well there is mystery and intruige - conflict isn't the be all and end all in a short, and long as there are other factors that can take the interest and sustain the story. But potential for conflict was missed - Emma was introduced as a very late character - not really needed when there is Betty - and Betty could have dug some - so the opportunity was there to spice a little conflict in.

Positives -- The writer can write cleanly and create a clear picture.

Negatives -- There is no 'story' here. I was left thinking 'Is that it?'.

However, if you watch alot of the short films that frequent the festival circuits, this isn't a rare thing. I'm not sure if it's the writers intention was to be vague in an 'artsy' way or if the story isn't finished.

On the other hand -- if this was years ago this could've been written for the show 'Red Shoe Diaries'. X-files fans may remember that one. This basically feels like a soft-core short from the Zalman King stable.

For me it's intrigue built, payoff not there.

Quoted Text EXT. MORNING SKY - DAY A Liberty Airlines aircraft cruises at altitude.

Why not tell us the type of aircraft?  You slug airliner in the next line - keep it consistent.

Quoted Text Her Afro-American colleague

I may be nit-picking, but this term has been out of vogue for about 30 years.

Quoted Text BETTY Man, was that a landing or were we shot down?

Good line.

Quoted Text Miss professional turn temptress.

*turned

Quoted Text His eyes digest the lingerie clad woman.

*lingerie-clad.  Also refer to the character by her name, not "woman"

Quoted Text Sarah sits up. She finishes her scotch. Then slowly and sensually, she unfastens a stocking and rolls it down her smooth leg. She repeats the act with the second stocking, before getting to her feet.

I would break this up into a series of "shots".  For example:

Sarah sits up. She finishes her scotch.

Slowly and sensually, unfastens a stocking and rolls it down her leg.

She repeats the act with the second stocking.

You're not directing the camera, but you are spacing so that a page equals a minute.

Quoted Text BETTY Well, where you got girl?

Not sure what this means.

I have never written a short, and I am not really sure how to critique structure.  I'm not sure this is a story per se, but I did enjoy reading and thought you have a wonderful character on your hands.  I love her duality.

This was a fun character "sketch".

Like others before me have said, a few typos, a few re-wordings.

I enjoyed the ride.

However, simply adding minor conflict (like "Is she about to be found out by the Old Woman from the opening flight?") might take it from enjoyable to phenomenal.

Overall, great start!